Give Me A Favor

Eventually you're afraid of people leaving. It's funny how you can get used to being alone but once someone sweeps into your life without thinking twice, no matter how stupid they are, you start to enjoy their company. Or maybe it's not even that you enjoy it, but that the idea of someone putting you aside just makes you gag, it's too revolting.

It's the latter one that I was the most worried about. It's humiliating to say, because I know in the back of my mind after three months that's exactly what would happen. He'd go back to his normal life in his home country and live on like he never met me. Swallowing that pill isn't easy because it's part of the process of acceptance that in some way or another people go on. Sometimes, we're not the main characters in other people's lives. We're barely even cameo. Or, in the case of my parents, I was a main character but they still had to leave.

In short, what I'm trying to say is, it sucks to meet someone because you know that they'll leave. At this point, I'll be more surprised if someone stayed. Every time they'd go off to do their own thing, you get a sample of it, but that portion and the real thing aren't near to the same. It's not that I miss him when he's gone. It's really not like that.

I wanted so badly to be alone before, but it was dawning on me now that being in a house that wasn't mine felt wrong in so many ways, and I dislike that when he wasn't here, he could easily find a way to see what I'm up to when I couldn't see him at all. Freaking serial killer vibes up in here.

"Kill me for this if you want to." I yelled loud and clear as I stared intently at the camera in the living room when I finally discovered it. It was one hundred percent functional and followed me around when I walked from it's high position, it surprised me that I didn't notice it before.

I hope he did get my message, with the attitude he's had. I hope he's watching me with his eyes wide open. Every last bit.

There was a certain piece of the house that grabbed my attention the moment I walked in, but I was too awkward then to say anything about it. With the mood I was in after observing his personality for a while, I couldn't care much what he was up to. If he went out of his way to make me welcome here, then I'd probably feel obligated to return it somehow and be respectful, but he did nothing like that. He didn't reach out for my feelings. I was a chore to him. I was that little kid sister he had to babysit without getting anything in return.

So at this point, screw him. I'll do what I want.

His bookshelf by the entrance of his house was so full from top to bottom, you couldn't squeeze in another book if you tried. When I first saw it, I thought that he has a secret passion for reading, writing, or some good poetry or something along those lines, and I'm not saying that he doesn't. He might, and good for him if he does. I'm glad he has his hobbies, but what grabbed my attention is the second shelf from the bottom.

Every book there was a photo album, labeled from the recent years. It peeled my curiosity right away, because even though it's not a single year that defines a person, it takes one year to change a person's entire mood. Some years were great and others were trashy, and we sum up a year that way. But I had to think, what year was it that made Carmine proud, disappointed, or whatever else.

He's human after all, but he acts like nothing's ever hurt him and that nothing can, which I highly doubt to be true. That's what makes him so mysterious.

The first album was from the year of his minor role. It was smaller than the rest, and he didn't seem too close with the stars of the film. He managed to get a few good photos with them, and others that were professional-looking while he was on set. Towards the end, their bond became a little bit of something but he always looked out of place. That's how it was for most of the years. Especially his first romantic character. It was a big project for him. It was obvious even by photos.

The year of 2020 wasn't full yet, so I assumed he was still collecting memories for it. Nica Lee, the leading lady of the series was everywhere in these images, and playing his role being partnered with her started out kind of distant too. His actions with her were hesitant and appeared forced at the very beginning, but in the recent days they didn't seem to be.

When they gazed into each other's eyes, they didn't look like actors or actresses faking a role for the big screen. They looked like they were genuinely in love with each other. Like they considered each other's hand to be the one that was especially made for theirs, and like their smiles wouldn't light up the way they did if it was anyone else.

There weren't any captured kiss scenes in the album, or even simply hugging, but those weren't needed to know that they have chemistry between them. It didn't take him as long to warm up to her as it did to his past roles according to the story thats told in the images, because after a few pictures of shyness, that's all it took. It's as if they were made for each other.

They're probably the cutest couple of the year in the onscreen world, I'd have to admit. Their names sounded good when they were spoken as a pair, Nica Lee and Carmine Jung, as if it were supposed to be that way. Everyone was used to hearing it by now.

Their features somehow complimented each other's when they stood by each other, enhancing the very best in each of them. But it wasn't only that. That can't be that hard, I guess. That's what happens when you're the whole package. You can match with almost anyone.

But the atmosphere created combined well too. Not that it's important, but to say it just to say it, it wouldn't work well if it were me. Of course. Because I'm not perfect like everyone else. A perfect man deserves a perfect girl, and that's one thing of an endless list that I could never be. That's why I'd fangirl over them forever. Because I know my place and no one could ever be as splendid as them.

"Again with the personal belongings?" His voice finally did come into the speakers of his house, booming from above me. He clicked his tongue three times in disappointment, and out of shock, I could jolt at each one. I could imagine him shaking his head when he did it. "Lets make a deal okay? I won't get mad at you. In fact, I'll let you off if you help me out when I get back."

I wanted to say that I have nothing to do for him, but silence seemed to vibrate into my body when I couldn't get the words out. He cut in before I got anywhere anyway in a whisper that was almost as low-key as the quiet had been. "Maybe there's hope that today can still be a good day and that tomorrow can get better."

That's when my mind spiraled off some unknown coast and in me I really did feel bad. Yes, Carmine is a big mystery, but he's not a god. He might look like an angel that fell from the sky, but inside we both have hearts that on some days struggle to have desire to beat, and in the end, we're not as different as I thought.

Some days suck sometimes, and in it, you hold on to any hope that it can get better even when it can't because that hope will be the only thing to pull you through.

******

When Carmine walked through the door, he was postured as if he carried millions of weight on his back that drew out all of his energy. It wasn't new to my eyes, but it was new to my perspective of him. He carries himself that way all the time, but I was too distracted being mad about how he's been treating me. That's toxic of me. That's selfish, but that doesn't mean it's too late to fix it. I guess everyone has a reason to act the way they do, most of the time.

"What is it you need help with?" There was perkiness in my voice. When he felt tense, everyone felt tense. He was too contagious for anyone's benefit, and I had to suffer under his emotion, but I wasn't willing to keep it that way. For my sake, but also his, a little bit. It's not like my emotion could ever be as contagious as his.

"Romance really isn't my strongest skill yet here I am casted in a romantic series. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm not thankful. I'm glad to have a nice cast, a good writer, an amazing team. It's expected to be a success. I'm really glad. This is what I've always wanted. I know there's tons of people with dreams like mine were so I'm gonna chase it on their behalf. But jeez, if this scene had a face, I'd have punched it by now. I swear I can't do this right. I need support from a different perspective. You're a fan, I thought you'd be able to express what the fans would want to see." He inhaled exasperated, and exhaled in the same way. His palms were placed at the top of his head, his elbows out pointed outward.

He wants me to practice his lines with him, in Nica's place. It couldn't be anything else. I didn't know how to feel about that.

The longer I looked at him, he began to cave in his arms to hide his face. He was embarrassed. He does get shy fast, like he claimed before and like I failed to believe. "Sorry for the sob story. Ignore it. How about you, Pennsylvania? Are you into acting at all?"

Memories flooded like waves against a shore. As a little girl, there wasn't much my parents could do to keep a baby or a toddler busy when they had an extremely limited amount of space or physical things, so they always went to acting. Making mini scripts and re-enacting of certain events — that's what carried me into the me that I am today. That's why seeing Carmine in TV was so admiring for me. He's the first one I ever saw. But the dream of acting is part of my past. It's impossible for it to be anything else.

"Not anymore." I answered him hesitantly. I massaged into my opposite hand as I spoke, because it was so out of nowhere to ask a question that's secretly more personal than he could guess. Sweat formed at my forehead. Is this becoming what I'm assuming it to become?

He raised his brows out of curiosity, then furrowed them when I didn't give him any further context. A thick stack of paper was thrown on the couch by where I was sitting from where he sat. About half of the pages were folded back, opened specifically to one of them. As it landed, I found myself getting more information on what it was. Taste of the Moon, it read, Episode 11, Scene 37.

"Why would you stop? Did you dislike it?" He sat down at my side where the script once was, balancing it on my lap. I've never seen him so interested when he asked a question. His bad days made him more compassionate. It sounds rude, but I could get used to it, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I like his soft side, when he didn't shield anything. The raw, and real version of him.

"No, it's not that I dislike it." I worked hard on a monotone so my true emotions wouldn't push through. I must be quite the mystery to this guy too. If I started making an effort to open up, could it change him? His sweeter attitude was rubbing off on me. I'd regret this later, most likely, but I'll take the moment for what it is. "It's the only thing I have to hold onto the only people that were in my life that later unwillingly had to leave. It was my first love. My parents handed that to me. A better first love than most people get."

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know. You don't have to help me with this if you don't want t—." He pitied me. I knew that he did, and it wasn't easy to accept. I thought I'd like someone trying to comfort me for what I've been through because I've never had it. Humans have always liked talking about themselves, haven't they? But usually other people don't know what to say. They only feel like they have to. The truth is, I wish he stayed quiet and stuck to listening.

But for the first time, I'm able to say that Carmine meant well, and I was willing to work with that. "No it's okay. If I do this, we can call each other even right?"

"I don't know." He smirked. He was hiding a happy smile behind his lips, but his egotistical side was calling him back in, and he was letting it. He laughed for a moment though. He couldn't hold it back. "I might end up owing you after this, Rhode Island. You jumped into my private life but I just jumped into yours, and you're still doing me a favor. I'll pay you back for doing this. Contrary to what you might think, I'm a decent guy. I'm nice!"

"Really? Rhode Island? There's not a chance someone would name their child that. Not even one percent." I gave him a death glare. This was getting stupid. At least the others could sorta pass for a name you call a human. Whenever he called me that kind of nonsense about everything else goes in one ear and out the other. He has some ability to highlight his nicknames with no logic whatsoever.

"Honestly it's the best name you've ever been called, girly. You just don't know it yet. My work in the naming-field couldn't get better. Absolutely flourishing." He prolonged my annoyance, clearly enjoying it way more than he should be.

"Shut up. If you want me to do this, let's start. Don't make me change my mind."

"Yes Ma'am. From the top."