Her

I had never seen such fire before. It was splattered all over her body; her fierce eyes and the way that they looked right through me. Her crooked smile that somehow compliments her straight teeth. Her restless hands and her tapping feet. The passion of her voice was infectious, and it always made me smile. I didn't care how loud she was, all I could think about was what her face would feel like in my hands. She could never know how much she truly meant to me.

I had listened to her ramble about tea for about ten minutes, and when she stopped I could only ask why she stopped. I've heard this tangent before, but I didn't care. I just needed her to keep going. To keep filling the gap in me with her opinions about tea. I knew the emptiness would return when she was gone, so I did my best to keep her here.

My thoughts faded and her voiced cleared, "That's why lemon cake is my favorite. Right now. Ask me tomorrow and it might be chai again." I couldn't do anything but smile and shake my head. She was crazy.

"You're crazy."

"What?" She smiled innocently, "I just really like tea." There was a dopey smile plastered on her face.

The silence that followed wasn't anything short of amazing. She just looked at me-- into me. She could have stolen all my secrets with her steady gaze. I did my best to tell her I loved her, without actually saying the words out loud. She never looked away from my eyes, but I couldn't help but study her face. How did this woman even exist?

She was perfect without being anything but herself. Sitting in my hoodie and shorts that were entirely too big on her, I had never seen anything more outrageously beautiful in my life.

We were transported into a giant field with long grass. I panic. My heartbeat quickens and I feel a scream rising in my throat. It took me too long to find her in the grass. My eyes scanned quickly all the way around me, and then I spotted her. She looked happy, wearing a sundress and spinning in the breeze. I could hear her laughing from all the way over here. It made me melt, and my panic dissolved into relief and I began running to her.

It took me several bounding steps to realize I was not getting closer to her at all. She stood facing me in the distance, smiling. I stopped running to look at her. She cocked her head to the side. "Come here!" She shouted. I started running again.

Overcome with frustration, I run faster. My feet hurting from the uneven ground and my legs burning. She keeps shouting my name and laughing, but I can't reach her. I try harder. My eyes are filling with tears, but I tell myself I have to be strong for her. She can't see that I'm upset. I run harder.

After running for what seems like hours, I stop. My legs need rest and my lungs are not keeping up. I can practically see my heartbeat in my veins. I call out to her. She stands completely still and looks at me, smile vanished as if I have become a monster. She is afraid. Of me. She slowly turns away from me and I call out again. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I see her body swallowed by the ground. I scream her name, but she is gone.

***

I open my eyes in the darkness. I'm sweating profusely. I sit up in bed and ponder about my strange dream. I know she's gone. It's been years. I guess I still haven't forgiven myself for doing it.