Fake Zeus

Transcript of broadcast interview between Europa, princess of Tyre and Xenophon, reporter. 3rd Day of Hekatombaiōn Waning, Olympiad 117.3

“Could you just repeat that, please, I’m sure our viewers will be both astounded and appalled by your claim.”

“It’s not a ‘claim’. It actually happened. To me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to seem dismissive, I just think its worth you clearly stating what happened between you and the so-called ‘God of Thunder.’”

“So, like I said, he transformed himself into a bull…”

“A bull?”

“Yes, a bull. Big horns, four hoofs, the works, you know?”

“I’m sure we all know what a bull is – but do – go on..”

“Like I said, he transformed into a bull, mixed himself in with dad’s herd”

“And your father is Agenor, the Phoenician King of Tyre, is he not?”

“Yeah, that’s right, but if you could just let me finish my story.”

“I’m sorry. Please, do carry on. We’re here with Europa, folks, the Phoenician princess, who claims to have..”

“Like I said, it’s not a ‘claim’.”

“..who is accusing Zeus, the god of justice, seduced her..”

“’Seduced’ is such a pathetic version of what actually happened. He had sex with me without my consent. That’s called 'rape', pure and simple, no manner of weasel words will get round that.”

“Look, I sympathize. He turned himself into a bull and he raped you?”

“You’ve hit the nail on the head. And now I’m expecting triplets. And has he so much as acknowledged his part in all this?”

“I’m guessing the answer is no.”

“Too right it’s no. My husband, Asterion, is trying to say it was all my fault. But honestly, I did nothing whatsoever to encourage him. I didn’t even sacrifice so much as a weasel to him and he still thought he could do whatever he wanted with me.”

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4th Day of Hekatombaiōn Waning, Olympiad 117.3

From HELLENES Magazine

Titívisma Storm Leads to Widespread Rejection of Zeus

Following multiple accusations of abuse by Zeus on Titívisma and other platforms, many organizations and individuals have sought to distance themselves from the “Thunder God”, Zeus. We have an exclusive interview with Hera, both his wife and sister, who seeks to maintain that her husband’s actions were merely those of someone who could not accept his own limitations and responsibilities.

“I’m not going to excuse his actions”, she insisted. “I’ve had some stiff words with him, as you can imagine, but you have to realize that he had a difficult upbringing, what with him killing our own dad. He never had a proper father figure, so it probably comes as no surprise when he makes mistakes with other women.”

Hera’s statement provoked much anger on Titívisma, with many accusing her of attempting to make excuses for her husband/brother, resulting in the trending glyph #HerasAVictimToo”. In the meantime, associations with Zeus’ name have been hastily reassigned. The planet Jupiter, named for one of Zeus’ pseudonyms, has been reassigned the name StandUpForEuropa. Even next year’s Olympic Games, traditionally held in Zeus’ honour every four years, have been postponed, pending an inquiry.

Despite several journalists pouring water and barley on the head of a heifer before sacrificing her on an altar, inspecting her vital organs and burning the corpse, Zeus himself has remained unavailable for comment.

Étsi Pánta Stous Tyrannous (Sic Semper Tyrannis)

There were lively protests at Olympia today, where demonstrators aligned to the #ImWithEuropa movement gathered to protest the treatment of women by Zeus, the God of Thunder.

The famous ivory and gold statue of the deity, described as “One of the Seven Wonders of the World” was destroyed by the mob, and looters were seen carrying off gold and ivory as the framework was burned and the ashes thrown into the River Kladeos.

The sculptor, Phideus, reacted angrily to the scene and attempted to put the blame on “Rogue elements from Rhodes, who want to increase footfall to their own Colossus, by destroying rival wonders.”

He issued a warning for citizens of Babylon, Ephesus and Alexandria to protect their own Wonders from angry mobs spoiling for a fight.

Journalist struck by lightning.

There was shock in Corinth yesterday, when renowned military leader, philosopher, and journalist, Xenophon was struck by a freak bolt of lightning from a cloudless sky. Onlookers rushed to his aid, but he was pronounced dead at the scene. Xenophon, who first broke the story of the rape of Europa by Zeus, is hailed as the father of the “ImWithEuropa” movement.

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5th Day of Hekatombaiōn Waning, Olympiad 117.3