Goodbye

Headphones in, she bounced quickly down the steps into the metro station on her way to work. As she descended her steps became stilted as the shadows started to shift and bend and her vision blurred as she was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. She blindly grasped for the handrail, hoping not to lose her footing as the blackness swam in front of her eyes. Just as quickly as it hit her, it subsided, and slowly, she lifted her head.

Gone is the underground metro, instead there is nothing but stone walls stretching out into the flickering darkness. She turned back to look up the way she came, there was no natural light shining down from above, just cold stone steps wavering in torch light. Did she take a fall down the stairs? Is she now currently suffering delusions induced by a head injury? Was she unconscious? Dreaming?… Dying?

“No, you’re not dying, though everyone here is dead, so you weren’t too far off the mark.” A voice echoed all around her, bouncing off the walls and ringing in her ears.

The voice seemed to be coming from everywhere at once, or perhaps it was just echoing inside her own head, she couldn’t tell, nothing seemed discernible in this place. Everything was made of liquid shadows that danced in an ebb and flow she couldn’t follow.

“I promise you, you aren’t dead, or in any danger of being so anytime soon, but you are in the house of the dead. How you got here? Even I am not sure, and I am Death’s gatekeeper.”

She turned to stare into the dancing firelight, eyes darting, trying to find the source of the voice, trying to find anything to focus on, anything tangible beyond the flickering shadows.

“Death’s gatekeeper?” It was the only thing she could grasp onto in the fog her mind and senses had become. Everything was hazy, wavy, wispy, like in a dream…this had to be a dream.

“It is no dream I’m afraid, something in you must have called out and something or someone here answered, opened a door, a moment in time. These things are rare, but I should warn you my dear, whoever you’ve lost, whoever it is that you called out too, they don’t exist here the way they do in your memory.” There was a pause, and with it a heaviness settled in the air, weighing everything down, “We are all shades here, echoes of who we once were, when life leaves us, so do our human emotions.”

Still no location for the voice, but it definitely wasn’t in her head, it seemed to be getting stronger, more solid and less disembodied, this voice belonged to someone, and they were coming closer.

“I didn’t call out to anyone, I was just going to work.” Her voice wavered, everything around her was solidifying, becoming less dream like, she could feel the damp cold wrapping around her, hear the whisper of the torches that lined the walls, the sound of dripping water in the distance, and with this new awareness came a new feeling; fear.

“Yes, fear is a normal response to this place, but I promise you have nothing real to fear, not yet. You are still of the living, and to the living you will return, but not until you face whatever it is you’ve been brought here to face; whomever.”

Fear instantly turned to anger, to defense, to self preservation, “I didn’t come here to face anything! I was just trying to get to work!” She turned in a circle once more, searching the darkness for the source of the voice, for anything other than her own fears. If this was real, if this wasn’t a dream, then there was only one reason for her to be here. “I don’t want this, please…” Her voice broke.

“You know who you are here to see then, the one whose loss was the most painful, the most raw, the loss that haunts you.”

“Please don’t do this, I can’t-I don’t want this please.” She closed her eyes, tried too will it all away, whispered to be taken back to the metro underground, for bright lights and the sound of screeching trains to surround her instead of this echoing, dripping, flickering dread.

“Strange, I thought the living would give anything for one more moment, one last conversation, one last ‘I love you’. Do you not want that?”

She opened her eyes, and there, standing a few feet away, solid and painfully real, was the image of her great grandfather. She had never met him, had only seen pictures and heard the most wonderful stories about what a kind man he had been, how warm, how giving, and most of all how loving.

“I don’t think most of the living would actually want that last moment if they knew how hard it would be to let that person go for a second time.” She said still in a daze, then paused, and looked at the man before her in a surreal kind of shock, “The first time breaks you. What would a second time do?” The words caught in her throat, threatening to choke her with their implications. She looked away, then looked back up at him, tears threatening to spill over, she changed the trajectory of the conversation, “I thought you were death’s gatekeeper? Why do you look like that then?”

“You mean this?” He gestured up at his face, young still, as death had come for him early “I thought it would make this easier, if only a little, to see a face you knew but never knew…a distant familiarity, wrapped in tales of kindness and warmth you could only imprint on photos and memories not your own. A safe place, a kind face, a warmth in the darkness of death.” He paused, took a step closer to her, his eyes softening, “Was I wrong?”

“No, no, you weren’t wrong, it helps. I don’t know why, but it helps.” He was tall, taller than he appeared photos. Trim and neat black hair, he was wearing a suit, as he always seemed to be whenever photographed. She stared at his face, a face, as he said, she both knew and never knew. His eyes were warm, they, he, looked at her like she mattered, like he wanted to protect her from whatever was coming next. That, more than anything else, finally caused the tears that had been burning behind her eyes this whole time to fall…first just one, it slid slowly down her cheek, then another, and another, until she stood silently crying in front of a man she knew and never knew…an illusion…a shade.

“Yes, a shade, that’s all that you will find here. Humans talk a lot of souls, and they aren’t wrong, everyone has a soul, a spark or an energy that animates a body, but, what they got wrong was that the soul was the source of human emotion. It’s not. Emotions, love in particular, are a uniquely human experience, an experience the soul specifically seeks out by becoming human. Once that humanity expires, so do the emotions, and the soul is returned to its natural, neutral state…one of energy, but this time energy with memories, memories of who it used to be, who it used to love, who it was and will never be again…an echo, a shade.” He looked down, eyes hooded, almost as if he were afraid to meet her eyes.

She was struck with the sudden urge to reach out and comfort him, this man, this echo of her great grandfather; no, not even that, an echo of a man she had never known, a gatekeeper. After all that talk of emotions being nothing but memories and the man in front of her seemed to be filled with all the sadness and regret of the world.

Hesitantly, she reached out, half expecting her hand to pass through him, she was almost shocked when it landed lightly, solidly, on his arm. He looked up, and for a second it looked as if he might reach out to her in turn, his eyes, haunted, bored into hers and he took a step away, her hand slid uselessly off his arm to rest again at her side.

Then, just as slowly, he moved back toward her, lifted her face up to his and smiled sadly. “I would spare you this if I could.”

She looked up at him, placed one hand on each arm this time, “Then spare me, please, there is only one person I could be here to see and I can’t, I’m not ready, I’ll never be ready to see a version of him that doesn’t love me. I’ll only be a memory to him.”

He took a step closer, they were almost embracing, “Is he not now only a memory to you?”

Startled she shuffled back a step, “What?”

His face morphed into a mask of sympathy, she doesn’t know if it’s real.

"Is he not just a memory for you? Can you see him? Can you touch him? Speak with him? Interact with him in anyway outside of your own memory or imagination?” He reached a hand out to her, “It’s time.”

She stared numbly at his outstretched hand, her ears filled with the sound of rushing water, vaguely she could hear drowning drumbeats, a heartbeat, the room spun and the torchlight flared into starbursts that blurred before her, eyes closed she blindly reached out and felt his hand close over hers…she thought it would be warm, it should have been warm, the shock of cold, lifeless skin closing against hers forced her eyes open.

The image of her great grandfather is gone and she is once again standing alone at the base of the stone steps. Only this time, there is an archway in front of her leading down a vaguely lit passage of moss covered stone. A light breeze drifts from the archway, swirling the firelight, and the smell of moldy, musky earth surrounds her. It reminds her of descending into a cave, or, what it might smell like in a grave.

Her feet shuffle without her permission, the edges around her vision blurred as she was drawn forward on a breeze that seemed to have circled around her, holding her in an embrace as it gently pushed her onward. Her eyes slid closed softly, she focused on her breathes, in and out, in and out…on the sound of the fire dancing in the dusty air, she let herself be guided by the invisible presence, she stops thinking, only feels the breeze, smells the wet earth, feels her heart beat and her lungs fill…surrenders….

“Hi, Sweetheart.”

…the air punched out from her lungs and her eyes shot open as she spun on her heel, one word slipping past numb lips…

“Dad…”

“Yeah kiddo, it’s me, well, sort of.” He said this with a slight shrug and no expression on his face.

This couldn’t be possible, she had to be dreaming, none of this could be real. She didn’t want it to be real. Her dad was dead. It had taken her a long time to come to terms with that fact, too long, and now here he was, looking just as he had the last time she’d seen him.

She stood in shock, numb one moment and overcome with grief the next, she wanted to reach out to him but was rooted to the spot. He seemed to understand as he took the initiative and was the one to come closer, stopping just short of her.

“I need you to understand something about this place, about me…I’m not as I was I—“

“If this is the part where you tell me you are a shade of what you once were I already got the cliff notes from the gatekeeper of death or whatever the hell he was…this is all absurd, this can’t be real, you can’t be here.” The shock was wearing off and anger was very quickly surging up to replace it, she hadn’t asked for this! This wasn’t her dad.

“But I am, just not entirely whole.” A sardonic smile joined the half shrug.

“Please stop with the mind reading thing, I’ve had enough of it already.”

“You always did deal with pain by being angry at it, that won’t serve you here. We don’t have much time.” He took another step forward, bringing them almost toe to toe, and laid a hand on her cheek.

She broke. Everything leading up to this had felt surreal but that touch, her dads hand, the echo of her dads love, she would know that anywhere.

Sobbing in silent heaves she leaned into her dad and let him hold her.

“I got you kiddo.” She wanted to believe that, and for now she let herself, she missed him too much to not allow herself this moment.

He tightened his hold on her, adding an extra squeeze to his hug just as he had done all her life. Hiccuping a few times she took deep calming breathes, he said they didn’t have much time and she didn’t want to waste what time they did have being hysterical.

Stepping away she dried her tears and took a good look at her dad. What was it the gatekeeper had said? Emotions were a purely human experience? She was starting to see what he meant. Standing before her was her father and not her father at the same time. Unsure how to proceed she asked the only question that mattered to her.

“Are you happy here?”

Putting some distance between them he seemed to think over her question carefully, almost as if he didn’t quite understand what she was asking him.

“I don’t think you will like the answer but I am neither happy nor unhappy I am…content. There is no pain here but likewise there is no joy, I just am.”

“You don’t talk like yourself, I mean you didn’t talk this formally when you were alive, it’s almost as if you are a completely different person.” This was why she had begged the gatekeeper to spare her this meeting, this wasn’t her dad, she could see that now. It wasn’t and yet…it was…and wasn’t all the same.

“No, I didn’t, but I am not who I was. I am, however, at peace. I hope that brings you some comfort. There are no extremes, just a lasting sense of calm that was always missing when I was alive.” He looked almost hopeful that she would understand.

He leaned against the stone walls of the cavern and his hopeful look turned grim.

“I need you to understand something kiddo. When I was alive, you were the single most important thing in my life. I can remember what it was like to love you. I can remember it so vividly it’s almost like I can still feel it swirling inside me. You meant more to me than anyone ever did, you believed in me when everyone else had given up on me, and you forgave me always, unconditionally. You were the best of me. I left that life knowing you would carry on living in ways I could never dream. I left that life knowing I had done one thing right…you. I might not be able to feel the emotions attached to everything I just said but I need you to know anyway.” He sagged a little, wavered in the firelight, almost as if that had taken all of his energy and he was about to fade away as quickly as he had appeared.

Stunned and overwhelmed she took it all in, she had always known her dad loved her but to hear that she was the best thing he felt he had ever done left her speechless.

Gaining some strength, he moved back toward her, “I wish I could say I love you and mean it… but I did, so much, up there, in the light and the air, I did.”

She took a step closer, clearing her head of all the fog, the selfishness, the anger…these were her last moments with her father and she could feel the time running out. Steeling herself, she looked him the eye for the first time.

“That’s enough, hell, that’s everything, knowing how much you loved me. I need you to know how much I loved you too and still do…even this shadow of who you were…I love you and I miss you and I always will.” The silent tears were back but this time they were accompanied by a small, genuine, smile.

“Do you think we will ever see each other again?” She didn’t want to know the answer really but she had to ask.

He took his time contemplating his answer, “I think we will meet again in another life. Not as shades but as sunlight.”

For the first time since this whole ordeal had started she felt the jagged pieces of herself start to shift and slide into place. Guess the gatekeeper didn't need to spare her this after all. This was goodbye, but that was ok, because every goodbye leads to a new hello.

Widening her smile, she allowed herself to shine through, “ya know, I hear lies aren’t so bad.”

Matching her stance her dad considered her a moment before responding, “Is that right?”

“Yes, in fact I hear they can be a kindness, a story if you will, or a wish, yes a wish. So I am not going to say goodbye”

“I think I understand kiddo and yes, I can do that.”

Sighing in relief she squared her shoulders, this was it, the final moments, the edges of her vision were starting to blur.

She reached out and touched his cheek, an echo, and smiled, “See you later, dad.”

Smiling in return his eyes lit up with emotion for the first time since he had appeared, an echo, a wish, “See you later, sweetheart.”

She turned away quickly, not allowing herself to hesitate, her vision getting fuzzy and the stone walls starting to spin around her. If she had looked back she would have seen her dad looking after her with a strange expression on his face, something like sadness that couldn’t be explained but was felt all the same.