Ethan

My brother killed himself about nine years ago, when I was 17. he committed suicde, he had lost his mind two years before that event, he was only fourteen when he jumped into the rocky waters under the bridge we would play on. I didn't understand why he jumped or what caused him to, how could someone be so desperate to kill themselves in the blink of an eye without a second thought, I thought he was happy I thought he enjoyed his life, it’s all people talked about of how happy my brother, ethan was, he was baseball player, he loved art and maths, he liked to read and go out with his buddies, he was a good looking boy too, he could have any girl he wanted, what was making him so upset? He had everything. I wish I knew why he was so sad. The funeral was beautiful, he was laid in a white coffin, he had his baseball jersey and baseball cap laid on top of his coffin, his favourite song was played at the lunch, the funeral was very quiet, nobody really knew what to say, a lot of people said sorry to my parents but that didn’t help the pain they were in, Ethan really had no idea how much he meant to people the room was filled of people and they all cared about him, it’s a shame that he didn’t get to see his own funeral.

Our dad was a mess after he passed, he couldn’t accept that his youngest could hurt himself so much, he boarded up Ethan’s room, no one was allowed in it. His stuff was kept in that room and it stayed that way, my dad started to have anger issues and flashbacks of my brother, the flashbacks were later diagnosed as PTSD, we figured it was. Which is what drove my father to go live in Italy for a year. He was hurting my mother and needed to process the loss of my brother.

I can’t imagine what happened when my brother jumped. Did he look if anyone was looking? Did people see and decide to mind their own business? Did he just decide to jump or did he say something, for one last time, and if he did what did he say what were his last words? I guess we’ll never know because he’s gone. Our town hasn’t been the same with him gone, his baseball team is losing every game because their batter and shortstop is gone. There’s no laughter in the cafes on the corners and the pizza parlour is now closing. I wish I knew more but I don't know what all I know is that he was very, very sick and no one could help or say anything for him to get better. My mom just lost her mind after he passed, she started to drink and do drugs very heavily, she relapsed a lot. She would go to rehab, get better, live on her own, relapse and go back to rehab, it was an endless cycle of it and it still is going, I don’t know how she still is doing it, I would have given up by now but she’s still fighting. Ethan left his friends in broken pieces, they don;t know what to do with their jokester gone and frankly I don’t blame them, what are you supposed to do when someone you see everyday just disappears like that, I would be lost, I wouldn’t know what to do, what are you supposed to do? It’s not normal for someone so young, so special to you, so good to you just vanish into thin air, ethan didn’t die he evaporated, he left without a trace except with some blood in the river that everyone visited. I wish I could have saved him, stopped him given him a hug and fix everything in his life that was broken but nothing as broken in his life, nothing as broken in his body, his body was sick, his mind was slowly killing him, he was losing all his joy and this is the way out, the only way out, or so he thought, because it was the only one he tried. I wish for so much, I wish to turn back the clocks, so many clocks to relive memories, to change the past, and rewrite the future but no one can do that, not even the dead, no even the angels that watch us down on earth.

I wish I had the answers, I wish I had the key to the world and a key to every reason why things happen but I don't, no matter how much I want, hope, wish, pray, ask. I will never have one. I guess I know how he felt when he heard what happened two years before his accident, he was shattered when my parents broke the news to him. he snuck out of our house and took his bat to a gas station window, he just wanted to get his anger out, he was mad, he was upset, he was sad and confused, he didn;t know to do, he didn't know what had happened and he didn't know why it happened, he had to accept it and he had to know that it was his realtily now and that just wasn't going to be easy for him so he left, he went home, because I did. I killed myself. On that same bridge, I jumped and killed myself the same way he did because my brain couldn’t tell me that i meant something to someone, and it could not love me, I was worthless to everyone including myself and I left without thinking, I left not thinking about my mom, my dad my friends, and not about ethan and then he decided to leave too. Leave everyone and everything he knew, loved and cared about because he was so desperate to see me again, I’ll never know how much it cost for him to love me that much. But one day I maybe will or I won’t, it was nice to feel wanted up here in heaven, nice to know that there is still good in the world, nice to see my dead relatives. And Ethan, but I know I will never get married or have kids or get my dream job, or die happy, i just won;t do that because I went early, I went too soon, it was not my time, but I went anyways, because I wanted to, but people have forgiven me, Ethan yelled. “Riley!” When he saw his big sister waiting for him, and I was happy he was happy to see me, once again like always.

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