Eulogy

“We’re seniors Dylan, graduation is like 2 weeks away, tonight is our last high school party opportunity.”

“You can go; I’m not stopping you.” I said while lying down, scrolling through social media.

“Yeah, but why would I go without you?” Brooke said in a whiny tone.

“Haven’t you always gone to parties without me? Literally almost every party you’ve been to was without me. What’s so different now?”

“Are you serious?” She sat up and crossed her legs, “This is like our last chance to be at a party together, all the other times… there have been other times.”

“Brooke you’re acting like we won’t still be friends or something after we graduate, we’ve been friends almost our whole lives. Nothing’s going to change that.”

“Of course, we’re going to be friends, but we’re hardly going to see each other anymore after this. You’re going all the way to UCLA and I-“

“I’m not staying there forever though. I’m coming back home. You’re going all the way to NYU. Are you staying forever?”

“That’s not the point. I’m just…” She paused.

“Just what?” I asked.

“I’m going to miss you dum-dum. We’ve never been that far away from each other for that long. That’s why I want to have fun with you and the rest of our friends before we leave. I mean who knows, maybe this is the last time we’ll see any of them again.”

“I’m having fun now though, just laying here watching T.V., and who cares about Ross’s stupid party? The guy’s a dickhead.” I said as I stretched.

“Dickhead he might be, but you have to admit he throws good parties.”

“Bunch of horny teens getting drunk and high, acting like idiots? Sounds like a good time… for someone else.” She looked at me, obviously disappointed. I looked back at my phone, I was not going to give in, not this time.

“You’re seriously not going to go?”

“No. Have fun though. I’ll be right here to facetime you when you get back.” She let out a sigh and got off the bed to put her shoes on. “Just promise me though.” I told her as she tied her shoelaces. She looked up at me.

“Promise you what?” She asked.

“That you won't get pressured into doing anything those other people are doing. You’re not like them, keep it that way.”

“I won’t let anyone pressure me into anything, Dad.”

“I’m serious Brooke. Don’t smoke, don’t drink. Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Okay, Okay. I promise. You’re really going to regret not going though, it’s all you’re going to hear about at school until graduation.” She said as she walked out the door.

“I’m sure I will.” I laughed off as I put my phone on the charger.

I heard the door close downstairs and immediately turned the television off. I was considering popping up unexpectedly at the party just to surprise her, but not if I didn’t get at least some sleep in. These parties last from 9 to like 4 AM, and I was not in the position to do that with the way I was feeling. I checked my phone one last time before starting to drift off to sleep. I didn’t know that when I awoke my life would be changed forever.

I don’t know why tonight of all nights I slept for so long. I awoke to my mom calling my phone, I had already missed 4 calls from her apparently. I picked it up, still half asleep. “M-Mom?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“Dylan baby, thank God you’re safe.” My mom cried over the phone.

“Why wouldn’t I be safe?” I asked as I looked at the time, it was 11:37 PM. “You’re still at the hospital?”

“I was on my way out when an ambulance brought a group of people in. There was a wreck on the highway baby.”

“No, I’m home. I’m safe. I didn’t even go out tonight. I-Is anyone badly hurt, d-do I know them?”

I stuttered out. She didn’t say anything, but I could hear her slightly crying over the phone. It was muffled, like she was trying to keep me from hearing it. My heartbeat began to accelerate with each passing second. I knew something bad happened, I could feel my mouth start to water. I asked her again. “Is anyone hurt mom?”

“I’m sorry baby. 3 were involved, 1 one of them died. They did everything they could, but…she was already dead when they got there.”

I felt my chest collapsing in on me, breathing felt impossible. I couldn’t swallow, I couldn’t blink, I couldn’t talk. I tried to let out words, but my lips were frozen.

“It was Brooke.“ My mom couldn’t hold back her tears any longer, “She collided head on with another car. She died on impact. I’m so sorry baby.”

“I-I just saw her. She was… She was here… Sh-“ I couldn’t get any words out; I felt sick to my stomach and ran to the bathroom to vomit. I sat down beside the toilet, I felt like I was trapped inside a nightmare. I just wanted to wake up. God please, let this be a bad dream. I tried to get up, but every time I did, I felt like I was going to faint. I looked back at my phone; my mom was no longer there. She sent me a message saying she was on her way and that everything would be okay. It wouldn’t though. Nothing would ever be okay again.

I struggled for the next few days. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk to anyone, I just stayed trying to sleep my feelings away. I didn’t know how I felt. I was upset that I lost my entire world in an instance, but I was mad as well. I was mad at everyone. I hated myself for not going with her. I was mad at Ross for letting her leave when she was obviously under the influence. I was mad at her. She promised me she wouldn’t do anything stupid. She knew not to drink and drive, but she did it anyway. As I pondered my thoughts, tears in my eyes, there was a knock on my door. “Dylan.” I looked towards my doorway to see Brooke’s mom enter.

“Mrs. Anderson.” I said as I sat up and wiped my eyes, “I-I’m sorry. I should’ve wen-“

“There is nothing you have to be sorry about Sweetie.” She spoke.

“She asked me to go. And I didn’t even have a reason not to, I just didn’t want to. I should’ve gone, I could’ve made sure she didn’t drink, or I could’ve drove her home. I… I messed up. I let you down. I let her down.” I said, speaking as fast as I’ve ever spoken before.

“Her choices were her choices. We both know how stubborn she was. You have been her protector for her whole life. You couldn’t always be there, and neither could I.” I tried to look her in her eyes, but I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t. She put her arms around me. “I know how much she meant to you Dylan. Can I ask you a favor?”

“Yes ma’am. Anything.”

“She wouldn’t want anyone else to speak at her funeral but her best friend. You knew her the best. I’m her mother, but I know when I was 17, I didn’t tell my mom everything.”

I continued looking down. Still having trouble looking her in her eye. I thought about it for a few seconds. “I can’t.”

She let out a slight sigh before continuing to speak. “I know it’s hard, but she would’ve want-“

“She doesn’t get that power anymore Mrs. Anderson” I said, interrupting her. “She threw it away when she got in that car. I can’t speak at her funeral because she shouldn’t be dead. There shouldn’t be a funeral. I’m… I’m pissed. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but I can’t help it. I’m pissed that she died like that. It’s like she didn’t even care about what could happen to her or anyone else on the road that night.”

I let out way more than I wanted to. I burst into tears and fell into Mrs. Anderson’s arms. She held me. She held tighter than I’ve been held before.

“I’m upset too, but her life was more than that one mistake she made at the end of it. Think about all the good times you’ve had over the years. The endless laughs, the trips to the mountains, the dinner dates. Think about what made you guys what you were. I think she deserves that; I think you both deserve that.”

Tears continued to flow down my face as I tried to recollect myself. I sat back up and looked her in her eyes for the first time since the accident. I agreed to do the Eulogy. She gave me one last hug and told me how proud she was of the man I was becoming. She exited the room and I laid back down, thinking of what I would say for my speech. I tried typing it out, I tried writing, but nothing was working. Nothing felt right. I didn’t know what to do, but Mrs. Anderson trusted me with this, and I refused to let her down.

Well, today’s the day and I have an index card of words that I came up with. I sat on the first row of the church, right beside Brooke’s parents. Almost everyone from school was there. All our friends, all her family, everyone was her for Brooke. This is all the people she left an impact on at some point of her life. Before I knew it, my time in the service came, Mrs. Anderson called me up to the podium and I let out a huge deep breath.

“Uh, good evening, everyone.” I said nervously. “If you don’t know me, my name is Dylan, and I was one of Brooke’s close friends.”

The audience stared at me with blank faces, I adjusted my tie and cleared my throat before continuing.

“I was asked to do this part of the service by Mrs. Anderson, in tribute of her.” I said as I glanced over to her, seeing a slight quiver of her lip, but also a reassuring smile. I looked back down at my index cards.

“Brooke was a kind, enthusiastic girl. Everyone here can agree to that?’ I said, looking back at the audience. They all nodded their heads in agreement. I began to say my next written line, but then decided to ditch the index cards.

“Honestly, I had no clue what I would say once I got up here. When Mrs. Anderson asked me to do this, I felt like anyone else would be just as qualified, if not more qualified than me.” I look back down at the podium and my index cards.

“I don’t have some fancy poem, or a long essay written out about Brooke, but I do have years of experiences with her I can share with you all.” I said as I took the microphone off the podium and stood in the middle of the church. “She treated everyone she met like she’s known them forever; she gave them the chance to be who they wanted to be. In her eyes, there were no reputations. She believed in second chances” I said with a smile. “And thirds, and fourths.”

I looked over at the casket next to me, and felt my voice start to quiet down a bit. “She believed in everyone.” I said, once again looking out at the audience. “She told me she had hope that one day she would leave an impact on someone’s life, so that her own wouldn’t seem meaningless. I can’t speak for everyone here, but I can speak for myself. She did leave an impact; she left a legacy here with us.” I said, walking closer to the casket.

“I know that if I never met Brooke, my life would not be the same. It wouldn’t have been as enjoyable as it’s been.” I arrived at the casket. “It would have been more confusing, and I would’ve been more stressed. She kept me in check. You know, a lot of people might have seen me as her protector or keeper, but actually...” I swallowed. “She was mine”. I said as I turned my attention back to the audience, scanning the entire room.

“She showed me what life was all about, what love and friendship could do for you. She showed me that not every bad situation had to stay that way, that there was always light to be found in darkness. She showed me…” My voice began to crack. “How beautiful the life we live is. The trees, the moon, the stars… there’s beauty in everything.”

I touched the casket for the first time, voice continuing to crack. “She was beautiful.” I sniffed, trying to hold myself together. “I don’t know how I’m going to be without her. I don’t know who I can talk to for hours at two o’clock in the morning about the most random things. I don’t know who will sit by my side at night and cheer me on as I play video games. I don’t know who will put up with me being a jerk because I don’t know how to express feelings properly.” I remove my hand from the casket. “I don’t know who my best friend will be”.

I walk back to my original position, right back in the middle of the church. “I do know that our community lost a very beautiful person, we lost a piece of the puzzle that can’t ever be replaced. As sad as that might be, she did leave something here for us… love.” I said as I started to pace back and forth from my spot to the casket. “She cared about every person in this room, no question about that. It’s up to us not to let her down, not to let her legacy die.”

I go to stand in front of Mrs. Anderson, grabbing her hand and looking at the audience from where I stand. “Everyone that can hear my voice right now, always let your loved ones know how much they mean to you. Cherish them, make memories, and don’t hold grudges. Life is too short to taint its beauty with negativity.” I look down at Mrs. Anderson and we exchange tearful smiles. We lean in to hug and I walk back to the casket once more.

“Brooke” Slightly crying, “I love you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I know that I’m much better person because of you and the care you’ve given me since we’ve met.” I touch the casket. “I hope you’re looking down on us with that smile we’ve all come to love. Heaven gained the most perfect angel, wait for me… wait for us all. We’ll meet again.”

I turn around to face the audience, tears falling down my face. I handed the microphone over to an older man holding a bible, we exchange a slight nod and smile. He shook my hand as I passed the microphone, and I go to take a seat on the front row. The rest of the service continued normally, I did it.

At the end of the service, as multiple people were exiting through the main two doors of the sanctuary, light chatter is all I heard around me. I must have zoned out sometime between my speech and now. I refocused and heard footsteps approaching me as I sat one the very first pew, staring at the closed casket. A hand was placed on my shoulder.

“She would be really proud of what you did up there today.” Mrs. Anderson said.

“I could barely come up with anything to say… I mean, what could I say?” I look down at my feet. “I’m still breathing, my heart still beats… I’m still here. She isn’t.”

“No one else could’ve described her and everything she stood for like you did. You did a task that not even me, as her mother, was qualified to do.”

“I know.” I said reluctantly. “This just doesn’t feel right. This isn’t settling well with me. Like I said earlier, there shouldn’t have been a funeral. She should be alive.” She moved a bit closer to me. “We should be at home right now, watching movies we’ve seen a thousand times. Telling stupid jokes that no one else understands. We should be having fun. I-“ I look back up at the casket. “We… shouldn’t be here.”

“Every day for the past week, I’ve cried myself to sleep. There hasn’t been one night where I haven’t had nightmares about her.” She looked at the casket, but never took her arm from around me. “I know it’s hard. I’ve lost both of my parents, I’ve divorced, I’ve been through hell and back many times.” Her voice breaks. “But nothing I’ve been through or will ever go through is comparable to this.”

I could feel my face change as I start to realize. “I’m sorry. This is just new to me. I didn’t even think about how you would feel right now. I was just rambling on and on about how I felt, but what I feel isn’t even a fraction of-”

“Hey, you can’t compare how you feel to anyone else. You are your own person with your own experience. Someone else’s pain doesn’t and shouldn’t negate yours. That’s not fair to you and your emotions.” She said, interrupting me.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry though.” I said, remorsefully.

“Never apologize for caring about someone, no matter the circumstances.”

I finally gather the courage to look her in her eyes. “A-Are you okay?’ I stutter out.

Mrs. Anderson looks at the casket for a brief second before looking back at me, anxiously waiting for her response. “No, but that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.”

“Oh…” I say, closing my eyes and lightly shaking my head. “Will it ever be okay?”

She looks over to me, and then back at the casket. “Well... it’ll get easier. Day by day you’ll hurt a little less. You’ll drain out all the bad thoughts and negative emotions. You’ll start to get back to where you were.”

“But it’ll never really be okay.” I asked.

“I wouldn’t say that, but I will say things we never feel like they used to. Maybe that’s okay, maybe it’s not. That’s a decision you must make. We all react to and handle situations differently.”

I let out a sigh and start to stand, Mrs. Anderson grabs her purse and does the same. We just kind of look at each other for a moment before giving one last hug, fully embracing each other. “I’m just going to say my final goodbyes, my real goodbyes. I think she deserves a bit more from me than what I said earlier.”

“Take your time, I have to thank Pastor Burton for letting me use the church for the service today.”

As Mrs. Anderson slowly makes her way towards the main entrance, I make my way towards the casket. My mouth once again feels dry, my lip starts the quiver, I feel it. My hand shakes as I reach out to touch the casket.

“I did it Brooke. I got through today without breaking down. I got to tell everyone how amazing you were. It’s kind of funny, we always talked about what kind of music you would pick for my funeral... what theme. Not once did we discuss yours; not once did I ever consider you would go first.” I said as I lazily pick at the flowers on top of the casket.

“I don’t know how to say this correctly, but maybe it’s better that you went first. I wouldn’t want you to ever feel how I feel right now. In case you’re wondering, it feels... empty. I feel empty. I don’t know if it’s sadder that I feel this way, or if it’s the fact that I’ll always feel like this without you here.” A tear rolls down my cheek.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this Brooke. I-I need you. I need to hear you; I need to see you... I need to hold you. I need to hold you and tell you how much you mean to me and how I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I pause. “But I guess life doesn’t work that way, huh?”

I look to the back of the church and notice Mrs. Anderson smiling as she hugs a couple near the open doors. I turn back to the casket, placing my hand on it one more time.

“I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how I’m going to feel tomorrow, or the day after that. I’m not even sure how I should feel, but I think I’m okay with that for now.” I straighten out the flowers I messed up earlier. “I’m okay with not being okay. I have no doubt about where you are right now, and I hope you’re happy up there. Wait for me… I love you.”