Everytime

Every time I walk past it I get a pain deep in the pit of my stomach. That fucking field of marigolds. Every time I walk past there I see them. First I see them alive, running and playing. I see them laughing as they all fall down in the flowers I see their beautiful faces. I always try to stop the memory there. I always try to close my eyes until I'm past the field. I hope and pray that once I open them again that it will all be over. It never works though. As soon as I see the field the memory starts and it never stops until it's over. Every time ring around the rosie is done and they all fall down they never get back up. Then I see the truck. I can see the driver inside clear as day. I can see the haziness in his eyes. I can smell the liquor on his breath. I can see the headlights heading straight towards them. Every time I do the same thing. Every time I step in front of the truck. Every time I try to protect them. Every time I fail. Every time I turn to see the license plate and the break lights that never light up. Every time I watch as the as the truck bounces up and down through the field. Every time I watch as the tail lights slowly fade away. Then the truck is gone. I try as hard as I can to end it there. Sometimes I run down the road hoping the memory would fade away but it doesn't. Every time I hear them screaming. Every time I see their brown skin. Their big lifeless eyes. Every time I see their bodies lying their amongst the marigolds. Every time I see them dead. I don't understand why I torment myself in this way. Sometimes I feel like I could just end it. Every time I see it I think about ending my life. Every time I see it I think that it should've been me. I should be the one lifeless. I should be the one lying amonst the marigolds. I tell myself everyday that I'm going to avoid the field. That I'm not going to walk past there. That I'm not going to look at the marigolds. That I'm not going to see that memory today. Every time I wake up and every time I go to bed that's what I tell myself. Every time I fail. Every time I get the chance I walk past there. Every time I see it the memory comes. I asked if I could move. I thought if I perhaps was living somewhere else I could stop this from happening. That if there was no marigold field then there would be no memory. Every time I was told no. Every time I watch that one marigold flower that I've picked from the field die on the window sill I think it's over. I always tell myself that's it. That's the last one. It's not. Every time I walk past that field I pick a new one. I place it on that window sill and start over. Every time I look in the mirror I see the eyes of the driver. Every time I look out of the window at that big wall and all of those barbed wire gates I snell the alcohol on his breath. Every time I see the bars on my jail cell I realize it's me. I realize that the marigold field in the prison courtyard is my karma. It's my reminder of what I've done. Every time I realize it was me, the memory changes. I don't see the girls playing. I don't see the truck headlights. I don't see the break lights, or the license plate. All I see is a blur of the road. I no longer smell the alcohol on the drivers breath, I taste it in my own mouth. I see the field of marigolds. I see the flowers flying through the air as the truck plows through them. Then I see them again. Their brown skin, their lifeless bodies. Then I see the lights. The red and blue lights. Then I see the faces. The sad faces. The face of the man. The face that seems full of rage. The face that has the fire in the eyes. The face that I know wants me dead. Then the face of the woman. The confused face. The eyes of extreme sadness. The face with the streaks on it from all of the dried up tears. Every time I go to sleep I hope not to wake up. Every time the memory comes I realize that it's not the prison of my body that bothers me. I deserve to be here. It's the prison of my mind that I can't endure. Every time I see that field. Every time I pick that marigold. Every time I watch it die. Every time I start all over again. Every time I walk past that field. Every time the memory comes. Every time I see them dead. I want to die myself. I go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning and I walk past that field. Every time!