Grace

In the spring of 1999, eighteen-year-old Morgan Haas, a first-year college student at the University of the Great Lakes in Michigan, was on her way to East Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains for a week-long retreat. She was attending along with other students from her large state university, who were members of a student organization called Christian Kingdom.

Christian Kingdom was an evangelical campus ministry with chapters at colleges and universities around the world. The retreat, dubbed Infinity, would be held at Honeycutt Estate, a rural compound in the mountains. The estate boasted sparkling lakes and streams, luscious forests, and exciting opportunities to fish, horseback ride, and swim.

Morgan was told stories from upperclassmen about how Infinity was amazing and changed their lives. They waxed poetic about the ways in which they could “meet” God on the retreat, such as stripped-down, moving praise and worship time, the moments of solitude while reading the Bible, and the calming silence of reflection and meditation on the wonderful cross. So, she was stoked by the tales she heard and was looking forward to making memories of her own.

She was also hoping that the retreat would mend her broken heart. Mere months before the trip, her high school sweetheart, Luke Phillips, who was now attending Great Lakes along with her and was also in Christian Kingdom, abruptly ended their relationship. The breakup was at the behest of Luke’s parents, who felt that Morgan believed in the wrong type of Christianity, was of the wrong background, and was therefore wrong for him.

Morgan’s hope in attending the retreat was to have an opportunity to lean into her faith in God with other believers from her university. Yet Infinity was where she would find that perhaps, God was not for her.

Once arriving at the compound, Morgan realized that the Great Lakes chapter was not alone this week. The retreat would also include students and staff from Grace College, a small, conservative Christian college in western Michigan. She knew about the school and its Christian Kingdom chapter, as her older siblings had attended years before, and their strict views on faith-related matters made her cringe.

On the first night of Infinity, the Christian Kingdom staff leaders, who were older, paid ministers, gathered the attending students together at the “Big House,” a large, white, plantation-style home on the property. Once gathered, the staff leaders led the students into a large sitting room. Several beige chairs were arranged in a circle. The students were directed to sit in the chairs. Once they were seated, the staff leaders joined them.

Grace staff leader Mark spoke in a soft timbre. “Brothers and sisters, we as leadership feel called to bring you all together for this first night of Infinity. Jesus Christ desires for all of you to meet him here, grow closer to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ, and experience everything God has to offer here and beyond this week. To truly gain all that Christ has for you here, it’s essential that any roadblocks in each of your hearts are set down.”

Mark then opened his well-worn, black leather Bible to a bookmarked page and began to read. “James 5, verse sixteen, in the King James. ‘Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.’“

He gently closed his Bible and lifted his head to face the group. “Confess your faults to one another – that’s a great word, Amen?”

The group replied “Amen.”

“Sometimes, we harbor sins on our hearts, we sin against one another, in word and in deed, and we sin against each other in our hearts. And when we confess those sins to each other, we are confessing them to God, because when two or more are gathered, the Lord will be in this space. Thank you, Jesus!” Mark continued. “And when we confess to each other, and we’re giving that to the Lord, he makes our burdens light, and we will be able to commune with him and with each other unencumbered. Amen?”

“Amen!”

Then, Great Lakes staff leader Craig spoke. “Every head bowed and every eye closed.” As the group complied, he continued. “If you have anything burdening your heart – anything – please feel free to share it with the group.”

After ten seconds, a young man confessed, “I have sinned against Kathryn and myself. I looked at her, my sister in Christ, lustfully.”

Kathryn replied meekly, “Rob, I forgive you.”

Others confessed their sins to the group.

Then Ann Corbin, another Great Lakes first-year student, spoke up. “I have sinned against Morgan. I am jealous of her, and I’ve been jealous of her since I first met her. I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.”

Morgan looked up, and after a moment, responded, “I forgive you, Ann.”

After the exercise was over, the staff leaders dismissed the students for the night. As everyone headed to their next activities, Morgan pulled Ann aside.

“Hey Ann, can I talk to you?”

“Uh...sure, Morgan,” Ann responded nervously.

The two young women retreated to a small sitting room in the upstairs of the Big House. Each sat down in chairs facing each other.

Morgan eyed the short, pudgy young woman. “I don’t understand. Why would you be jealous of me, of all people?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Ann quietly uttered while hanging her head, not making eye contact. “I mean, you’re pretty and everybody likes you. You have the pick of pretty much any guy in our chapter. Guys don’t notice me.”

Morgan sighed. “Is this because of Luke?”

“Uh...I guess you figured that I like him, huh?” She began rubbing her dark beige-shaded hands together.

“Yeah. I see how you look at him and hang onto his every word.”

“Look, I know you guys are broken up, but he still likes you. It’s easy to see. No matter what, I can never measure up – ugh, I said too much, sorry.”

Morgan moved whisps of ebony, curly hair from her face. “Measure up to what?”

Ann looked at her painfully and spilled her guts. “You know – we’re always being told in CK Bible study that as women, we need to be desirable for the man we’re destined to marry. No matter what, I can’t be that. I’ve never been able to be that. There’s no way Luke sees me like that.”

“First of all, Luke and I aren’t getting back together. He made his choice.”

“Yeah, but –”

“No, really,” Morgan cut Ann off. “It’s done. And the other thing is, you really need to stop using Luke or any guy as a measure of your worth. No matter what Brother Craig says about being ‘hot’ to attract our soulmate, you don’t need to measure up to anybody but yourself and God.”

“I guess so. It’s just hard to believe it.”

“Try what I do. Fake it till you make it.”

“What?”

“Yeah. My mom would always tell me that if I keep looking in the mirror and tell myself good things, eventually I’ll start to believe it. You’ll be shocked, but it helps.”

“Okay...I guess I’ll try that. Morgan...again, I’m sorry for my jealousy.”

“It’s fine, it truly is. We’re good. Now let’s enjoy the rest of this week.”

“Sure.” And with that, they got up and started towards their sleeping cabin.

On their way downstairs, they overheard a group of three students from Grace College, who were sitting on a floral-patterned lounger in the hallway. They were carrying on a spirited discussion about domestic missions trips that Christian Kingdom led in urban centers across the United States.

“Yeah, Brogan, sounds right. That reminds me of when I did urban missions in East Saint Louis. We gave them NIV versions.”

“But Austin, it’s not as good as the King James,” the blonde woman on the chaise responded, comparing the two Bible versions.

“Yeah I know, Ellie, but the King James is too advanced for them to understand. The NIV is good enough,” Austin concluded.

“Is it though?” Ellie shot back. “Society tells them they’re victims and they can’t do any better. It’s all about low expectations with those people. Aren’t we just feeding into that by giving them NIVs?”

“Ellie, I know what you’re saying, but Austin’s right. We have to start somewhere,” Brogan explained. “They just need something basic. The Message version is even more simple than the NIV, but it’s a bit more expensive so it’s harder to scale up.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Ellie conceded.

“We can get more NIVs out there on trips like this,” Brogan continued. “Give them something easy to read. God will fill in the gaps.”

As the Grace students watched Morgan and Ann round the corner and pass them by, they instinctively got quiet. Morgan stared them down, and they looked back at her as if their hands were caught in the cookie jar.

Once outside on the porch of the Big House, Morgan’s eyes became set with intense anger. She looked down at her left hand, which was clutching a blue paperback New International Version Bible, the same version most in the Great Lakes chapter possessed.

Morgan muttered, “Those Grace kids piss me off.”

Ann stared back, perplexed. “Uh...Morgan, I don’t get it. What were they even getting at? That they think the King James is a better version of the Bible?”

“You didn’t hear everything they said, did you?”

“Yeah. They think the NIV is better for urban missions trips. But I still don’t get the big deal.”

“Okay, so I have brothers and sisters who went to Grace, so I’m pretty familiar with how they operate. That chapter of CK, they’re more conservative than most other chapters, including ours. They teach that the King James version is the most authentic, complete English-language version, which is in line with Grace College’s take on the matter.”

“Alright. That’s...interesting. It’s strange that they love that version of the Bible, even though King James was gay.”

“True, but don’t tell them that. Anyway, you know how CK pushes urban missions a lot, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Nine times out of ten, those missions are run in poor, mostly black cities. East Saint Louis is one of them, and CK goes there a lot. What those Grace kids were saying is that when they hand out Bibles on those trips, they only give out NIVs because they don’t think the people living there are capable of reading the King James.”

“So...they think we’re all illiterate.”

“Something like that.”

“Oh...” Ann finally caught on.

“Exactly.”

“Well, that makes no sense. My mom swears by the King James. She can quote verses in her sleep. And I’m pretty sure my aunts and uncles use the King James too,” Ann responded. “I don’t know why they would think black people can’t read King James Bibles. That’s the version a lot of our churches use.”

“Yeah, those Grace kids are clueless.”

“They’re not around a lot of black people, clearly.”

“So, Ann, I don’t know if you know this, but I was adopted from South Korea and raised by a white family. I’m mixed, black and Korean.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that.”

Morgan shrugged. “Most people don’t. Lots of people either figure I’m black with ‘good’ hair, or they’re trying to figure out what I am, like I’m an alien or something.”

“I kinda know that feeling,” Ann sympathized. “I mean, I’m not mixed, but people look at me weird because I’m black with grey eyes.”

“Yeah. I was so lucky that my parents cared enough to teach me about both my cultures. My dad is an Army Lieutenant Colonel, and wherever he was stationed, my parents made friends with black and Asian families, and they got me books by black and Asian authors, gave me black Barbie dolls, all of that.”

“Sounds like they really wanted you to have a sense of who you are.”

“Yeah, they were super intentional, but not all adoptees in transracial adoptions get that.”

“That’s definitely a blessing.”

“For sure, but as much as they wanted to, they couldn’t shield me from prejudiced people. And as much as it hurts to say this, the worst prejudice I’ve ever dealt with has come from the church.”

“That sucks,” Ann commiserated. “You know I haven’t been a Christian long, and I would think that people would take the ‘We’re all one in Christ Jesus’ thing to heart.”

“You’d think, but having been in the church all my life, it’s not the first time I’ve heard ignorant talk like that. It even happens in our chapter.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it does. I know the Great Lakes chapter is more multiethnic than the Grace one, but it happens a lot more than you might think. Stick around CK awhile, you’ll eventually hear it for yourself.”

After that school year, due to the racial prejudice experienced in Christian Kingdom, as well as the painful breakup with Luke, Morgan stopped attending fellowship meetings. She would go on to try out other campus ministries and local churches, encountering similar issues, before stepping away from all religious gatherings entirely. She kept her change in routine to herself to not alert her strict Christian family, and did so quite well – or so she thought.

She also started dating again. As a stunning beauty, she had no shortage of dates with eligible men around campus. Once she backed away from her faith and began forging her own life, she felt that she could pursue a friendship with Luke again, though she had no use anymore for religion. While Morgan and Luke could no longer be a romantic couple, and both accepted that in their hearts, they truly enjoyed each other’s company as friends.

But in the middle of her third year at Great Lakes, Morgan’s father retired from the military, and the family settled in Niles, Michigan, only two hours away from Great Lakes.

One night, Morgan was in her dorm room alone studying for her advanced English Literature course, when she heard a heavy knock on the door. Instinctively, she answered the door and was shocked to see her parents standing there, cardboard boxes in hand.

“Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! What are you doing here?”

“Morgan Beth Haas. Pack up your things, you’re moving back home,” her father instructed.

“What? But...why?” Morgan stammered.

“We’ve received word that you’ve been falling away from your devotion to Christ,” her mother explained. “We made a mistake allowing you to go to a secular, public university. We’re not going to keep making that mistake.”

“But Mom, I’m not even done with the semester– “

“No backtalk,” her father warned. “Pack up right now. We’re leaving, and you’re coming with us.”

There was no disobeying Father. She packed her personal effects as instructed. Luke, who was in the hall lobby that evening, noticed her leaving with her family. It was now his turn to be heartbroken.

Once at home, Morgan’s parents sat her down and gave her an ultimatum: finish her degree at Grace College, or they would no longer fund her education.

She chose Grace.