HER HANDS #8

Please note. There are descriptions of religious beliefs and practices contained in HER HANDS. They are intended for use as setting, cultural context and character development. They are not intended to promote or criticize any religious belief or practice.

HER HANDS

Chapter 4

Installment 8

Scenes 33- 36

The day continued on. It was only an eight hour shift, which was a godsend to the women. There was no need for twelve hour shifts as before when the hospital was swarming with the physically wounded. At this time each woman was responsible for only two men. The General wanted it so, to allow the nurses and aides to astutely observe the wounded. He had made that very clear to Mother Clothilde. The most literate and attentive women had remained at the hospital for this purpose. The others had been transferred to hospitals closer to where the fighting was now occurring.

The General and the other commanding officers wanted to understand why there were men behaving so oddly. He and the other commanders wanted these men returned to their divisions as soon as possible, as they would any soldier with minor wounds. If word spread that certain behavior could get a man sent home, or placed in long term rehabilitation, the ranks would be rife with this foolery, with widespread malingering, and the war would be lost. The Hun would sweep over France, brutalizing all before them.

None of the commanders from the SSA had ever seen the likes of this malady of mental confusion but it needed to be quelled or remedied immediately. The numbers of men so afflicted at the front was increasing rapidly. The need for understanding and appropriate response took on great importance.

Mother Clothilde was not informed of the commanders’ concern, nor their intent to stem the tide of men behaving so unmanageably, and to return as many of these men to combat as quickly as possible. She was told only to tend to the men and to have her caregivers write their observations of the men they were charged with in detail: everything they said and did, and the surrounding circumstances

There was little to do during the shift; it didn’t require much effort to tend to only two men, despite how raucous some of their behavior was. There was also little to report as most of the men were nearly comatose, many of them engaged in unceasing, repetitive behavior. The women arranged themselves to be near one or two other nurses or aides, so they could chat. They spoke quietly and just between themselves. They barely interacted with the men they were assigned to. They had no idea what to say to them or do with them.

Cecile seated herself beside Sarah and began, “What are we to make of this? It seems a bit ridiculous to me. Just ship the lot of them off to a sanitarium and be done with them.”

Sarah caught her response to her friend’s unkind remark before answering. “Perhaps it is not so simple. Perhaps this is only the beginning. Perhaps this is a mental disease the men are all contracting at the front. Something not understood, which is why they want us to report their actions, their symptoms.” Sarah bit her lip, thinking, What if this is contagious?

Cecile had the same though. She blurted, “Why don’t they just watch them in sanitariums, where they do that sort of thing all the time?”

“Maybe the sanitariums are already full.” Sarah then suggested they figure out ways to interact with the four men they were attending.

Cecile disagreed. “We’ve been told to do no such thing. Who knows, it may be harmful to disrupt them.

Sarah considered that Cecile may be correct, despite her earlier experience with Bernard. The cacophony of the ward made it hard for her to think. She and Cecile settled into their own silence. Sarah wanted to hold Bernard’s hand, and Joseph’s, but there was no occasion to do so. Instead she prayed to Blessed Mary to comfort these troubled men. That occupied her for the remainder of her shift, other than changing soiled garments.

Only two of the twenty four men had the presence of mind to seemingly know when they were about to defecate or urinate. Most signaled discomfort or a bit of alarm before or during the act of relieving themselves. By the end of the shift none of the men had trousers nor briefs on, as all had been soiled. All were wrapped in swaths of bandages and blankets. When a nurse or aide saw changes in facial expressions that might indicate a man was about to relieve himself, she immediately got the soldier off of his cot and stripped away his blanket. It was its own form of pandemonium within the greater chaos. Much of the time spent that shift involved washing men down, mopping up human waste, laying down hay to absorb some of the waste. Even with the scullery boy swabbing a potent ammonia solution, the ward soon smelled like an open latrine.

News of the sanitation matter reached Mother Clothilde and she joined the nurses and aides at the meal at the end of end of the first shift and the beginning of the next, so she would meet with all who were on duty.

Sarah, Cecile, Sister Claire and two nurses comprised the first lunch shift. Mother Clothilde was already in the dining hall when they arrived. This first shift with the “confused men” – for this is what the women had started calling them - had been unnerving, mentally exhausting, fraught, and the nun saw that in the women’s faces. She wished she had ordered a special meal for her staff; she would have the cooks gather from the village the makings of a small feast for that night, roast chicken perhaps. Anything would be better than the gruel that was about to be served.

The women had each looked the mother superior in the eyes as they entered the hall. She greeted each with a nod and their name. Mother Clothilde asked that they sit close together in the cavernous hall as she needed to discuss how the morning had gone. The women obliged her request. As the nurses and aides ate, their superior explained that they were performing a great service for France in caring for these men; that there were many men suffering as these; that she had been informed that there would be more men similarly afflicted, arriving in the near future.

Each of the women reacted with some measure of disbelief: how is it possible to address this harm? Sarah spoke what was on all of their minds. “What is causing this confusion in these men’s minds? They were once like us, no? What can we do to address their suffering?”

Mother Clothilde shook her head slowly. One of the nurses demanded. “Surely it is Satan has taken hold of these men. He is visiting torment upon them! And upon us!” The nun crossed herself, as did the other women. Sarah reflexively did so but did not feel the gesture offered her protection, in part because she didn’t feel the malady was the work of Satan. In a small voice she said. “Perhaps it is a medical condition, a blight breeding in the trenches, perhaps.”

“A blight spawned by the devil is what’s likely.” Continued the nurse. She was glaring at Sarah.

Mother Clothilde shared, “Perhaps that is why the Inspector General wants you to dedicate yourselves to taking detailed notes. They are gathering observations to understand, to reach a cure.” Her face brightened and all the women, except the nurse who attributed the dementia to Satan, lightened as well. The mother superior continued. “Yes, the SSA commanders are taking this very seriously. Sister Marie will type up all of your notes to send to the Inspector General.” She looked at each of the women at the table. “So, take very good notes.”

Sister Claire suggested. “Including the times they relieve themselves.”

Sarah, “And any ways they indicate they are about to relieve themselves.”

The others nodded and offered an array of matters to pay attention to. Cecile contributed. “And what gets a man agitated or violent. Like when Rene smacked the cup from Sarah’s hand.”

All the women hushed at that recollection. This was the first Mother Clothilde had heard of it, she noted the nurses’ reaction. To the silence she added. “Yes, exactly that. What happened in detail, what may have caused it to happen, the particular details.” To Sarah, “Are you alright, dear?”

Sarah nodded yes. The mother superior determined to herself that she was going to insist the General provide a detail of soldiers to be stationed at the hospital. These men he was sending were dangerous, deviants in his own words. There were two old men from the village with a couple restraining belts for security, but that was hardly enough. And where were they when this incident happened? She was to learn later that they had not been told to report for duty that day. She was also told by a lieutenant colonel from the SSA that no battle worthy soldiers could be spared for hospital security, that she was to enlist locals for that purpose. Such as the old men who occasionally reported for duty.

The rest of the meal hour was spent discussing how to address the many aspects of keeping the men and the facility sanitary. They reached a great many decisions, such as regular assisted visits to the latrines if possible; have empty buckets on hand for sudden voiding; linens for undergarments and extra blankets as they were certain to be soiled.. The women felt like they had accomplished a lot during the meal. Sarah suggested. “Perhaps we should take a portion of our mealtime to write some reflections on our charges while the memories are still fresh, so that the time needed in the ward for care is not interfered with.”

Mother Clothilde thought it was an excellent idea, as did the others. They dispersed and spent the remaining ten minutes of their break making entries in their notebooks. The nun watched Sarah as she wrote. This aide was truly insightful, yet so young to display what may perhaps be wisdom. She was so impudent, however; she was the one who Sister Elaine had reported as breaking command this morning. And she apparently provoked one of the men to act violently, which disturbed her accomplices, deeply so. In just one morning! What effect is she having on the disturbed men? Her insight may be remarkable at times but to what good if tainted by pride, stubbornness, or insistent insubordination? Mother Clothilde concluded Sarah would need to be watched closely, broken if necessary. Like a colt. Otherwise she could do more harm than good.

Sarah looked up and saw the nun watching her. She smiled at her superior for no other reason than her heart felt light in that moment.

***

The afternoon transpired much more smoothly than the morning. Straw was laid on the floor. A couple buckets were obtained for the men’s relief needs. And each man was given opportunities to use the latrine twice that afternoon. The nurses and aides shared their observations and their notetaking became a collaborative effort.

Mid-afternoon and several of the men were sleeping or were able to lie with eyes shut. There were still several who didn’t seem capable of relaxing. Sarah’s Joseph was one of those men, staring relentlessly at some distant point. Bernard had laid down and was tucked into a clean woolen blanket. Sarah listened to his breath grow deeper and more even. His body stilled to barely perceptible tremors in the span of less than an hour. Sarah wrote this all down. She thought to take his pulse and did so every ten minutes. The pulse quickened at her touch, then steadied each time.

Meanwhile, she studied Joseph. His body rigid, she felt the force that locked him tight. The force she sensed he had to bring to prevent his collapse into chaos. How did she know this? When later asked about her sense of the man, Sarah could never explain exactly. Some would then disregard her, others held her views as valid and important. To Sarah, it was simply what she truly believed.

Regarding Joseph that afternoon, Sarah was conflicted: if she tried to help him ease, could she possibly destroy him? She simply watched him. She watched the shaft of sunlight move across the room. She watched the whole of the group in the ward; the gestures and silences as well as the agonies. All as part of a whole, no greater or less each piece of it. She sensed Joseph ease; the force that clenched his chest released slightly. She saw his ribcage rise and fall with his breath, barely perceptible. She saw the tendons of his jaw relax. She saw his lips relax. She wanted to take his pulse but knew not to interfere with the process he was engaged in. She wanted to know what he saw with his stare but knew she couldn’t ask.

In fact, the unceasing explosions, the careening debris was at a slightly greater remove in Joseph’s mind. His existence did not require his hair-trigger vigilance, not completely.

Sarah said softly, “Would you like to lie down? You are safe.”

Joseph heard a softening of the chaos. There was a gentle light. He felt the blanket being wrapped over his shoulders. Drawn down, exhausted, safe to rest.

Sarah guided him down to lying. He shut his eyes. She felt his small measure of relief. Thanks be to God. If the nurse who believed that all this was Satan’s handiwork was correct, then Satan had been vanquished, at least for now. Sarah shook her head no, she did not accept that explanation. She took out her notebook and wrote down all she had observed and much of what she believed. She believed that Bernard and Joseph carried raw the battles they had experienced, delivered by their senses to their brains, which were ill-equipped to manage the experiences, the onslaught. They were living the war relentlessly. She thought of the carnage she had witnessed the first weeks of the war – all of the destroyed bodies. What could it have possibly been like to be amidst the devastation as it occurred? Of course the brains or the spirits or the minds of these men carried all of it. Some were not so capable to discern memory from the moment. These were those men. She wrote this in her notebook for Joseph. She did not write her vow to help him, and men like him, remove from the ceaseless war. She then prayed for him.

At the evening meal, the women’s spirits were high and it was not solely because of the two roast chickens, creamed onion sauce and cider they were feasting on. The nurses and aides felt like they were able to discern some aspects of the men they had attended to. There were several notable successes, the most giddily noteworthy were those men who had been guided to the latrine and had used it.

Sarah suggested gentle guidance always, reassuring the men that they were safe in those ventures, and any others they were to undertake. She then shared her belief that the men were still on the battlefield, mentally; that a calm tone might begin to help them realize that was not so. Several of the women nodded as they listened to Sarah. Mother Clothilde observed the attention the young nurse’s aide was receiving. She challenged Sarah. “There is no evidence that I am aware of that supports your point. What do you base your opinion on?”

Sarah blushed deep crimson. She was embarrassed for speaking so pridefully and yet meant what she had said, and at the risk of seeming even more prideful she felt she needed to try and explain what she believed. “It is not anything I have read or learned, Mother, only what I have observed. My two soldiers are different in many ways but the bodies of each of them are exceedingly tense, rigid, as a body is in moments of imminent peril. Such as when one is about to be attacked. Joseph much more so than Bernard. They, and all these men have just come from battle where their very survival requires they be extremely vigilant, as they seem to be here. Even those with their eyes shut, grasping themselves. They are still battling to survive. That is the place that exists within them. None of these men yet know where they are, that they are here in hospital away from the front. My experience today has been to carefully present small moments of respite from the possible horror within; to sip cool water from a cup, to shut one’s eyes and lie down without fear of being destroyed.”

Sarah stopped speaking abruptly, blushed deeply again – she certainly was speaking boldly to her superior, to the others. She felt a hand on her back – it was Cecile’s and she felt her love in that touch. Across the table she saw the other women nodding their appreciation. She continued, “But we must be very careful because we do not know what is occurring within these men. We don’t want to harm them with our clumsy good intentions. I don’t know if this matters but I took Bernard’s pulse and Joseph’s in an effort to gauge when they were the least agitated. At those times I would say gentle things, ask them simple questions so that they might experience something other than what is raging within them.” She stopped, she was finished.

Mother Clothilde curtly, “Have you written these thoughts and observations in the men’s journals.”

“Yes.”

“Good.” To the others, “Be careful with tampering with these inner forces. We do not know what we may unleash. Perhaps it is best to simply observe and address only their physical needs. There is the priest who is trained in meeting their spiritual needs, which may include warding off demons if called for. Also, the Inspector General said there will be special doctors coming to treat these men and their peculiar maladies. We are merely to provide care to their immediate needs.”

Sarah was taken aback; wasn’t these men’s anguish an immediate need to be addressed? The other women were also concerned; had they just been told to ignore Sarah’s suggestion? Certainly, yes. Would they? They were confused and disheartened. They had yet to receive any instruction or guidance on how to minister to these men, and they sorely yearned for it. Sarah had given them something that seemed truly useful, and now they were commanded to disregard it.

The custard that the kitchen staff placed before the women did not bring the women joy. Sarah resolved she would continue ministering to her charges as she had been, and she would write what she observed, what she thought of what she observed and what she did to bring these men the peace they could obtain. Until someone clearly convinced her that her efforts were harmful to the men, she would continue those efforts, and perhaps what she wrote in her journals would help bring respite to more men.

Mother Clothilde noticed Sarah’s jaw clenching; her nurse’s aide was certainly agitated by the admonition. She would need to speak privately with this young one. Further confrontation in the presence of the others would only cause disruption throughout the staff. Several of the other women were displaying unease with what had just transpired.

Sarah wanted nothing more than to absent the table.