Foxglove Public Library

First off, congratulations! You have been selected for this position as overnight library security based off your unique qualifications, indomitable spirit, and impressive mental fortitude. We would like to offer you a few instructions and helpful tips to make your first and future shifts here as smooth and easy as possible. Read thoroughly and keep this sheet on you at all times. The last thing you want is for the shadows in the corner of the breakroom to find it. Once again, welcome to the team!

1. When you clock in, use the computer on the far left of the front desk. Do not use the one in the center. It asks too many questions

2. If you pack a lunch, don’t leave red meat in the breakroom fridge. It makes the shadows more aggressive.

3. Once you’re clocked in and settled, it’s time to start your rounds. Once an hour, at the top of the hour. If you miss one, wait. Do not try to make up for a late round, the walls don’t like sudden movement.

4. Always take the same route.

5. Start with the return chute- do not open it. You might hear something inside. It is a squirrel, tell yourself it’s a squirrel. It will find its way out eventually. Books returned during the hours of midnight and 3am will be inspected in the morning, and reshelved or burned as deemed appropriate. This is not your job. The librarians are trained to handle such things.

6. Once you’ve covered the back rooms, move onto nonfiction. It is the most trustworthy section. You may feel a chill walking past the civil war shelves. That is normal.

7. The animal murals in the children’s section like to move around sometimes. This is harmless. Watch out for the flowers, however, they can be a bit thorny.

8. On particularly quiet nights, you may be approached in the music section by an old woman. She will tell you that she is waiting for her husband, and that he has been lost at sea. Offer to escort her to the seating area around the corner. Tell her that you will bring her some tea. Walk away and don’t look back. She will be gone by your next round.

9. The scifi and fantasy section is dangerously enticing. Turn up the music in your headphones, the whispers cannot reach you there. You may see a darting, dancing light from the corner of your eye, do not investigate. If you snack during your round, leave some behind on the reshelving cart. Blueberries and granola are a favorite.

10. DO NOT go into the basement after the sun sets. Ensure the padlock is secure, say nothing. Make as little noise as possible. Some things are stored down there for a reason.

11. Complete your route in contemporary fiction. Even if there are bumps and crashes, give it no attention until you are done. It tends to get a little cocky, and needs to be reminded of its place.

12. If you are a reader, make your selection before your shift, and do not start another until that book is complete. Jealousy runs rampant. Do not leave your book unattended, even at the front desk. It may not be the same one when you return. If that happens, kindly drop it in the indoor return chute. Ignore the eyes at the bottom of the chute. It guards against mildew and red rot.

13. Never turn off the lights if you find them turned on. If they blink out, move to a new section and wait five minutes. If they turn back on, you are safe to proceed. If they stay off, there are spare bulbs in the janitor’s closet. You are safe to change them after ten minutes.

Now that we have the basics covered, we acknowledge that mistakes happen! We’re only human after all. Here’s a few emergency protocols. Memorize them. Never speak them aloud. They cannot know our tactics.

Break in: be honest, who would break into a library? Do not engage. The aisles are like a maze. They are a labyrinth, and they move when provoked. Stay at the desk until dawn, do not attempt to make any more rounds. The books have been angered.

Fire: The sprinklers know what to do. Pull the fire alarm and take refuge in the restroom. The smell of smoke will dissipate after an hour. If you find ashes, do not touch them. It was a weak book.

Power outage: Hide underneath the desk, and keep all of your belongings close. If the computers reboot, do not believe them. Do not come out from beneath the desk. Do not let them know that you’re there. The backup generators will turn over eventually, take refuge in nonfiction until the sun rises.

You brought sausage spaghetti and left it in the fridge and now the breakroom is overrun: That food is no longer yours. There’s an emergency canister of salt under the front desk. Make a line in front of the door and do not open it for the remainder of the night. The janitor will know what to do in the morning.

The padlock on the basement door is unlocked, broken, or in any way altered: Pray. Understand that you are armed with a flashlight and pepper spray, and proceed accordingly. The best course of action is to hide in the back corner of the children’s section, farthest from the basement door. The animals will do what they can to protect you. When sun rises, flee out the front doors and the front doors ONLY. You will be safe to return to work after two days.

If you have any questions, please reach out to Edith, she’ll be happy to address any and all concerns. We are happy to have you here at the library, and hope your experience with us is an adventure greater than all the stories we have to offer!