Forgetting John

He was my first love. Brown eyes, brown hair but a cold demeanour. Probably that was what did it for me—cold. John was smart and had good looks to go with it but most of all, I was his or that was what I had thought.

I remember the cloudy skies that morning and the fog that came with it. I remember watching the birds fly away for their own safety, away from the danger that lurked within the forests where we were, where our hike was taking place. John had gripped my hands so tight and we made a run for it away from the wild and into civilisation. We had barely gone far before we heard a gunshot coming from the forest. That night I stayed with him, cuddled in his bed.

Those were one of the times that he made me feel safe and loved.

John had a thing for brunettes, he had told me a secret of his, that it was a turn on for him. I was a brunette, it was one of the things that made him like me. Words as sweet as honey, one would wish they would last forever. If only wishes came true.

I cried the day we broke up, in the car that my Dad had gifted me for my eighteenth birthday. Turns out that I had spent four years of my life being with john. He had taken my innocence and had given me an oath in exchange. “I would love you for the rest of my life, Mi amor.”

I remember throwing up, barely able to eat anything. The sad songs that I listened to whilst cuddled up in my room not wanting to be cheered up or comforted. Adele's music had being my go to, a fuel for my pain. I remember wearing glasses to the church mass making sure to avoid being noticed by anyone, they couldn’t see the eye bags under my eye— a pellucid evidence of my sleep deprivation. I would always leave before everyone else, even Mum.

Mum knew John and so did the rest of my family. On my nineteenth birthday, few days after we had broken up, I had waited for John. I had imagined he would show up and tell me that everything was all a lie, a fabricated story made to tease me but alas, John never showed even after I had given him an early invitation. He had replaced us in two weeks, all that we had built for the past four years was gone in just two weeks and the girl happened to be a brunette too. I ran to the restroom and had cried my eyes out. How cruel could you be John? You could have waited even if it was just six months.

The next few days after that were terrible. Whoever said forgetting john would be so easy? Everywhere I went, I could see him, feel him and smell the cologne he used to wear—it was always so intoxicating that I would lean in just to get more of it’s fragrance.

We had a favorite place, the ocean. It was there we had our first kiss, and there we made love countless times. I called it heaven, and I held it close to my heart as with him— like a religion. A faith that I would defend and one that I would die in. Days passed and I barely remembered what the beach looked like, and what it’s sands felt like. All I could remember was John.

Those days slowly turned into weeks and those weeks into months. I was tardily getting back to my normal life or whatever it was that my mum thought normal meant.

A letter from UCLA had arrived, I had gotten accepted. College was as I had expected, filled with workload but I was grateful for the few friends that I had made in just a short time. Forgetting john was no longer impossible. All I needed to do was not to think of him. I barely socialized with anyone, I had a very mundane life, wake up, get dressed, attend lectures, come home, eat, sleep and repeat. It was mundane, I stayed away from college parties and avoided trouble but most importantly, I avoided relationships.

I had gotten quite cold but it wasn’t intentional. I remember meeting a guy on a hike that my friends had dragged me to. He was good looking and had blue eyes. The colour that brought those memories back, memories of the ocean.

“Your eyes, they remind me of the ocean, cerulean blue kissing the earth’s foot.”

“Thank you miss.” He must have thought I was a poet.

I scoffed. “It wasn’t a compliment. I despise the ocean.” I turned away from him, the memories crashing down on me once again. “It reminds me of him.”

Let's just say he hadn’t expected that part.

Fast forward to three months later, life was going smoothly until the second semester when I met him, Noah.

I had known Noah ever since I was young, we had attended the same middle school and we lived quite close to each other. Noah was three years older than I, the same age as John but he had blue eyes and blonde hair.

I had bumped into him during one of my classes and though his gaze had lingered on me for more than a second, he never called it anything more than what it was— familiarity. I was just someone that he knew. To any one around, the whole scenario would depict as us just being strangers because Noah hadn’t acknowledged me. The next day I was greeted with a handshake from him. He had said he knew that I was the one but he couldn’t gather the courage to approach me earlier.

Noah was kind even at first impression, we ended up hanging out and before we even knew it we were very good friends.

As time went on, we discovered that we both had things in common. We enjoyed the same type of cartoons. We shared thesame interests in politics and entertainment and we both loved to go on adventures.

Then it started—the feelings, Noah opened up to me one day about the way he felt about me. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel thesame but I wasn’t ready to be his—at least not yet. Even though it had been almost two years since John and I broke up, I was still hesitant to jump into another one. I was going to take my time to test the waters before diving in.

If I was going to be with Noah, I needed to heal, to avoid dumping my garbage on him. He didn’t deserve it. He was so kind that it had me realizing that I wasn’t worthy of him. We would have to wait.

“Now is not the right time for us.” This was the reply I had kept on giving and one day he lost it. Hitting his hand hard on the wall, he stormed out and ended up ghosting me for days but on one sunny day, he showed up with flowers and a huge smile.

“I will wait, Tara, I will wait.”

A tear slipped from my eye, accompanied by another and before I knew it, my shoulders were shaking as I broke down. “How sweeter can you get, Noah?”

“As sweet as I can be.”

Just as Noah had promised, we remained friends even after our graduation.

On the day of my graduation, Noah having finished two years before me, had asked me again, to be his. We ended up having our first kiss in the graduation hall, with the cheers and gasps we got from everyone.

Noah drove me home in his car, an suv he had purchased during his final year. We had taken a detour at a restaurant and there he paid for the date. I had once told Noah about John although I hadn’t given him the name. That would have been the final piece of the puzzle and he would have fit it right together.

While we were still there, I saw someone walk in from the corner of my eyes, he had a broad chest and his biceps peaked out from beneath the shirt he wore making him look mesmerising and attractive but unfortunately he wasn’t the peak of my attention because Noah was.

The man turned and I could tell who it was—John. I couldn’t deny I felt my heart skip but not for a good reason. It was more of those times where you didn’t expect to see someone but then they just pop out of the blue— a ghost from the past.

I turned away quickly before Noah could notice me staring and thankfully he didn’t. We had dinner and he drove me home then left me at the door with a soft but passionate kiss.

All seemed to go well until I bumped into John again but this time at a cafeteria, he was carrying a little bag, probably were his gadgets were. I had forgotten my phone at home and so any calls that would come through would all go to voicemails.

He had that look on his face, one of remorse and also surprise.

“Tara.” My name fell off his lips like it usually did—a sweet melody of grace. I opted to walk past him but he held me back. “Please, let's talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” That was the truth. I may have resented him for years but seeing him right now, all that resentment was gone. That was how far I had healed. I felt nothing towards him, neither love nor anger—just nothing.

“Please, thirty minutes and I promise you won’t see me again.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

“You look beautiful.” That was the first thing he said once we got seated at the café. “Well you have always been beautiful.”

“I know.” My words might have come out harsh but it was the truth. I was beautiful and I didn’t need him telling me.

“So, I saw you are with someone else and he looks good—”

“Is this what you wanted to tell me?” His question had disappointed me but I wasn’t surprised either. Everything was always about him, even the world revolved around him.

“Well, No—I." he stuttered.

“John.” He replied with a low hum. “I know it’s been years since we broke up, but I would like to know something.”

“Ok.”

“Do you still like innocent girls?”

The look on his face was everything. The question had caught him off guard but it was the truth that even he couldn’t deny. Back then, he had preyed on my innocence. Yes, I was young then, stupid and naive and he had exploited them all to his own benefit.

He remained dumbfounded even after I had stood up to leave. He didn’t stop me, my words had struck a nerve— hitting so close to home. I stopped once I was outside the café, I hadn’t expected Noah to be there and he was furious. He watched me with those angry eyes and then glared into the café at John who was stilled seated. Their eyes locked and that was enough for Noah and he quickly pieced it together. I had told him one certain time about John and right now, it all made sense to him. I had been talking with my ex, I was cheating on him.

“Noah!” I tried to stop him but he stormed into the café, went right up to John and dealt him a blow. Before it could escalate, security came in and pulled them apart. Noah had misunderstood the whole situation.

That day, he didn’t drive me home neither did I receive a kiss on the front of my porch.

I checked my phone when I got back, there were a lot of missed calls, some from my family members but the rest were from Noah. Probably he had thought I was in trouble and had come looking. That explained why he had showed up at the café. I dialed his number four times and he didn’t pick, neither did he return my calls for the rest of the night, and the next day and the day after that.

A week went by, and another as fast as the last one had happened. Noah wasn’t talking to me. I summoned the courage and went to his house, a temporary residence that he was staying for the meantime. A lady met me outside, she was the caretaker, she sadly revealed that Noah had gone back home to Seattle—leaving me behind in Florida.

My heart fell. He had misunderstood things. He should have let me explain. I had tried to, I called, I texted but he hadn’t read nor replied any of it. Tears began streaming down my cheeks and I broke down right there on his front porch.

The woman came closer and comforted me, lending me her shoulder to cry on for what felt like hours. When my fit was over, I dragged myself home, it was happening all over again.

A month passed and my life was slowly coming back to normal, it was because I was making sure of it. A time came for me to show off my musical skills, I always played in the university but Noah had never witnessed me play. I had sent him an invitation prior to the incident the previous month. That night, I had glammed myself up deciding that I would look my very best. I had invited my family and I knew they would be seated waiting to watch their daughter and sister perform.

I smiled looking into the mirror, the girl I once was, didn’t exist anymore. This was a new version of me.

I stepped onto the platform, the spotlight shone on me and every other person was obscured to my vision. It was all dark. I sat down with the rest of my band members and we played, with me playing the violin. I put my heart into the song, remembering everything that I had been through both the good and bad ones. I remembered John and the day we met, the shores of the ocean where he had pledged his love to me several times and the day at the car when he had torn it all apart, with a phone call.

And soon I was reminiscing those moments like I was there again, my first day in college, the day I met Noah in class and the first time we actually spoke, the times he had asked me out on dates and I had refused, telling him I wasn't ready to explore our friendship. I remembered it all right until the moment I cried on his front porch and then the music stopped. I smirked, there were no tears left to cry.

I received warm and familiar hugs from my family, the compliments were expected and endearing to hear.

“Thank you.” I lost count on how many times I had said it that night.

Then suddenly I felt his presence before I smelt his rich cologne. He still had thesame smile, the one that I had seen so many times in the last few years that we had gotten to know each other.

“You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“You played really lovely tonight.”

“Thank you.” I couldn’t restrain the smile on my lips now.

“By chance, are you free tonight?”

“No.” His countenance fell. I decided to elaborate. “I'm spending the entire evening with my family, the ones who wouldn’t judge nor leave me hanging.”

I had said those words purposely. He needed to know what he did, the mental pain that he had put me through.

“Your sister explained it all to me. I am sorry Tara, I really am.”

“Really? But I spent an entire month trying to explain things to you. To tell you that it was all a misunderstanding.”

“I am sorry, now’s not the time for this.”

“Yes, you are right. Tonight is for celebrating. Goodnight Noah.”

I began walking away but then I stopped. He still hadn’t moved an inch from his spot.

“Do you know what this past month taught me?” I turned around slowly meeting his gaze, he looked remorseful, of course he would. “It taught me to love myself, it showed me that at the end of the day, I have myself. I was happy with John but we broke apart. I was torn and then I met you and believe me, I did love you, maybe at one point—”

“I love you too Tara.” He interrupted.

“I know. But I was happy with you and now I realize that I am still happy even without you. Noah, I am happy and for the first time in a long time, it isn’t tied to anyone. Have a good night, Noah.”

I could feel his eyes on me, they were beckoning me to turn but I refused to. If we were going to patch things up then we needed to know each other more, we needed to trust each other and Noah sucked at that.

As I pulled the door open, I felt it, the compulsion to turn back. It was too strong that I almost gave in—almost but then I remembered the front porch and how I had broken down there. I smirked. I was done being that girl. I pulled the door further ajar and stepped out into the cold night, one that I was familiar with.