Guardian Angel

Standing here at the edge of life and death. It is hard getting to this point I just do not know where I am with my self. Nothing seems to bring that spark that golden spark we humans call being happy. I remember what it feels like but, there is only so many pills and potions you can pump into yourself until the darkness comes creeping back to slap you hard in the face with reality.

How did I end up here? I want to step over the edge and drop to the hard concrete ground. I had the plan so clearly in my head, I was prepared to just walk off the edge but, then the thoughts came flying in and now here I am standing at the edge of my grave thinking, asking myself all these questions. Am I having second thoughts? Second guessing myself? I am a one man army fighting a world worth of battles, alone. I have been told for so long that it is just the chemical in balance in my brain but, they have no idea what it is like to feel so empty and alone like an empty bottle, all of the contents poured out, nothing but darkness and echo's on the inside.

Sometimes I like to be alone. There was a time I used to thrive off being around people I would build of the cheering happiness, that glow that people have but, then this uncontrollable dark storm started to follow me like a puppy, eventually I became weak and gave in. I lost the will to want to be around people to involve myself with activities and social events. I just wanted to roll myself into a warm blanket and lay in a peaceful dark tunnel. I suppose this is the escape from it. To jump or not to jump.

All I can do is stand here all alone looking out at the world frozen with thought. Rolling my eyes down to the ground a quick glance below, looking back up at me the cold hard concreted ground, it looks like an unforgiving fall. A cold wind blows from behind it sends a shiver down my spine the hairs on my arms stand up like little soldiers. The whisper of the wind almost sounds like it is telling me to do it "Jump" as it soothes past my ears. I yell into the silence of the world, the dead of the night it feels like the only way I can release this darkness inside me.

Inflating my lungs of air I take a breath in feeling the cold crisp night time air inflate my lungs. I carefully kneel down to sit with my legs dangling over I want to use this moment to take it all in for one last time. Is this really what I want? To go out by jumping off a 300 meter building. I release another scream "Ahhhhhhh" the scream turned into sobbing and I can feel my eyes glass over and the salty droplets roll softly down my cheeks. Sitting here sobbing above the world rather funny isn't it?

Looking through my teary eyes I push myself back on to my feet and push myself to step off the edge I close my eyes. "screech" what? I tear my eyes open and looking back at me with wide brown eyes and a pearly white face a rather calming face, it was an owl. Has it been sent to guide me? is this what it is like? it screeched again and again I could start to feel a panic electrify through me.

My body jolts itself up, rubbing my eyes I look around the room to find where I left my phone on charge. The repeating buzzing leaving a painful ring in my ears. Finally shutting off the alarm "Ugh" groaning my way towards my bedroom door. The door creaks open " I had the craziest dream last night!" My sister bursts into the room. Way too much energy at six o'clock in the morning. "Oh really?" I ask rubbing my eyes, pretending to be interested. I'm not. Her face lights up at the thought of someone being caring about her dream. This seems to be an every morning occurrence. The realization struck her face. "You could at least pretend to care, anyway what did you dream about?" She asked making me feel bad I know she is genuinely asking. Running through my morning routine back to the moment I came to consciousness hearing the screeching alarm that threw me out of slumber. Closing my eyes trying to find the memory that does not exist in my brain. "I don't think I had a dream"