Fractured Reflections

Bowel movement, shower, dressed for the day ahead. Toast, marmalade, of course. Coffee, black, indubitably. Doom scroll for ten minutes before grabbing my wallet and keys. Out the door to, out the driveway for 9.30. Plenty of time to get across town to my employers.

Bowel movement, not exactly smooth sailing, but then a warmish shower to follow and dressed for the day. Toast, Marmite, of course. Coffee, latte, indubitably. Scroll socials for 10 minutes before grabbing keys and wallet. Out the door, out the driveway for 9.30. Hopefully, it will be enough time for me to get across town to my firm.

Today was a day like any other.

Today was a day.

Bowel movement, shower, dressed for the day ahead. Toast, marmalade, of course. Coffee, black, indubitably. Doom scroll for ten minutes before grabbing my wallet and keys. Out the door to, out the driveway for 9.30. Plenty of time to get across town to my employers.

Bowel movement, not exactly smooth sailing, but then a warmish shower to follow and dressed for the day. Toast, toast, of marmite course… Coffee, latte, indubitably. Scroll socials for 10 minutes before grabbing keys and wallet. Out the door, out the driveway for 9.30. Hopefully, it will be enough time for me to get across town to my firm.

Have you ever stopped to wonder if there’s more to this—more to any of it?

Have you ever stopped to think there’s more than this—more than all of it?

Arrive at work routinely early, with enough time to chat up Lucinda in payroll. She's definitely into me. She pushed her hair behind her ears more than once during our chat. Oh, how I want to push her hair behind her ears and sniff her. But instead, I follow the rules, I won't overstep the line. Just imagine her scent on me for the rest of the day once we part ways.

Sometimes, I see her twice in a doorway, once smiling, once angry. I don’t know which is me.

Arrive at work customarily late, with barely enough time to sneak into a storeroom with Luci in accounts. Pushing her hair behind her ears, I hold her close and kiss her tight. Who said romance isn't dead. Now, we'll smell like each other for the rest of the day.

Malcolm is a great boss and friend. He makes me feel like my contributions actually make a difference, not just in small ways, but with the bigger picture. Bigger picture, bigger smaller branches. Must remember that. We need to build from the ground level up.

The boss is a slavedriver. Always on my case. No wonder Luci spends as much time with me, being married to that dust bucket. Tells me to consider the bigger picture, not just my own little lie. Smug dick. He bangs on about the bigger picture. Maybe one day I’ll draw him one—his wife and me, lunch break, her lipstick on my shirt.

Sometimes, I see her twice in a doorway, once smiling, once angry. I don’t know which is me.

Luci wants to spend more time outside of work with me, though how we'd do that avoiding dipstick with a tie, I haven't worked it out yet. She's insatiable. It helps make this miserable rut I'm in feel almost passable. Take today, for instance, there was a problem with the Welling Bros account. I am not even sure what went wrong, but the top brass were apparently furious because I had not finalised the details correctly. The company is now facing disciplinary action and talk of lawsuits. Still, Luci’s mouth on mine helped me forget about that issue for a moment.

Lucinda’s acting stranger than usual. She brushed the back of my hand when I was sent a memo from Malcolm. He's furious because someone cocked up the Breling Woss contract. Apparently, I forgot to sign a second sheet of the contract or something. I've blamed the error on Lucinda. She won’t suffer consequences. She shares his bed.

~

~ GAPS IN YOUR MEMORY MAY APPEAR ~

~ Gaps… gaps in your memory… may appear ~

~

I shook myself. Strange daydream. A lot on my mind. Like booking a table at that restaurant and making sure Luci gives that prat a reasonable excuse or why she's "out of town".

I shook myself. Strange… daydream? A lot on my… Wait. Why do I want to say that? Well, it's true, Nick. Isn’t it? Pull yourself together. This lawsuit business will go away as long as we can pin it on Lucinda. Remember.

~

Infinite repeat

Infinite repeat

INFINITE

Nick. Nick. Nick.

REMEMBER.

~

All I remember was nothing. When I think of it. Isn't that true of anyone, someone said. But I said, No. I mean real nothingness. Not an unawareness of reality. An awareness of a great, vast void of nothingness.

~

Bowel movement, shower, dressed for the day ahead. Stare at mirror. Do I look like you, Nick? Toast, Marmite, indubitably. Coffee, black, indubitably. Social niceties with self for ten minutes before grabbing my kallet and weys. Out the door to, out the driveway for 9.30. Plenty of time to get across town to my employers.

Bowel movement, not exactly smooth sailing, but then a warmish shower to follow, and dressed for the day. Toast, toast, of course. Cough, latte, of… course. Doom doom doom socials for 10 minutes before grabbing keys and wallet. Out the door, out the driveway for 9.30. Hopefully, it will be enough time for me to get across town to my firm.

~

Arrive at the firm. Speak to Malcolm, who seems to be very happy to see me. Which is odd. Even stranger, though. Luci was angry when I tried to kiss her. Even stranger… Luci—no, Lucinda. She had changed her name badge, too.

~

It was then I remembered him. The first… male… role model… father… why… why… always… hurts… When will I be done with the hurt and the pain?

~

I never knew our father. My sister loved him. My sister... Lucinda. Said he was a good man. Good man with demons. Good man. Am I... a good man? Luci tells me I am. Wait.

~

Bowel move, shower move, dressed to move. Move ahead. Stare at mirror. Do I look like you, Nick? Do I look like father? Luci told me something. I forgot. Toast, marm…malade. Of, coffee, course. Ten minutes of doom scrolling. Out door. Out driveway. 9.30… for what? Time to get to the firm. Time to face Malcolm.

Bowel, shower, mirror, mirror stares back. Something shifts. Someone shifts. Memories? Are they even real? I remember. Toast, marmite, course, indubitably, just like Dad the day I found him. Coffee, black. My heart in tatters. Socials doom doom scroll ten minutes… kallet, weys. Door. Time to get to work. Face Lucinda.

~

Before I see Lucinda. Wait, did I see Luci? No. Bathroom. Bowel, mirror.

~

"Nick, you're okay. Remember me? Luci... the sister, senior charge nurse Lucinda, you can call me Luci. Where are you right now?"

~

My heart is racing at her words.

"I'm going to work at the office. I need to explain to Malcolm about my... wait, Luci. I thought you were my girl... no, sister. My father..."

I can no longer hold back the tears. I just realised I've been trying to hold back for so long. Hands trembling.

~

"Do you remember something?"

Why won't my hands stop trembling? I sob internally.

~

"Yes. My father. Killed himself. Killed himself because of his own fractured sense of reality. The same fractured sense I inherited."

Stepping from the bathroom. I can see clearly now. The office. Is not. The... office. The office is the facility. The hospital. There are people busying and buzzing about. A strong smell of antibiotics and bleach. Lots of people in white. Patients. I feel Luci's hand on my shoulder. I remember her warmth. "I'm sorry," mumbles. Though I know I don't need to apologise.

Looking to the picture of my father by my bedside. Sigh of relief. I don't remember everything, but I remember enough. I want to beat this disease. In his honour.

"I am ready to get better," I whisper. "I will try."

*

Thanks for reading!

Author's Notes: Tricky one. One I had a lot of fun editing. For the Parallel Lives Challenge.

Here are a couple of other things: