Headed Home

“Did you have a good time?”

“It was great, Dad.”

“Yes, wonderful.”

“It wasn’t even just for kids. I really had fun.”

“I must say, honey, I enjoyed myself too.”

“OK, do we all have everything?”

“Do we have everybody?”

“Hey!”

“Is Adam with us?”

“I’m here.”

“Stop.”

“I’m just saying. Remember what happened two years ago?”

“What happened two years ago?”

“Mom and Dad almost—”

“We said that we would never talk about that.”

“Almost what?”

“Nothing, sweetheart. She was dreaming.”

“Right. Dreaming. I got pictures.”

“What? I told you to destroy those.”

“I did. The physical prints were destroyed. Digital is never really destroyed.”

“Pictures of what?”

“Nothing, honey. She doesn’t have any pictures.”

“So you told me to destroy nothing?”

“You’re gonna get it. Now stop talking and help your brother get in the car.”

“Come here, Adam. Do you remember when you—”

“Don’t forget to put his seatbelt on.”

“I didn’t forget.”

“We were here two years ago when you—”

“Give him his sippy cup. You know he’s gonna want it.”

“Here’s your sippy cup, Adam. I don’t know why it’s so exciting to drink from a mouse’s nose.”

“It’s Mickey.”

“Right.”

“Now come help us load this stuff into the trunk.”

“Coming, Mother.”

“Stop it. Stop it right now.”

“But Mom, you gotta admit, it’s a funny story. Y’all almost drove away without Adam. He was still in the park. The closed park. We were the last ones out. They wouldn’t let you back in to get him. Adam hasn’t liked clowns since then.”

“Change the subject. Don’t bring it up. Now get in the car and be nice.”

“Hey, Adam!”

“Yes, Mommy.”

“Tell us your favorite part of the trip.”

“I like when we stood in the water and the giant bucket of water fell and we got out of the way and all the water fell on Daddy and he got soaked while we was dry and he started to say bad words and then said ‘Ahh, scrap fudge hello,’ and he didn’t think we knew what he said, but we did. I also like when we got on the boat and the shark was after us, but they blew it up and the fire scared Dad and he said ‘scrap fudge hello’ again. That was funny.”

“Wow. He said all of that like it was one sentence. He didn’t even come up for air.”

“I liked the fun house. It had the mirrors that made me look fat and thin and tall and short and funny-faced. Then the dinosaur jumped out and roared, and I screamed and Margret screamed.”

“I didn’t scream.”

“Yes, you did. Yes, you did. You screamed and you said ‘scrap fudge hello,’ but you said the real thing, but Dad didn’t hear you ’cause he said ‘scrap fudge hello,’ but Mom heard you and she hit you in the back of the head. That was funny.”

“OK! Come up for air once in a while.”

“Well, Margret, what did you enjoy?”

“I really loved Mr. Marven’s Marvelous Mad Mansion. Marven the Marvelous put on a wonderful show, especially when he had the elephant walk the tightrope. He had the elephant’s face painted. I thought it was funny. What’s wrong, Adam?”

“I don’t like Mr. Marven.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t like clowns.”

“Why don’t you like clowns?”

“I don’t know.”

“I know why you don’t like clowns.”

“Margret, shut up.”

“Because they are icky.”

“Yes! They’re icky.”

“Yes, dear. That’s it. That’s all.”

“Have you ever had dreams about being chased by clowns?”

“I told you to drop it. So what would you like to eat?”

“I want pizza and chicken wings and breadsticks and French fries and onion rings.”

“I wouldn’t mind Bongo Burgers.”

“We are not going to Bongo Burgers.”

“Why not? They have the best burgers around.”

“You know why.”

“But they have pizza and chicken wings and breadsticks and French fries and onion rings.”

“Let it go!”

“How did y’all get back into the park?”

“Margret!”

“What? I just asked a simple question.”

“Do you think we’re stupid?”

“I—”

“I wouldn’t answer that if I was you.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“We have a 20-hour drive ahead of us, and I would like some peace and quiet.”

“Are we driving straight home, or are we stopping at a hotel first?”

“We have one night in a hotel. We’ll get some rest and head home in the morning.”

“Do they serve breakfast?”

“I don’t know. We’ll stop for breakfast on the way home.”

“Ow. Mom, she poked me.”

“No, I didn’t. I was stretching, and he got in the way.”

“She poked me with her elbow.”

“I did not.”

“If y’all don’t stop right now, I’m going to turn this van around.”

“Does that mean we’re going back to the park? That would be great.”

“Don’t get sassy.”

“You’re the one that said it.”

“Don’t say another word until we get home.”

“But we’re not getting home until tomorrow.”

“I know.”

“I have to—”

“Close your mouth.”

“In 1,000 feet, turn left onto Yellow Brick Road.”

“Mommy, I’m hungry.”

“We’ll be at the hotel soon. We’ll order some food then.”

“Are we there yet?”

“How typical.”

“I told you not to say anything.”

“In 500 feet, turn left onto Yellow Brick Road.”

“We’re almost there. Margret, stop bothering your brother.”

“Am I bothering you, Adam?”

“Stop it.”

“Girl, you’re digging a hole you won’t be able to climb out of.”

“Turn left onto Yellow Brick Road.”

“We’re here. We’ll get some sleep and head home in the morning.”

“I ordered pizza and burgers, with fries and onion rings.”

“And chicken wings.”

“Yes, chicken wings also.”

“Thanks, Mom. Dinner was great.”

“Now get some rest. Still another 15-hour drive home.”

“ZZZZZ.”

“ZZZZZ.”

“Adam.”

“What?”

“You don’t think clowns are funny.”

“I heard that. Leave your brother alone. Get some sleep.”

“ZZZZ.”

“ZZZZ.”

“ZZZZ.”

“Argh!”

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“They were chasing me again.”

“It’s all right. It was just a bad dream.”

“Can I sleep in your bed?”

“Come on. Sure, you can.”

“Ouch. Why did you hit me?”

“Think about it. You and your darling clo—clones. Go to sleep.”

“ZZZZ.”

“ZZZZ.”

“ZZZZ.”

“ZZ ZZ ZZ.”

“OK, time to get up. Get up. Everybody get up. We have to get out of here and back home. Get up.”

“Margret, get out of the bathroom. Three other people have to get ready to go. I have to get Adam and myself ready.”

“Mother.”

“Don’t ‘Mother’ me. You hurry up, or I’m going to break the door down and have your brother drag you out as is. You know he’s strong enough to do it.”

“Give me a moment.”

“At last, she’s out. I’ve been holding this in for almost an hour.”

“Let’s get going.”

“Do you have everything?”

“Do you have everyone?”

“We’re not starting this again.”

“Adam, what do you want for breakfast?”

“You didn’t ask what I wanted.”

“You don’t get a choice.”

“Adam, ask for Bongo Burgers.”

“I’m not talking to you.”

“Why? What did I do?”

“I said I’m not talking to you.”

“What do you want?”

“Mom! I want waffles.”

“OK, waffles it is.”

“Adam.”

“Not talking.”

“Adam.”

“Still not talking.”

“What did I do?”

“You left me.”

“What do you mean, I left you?”

“You let them get me.”

“Who?”

“Not talking.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You were watching me.”

“You remember that?”

“Not talking.”

“Mom and Dad were—”

“And you made fun of me.”

“You remember that too.”

“You still make fun of me.”

“I’m—”

“Not talking.”

“Are y’all fighting back there?”

“No!”

“She’s teasing me with clowns.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You asked me to choose the clown burger place.”

“OK, I did do that. I’m hungry. That’s the only food I could think of.”

“I told you to leave your brother alone.”

“He stuck his tongue out at me.”

“You shouldn’t be messing with him.”

“I’m not talking to you.”

“I’m not talking to you first.”

“I’m not talking to you last.”

“Both of you stop talking. The next thing I want to hear is both of you telling the other you love each other.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“But I don’t like you.”

“Mom, did you hear that? He said he doesn’t like me.”

“Adam, give your sister a kiss.”

“Ew.”

“Gross. I don’t want cootie spit on me.”

“Girls have cooties, not boys.”

“Boys are cooties.”

“Mom, she called me cooties.”

“Kiss and make up now.”

“Look, you two will need each other one day. You have to learn to get along now. Or else.”

“Or else what?”

“Ooo! Dad, she said ‘or else what.’”

“No, I didn’t. That’s not what I said.”

“What did you say?”

“I ain’t say nothing.”

“If you ain’t say nothing, that means you did say something.”

“Honest. He imagined it.”

“Did he now? I heard you say something.”

“That wasn’t me. It came from outside.”

“You know you’re grounded for a week when we get home.”

“A week!”

“Do you want to make it two?”

“No! Snitch.”

“Ouch. She hit me.”

“That’s it. I’m pulling this van over. Margret, you get in the third row. Adam, you stay where you’re at. Now let’s see if we can get some peace and quiet.”

“Sweetheart, the Waffle House is over there. Let’s get some food in these kids and get home.”

“Bongo Burgers serves waffles for breakfast.”

“No more mention of Bongo Burgers. We’re not going.”

“We have to stop for gas first.”

“Bongo Burgers will give you gas.”

“Honey, not you too.”

“Sorry. Couldn’t help it.”

“Mom, can we go to the carnival?”

“Are you able to watch your brother without fighting?”

“Yes! I’ll be the nicest big sister you’ve ever seen.”

“OK. You watch your brother while we fill the tank. We’ll be right next door at the Waffle House. I’ll call you when we’re ready.”

“OK. I won’t let him out of my sight.”

“Hold his hand.”

“My Lord. At this price, we might not be able to afford to get home. The price for fuel. The price for food. We might be washing dishes. Call the kids. Tell them to come on.”

“OK. We’re ready to eat. Y’all come over.”

“On our way.”

“Where is your brother?”

“I don’t know. He was right behind me.”

“I’ll go look for him.”

“Augh. They’re trying to eat me. I hate clowns. I hate clowns.”

“Not again.”