Ghost Of My Past

You never really know grief until you’ve experienced it. I grew up in a large family where funerals and birthdays became the new family get together. It was a common joke that we were all so stubborn we refused even giving death a break. It’s not that I didn’t feel any sense of sadness when someone passed, I just became acquainted with death at such an early age that I came to accept it as a part of life. I remember this one time, after the passing of Grandpa Sam, asking my mother as she got me ready for bed

“Momma, what happens to us after we die?”

Her response.

“For out of the ground we were taken, for the dust we are... and to the dust we shall return.”

She was highly religious and pretty much talked to Jesus every day or so she claimed but in bewilderment and complete puzzlement the only response I could utter was

“Oh”

I was six.

Days later I was playing at the creek with my best friend Charlie and as we gazed into the water stream at the fishes swimming below, I asked him as well.

“Charlie, what do you think happens to us after we go?”

“Go where?” he asked.

“You know…when we die.”

It was a sensitive topic for Charlie since he had lost his mother only a year prior.

He grew silent but then he said.

“Everywhere. I think we go everywhere. Like if you always wanted to go to China. You would go and when you miss everyone or anyone at all, you go to them.”

At that age and after what he said, I couldn’t bring myself to utter what my mother had said and for years after I would wonder who was right.

The years flew by after that moment at the creek. Charlie and I grew up and as we entered our teen years, life seemed to always be finding ways to drag us apart. We agreed on nothing but sure did know how to make the other laugh. But when Charlie decided to join the army well that was the pin he pulled out of the grenade of our relationship and I remember telling him to

1. Kiss a toad’s ass

2. Never look for me because I wouldn’t be waiting

To show me I had hurt him with my words he hooked up with little miss Maizy Fair and well I hiked myself off to the furthest college and never looked back.

Ten plus years later, I’m sitting in a the fanciest restaurant in the city as Ralph, current boyfriend of 5 years, goes on about work and his clients and then nonchalantly suggests we take a break.

I stared at him blankly as the brain chatter began

A break? Did he just suggest we take a break while sipping on his soup like a pampered pooch?

“Honey, you’re doing that thing where you think I can read your mind.”

“What an inconsiderate ass.” Were the words that trailed slowly out and under my breath.

“What’s that hun?”

“You. Are. An inconsiderate A-Hole with a capital A. What? Feeling holy so you planned a final dinner. News flash you’re not Jesus, you’re Ralph and if we were in any place other than Benisio’s right now I would find much more colorful words to say.” I huffed as I ripped myself from the beautiful leatherette seat.

“C’mon. Don’t be like that.” He replied in hushed tone.

“Don’t be like what? Loud? A complete turd to someone’s feelings? Do enjoy the meal. It was grand but you should have just texted me like you always do when you want to cancel any plans. You can take all the breaks you need because I. Am. Done.”

I did everything after that night to move on. Took up classes in the gym, tried new recipes, biked, hiked, draw, read. I got over the bastard but my faith in relationships was failing as every guy after Ralph seemed to turn out to be a complete bone head or worst. I began believing that only bozos and boneheads were on these dating apps and so I disconnected.

One day after a night of karaoke and drinks with my workmates I woke to the world’s most horrible taste and regretted every bit of the previous night with every throb I felt in my head. My throbbing head seemed to match time with the knock on the door.

I dragged myself off the bed to the door where my robe hung. I got into it slowly as if making any sudden movements would set off the ticking time bomb residing in my cranium.

The knocking continued.

“I’m coming. I’m coming. God, who died?” I said exhaustedly.

I opened the locks on the door and pulled it towards me and standing outside were the two unlikely of friends. A young Girl Scout selling cookies and a gentleman scratching his head looking around quite confused.

“Can I help you guys?”

The little girl turned and looked around as if no one was there, shrugged her shoulders and began her speech on how much I needed to get in on the cookies she had for sale. She was really good and to be honest on a normal day I would’ve bought them because of her pitch but that day I bought them to be rid of her and the man that was then staring directly at me.

As I collected the cookies and she proceeded to the next door. The man stood still smiling at me.

“Can I help you?”

“You’re Veera Whitewood!” He exclaimed with a smile.

“Ah, yah. Who’s asking?”

“It’s me!” he said excitedly shrugging his shoulders.

I remember staring at him and not having a single bell ring, except the one ringing in my head and urging me back to bed.

“Charlie? Vader? Remembering any of those names at all?” he asked lowering his eyes quizzically.

My jaw dropped as the name registered in my head.

“Charlie! My goodness, what’s it been five, ten years? Is that your daughter?” I asked pointing towards the girl 3 doors down as she looked weirdly back at us.

“Oh her? Nah I don’t know her at all. Are ya gonna invite me in there lassie?” he smiled

“Oh, yea sure.” I gestured as I walked in leading the way.

“Great place you got here. Bright. Bright indeed.” He remarked

I had turned around at this point to reply when I noticed the door still wide open so I headed back to close it while Charlie made his way over to the bay windows. Muttering to myself I shut the door.

“So how’s it all been Vee? You look great!

I smiled shyly and pulled my robe tightly in to show off my figure. All girls do it.

“Working hard. Paying bills. You know how it goes.” I said coyly

“Sure do” he beamed back. “When’s the last time you been home?”

“Well, there’s been no funerals in while since Momma.” I trailed off.

“Yea, I heard about that. How you doing?” he asked sympathetically.

“Good.” I smiled “Daddy’s all retired and mooching up with Barbara Sanders. He says he’s lonely sooo…I guess it’s all good. He’s never been one to be good with being alone.”

He looked at me then so endearingly. It was like he was happy and sad all at once but he just perked up and said.

“Hey, I’m not in town for too long. Wanna get some dinner and just catch up?”

“Umm, I don’t know Charlie. I feel...”

“What? Your boyfriend doesn’t trust you?” he joked.

“As a matter of fact I don’t have one and I..” I remarked as Charlie cut me off midsentence again.

“Then it’s settled then. I’ll be back tonight and we’ll go have some fun like we use to.” He said as he started making his way to the door.

He stood facing the door seeming to have some issue turning the lock when I remembered sometimes it did get stuck.

“Let me get if for you, it gets stuck sometimes.” I said turning the lock to let him through. He briskly walked through as if in a hurry to get somewhere and then just stood there staring back at me.

“So we on tonight?” he smiled

“Sure. Whatever.” I smiled back as I slowly shut the door.

I stood there for a second as I came to terms with my beating heart. Charlie Vader. What mole hill did he crawl out of? He looked amazing and all of a sudden my ever consuming head ache no longer mattered. I needed my phone. I needed to Google search, Facebook the crap out of Charlie Vader. My stubbornness to get over Charlie was so extreme I refused to do this in the earlier years. I did not care then so why did I care now? I scrambled around my apartment in search of the phone I found wedged between the mattress and head board of my bed. I plunged myself into the mess of the covers as I unlocked and pulled up my Facebook App. I typed his name but nothing seemed to be loading. Strange. Did he even have Facebook? I pondered as I tapped the phone to my chin. Yes! He did. I blocked him ages ago so I wouldn’t find him if I ever felt the urge to go looking. I headed into my settings and there he was. I quickly unblocked and dived into the profile.

Seems Charlie was everywhere. The entire European, parts of Africa and Asia and off the grid for over a year now. No posts since the picture of Barney the barn owl that lived in my parent’s barn which was posted a year ago when he went home. Seems he posteda it nostalgically one year ago. But now somehow he’s here. What is going on?

I spent that entire day going through Charlie’s pictures and talking to myself about the many reasons Charlie Vader is showing up in my life. He seemed to have led an extraordinary like. No serious relationships it seems, guess Maizy never left much of an impression. I scolded myself for being that way but it seems I was holding on to some weird past hurt and I needed to get it together before he came back.

I figured the best way to get ready for this meetup was to first sleep off my headache. I woke as the sun began setting and hurriedly made my way to the bathroom to get ready to which I realized, Charlie never said when. I hurried anyway. The time ticked on and there was no sign of Charlie. I decided to take my trash out as I waited and as I swung the door open there he was. I yelped at this surprise

“You gave me a scare” I said holding my trash to my chest. “Why didn’t you knock or something?”

“Or something?” he smiled raising his eyebrows

“Yea. Gimme a sec. I need to toss this out.” I said as I made my way to the trash compactor.

I came back to my door wide open again.

“Do you have a thing against shutting doors or something?” I remembered joking.

“Or something.” He said flatly as he stared out the windows.

“So have you made any reservations or have anywhere in mind?” I asked

“Well, no.” He paused then.

“Ok, we can stay here. I can order in..” I replied as Charlie cut me off again.

“No, no I want to go out I just haven’t figured out how yet.” He half smiled as he turned back towards the window

At this point I figured he was probably having some sort of second thoughts so I made my way over and proceeded to place my hand on his shoulder but it went right through him. The shock I felt in that instant as my hand passed through him caused me to immediately jump back in a gasp. In this swift second he realized what had happened and was already facing me with his hands up.

“Lassie! It’s ok. I know how this looks and I’ll need you to not freak out right now because I will freak out and to be quite frank I’m not solid enough to revive you if you pass out.” He said swiftly

My breathing quickened it’s pace as my body froze over slowly. Here’s where I feel like an idiot because the first words to escape were

“Patrick Swayze”

“Uh huh” said Charlie wide eyed.

“Ghost?” I trembled as I pointed to him.’

“You can say that without the Patrick Swayze part of course.” He replied cautiously

“Why?...How?” I asked moving my hands to my lips.

I didn’t realize the pose he held with his hands in the air in surrender until he straightened up and looked grimly to the floor before glancing up and stating.

“Stray bullet out in the field.”

“What field?” I blurted before returning my fingers to my lips.

“I was shipped out again…no one knows yet.” He replied

The tears rolled down as I sat dumbfounded in silence for what seemed like hours as Charlie stood staring at me from the window. He broke the silence by saying

“Sorry it took me this long to look you up..”

“Don’t. Don’t go there… How are you here?” I snifled “How is this happening.”

“I missed you I guess…” he half smiled while staring at the floor. He stood up immediately.

“Hey. Let’s go somewhere. I bet you haven’t eaten all day.”

I stared at him glumly

“Are you serious right now? How Charlie? How?” I asked frustratedly.

“Because I don’t think you have eaten all day?” He replied with a slight smile

“Charlie!”

“Hey! I might be dead but you aren’t so how’s about we go get something?” he said sternly

My arms hugging my body and I huffed annoyed that he was not regarding the situation as seriously as he should.

“No one can see you Charlie.” I said in a low tone “They’ll think I’m crazy.”

“As if it bothered you before.” He chuckled then stopped at the glare I sent his way. “Ummm, you can pretend you’re on your phone like they do in the movies now. You’ve got those airpod thingies don’t ya?”

With a heavy sigh, I got up to get the airpods from my room and cam back out with one ear plugged.

“Happy?” I said

“Extremely!” he gleamed. “This is my first time in the city.”

“Really?” I asked with a puzzled face

“Well…first time with you.” He smiled.

I suggested we go to Carpos, they are loud and busy and high chance no one will pay any attention to me as I converse with a ghost of my past.

“Table for two please.” I stated as I approached the host.

“Why two?” asked Charlie

“Because I would like a booth” I replied with my teeth as I smiled.

The host looked up at me and spoke into her walkie, asking whether there were any available booths. There happened to be one so she picked up the menus and lead me to it.

I sat down as she asked whether I needed any drinks to start. I requested a Mohito and she proceeded to remind me where the washrooms were and to expect my waitress in a few as she smiled and walked away. Charlie moved into the opposite seat looking around and smiling.

“I like this!” he said

“Yea. It’s not bad and I have found pretty good songs to add to my Spotify playlists right here.” I beamed across the table as I caught the lady in the booth beside us staring. I smiled and began opening the menu.

The waitress came over with my drink and asked whether I was ready or wished to wait for my guest. Charlie scoffed and my reactive to kick him under the table serviced zero purpose so I quickly gave her my order for a rice bowl meal I usually order when I visit with a salad to start. She got the point and so smiled and walked away.

“You are right about the music Vee. This is my jam.” He smiled as he bobbed his head to Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People.

“It’s got this calming effect as dark as it is.” He said as he slid out and started twisting and jiving to the beat.

I watched him in wonder smiling when I noticed my faced was turned in the direction of the booth beside me and the lady was again staring back at me with a scowl. My eyes widened as I panicked and slowly turned to take my phone out my bag while Charlie continued dancing. The song ended and he sailed back into the booth.

“You’ve got some moves there Elvis.” I teased

“Thank you. Thank you very much lil mama.” Charlie responded in his best Elvis impersonation which to be fair was quite impressive.

We grew quiet as I noticed the lady beside us boring a hole into the side of my head and Charlie noticing my discomfort.

“So what’s going to happen from here? You know, afterlife and all. Do you see any bright light?” I teased bring my hands together on the table as I gazed forward at him.

He just smiled and replied.

“I’d have to kill you if I told you Vee…and I like you too much.” He smiled

I found myself blushing as I perked up stating

“So there is an afterlife huh?” I said now folding my arms.

He folded his arms too and smiled bashly after showing the acting of zipping his lips.

My waitress showed up with my salad and rice bowl and asked whether I needed another drink to which I confirmed I did.

“Man, that drink sure looks good. I don’t think I ever had one.” He remarked

“Oh, it’s lovely.” I said before we grew silent.

Charlie began looking around and seemed to be distracted by something. He had a faraway look as he excused himself.

“Hurry back!” I recanted before catching the lady’s attention beside me after which I pointed to the airpods and motioned a phone with my hand and a thumbs. She smiled nervously and looked away.

I buried my face in my hands wondering why I had even agreed to this in the first place. They were going to lock me up or worst, throw me out of there on a life ban. As I sat there beating myself up, a man approached my booth and slid into Charlie’s spot.

“That seat’s taken, sorry.” I smiled sheepishly.

“Is that so?” he said folding his arms and sitting back.

“Yea. That’s what I said so beat it.” I replied annoyed.

“Lassie! Relax. It’s me.” The man replied excitedly leaning in towards me. “It’s me Charlie. I had this weird idea as I remembered you saying Patrick Swayze and well I noticed this guy here sitting at the bar and well..” he replied pointing his thumbs at himself.

“Quite dapper if you ask me and clearly alone..” he continued as I finally cut him midsentence.

“Charlie!” I snapped

“What are you doing? You are interfering with freewill and how are you even doing that?”

“Well I’m dead anyway so how much more can I be punished? To answer the second question I believe the correct response would be Possess. I am possessing this’s man body. OOOoooOOo” He finshed making ghoulish sounds and wiggling his fingers as if he were playing an air piano.

“Charlie! This is not right, you..”

“I need a drink.” He said to th waitress as she approached. “And I think it will be one of those.” He said as he fished through John Doe’s pockets and found a wad of cash.

“Actually, I’ll have your most expensive bottle of wine.” He gleamed showing all of this John’s teeth.

“Charlie..”

“Vee, just go with it.” He smiled grabbing my hands this time as bot of our eyes shot open from the electricity I believe we both felt.

“Woah, that’s some spark you got there Lassie!”

Charlie and I spoke about everything, it was like no years had been lost. Conversation got easy and I got lost in his stories of his travels and with the drink refills I kept caring less about John Doe’s freewill and laughed and enjoyed Charlie’s company. At one point we both began raising our glasses to the lady beside as she scowled and looked away each time and as the night winded down so did we as we found ourselves gazing into each other’s eyes.

“Hey. If you can do one last thing before you disappear…” I said drunkenly before I realized I was about to ruin the moment as I saw disappointment creep into John Doe’s face. I quickly recountered.

“I mean, before the moon disappears. You know it’s a full moon tonight. They’re calling it a Pisces Moon, aren’t you a Pisces?” I slurred

“What’s a Pisces?” he replied lowering his eyes and leaning in again.

“Oh c’mon, you know. The fishes swimming in a circle that you tattooed around your wrist that had Momma praying for your soul.” I began giggling.

“Oh that Pisces.” He chuckled along as we indulged in the memory or momma’s hands on his head as he kneeled before her repenting.

The waitress came over to let us know it was time to go. Charlie insisted he pay with John Doe’s wad of cash and even left a huge tip for Nancy. That’s her name! Thought I would go this entire time without remembering.

We made our way into the street singing the chorus to Pumped Up Kicks and I looked over and asked how he was doing.

“I’m fine but John here is getting a little drunk.” He laughed. He turned to face me while brushing my face with his fingers.

“Pisces Moon” he said in a low tone as he stared back at me. “You know…before…it.. happened. Like before I faded out of my body and realized that this was it I saw the moon. It was the last thing I saw. But the last thing I thought was when I get home I’m gonna visit my lassie and I’m gonna ask her to dance.”

Tears streamed down my face as I felt my throat contract.

He walked over to the busker duo playing the guitar and singing on the pave. He signaled them to stop as he conversed with them shook the guy’s hand and turned to make his way back to me.

He curtsied before taking my hand as the guitarist started strumming a melodic tune that seemed quite familiar but yet so long ago. The singer started blowing a harmonica before heading into vocals.

Before I let you again, I just wanna see you in your eyes…were the starting words. Flowers in December. The song we shared our first kiss too back in the day.

We held each other close as we swayed under the moon.

“This is better.” He sighed “Thank you for this perfect send off and…” he paused as he moved me to see my face. “Live for me Lassie.” Were the last words he said before placing the softest kiss on to my lips. There was another sigh and as I opened my eyes, John Doe’s was staring back at me bewildered.

“What the bleep just happened? Who are you?” he said eyes wide open.

I never saw Charlie again and John Doe whose name by the way was Eddie Splinter needed a few sessions of therapy after . I don’t wonder anymore about what happens after death. There’s just too much living to be done. Charlie taught me that.