Gaslit

I rush across 28th street from 3rd Avenue to 1st, trying to get my short legs to Bellevue as fast as I possibly can. It’s 9:42 am, his appointment is at 10 and I’m hoping to make it in time to catch him at the door. My heart has been in my throat since the last message I received from him the night before.

I’ll kill myself if I can’t be with you. I’ll end it all right now.

Then, silence. I called and sent messages but never got a response and I haven’t been able to catch my breath since then. I would have shown up at his house if I actually knew where he lives, but we haven’t been together that long. We still meet up for dates and the bulk of our relationship is composed of phone calls and text messages. We were going to meet up for lunch after his appointment today, which is why I knew he’d be here. I hope he will be here. I cross the street on 28th and 1st and I see him, dark and brooding, walking towards the entrance to the hospital, my lungs finally fill completely and I run the rest of the way to the entrance. He doesn’t look surprised.

“What happened last night? Why didn’t you answer any of my messages? I thought you hurt yourself!” I am out of breath and almost frantic when I reach him. He slowly looks around, not meeting my eyes, and holds the door for me to step inside.

“What does it matter to you?” He says gravely, “You ended us.”

I look at him, I can see the worry on my face from the reflection in his glasses. I just don’t understand what he wants from me, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t mean to end our relationship, I just thought maybe it was too much too soon. In the first few weeks, I chalked it up to romance. It was all very fairytale, love at first sight. He said he saw me and he fell in love, but as the weeks passed I realized it wasn’t just a pick-up line or not a line in the way that I thought. His ideas for our relationship were more grandiose than I was used to, I was beginning to feel like we needed to slow down and I asked him for that much. All of his emotions have been so big, I guess I should have known he would react this way, right?

I have been second-guessing myself a lot lately, thinking maybe I am being ungrateful. I mean, he just met me and he loves me this much, he makes me feel like the sun doesn’t shine unless I am there. That has to be a good thing, right?

“I didn’t mean to hurt you this way. I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I don’t want to leave you,” I say. I look up at him in time to see his expression morph into The Mask, the high cheekboned grin and mischievous eyes. His smile softens to a more natural look and he kisses my cheek.

“You can’t leave me,” he says. I pause for a moment because I am sure that I am seeing things, there is no way that same gray man who walked into the building is standing in front of me. His skin has become brighter, there is no more grave expression, and the cloud of death that was hanging over him has dispersed. He grabs my hand and leads me with him into the waiting area. We continue to talk while being led into the exam room. We talk about trivial things like what we will eat for lunch and which train would get us there fastest. The doctor comes in and asks if he would prefer I’d wait outside while they complete his exam. He quickly responds,

“Oh no, It’s fine. This is my wife.” I am stunned but I smile blankly at the doctor as he continues with his questions. I completely zone out as they commence with the exam. Did I miss something? I think maybe I made the wrong move. I think maybe this was my way out of this relationship before we go any deeper. Is it too late now? He said I can’t leave him but surely I could just walk out this door and not look back, right? The doctor leaves the room for a moment and I catch him watching me, I was lost in thought so I barely hear him when he gazes at me lovingly and says,

“You are so ugly.”

His eyes are shining brightly and his smile is so genuine, I am sure I heard him wrong. My face falls slightly and I ask,

“What’d you say?”

“You’re beautiful.” He says, his face never changes. His eyes are still shining at me like I’m the sun. The nurse enters the room to give him his paperwork and next visit date, we exit the hospital hand in hand. He is still talking about the best place to eat, listing off his favorite places in the area as we walk down 1st Avenue. I look into every car window and reflective building that we pass. I see his confident stride, the way he grabs my hand as he leads me through the crowded street, I see myself, trailing along after him. I can’t help but catch my eye in every reflection of myself that we pass. I remember his shining eyes, his soft smile, the love and care in his voice, but the words he said elude me. Am I ugly?