First Love, Second Time Around.

I had so many dreams of falling in love with that one man who would treasure me. I guess I am still dreaming. I have had men say they are in love with me, but it always turned out to be a temporary thing. I was always left feeling uncertain. We liked each other in some way or another, but everything seemed to be built around conditioning me.

Conditioning me into being the woman they wanted, and not the woman I am.

My hair was never right, my smile was crooked, or my clothes were wrong, and my personality wasn't up to scratch.

It was the same scene; every time I dated a man, they always found something wrong.

"Will it always be this way?" I asked myself quietly whilst sipping my red wine at the bar.

I remembered that first kiss with Danny. When I think about it, it never felt like a kiss at all, and I never felt an inch of emotion that I could call 'love.' It was cold and careless, yet at the same time, it comforted me. He stayed with me for three days, then he left because I wouldn't do something he wanted to do. He wanted to sleep with me, but I said no.

He didn't want to be with me; I was his toy.

When I think back, every kiss had been the same until I wouldn't do something they asked.

I vowed never to attempt a relationship or kiss a man again.

I was suddenly distracted from my thoughts by a man who was watching me at the bar.

"Uh-oh, here we go!" I muttered to myself, even though I couldn't peel my eyes away from him.

He was handsome in an awkward kind of way. He was about 5"6 inches tall, and he was wearing a checked hoodie and ripped jeans. He had a mini beard.

"I hate those!" I said to myself, rolling my eyes.

I couldn't take any more, so I finished the last of my wine and attempted to leave.

I didn't make it to the door before Mr 'I'm so good-looking' blocked my way.

I looked up and smiled nervously. I could see where this was heading.

Just another guy wanting bed, and a woman he can turn into anything he wants.

"Hi, I'm Daryl.' He introduced himself before I could speak; not a good start!

"Kala," I told him, dryly.

"Do you fancy a drink?" he asked.

"What for? So you can have a play toy? I'm done with that, see ya!" I told him, trying to flashdance to the door before I'm held ransom again.

"Stop!" Daryl pleaded, throwing his hands in the air.

"I just want to talk."

I folded my hands, tightly pursing my lips.

"Talk away. You won't change my mind. I'm done!" I told him.

This man wasn't giving up.

Oh no! This guy was going to chase me to the local police station and throw me into a cell until I said, "Yes."

Never gonna happen; not now, not ever!

I made an excuse to go to the women's toilets. He couldn't follow me in there. Once I had lost him, I ran outside and breathed in the Summer night's air. It felt good to be alone. The bar was crowded with men anyway.

It wasn't that I didn't want a boyfriend, but every time I met a man I liked, they decided I should behave like someone other than myself.

I just wanted to save myself from the pain of being used, because in my opinion, that is what men do best.

They taught me that.

Maybe I'm too black and white in my thoughts. It's not that I hate men, but when you have trusted only to find you're being used, one tends to shut out any feelings or attachments that might turn into love.

Love turns blind when you have been mistreated and conditioned for so long, yet at the same time; one feels a longing to have that empty-space in the heart filled at the same time.

I sit on a bench by a stream and listen to the flow of water trickling. I wonder where it goes.

"Does it feel lonely, like me?" I ask it quietly.

I love streams. The water gurgles and splashes, but you can argue with it, and it won't argue back unless you step in it.

I close my eyes and dream of a sunny beach where I can sunbathe and read all day.

It's a shame I can't read men! I'd know who to avoid and who not to avoid!

Saying that, though, maybe I'm being harsh; some of my female friends have behaved like those men in the past, but this story is about me and not them.

"Hi again!" A male voice calls me.

The voice has me on edge, as it sounds close by. I didn't dare lift my eyes to see who was sitting next to me, though I did get the sudden urge to run.

"No, no, no! Please, sit down; I just want to talk. I'm not going to hurt you," the voice tells me.

The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't put a name to it.

I sighed,

"Okay, talk, but first tell me who you are?" I demanded.

"I'm Daryl. We met in the bar. You disappeared; I was worried about you. I thought that I had done something wrong."

"I had to," I replied quietly, then repeated,

"I had to."

An awkward silence fell between us.

I couldn't explain why I had to run.

Was I afraid of getting hurt? Falling in love? both?

Maybe I was afraid of all three. I was just tired of being used like some doll in a shop window. Fed up with getting even just a tiny bit close, just to have my heart ripped out and my mind broken.

The silence between us was unbearable.

I started fidgeting and playing with my fingers. Daryl seemed nice enough, and it was good of him to check up on me, but my flight response was overbearing.

Daryl was the first to break the silence.

"Do you fancy a quiet drink? Maybe we could talk."

My flight response took over.

"I have to leave," I answered.

"Wait..." Daryl pleaded, but before he could finish, I left.

I walked home alone in tears. I wasn't cold-hearted; I was sure this man just wanted to get to know me, but I wasn't prepared to give him a chance.

I had to protect myself. I couldn't stand the idea of developing feelings for Daryl. That was too risky.

What if I let myself fall in love with him, just to end up used again?

My mind and body couldn't take another blow, and my heart couldn't take being broken again.

I was angry with myself for allowing those men to treat me in the way that they did. I couldn't allow myself to let love in. I was terrified of being broken again.

The temperature had suddenly turned cold, or maybe it was just a mental feeling. My body started shivering, and I felt numb. I decided to head back home and make myself a warm drink.

Coffee tasted better alone, anyway!

Once safely in the comfort of my own home, I decided to get changed into fresh clothes, but I paused after taking my clothes off. I stared at my naked body in the mirror.

The repulsion I felt almost made me sick.

My body suddenly looked at least ten times too big to what I once knew it to be, and every time I stared at it, I felt strange hands crawling all over me. I was unable to stand it anymore. I quickly threw some clothes on and blocked the repulsive image from my mind.

Later, I headed back to the bar.

"Evening, Kala. What can I get you?" the barman asked, not once shifting his eyes from my body.

"Red Wine," I asked quickly, then before he could get another eyeful, I disappeared to a table that was isolated at he back of the bar.

There was a disco tonight, and the DJ was playing all of my favourite songs. The dancefloor was full of women, so I took the chance to head down there and drown out my thoughts to the beat. A woman joined me for a twister song.

"You're a really good dancer," she told me.

"Thanks!" I replied.

We danced all night, and we had a lot of fun together. There were many loud laughs when my shoe was suddenly flung into the air on a high kick.

"My name is Josie," she told me.

"I'm Kala," I replied.

We became so engrossed in conversation that I didn't notice Daryl standing at the bar.

"He's been watching you all night," Josie informed me.

"Oh?" I questioned, not wanting to say another word.

"I think he likes you," she informed me.

The comment made my skin crawl, even though I couldn't help catching his eye. I truly did not want to start anything.

However, I did like him.

"Do you want another drink?" Josie asked.

"Sure!" I replied, trying hard not to draw more attention from Daryl.

The disco was coming to an end, and Josie had left a couple of minutes earlier so she could get back to her kids.

I love kids, but the thought of having them myself scared me. Kids meant tying myself down and bonding with another man, leaving a door open for him to use me like a toy all over again.

I'm not going there!

I had to walk home alone, and it was getting late. I wasn't comfortable with it, but I didn't want to ask anyone to walk with me, in case a man offered to take me home. I decided to call a cab, but the service was busy tonight. I decided to stay close to the bar, if anything happened, at least I could bang on the door and ask for help.

I found a bench outside, and I sat on it. Two hours later, I was still waiting for a cab, and my nerves were crawling all over me like leeches.

"Hi Kala. I know you don't want to talk, but you have been waiting here for a while. Are you okay?"

Daryl!

Why does he keep approaching me?

I couldn't hold my feelings back any longer, and I burst into tears.

"Just leave me the hell alone!" I snapped.

"I'm not a toy!" I told him.

"Hey! It's ok. I know you're not a toy. I just want to make sure that you are safe," Daryl explained.

"Safe?" I questioned angrily.

"What do you mean, safe? I'm never safe, not with a man, and not with a woman. Men use me like toys. I get close, and they burn me badly," I finished.

"That isn't my intention, Kala," Daryl told me.

"I just want to get to know you. You are beautiful, and you are bubbly. I like you," Daryl explained.

Daryl was choked with tears. He got the impression that something bad had happened to me, and he started blaming himself for his intrusion. I felt a lump in my throat. I wanted to cry again. Men are never nice to me in this way; they usually try to get with me, then change me.

They never try to get to know me. They try to get in bed with me. They use me for sex, then throw me away like a used doll when I won't change myself for them.

"Is that your bedtime chat-up line? because if it is, I don't want it," I replied with tears in my eyes.

"Why don't we go for a walk, and you can see for yourself," Daryl suggested.

I wasn't sure.

My head was telling me to give him a chance, but my heart was afraid of getting hurt again.

I didn't know what to do.

I took some time to think about it, then I suddenly became fed up with sitting alone. Nervously, I took the risk. After all, this man had done one thing that men never did in my world.

He showed concern.

I wanted to walk with Daryl, but my conscience was telling me to stop. I had thoughts about getting hurt again, even though this man's intentions seemed to be legitimate. I felt sick, and I started shaking with panic.

Daryl noticed.

"It's okay, Kala. I'm not going to force you to do something that you don't want to do," he reassured me.

I remained silent.

I couldn't tell Daryl my whole story. Telling men my whole story landed me in yet another situation of being conditioned.

After five minutes of not talking, I asked him,

"Do I look fat in this dress?"

The words seemed to fly out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"No! You look beautiful," Daryl answered.

"Should I change my hair?" I asked.

"Kala. You don't need to change yourself for anyone. You are perfect as you are. Just be yourself," Darly answered.

This was the problem. I didn't know how to be myself anymore. I'd become used to being criticised for everything about me.

I sit there anymore. I was cold and tired. I wanted to go home, but there was no transport running, and I couldn't afford a taxi.

Daryl offered me his jacket, even though he only had a thin shirt underneath it. I didn't want to take it, though I backed down in the end because I was cold.

Daryl's heart was full of emotion. He just wanted to show this beautiful woman some love. He felt bad for her, and he could see she had been hurt. He questioned whether he should just leave, but he didn't want to leave her by herself. He wanted to make sure she got home safe. He decided to stay with her all night if he had to.

"I want to go home," I complained.

"My car is just around the corner. I can take you home if you want me to," Daryl told me.

I pondered this for a little while.

We had been sitting here since the bar closed, and it was almost daylight. It was nice of this man to have stayed with me, even though I wasn't very nice about it.

My heart was painfully fracturing like an earthquake, and my mind was in agony, though I took a risk and accepted the lift.

It was the first time in a long time since I had been in a car with a man, and all my red flags were out. Daryl had a way of comforting me, reassuring me that I was safe from the moment I entered his car to the moment I got home safely.

I found out that he was a huge fan of music, and we laughed and argued over which songs we were going to play.

"No, Daryl. It's my turn to choose," I pleaded.

"You can play pop after my last metal song!" he told me.

We raced to the CD player, laughing and joking as we playfully fought over music.

I had never had so much fun. We cracked jokes, made up silly lyrics and poems, and insulted each other with silly comments.

No man had ever made me feel more comfortable with being myself in my life.

When we finally reached my door, I didn't rush in like I usually do. I stood on the porch with Daryl, talking for over an hour.

Then it happened.

Daryl reached for my chin and kissed me for almost twenty minutes.

My first instinct was to pull away, but I let his soft lips touch mine while his arms held me gently. I was nervous, but this kiss was different.

It was meaningful, passionate and intense. It was caring and not forced.

It was like I had been kissed for the first time, even though I had been kissed before.

This kiss was different. I felt loved, appreciated, wanted and unchanged.

It felt like I had fallen in love for the first time, only I wanted it to happen.

We smiled at each other, locked in each other's arms and eyes; unable to let go.

If this night could last forever, we'd never let each other go. We said our goodbyes after two hours of standing on that doorstep chatting like we had known each other forever, even though neither of us wanted to leave.

"Can I pick you up tomorrow, and go for that coffee with you?" Daryl asked.

I didn't hesitate.

"Yes!" I replied, laughing.

When we finally parted, something changed in me.

I felt happier and content.

I believe that I am in love. I thought I was in love before, but that wasn't love; it was abuse.

I sat down on my bed and burst into tears when I suddenly realised this wasn't my past, it was my future.

I had feelings that I could not explain. This had never happened before with anyone I had dated or been involved with in the past.

It was time to be happy for a change, and Daryl felt the same way.

This was love, and it had been returned in its truest form. I had fallen in love again, only this was truly the first time because these feelings were mutual on both sides.

I had never been so sure, and for the first time.

I was genuinely looking forward to seeing him tomorrow.