Fumblin' About in the Dark

“’Ere, Jimmy; switch the fucking light on, won’t cha?”

“Ay, it’s dark in ‘ere and all, eh Harry?”

“Shut your fuckin’ trap, Sammy; if I wanted the opinion of an arsehole I would’ve stuck me ‘ead between my legs.”

“I fear the light switch avails me, Harold.”

“Talk proper, you cunt – me own fuckin’ brutha, talkin’ like a right proper nonce.”

“If my manner of speech bothers you, Harold, why don’t you invest in your own elocution lessons?”

“You ‘ear this, Sammy? Turnin’ his back on his family an’ culture. For what? Some fucken suits down at Paternoster Square? Fucking turncoat knob-end.”

“I were only makin’ an observation, Harry; it’s nowt polite to call someone an ‘arsehole’”

“Listen, you Northen twat, count yerself fuckin’ lucky we even talk to ya. Ever since primary school you’ve been dragging around the stink of the moors and coal dust with ya.”

“Now, that’s just an outright stereotype, Harry. I don’t even work in the mines…”

“All I know is, every single Yorkshire mutt is a congenital spastic; coal or no coal.”

“All I know is, I still can’t find this damnable light switch.”

“What’s ‘con-genitals’ mean, Jimmy?”

“It means ‘from birth’, Samuel; Harold is insinuating you’ve been a spastic from birth.”

“Why d’ ya ‘aff to be so horrible, Harry?”

“I’m your congenital nightmare, Sammy; blame Jimmy, he taught me the word.”

“And I deeply regret doing that.”

“’Ere, what’s that?!”

“The door’s locked, Harry! Someone’s shut the door and locked it.”

“Get out of it, try the ‘andle.”

“I’ve been doing that since they shut it!”

“Keep talkin’ Sammy; I’ll come to you.”

“I cannot see a hand in front of my face. What the devil do those women think they’re playing at; sending us into a dark room?”

“Fucken’ hell; that handle’s not budgin’”

“Told yur.”

“Are you sure you got the right address, Sammy?”

“Yes, Harry, I’m positive. My Billie had me write it down on some paper; it’s in my pocket.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you ‘eld on to it, Sammy; cause it’ll be so easy to read in this fuckin’ darkness!”

“Don’t yell at Samuel, Harold; it’s not his fault our wives sent us here, sans our phones. ‘Special surprise’ indeed.”

“I thought they might be preparin’ summat sexy for the three of us. All romantic like…”

“Jimmy, you scholar; ‘our phones’…”

“Yes, we haven’t got them, Harold; I just established that.”

“Yeah, but you’ve reminded me of sumthing’”

“’Ay, steady on now, Harry; don’t get that flame so close to me face.”

“It’s only cause you’re standin’ next ta me, you pickled Norbit – you think I want to look at your cunt face? You look like a starved otter, you toothy git.”

“I’d forgotten you smoked, Harold. Damned fool I was, to have forgotten your lighter.”

“It’s not been an outstanding evening for either of us, brutha.”

“You shouldn’t speak to me that way, Harry. You know I’m sensitive about my buck teeth; ever since primary school.”

“Let’s ‘ave a look about this place, shall we? …Ay! What the fucken’ hell?”

“Why’d you switch off yur lighta’, Harry?”

“I didn’t, you nonce, someone’s just knocked it out of me hand!”

“It wasn’t me, Harold.”

“And I haven’t touched yur, Harry!”

“Listen, you two arse-bandits; I know when someone’s fuckin’ knocked me, and they just done it to my ‘and; there must be some other cunt in this room!”

“How’s that even possible?”

“Worry about that later, Jimmy; ‘elp me find this fucking lighta.”

“I smell perfume…”

“Make yerself useful, ‘otter’ and help us down ‘ere.”

“No, he’s right, Harold; I smell it too.”

“I recognize it an all. That’s my billie’s perfume!”

“What, your wife; in ‘ere with us, knockin’ things outta people’s ‘ands? Do me a favour, you terminal bell-end…”

“Billie? Are you in here, love? Look, it’s been a right proper laugh an all, but the joke’s over now, lovely.”

“Ow! What am I fucken hitting now?”

“Are you all-right, Harold?”

“I’ve bumped into sumthin’…feels like a hobby horse.”

“You mean like, for a child?”

“No, Jimmy, I mean one of those things we used to jump over in the gym.”

“Like at primary school?”

“Thank you for chiming in, Sammy; yes, at primary school – why the fuck aren’t you ‘ere on the floor with us?”

“You mean a pommel box.”

“What?”

“It’s called a pommel box or a vaulting horse, Harold.”

“Pommel, Rommel or fuckin’ high-ho Silver; I’ve hit my head on the cunt!”

“There’s still no sign of that lighter of yours.”

“Whoever knocked it outta me hand, has probably nicked it by now. And if it is your Billie, Sammy, I’m gonna put ‘er over this fucken’ horse and make her arse red with my hand!”

“Ay, Ay! Steady on there, pal; that’s my wife yur talkin’ about!”

“Way I hear it, you’d be doing her a favour…”

“…”

“Ay?”

“Look, it’s nothing; sorry to have mentioned it.”

“No, go on Jimmy; I’d like to hear this.”

“I’m suddenly fucken’ interested, meself.”

“’Ave you been talking to my wife, Jimmy?”

“Dear oh dear, brutha. What have you gotten yourself into?”

“Look, occasionally Billie visits Vera and I, and…she’s mentioned some things.”

“What things, Jimmy?”

“Things…where…she’s been left unsatisfied.”

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…”

“Left unsatisfied? With what? By who?”

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“She’s experienced dissatisfaction, of a personal nature…from you, Samuel”

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“How have I left her unsatisfied, Jimmy?”

“Mrs. Otter isn’t getting’ her end away! Ah-ha-ha-ha-fuckin’-ha!”

“She mentioned that you never take the initiative; you’re much too polite in these matters, Samuel.”

“And she said this, to you and Vera?”

“HA-HA-HA-fuckin’-HA!”

“I...I do my best. Sometimes I just get nervous. If she had a…why didn’t she?...”

“Oh, my sides! My ribs is ‘urtin! Brutha; if the horse don’t kill me, you will! HA-HA-HA!”

“Harry, I would appreciate it if you SHUT YOUR FUCKING GOB, YOU SWEATY PIG!”

“…”

“A little more of that spirit, Sammy, and Mrs. Otter probably wouldn’t be talkin’ crap to yer mates.”

“…”

“Samuel?”

“If he’s not takin’ the bait on that one, he’s a right proper little mouse, just like Billie said. Sammy?”

“…”

“Fucken’ ‘ell. Forget the lighta, brutha; we might’ve just lost a mate.”

“I’ll head towards the door; you try the rest of the room.”

“Come on Sammy, talk to us, mate.”

“Samuel? What’s happened?”

“AHHHHH! My fucking neck!”

“Harold, what’s happening? What was that noise?”

“Some cunt…some FUCK-ING CUNT…has just STABBED ME IN THE FUCKING NECK!”

“You’re bleeding?”

“No, no, a needle! Some cunt’s just stabbed me with a fucking needle!”

“You mean a syringe?”

“You say potato; I say – EAT MY FUCKING ARSE, you nonce! Yes, a cunting ‘syringe’, your fucking lordship! Come over here and help me, I’m laid out here on the floor.”

“Pick yourself up, you lazy sod.”

“I…I can’t, brutha; I can’t move!”

“Ohhhh-AHHHHH!...Jesus Christ!”

“What’s happenin’, brutha? I can’t reach ya; I’m paralysed!”

“Someone’s just stuffed something under my nose…it’s fruity; it smells like…amyl nitrate!”

“Talk proper, you arsehole!”

“A popper! They’ve shoved a popper under me nose, you fucking DUNCE!”

“Now, that’s the brutha, I know; it only took a popper to bring you back.”

“Oh, shut up, you fat prick, this is no time for jokes; I think we’ve been drugged. Christ, my head, I think I better lean against a wall...”

“I’m starting to feel sstrang meself, brussa…”

“Stop slurring; use your English, man.”

“Caarnt, lups feel numb…”

“I met him in Liverpool, by the fun fair. Both of us were on holiday.”

“’Ere, whosss tat?”

“At first, I thought he was strong and masculine. Brimmin’ with confidence. Took a good year of marriage till I worked out he was just a common thug.”

“That sounds like your Kathy. Oh fuck…I’m dizzy.”

“Only thing he cares about is himself. Only thing he cares about in bed is himself. A selfish pig, through and through.”

“Sounds like Samuel’s not the only one letting the missus down.”

“MmmmmggFBBBLLRRYYNGL!”

“Stop shouting. Listen to her voice; there’s a stereo in the room somewhere…probably a recording.”

“Am I satisfied during sex? You must be joking. Satisfied with that hairy cunt, hammerin’ away at me? I doubt he’s even heard of the clitoris.”

“GEERTORRFFFMYYYFWUCKINGFCEEE!”

“Too much s-s-shouting…Can’t move; slurring speech; they must have given you a paralytic, Harold.”

“Mind you, he can find me arsehole, easy enough. He’s always trying to stick it in me bum; no matter how often I tell ‘im, ‘no’”

“Jesus, brother, you are a dirty boy behind closed doors…Harold?”

“…”

“Oh God; now he’s gone…the walls…there’s something on the walls…”

“Gorrr! Me blood’s raging. I’m sweatin’, Jimmy, sweatin’!”

“Samuel? Where did you disappear to?”

“Oh, that. I felt hands on me. They dragged me away, and drugged me with summat that’s made me right proper horny.”

“Horny? Oh, fuck it, never mind; there’s braille on the walls.”

“Ay?”

“There’s braille, on the walls!”

“What, like your sister reads? That’s strange now, isn’t it?”

“It is strange…I learnt braille, to help my sister; while the rest of the family just sat on their arses, collecting welfare.”

“That’s proper sad, that is. Ay, what’s that music?”

“I think…I think it’s disco.”

“I like it, I like it! It’s speakin’ to me, Jimmy! Fuck me, I’m fuckin’ roasting here; I’ve gotta get me kit off!”

“Thank God it’s dark…words, words; words on the wall…”

“My temples are beatin’…the music’s thumpin’…I can feel me heart beatin’ in me dick, Jimmy.”

“Hee-hee-hee-HEE-hee…it’s the karma sutra…the writing on the wall, it’s the karma sutra.”

“Goorrrr, fuck me, Jimmy; I’ll do the whole karma sutra by meself, right now; my cock is harder than FUCK-ING diamonds, man. I gotta move about…”

“Listen to this: ‘Man should study the Kama Sutra and the arts and sciences subordinate thereto, in addition to the study of the arts and sciences contained in Dharma and Artha.’”

“‘Give me some hot stuff, baby, this evenin' Give me some hot stuff, baby, tonight!”

“You’re getting the lyrics wrong…‘Even young maids should study this Kama Sutra along with its arts and sciences before marriage, and after it they should continue to do so with the consent of their husbands’.

“Ay-ay-ay! What’s this I’ve run into? Broad, thick legs and thighs? Bent over the rocking horse?”

“Pommel Horse.”

“Rommel Horse. With lovely stockings and garters. Gawh, what’s that heavenly smell? I know that perfume, it’s my Billie!”

“‘Man is divided into three classes, viz., the hare-man, the butt-man, and the horse-man, according to the size of his lingam’ Hee-hee-hee-HEE-hee. Lingam.”

“Billie has prepared summat sexy for me, Jimmy. She’s lashed herself to the Rommel Horse, bare-arsed and all!”

“Lucky you. Hee-hee-hee-HEE-hee.”

“Gorrr, she’s even covered up her pussy with a strip like them Japs do in pornos. I think I know where our Billie wants me to stick it!”

“Why does everyone suddenly want the arse?! ‘Woman also, according to the depth of her yoni, is either a female-deer, a mare, or a female-elephant’. Hee-hee-hee-HEE-hee.”

“Billie, you dirty bitch – but who am I to say no, Jimmy? Time to take me female elephant through the back door!”

“H-how do you know she’s not a female-deer?”

“Oh, our Billie’s too thick in the back for a deer, mate; wa-hey! Here it comes, love; harder than fuckin’ diamonds!”

“Give her one for me, son. ‘The fall of the semen of the man takes place only at the end of coition, while the semen of the woman falls continually, and after the semen of both has all fallen away, they wish for the discontinuance of coition’ Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“Phwoar, she’s tighter than a drum, Jimmy”

“Well, when she comes, she’s done. Just remember that.”

“I’m not sure I’ve ever made her cum before, Jimmy.”

“When she drops her lady-semen, show’s over.”

“Lady-semen? Her gash is taped up, Jimmy; how will I know?”

“Look, that’s what the instructions on the wall say; I didn’t write ‘em! Stop distracting me; I’m reading.”

“Fair-enough, pal; I’m up to my balls in some heavy fucking, myself.”

“‘The strength of passion with women varies a great deal, some being easily satisfied, and others eager and willing to go on for a long time. To satisfy these last thoroughly a man must have recourse to art.’”

“What’cha mean, art? It’s not like I can stick me finger up her arse – I’m already in up to the hilt – and I can’t flick her bean with this Jap tape in the way.”

“Well, then…grab her tits and pinch her nipples till she cums. Hee-hee-hee-HEE-hee.”

“Ohhh. Never mind that, Jimmy; I’m close meself!”

“Christ, it’s like ‘murder in the dark’ down at Soho… ‘At the first time of sexual union the passion of the male is intense, and his time is short.’ Case in point.”

“Ohhh, Jimmy. Oh God, I’m gunna flood the Nile!”

“Yeah, I don’t need a blow-by-blow account. ‘But the study of sex is elementary, and those who treat sexuality like stereo instructions are bound to create a robotic air of sex within themselves and for their partners.’ Eh? That doesn’t sound very san-skritty.”

“Ohhhh, cumming, cumming, CUMMM-MING!”

“‘For example, tall, aloof, bald men…desperate to curry favour with day-traders…filling up their mouths with elocution lessons, and thinking that an overtly intellectual approach to just about everything, will get a woman wetter than Niagra Falls’…why do I feel targeted?”

“Oh…Goddddddd!”

“‘There’s a difference between knowing how to give a woman pleasure, James, and executing it in such a way that a woman doesn’t end up feeling like a CPR mannequin. FYI, atmosphere is everything, your loving Vera’ …well, shit.”

“Phew! Fuck me; I’ve turned my Billie into a cream puff. You all right there, luv?”

“So, Vera’s disappointed as well? Explains a lot about the room…”

“Billie? Mind you, she were awful quiet up until the end there. Barely moved at all.”

“mmmGHHETTHISSgargoorffMEEEEE!!!”

“Billie? I think she’s got a gag over her mouth.”

“Spared nothing on the kinky front, eh? If it is Billie, of course…”

“Let me get that, luv - ‘Ere, what’choo mean, Jimmy?”

“IT’S ME, YOU CUNT! IT’S ME, YOU STUPID, FUCKING DONKEY! YOU BUGGERISING, PIECE-OF-SHIT DUCKEY – IT’S MEEEEEE!!!!”

“…”

“I…I…”

“So that’s where Harold went.”

“Oh Christ, oh fuck, oh Jesus!”

“You fucking nonce! There were three of them! They took my clothes, shaved my legs, shaved my arse and sprayed me with perfume! They stuck me in this kinky shit and then they tied me to the knocking horse!”

“Pommel Horse.”

“Untie me, you cunt! Untie me; I fucking dare you! I’ll rip your Pommel off and STICK IT UP YOUR RING PIECE!”

“Can’t be any worse than what Samuel’s done to yours.”

“I just fuh…I just fuh-uhhed…I think I’m goin’ to be sick.”

“YOU’RE going to be sick? How do you think I’ve felt, you bell-end? Stuck in women’s knickers, tied to a horse, and buggered to the point of passing out by a Lancashire weasel with a cock like a fizzy can! I almost choked on me own vomit!”

“I thought…I thought - wait, you think I’m girthy?”

“Never mind that; you selfish twat! You swanned up to my arse, head full of Viagra - or whatever they give ya – didn’t think to check who it was; didn’t even think to buy me dinner first!”

“I smelt the perfume; I felt Billie’s long hair!”

“It’s a wig; a wig, you cunt! And not a kind word during the entire thing; I’ve never felt more like a piece of meat.”

“How did they hide your bits, Harold?”

“The Jap tape, you stupid sod! They rolled me bollocks back inside, pushed me cock inside my body, and taped it over.”

“Just like the film, M. Butterfly; Shi Pei Pu, the transvestite who fooled a Frenchman into thinking he was a woman. Clever.”

“I...I should’ve known…I should’ve been able to tell.”

“Yes, you fucken’ should have, you twank! Meanwhile, my arsehole’s minced beef, and I feel like the milkman’s made his delivery in my back-passage! You been savin’ that up, had ya, Sammy? Storin’ your nuts for the winta? I thought you’d never finish back there!”

“I…I just fucked Harry…Uuuurrrghhk!”

“Try not to puke, Samuel, the smell of baby batter and bum-sauce in here is bad enough.”

“‘Ere, are you two knob-ends just going to stand there on ceremony? Get me the fuck off this horse!”

“Apologies, brother…”

“No, wait, Jimmy! Let’s think about this; if we untie him, he’s goin’ to kill me!”

“I’m gunna do so much worse than that, Sammy! I’m going to cut you up into little pieces and send the bits to your family! I’m going to turn you into a sock for fuckin’ elephants! But first, I’m going to turn your arsehole inside-out, with my fucking fist!”

“He does sound upset.”

“You know what? First off, Harry, you’ll ‘aff to find me in this darkness. Secondly…”

“You c - AHH, me fuckin’ eyes!”

“What now?”

“Someone’s…switched on the light.”

“Billie!”

“Vera.”

“Kathy! …I’m so sorry, I’ve been such a bad lover.”