Ground-Hog Day

I'm confident. I mean I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm ‘Confident, confident' but I have confidence. Enough confidence, I mean, to know who I am and stand up for that. Well, that is to say, that I am not closed off to changing. We all grow and certain aspects of ourselves make adjustments, while other parts compensate for them... but that's not the point. I am confident, I mean I have flaws, like anyone else. I see what is wrong with me, well, not wrong per se, but not right either. The point is, I know what's up. I know what others have, I know what they don't have, and I am not ignorant to my position in all this. So yeah, I'd confidently say, that I am confident.

With that in mind, I know what I am going to do with this confidence. There is a chance that it won't go according to plan but that's okay because planning is only one of the first steps. The intention is what matters. I can use the intention to get those intentions, for lack of a better term, across, and that’ll get me where I need to be. I have rehearsed this conversation over and over again in my mind. I walk towards the center-left of the old barn where the water trough is situated. Inconveniently, it lays beneath a nature-made sunroof, AKA, A great big hole, where the sun dehydrates it to a dirty paste by the end of the day. But there are worse things to deal with and the barn seems to be holding up alright. It has a few holes here and there, a patchwork or two, but I don’t think I’d have it any other way. Although sometimes at night, the cracking of the wood as it cools down gives me anxiety as I feel like it may just cave in on us. But today is a great day. The sun is shining, and I feel good. I ignore the various unidentified debris floating on the surface of the water and random accumulations of straw settled at the bottom so I can stare deeply into my dark brown eyes. “You are confident!” I think to myself. “You have things to offer! If you want it, you can do it! Everyone else in this barn is just as equal and hardworking as you. You can take the lead, just like they can.” I look at my skin and notice it’s a little pinker than usual. Perhaps I was laying in the sun too long yesterday but that's okay. It looks good on you! Looks like you get out, you know, have fun, you're 'in demand' as they say. A catch even!

I peel my eyes away from my own reflection and peak upwards towards where I know she always sits. This inefficient way of looking is straining my eyes so I lift my head a little bit. There she is, she is working again. Cleaning up the straw, separating the soiled straw from the clean straw and she is not afraid to get dirty. I love that about her. She works hard, she makes sure she doesn't laze around all da... oh she looked at me! I quickly smash my face in the water... Smooth. I slowly pull my face back out of the water and I keep my eyes closed as I let the bulk of the water drips of my face in shame. I take a slightly disappointed breath, wipe my eyes on my elbows and steal a quick glance at her. She is giggling! Oh! That's good. I look at her, smile at her, and nod my head to say hello. She keeps giggling but it fades into a smile as she turns back towards the straw. Okay. Perfect! This is my chance.

I wipe off as much water as I can on my elbows and start to inch away from the water trough towards her. Is today the day? The day I'm soaked in water, the day I made her giggle, the day my legs move without permission? It looks like it's happening and today really is the day. Okay, deep breath, I can feel my heart aggressively attacking the inside of my ribs. We are a team and I need you to calm down! You’re making this harder for me. I feel like if I open my mouth right now, my throat will act as a megaphone for everyone else in the barn to hear. I need to calm down. I got this. Deep breath. I am confident. I am cool. I have rehearsed this. I got this.

My paces slow down as I neurotically practice my lines, just one more time.

"Hi Bianca, you have a beautiful smile. Would you like to have lunch..." No.

"Hey, I love your smile... do you want to eat lunch?" No.

"Bianca! Beautiful Bianca! Oh, I just love it when you giggle like that. What are you doing for lunch?" Yeah, that one was casual. Good work! My pace slows as I am less than a meter from her perfect round butt. I smile at it, so cute. My mind quickly switches back to racing again after that short distraction. Rehearse, one more time.

"Bianca! I've missed you! Where have you been? Oh, in the barn? Ah, I must have been busy I didn't see you! Anyway, what are you doing for dinner?" Oh god, they’re getting worse. That’s a straight-up lie.

Okay! You got this! No wrong answers. Only intentions. Nothing goes according to plan and that's okay. Let's do this. Deep breath. Bianca... Bianca... Bianca. I clear my throat. She hears and turns towards me. She looks at me. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach and it feels like my lungs are trying to follow it. My throat seems like it’s pulling itself closed as I open my mouth and with all the focus and force I can muster, I force out a...

"Squuuueee!" Shit. What on earth was that?! My heart is really racing now! How embarrassing! Oh my god, I am going to pass out. She looks confused. What is wrong with me?! Nothing! Confidence! Focus on Bianca... Bianca.... Okay, try again. I take a deep breath in through my nose and open my mouth.

"Squuueeeee!" I yell again. No! This is not the plan! "Squee! Squeeeee!".

Okay. Not good. One final try. I take a deep breath. Bianca... I love your smile. Let's just start with that. Easy.

"S... Squueeee gruff gruff." Ah geez! I give up. I don’t know what’s happening. Today is clearly not the day. I nod at her nervously and turn around and walk to the tray of food by the bucket of water. I pick up a hunk of meat in my mouth, I think it’s a leg but it’s hard to say, and waddle back over to her. I place it by her front paws. She slowly bends down while making eye contact and sniffs it. I go down to join her nose at the meat to eat it with her, but she moves her head away from mine and steps backward. She casually turns away from me and walks to the fresh patch of straw she made earlier and lays in it. She stretches her beautiful muscles, and they start to shake before she lets them lax. She exhales a deep breath through her nose and settles in for a rest. She mustn’t have been hungry.

Well. I tried.