he will never know

my brother told me he was in here. in a new country. a city we both had yet to step into.

the smell of a new possibility.

i refused to believe it. it felt like a dream that i had been longing for so long. no matter how many years passed by, the though of him still feels like a dream. us together. entangled and woven like two parts of stories into one.

i felt my body shake from excitement. my heart racing but my brain refusing to admit how enthralling it felt. all because of him. part of my soul is his, always has been, always will be. neither of us will ever admit it. how whatever we felt was so much that we both ran away. from each other from the city we adored from the place that held bits of our lifetime that would keep me going at times i didn’t want to. it felt surreal to have experienced so much with one person and to feel so much for one single person. i wonder if this is love. i wonder if this is what i deserve.

i hear about have expectations and the rules of being in a relationship. the pros and cons list. my friends tell me i will find someone that is so right for me soon. but what is the right person? i have found pieces of my heart in people i met over dating apps, in mutual friends, in coffee shops but he feels like another entity. past life lovers maybe. red string theories. twin flames. i keep myself awake at night reading about second chances and growing together. i wonder.

i fear i will keep on wondering about this for the rest of my life. the fear that perhaps i will never get to experience whatever i did with someone else. the looming fear keeps me awake at night. the fact that one person makes me feel so many emotions. the feeling of being known and to know feels like i am carrying a lump of sack that is just woven into me. interlaced so intricately that even the best knitters couldn’t unravel it. i feel so much so intensely for one person that no matter how long it has been it scares me. it has kept me in a state of frazzle-ness that i refused to acknowledge. a person that wasn’t supposed to make me feel things, does.

now what am i supposed to do with that.