Grappling with Myself

"Wait, what? You are going to fight yourself? In a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match?" Steve asked, the puzzlement and confusion evident in his voice. "I've got to hand it to you buddy, it is one of the most interesting of the dumbest ideas I have ever heard, so at least its got that going for it." I gave my friend a look of disapproval and sighed loudly in exasperation before replying "First, I am going to grapple, not fight. We do not fight in BJJ, we grapple. Fighting is what happens on the streets amongst rival gangs, grappling is what happens in the gym on the mat between honorable opponents. Second, I will not be grappling with myself, I will be grappling with my concept of myself, my concept of identity." The look on Steve's face gave away his obvious confusion, and that look grew even more confused the longer he considered the idea. It was a reaction I was very much used to from almost everyone whenever I opened my mouth, but most especially from Steve. I loved the guy but he was a bit of a dullard. That, combined with the fact of my own insanity which led me to say, think, and do crazy things on a fairly regular basis would often leave Steve in a greatly confused state. But, one of the things I really liked about him was his generally sunny and optimistic outlook and I was not surprised at all when I saw his look of bewilderment slowly replaced by a smile which was shortly thereafter followed by a soft laugh.

I was used to being made fun of and even of being laughed at. When you say and do the things I say and do you can expect that most people will react in fear or anger. The easiest and safest way to act on either is to resort to mockery and laughter. This was not that sort of laughter at all and I took no offense as none was surely intended. I smiled too then and in mock anger replied. "What are you laughing at Steve? You think I am joking? I assure you my friend I am serious, deadly serious. This Friday at 8pm at the East street gym I will be going mano y mano, or perhaps I should say mano y ego with my concept of identity in a BJJ match until one of us submits. I will prove once and for all who is the stronger of us. Me, or my concept of me." The deadly earnestness with which Tim delivered those last words was almost enough to convince Steve that maybe he was not joking, maybe he had really figured out a way to grapple with his concept of identity at the gym this Friday in a BJJ match until one of them submitted. That moment only lasted a few brief seconds and he quickly returned to reality. In this reality such a thing was simply not possible and he chastised himself for his mental lapse. He turned the idea over in his a head just a few more times to make sure he had not missed something obvious, convinced himself he had not then asked. "How exactly does one grapple with a concept, let alone a concept of themselves. I mean, I get it, how metaphorically one can grapple with a concept. And that theoretically one could grapple with any concept one desired in a metaphorical sense, but you are talking about an actual BJJ match, in the flesh, in the real world, at at a gym not too far from here at 8pm this Friday." I considered my friend's question for only a second or two before answering "One grapples with a concept in a BJJ match the same way one grapples with any opponent, using the techniques he has learned in BJJ to hopefully outmanuever his opponent and cause him, or in this case, it, to submit before he or it can do the same to me."

The day after the match I ran into Steve and he asked me how I had done, who had won? "I was defeated. I had no chance, my concept of identity had me beat from the opening move. I submitted in less than two minutes after it cleverly folded me into a papercutter choke from which there was no escape. Turns out I was nowhere near as strong or fast or well trained as my concept of myself. I was actually something of a pushover." Steve pondered that answer for a moment then asked "If you were so thoroughly defeated by your concept of identity, how are you here, able to talk to me, exactly the same person you were when I saw you last just before the match. I mean, are you still you, or are you now your concept of you, who are you?" I was a bit taken aback by that question and I thought through the implications of what Steve had asked thoroughly before replying "Who do you think I am? Then I laughed, turned slowly and walked away, laughing ever more uproriously as I went. .