Guts, Barn.

Will, Baker, Gray and I were skating flat-ground at the park, the concrete familiar and claylike under our wheels. I was taking it easy.

“Do a kickflip, Donna!” Gray called my trick, and I listened.

I bent my knees, aware of my limits. The pop of the board was smooth, just like the flip, but coming down I felt my feet too far back. As I came down uneven, the board flew towards the fence, and I was on my ass. Gray offered me a hand, mostly to stroke my pride, though it had the opposite effect. I could get myself up, just like anyone else. Will and Baker groaned on my behalf, Will offering “It’s right there. You got it.”

I slapped Gray’s hand away and popped up. By the time I tried again and landed, nobody noticed.

The test had been on my mind all morning, the sun glaring across our faces in straight seams just like those double lines. I thought about how fucked it is that you have to piss so close to your own hand to find out if you’re pregnant. Pregnancy and babies always seemed like such a girly thing, so why the piss?

I couldn’t take the test in front of Gray. He didn’t even know I needed one. But I imagined most girls wouldn’t want to piss in front of the guy who knocked them up. A lot of things that are true of most girls aren’t true of me, but I’m human. So, this one got me.

I wondered how much a pregnant person can afford to totally eat shit like I just had. I wasn’t very good, anyway. I wasn’t the worst of everyone we knew, but I was the weakest skater of the four of us for sure. Sometimes, I wondered why they kept me around.

We sat down against the fence, passing a half-full plastic jug of water. I felt sick. Hot—even though it was early fall—and generally uncomfortable. Baker passed the water my way, and it tasted dry and flat, like the inside of the jug. “We should go to Guts Barn tonight.”

“I’m game. Can Tony get us drinks?” Will looked to Gray, since we usually managed to get alcohol from his half-brother.

“Okay. Want to come with?” Gray asked. I wasn’t sure if the question was directed to everyone or just me. Probably everyone. He never wanted anyone to know he liked me like that, or that we’d been hooking up, which I could understand. It could change things, and neither of us really wanted that. I made sure not to touch his hand when I passed the water his way. I spotted the dirt peppering the side of my hand, a trail of water cutting a clear path through the grime.

“I will,” I said.

“It’s going to get cold tonight, so you know,” Will said.

“Alright, I’ll bring a sweater, thanks Mom,” Baker laughed and shoved him. Gray laughed, too. I leaned back on my board, swallowing an overwhelming nausea. I spit on the ground, got to my feet, and pushed towards the ramp.

Gray leaned towards me in the car, still outside the skatepark but about to roll out and get alcohol from Tony. I wondered if Baker and Will could see us, leaning away.

“You seem like you’re in a bad mood,” he said, pulling out of the space.

“I’m fine. What do you care anyway?”

“Because I care about you,” Gray snapped, like I annoyed him by asking.

“You don’t have to be like that. So, we hooked up few times—that doesn’t have to change shit. You don’t need to be acting all sweet now that our boys aren’t here. I don’t need that, okay? Did Tony say he’s getting us beer or what?” I secretly hoped he was dry. If I didn’t drink, everyone would know.

“He’s getting us beer and Four Loko.” Gray broke into a smile and raised his eyebrows. The nausea rose up again.

Outside Tony’s house, we stirred and waited until he came outside with a backpack and got into the backseat. The air in the car was silent and still for a second as Gray turned to look at Tony and glanced down at the backpack, then back up at him again. Gray reached towards the backpack and Tony pulled it away before his hands could get to it, which seemed rehearsed, but we played along. “Where are you guys going with this shit anyway?”

“Guts Barn,” Gray said, low and calm.

“Alright, cool. Just don’t bring this shit around your mom because she’ll be all over my ass about giving dumb little sixteen-year-old babies alcohol,” Tony said.

“You know I’m seventeen.” Gray handed Tony the money, which he counted, satisfied, and left the drinks in the back without saying goodbye.

Guts Barn was local slang for the old, abandoned barn on the edge of the Gutsman farm property, far enough from town that you needed a car to get there and nobody could hear you getting wild and drinking, but close enough not to waste gas or eat up the night getting there. Coincidentally, the barn was also gutted.

We pulled up outside, and everything around us was quiet. Will held the backpack with the beer, and we followed him into the barn through the leaning hole of a door. We sat down on the floor and the guys started drinking right away, passing cans around. I wondered if I could get away with nursing one all night long, if it was even worth it. If I would even have the baby.

“Tony gave me such shit today getting alcohol, like dude if you don’t want to help me out then don’t, right?” Gray took a swig.

“Better than nothing.” I shrugged.

“He called me sixteen.”

“Dude, I’m sixteen, and so is Baker.” I picked at the tab of my beer can, bubbles still floating around close to the top. In the silence I could hear the crickets chirping, the world crackling and moving around us. I faked my sips while the guys got drunker and drunker. The nausea started to rise again.

“What if I call Alison and Haley and tell them to come hang?” Baker asked.

“Why?” I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want any more people around.

“Because, Donna, they’re hot,” he said. “Gray, what do you think of Haley?”

Gray didn’t miss a beat, “She’s hot. But annoying.” He torched the beer in his hand.

“You don’t have to like her, you just have to fuck her,” Baker explained in slow, slurred words.

“What about me?” Will asked. “You guys invite girls and I just sit here?”

“Where would you even fuck a girl here? This whole barn is a big empty box,” I asked.

“I don’t want to fuck anyone,” Gray sighed loudly, almost a shout. It got quiet again. I looked down at my beer.

Suddenly, I felt that sour taste coming up, pushing at the back of my throat. I stood and rushed to the gaping doorway, the cool wind against my face. I knelt in the grass and heaved out trails of yellow-brown vomit. It all kept coming, burning my throat, aggressive trails of snot leaking from my nose. I wiped my face with my sleeve as Gray ran over. I wished he didn’t. I didn’t want his pity or his eyes on me. I spit in the grass.

As Baker and Will whooped and laughed in the background, Gray stood over me with eyes bugging out. “Are you good? You had like one beer.”

I scoffed at him, “I had three, like super fast. Plus I didn’t eat today. Shit, I got puke on my pants.” I pointed down at the bile-toned spots on my black Dickies.

“I guess I didn’t see.” Gray shook his head. “Sorry about your pants.” He offered me a hand to pull me up, though I didn’t take it or thank him. As I stood, I felt the bruise on my side from the kickflip fail.

It got too cold for comfort fast, all of the guys slipping further into drunkenness. I didn’t like being the only sober one. I realized that if I kept the baby, I would have to keep being the only sober one. I took a real sip, and immediately felt guilty. I shivered from the cold as the beer glided down my throat.

“I wish we brought blankets. I’m freezing,” I said.

“Usually drinking warms you up,” Gray said.

“I guess not today,” I said.

“Honestly, dude, I’m shivering too,” Will said.

“Maybe we should just call it a night,” I said.

“Wait,” Gray paused. His face lit up as he took off towards the car. We all shouted after him, worried he might leave or do something stupid. Instead, he came back a few minutes later with sticks and old planks bundled in his arms. He dropped them in a pile in the center of our circle and pulled a zippo out of his pocket. “Bonfire?” He tossed it in before anyone could speak.

The fire started easy enough and stayed perfect for a while, just big enough to warm us. I noticed that with each passing moment, Gray sat a little closer to me. He leaned in when he laughed and offered me a hand every time I stood from my perch. It was just enough. I could see it, but nobody else could—maybe not even him—which was nice because I was still deciding what I wanted out of it all.

“I never want to end up like Tony, for real. If you catch me acting like him I need you all to fucking kill me on the spot,” Gray laughed, but his face tilted down.

“He’s a piece of shit, you’re not like that,” Will said. I wasn’t sure if he believed it himself, but what else do you say to a friend who asks you something like that?

“He’s got no job and two different babymamas.” Gray laughed and took another sip, then bent down to toss more wood on the fire.

“Gray, I think we’re good. It’s big enough,” I said.

“Let him do it,” Baker said.

The flame kicked up, embers floating to the peaked roof of the barn. “Really?” I asked. Baker joined in, tossing sticks. Gray tossed another chipped plank onto the flame, and the wood tumbled to the side. The red reflected in everyone’s eyes as the warmth ate the whole room up. “Do you think we should put it out?” I asked. Nobody answered me. The flame crept out further, and I shouted my question again.

“Let’s just go,” Gray’s eyes were sloppy and scared.

I ran the fastest out of everyone, heat swelling behind me. I only looked back to make sure everyone was with us, and when I did, smoke chased me and stung my eyes, everything hot orange-red. “I can drive,” I said.

“You don’t have a license,” Gray tried to be stern and serious, but came off sleepy and helpless. He relented, handed me the keys, and sat on the passenger side.

With the windows open, it smelled like campfire, even as we drove away. The flames and smoke trailed up in the rearview like a big, selfish sun. Our skateboards knocked around in the trunk, slamming side to side in an annoying tick of sound. Gray leaned in my direction in the passenger seat, like he needed me for something. Baker and Will were both turned around, hands clenched tightly to the headrests in the dark, watching the flames swallow everything. I could still smell the fire on me. There was no running from it.