Ethereal Beauty

I tossed and turned as the clock’s glowing display somehow penetrated my closed eyelids, never letting me forget that time was the opponent in my attempt to sleep. I had gone upstate in an attempt to escape the everyday madness that was my everyday world; a reprieve from what I called my life. The nonstop voices, a constant disturbance of my sanity from vibrations and chimes that alerted me to conversations that came in flurries of unimportant attempts at humor and reactions built on one another, pulled at me, and stretched me from within, tight with unease. All of this and more had brought me to the bungalow, far from the bustle of my usual surroundings.

Here amongst a dozen similar structures, spread out amongst trees and foliage, I lied in bed, very much awake, in a small room within a sloping roof, somehow still unable to disconnect from the world I thought I had left. I questioned myself. Why should time or the impending light of dawn mean anything to me here? I had come here to leave all that behind, at least temporarily. And yet, the glow of the clock’s digital display compelled me to check its face periodically. I swore the clock was ticking. Perhaps I was expecting too much, too soon, as if this place, like magic, could turn off years of programming that had seeped into my every pore, absorbed by my every sense.

It had been less than a day, and this, my first night, I stared at a window painted in darkness. I felt trapped, suffocated, as the darkness spread and wrapped around me, engulfed me in claustrophobic feelings of impending doom. I was never afraid of the dark as a child. It was only in more recent years that the darkness like so many other aspects of my life, left me feeling confined. Maybe it’s the recognition that life itself is not forever, that what once seemed analogous to a story that's not real, had come to prove itself true over and over as I had gotten older. The loss of a loved one can make one’s existence feel so much smaller. That was really why I had come to this place, to escape the constant reminder of what was lost and what could never again be.

I was beyond restless and anxious, I felt an almost hysteria taking hold of me, as I looked back repeatedly at the clock, trying to gauge how long until the dark restraints of the night would break, finding no comfort in the math, as time had suddenly decided to take the opposite approach with me and stall. I had no idea what to do, how to fix this, how to get rid of the undefined fear that tormented and tortured me from within. Looking away from the clock, I turned my attention back at the window, hoping to see something different, to see anything at all. Staring at that void, my hands clenched, while fingernails dug deep with pain into my palms, trying to distract me from the distress of the stifling nothingness, hoping for remission.

Continuing my scrutinizing of the blackness, I saw a sudden disturbance as my eyes quickly fixated on the top corner of the window, a single pane, focusing on the slow emergence of a slither of light. Outside, the clouds had thinned and begun to scatter, and moonlight quickly flooded all four windowpanes, perfectly refracting onto the bed in four equal parts, crawling towards my exposed face, while the rest of my body remained hidden behind a thick blanket. I was still anxious, but my attention had diverted from the darkness. As the light continued to bathe the bed, my face became fully painted in its glow, calming, and confusing me, as my mind raced with thoughts scattered.

I once more glanced at the clock, finding that time had again begun to move. My hands still clenched beneath the blanket, waited for a signal to open. Turning back towards the window, I saw that a full moon had taken residence in my view. It was both luminous and overwhelming, and I stared, unsure of its intentions. Under its hypnotic watch, I closed my eyes and saw its light as it permeated my eyelids, washing away numerous and varied thoughts and memories until my mind settled on but one, her.

She was radiance, and all those around her felt her warmth, especially me. She understood me, appreciated me, encouraged me, and gave me hope. She was the light that showed through on the darkest of days, and she, as she had always done, in that instance, with only her in my thoughts, swept away the darkness and all the ill feelings. My hands, at that moment, still beneath the blanket, unclenched as the moon’s light continued to immerse me in its glow.

Feeling at ease, my eyes slowly opened, squinting in adjustment to an extreme brightness, trying to see through the light and beyond. Staring intently, my eyes widened as a shimmer emerged within the light, with ripples that danced in the brilliance. Growing in intensity, a form began to materialize, coming more into view with each passing moment, until finally, an angelic glow revealed a face, her face with all her ethereal beauty. She looked at me with a serenity that passed down to me, carried through beams of light. I felt a peace I had not known for a long while. And though I felt no need to call out to her, I tried looking at her for as long as I could, not wanting to lose her again but grew tired as the calm she brought, and the happiness at that moment allowed me the sleep that I had desperately needed.

When I awoke, the first light of the new day was just barely revealing itself. I had not slept long, a glance at the clock had proven this, but it felt as though I had slept for a week, and I was happy. Getting out of bed, I walked towards the window, looking out at the green trees and fields. At the window, I peered downward at the shingled roof and noticed a somewhat small figure moving towards the roof’s edge. When it stopped, it looked back at me, as if its head were on a swivel, revealing a white heart-shaped face barn owl, with intense, but tranquil eyes. Acknowledging my presence, its head turned back towards the roof's edge and flew off quickly towards a grove of trees, and disappeared before the sun broke over the crests of the distant hills.