Homebound

“You can’t leave me, Ash,” I pleaded. “You’re all I’ve got.” I could feel her shiver against my chest reminding me of her fragility.

“I can’t stay,” she croaked.

I squeezed my eyes to prevent any tears from falling on the top of her soft black head and stroked her cheek with my thumb. “If it’s this old barn, I promise, I’ll fix it up. I know I let it get run-down but ….”

“It’s too late,” she said. “You know that.”

I turned my head to the left to avoid her eyes. I only ever saw truth and inquisitiveness when I looked at her and I couldn’t bear the truth right now. I broke from our embrace and leaned against the rotting wood. My cheeks flushed as the smell of decay wrapped itself around me.

I never liked this place but I never liked any place. Nothing compared to home and I don’t know that I can ever go back. I regret not trying to make this feel like a home for us.

I smiled at the thought of when I first saw her in that old gnarly tree near the end of the property. It sits atop the hill and overlooks the pond, now frozen.

***

I pointed my ax at her. “You better get out of that tree before I chop it down,” I said.

“Don’t you dare chop this magnificent girl down! She’s beautiful,” she said.

“She’s ugly. Now get out of there.”

“No.”

I swung at the tree a few times, which made some small dents in the trunk, but she refused to budge from the thick branch. “Why fight for this one? There's a pear tree full of ripe fruit down the hill.”

“I prefer lost causes.”

I rested the ax handle on my shoulder and squinted my eyes from the overbearing sun. “I’ve never seen you around here before.”

“I saw you in town. You looked lonely.”

“I’m not,” I said. I grabbed the handle with both hands, ready to take another swing.

“I am,” she said and before I knew it, she wouldn’t leave me alone. She claimed space in the old barn and settled in. I didn’t use the barn much so I let her stay and after a while, I got used to her. She’d accompany me on walks around the property and it began to feel nice having someone to talk to again. The cows and bull weren't quite as talkative as she was.

***

“What am I going to do without you?” I asked Ash. I kept my back to her and dragged my foot in a line across the dirt on the barn floor.

“You’ll survive,” she said.

I pressed my fingers into one of the scars on my right shoulder blade.

“They’re not there,” she said.

“I know they’re not there!” I said. “I’m reminded of that every day.”

“You made your choice.”

“It wasn’t my fault,” I yelled. “Michael did this to me. I hate him.” I punched the wood and pictured Michael's face. It splintered under my fist.

“You were arrogant.”

I rubbed my knuckles. “He didn’t have to cut them off. I was young and foolish. He could have taken me under his wings and taught me. Instead, he abandoned me on this lousy earth.”

“You started that fight. You deserved this punishment. You could have made something special down here if you didn’t waste so much time and energy blaming everyone else.”

“What do you know?! You’re not an angel and now you’re abandoning me too! You have no idea what it's like being an immortal human.” I pressed my forehead into the cracked wood and breathed three slow breaths in and out.

In the faintest voice, Ash said, “I'd give you my wings if I could.”

I turned to look at her and smiled through my tears. She was the only one who could make me smile. “I know you’re a raven and you’re not actually talking to me but you were the greatest friend I ever had. I don’t know what to do without you.” I picked up her lifeless body and held her in my arms. “If only I had fixed the damn roof,” I said to her. “I know how much you loved this place and I let it fall apart.”

I grabbed the shovel leaning against the wall and brought Ash to her favourite tree. I dug a small hole and placed her inside.

“I’m so sorry, Ash. I’ll miss you, my sweet girl.”

After I buried her and planted a small cross over the fresh dirt, I went back to the barn. “Even though you’re gone, Ash, I’ll build you the barn you deserved,” I said to the empty space.

As I began to pick up the pieces of the fallen roof, I could feel a small tingling sensation in the back of my shoulders. I touched the left scar and ran my fingers over a small growth. I looked down to the floor and saw the tiniest white feather over Ash’s jet-black one.

I picked up the black feather, put it in my pocket, and started to place the fallen wood in a pile. “Ash, you really were the only thing that could make me smile.”

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