He Still Wants to Go Home

"Hello, Elon?"

"Yes, Mr.President, sir."

"So Tesla shareholders approved your one-trillion dollar benefit package."

"That's right, sir."

"Well, I need to borrow a trillion from you, soon."

"What??? Why???"

"I promised every American $2,000 as dividend from our greatest tariffs policy. If I don't pay it, I'll lose midterms next year. I'll lose bigly. All of you tech bros will lose everything too. Because socialism is coming. Get it, Elon, socialism is coming?"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Never pegged you as TGOT fan."

"TG... what?"

"I can't give you the money, sir."

"Why?"

"Because I still wanna go home!"

***

"But Elon, I'll be done if I don't pay up what I promised! And everyone who supported me will be done! You all will drown in investigations!"

"Why can't you pay it from the tariff money that is coming in, sir?"

"Because we'll only take about $100 billion annually in tariffs. To pay out the $2K, we'll need $700 billion."

"Fun fact, sir: with my new wealth at $1.5T, if I wanted to give money to each earthling, everyone would get about $180."

"Why are you saying this, Elon?"

"Because I'd rather do that than lend you a trillion, sir."

***

"But why, Elon, why?"

"Because without that money I'd be stuck on earth anyway. I'd rather all earthlings remember me warmly."

"Wouldn't it be better to give every American $2K? You'd still have some money left for whatever..."

"Don't think so."

"But why, Elon? Don't you want to help your favorite president out?"

"Not particularly, sir."

"But why, Elon?" [whining]

"Because I don't know when you'd pay me back! I need that money to build a spaceship. We are so close to solving the propulsion problem! I'll go home, finally!"

"No you won't! I'll tax you to death!" [hangs up]

***

Where this all started: (for more, look for my stories with the same cover image)