The Open Mic

"You've got an open mic."

"Hey! Someone has an open mic. Are you trying to butt-call the whole facility? We don't need to hear you."

"Central to all units, check for an open mic. Repeat, check your radios for an open--"

"Unh. Unh. Ooh, yeah. Just like that. Oh, f*ck, yeah. Damn, you're good. Keep doing that. Ooh, baby, unhhhh... don't stop!"

"Central, this is Captain Howard. Shut off that nonsense!"

"Central to Captain Howard, how?"

"Unnhhhhhhhhh...oohh, baby, you sluuuuutttt. My little man wh*re..."

"All Units, this is Captain Howard. Switch to channel 3 immediately! Channel 3 immediately, all units!"

"Captain Howard to Central, do you copy on Channel 3?"

"Central to Captain Howard, we copy. What's your twenty?"

"My office. I'll call you."

"Hello, this is Central. Oh, hi, Captain. What do we do now?"

"Do you recognize the voice on the radio?"

"No, sir. And I have no visual from any camera."

"Was that a man or a woman making those noises?"

"Captain?"

"Is your hearing faulty, Central?"

"No, sir, but you heard what they called the other person, sir. A 'man wh*re,' sir?"

"I'm fully aware of that, Central. My question remains. Was the open mic a male or female officer?"

"Sir, I, uh, I'm not sure. The voice was...it was kind of high-pitched at times. Sir."

"Call for a lockdown, Central. I want all officers to report to the visit room."

"Yessir. Central to all units, lock down. All units lock down, and all officers report to the visit room."

"Officer Standish to Captain Howard. Do you copy?"

"Howard here, go ahead."

"I need to see you about something."

"Come to my office. Make it quick."

"I'll be there in a moment, Captain."

"That was quick, Standish. What do you need?"

"Did you find the problem mic yet, Cap?"

"I think I've figured out the situation, Standish. A review of all the officers should sort it out. Is there something I need to know?"

"Well, uh. I, uh..uh, think I know who might have been involved, sir."

"You do? Are you going to spill the beans, or what?"

"Uh, sir, I'm not sure what I should do. You see, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, sir."

"It's a little late for that, Standish. Someone was heard on an open mic all over this facility, getting overly familiar with someone else, presumably a man. And whoever it was is looking at a likely job loss and possible criminal prosecution, depending on who was involved."

"Sir? What if it wasn't what it sounded like?"

"Wasn't what it sounded like? How could it have been anything other than what it sounded like, Standish? And how do you know what's going on? Are you involved? You know what? I need to get to the visit room. You wait outside my office. I'll be back to talk with you more. If anyone questions why you're here, you tell them I've ordered you to stay here. One more thing. Before I go, switch your radio back to Channel 4."

"Yes, sir."

"Howard to Central."

"Central here, go ahead."

"Have the officers gathered in the visit room?"

"All except Standish."

"Standish is waiting outside my office. I'll be in the visit room in a few moments."

"Copy that. Sgt. Anderson, you copy that?"

"Yes, Central. I copied that. Captain, we're ready for you in the visit room."

"All right, everybody, I'm glad you're here. We need to discuss the radio incident that happened about thirty minutes ago. Before I begin, I'm going to give you each a slip of paper. If you know something about what happened, you put your name on the paper, and we can talk separately. Otherwise, I will call on each of you in front of everyone else. You have two minutes to decide. This includes you, Sergeant."

"Okay, time's up. I'm going to walk by and collect all the slips. When I'm done, I'll look through them. If anyone has listed a name, then I'll dismiss you. If no names are listed, then I'll keep all of you and begin questioning you as a group. What happened on the open mic was disgraceful and disgusting. Your only hope is to cooperate. If you were involved in any way, you face progressive discipline up to and possibly including termination of your job, but depending on who else was involved, you may face criminal prosecution. You have until I collect your slip to make any last-moment changes. I see some of you are taking advantage of this. Good."

"Captain?"

"Yes, Sergeant?"

"Why isn't Officer Standish in here doing this?"

"Officer Standish came forward already, and I was in the middle of questioning him when I had to come down here. He is waiting for me to return and complete my interview with him. Now, let's have your slips, everybody. I see some names, so when all the slips are in, you'll be free to return to your normal routines."

"Captain?"

"Yes, Sergeant?"

"I'd like to speak with you, after all the others are gone."

"Okay, Anderson."

"While they leave, sir, please look at the names they wrote down. I think you'll be surprised by what they wrote."

"Really? Oh, of course. You were here with them while you were waiting for me. Must have been an interesting discussion. Care to enlighten me?"

"It's what I intend to do, Captain, after you read the names they wrote."

"All right. Let's see. Interesting. 'Standish. Standish. Standish. Standish.' What the hell is this, Anderson?"

"Keep looking, sir."

"'Standish. Howard. Ha ha. Very funny. Standish. Howard. Howard.' What the f*ck is this, Sergeant? Do you think this is funny?"

"No, sir, not exactly."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Captain Howard, sir, when you announced the lockdown, how long did it take Officer Standish to reach your office?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I noticed he wanted to see you right away, Captain. How long did it take him to get there?"

"Less than a minute."

"Uh-huh. Why was he so close?"

"Why the hell should I know? Say, what are you implying?"

"Isn't it true that you keep spare radios in your office?"

"Of course, I do. What's your point, Anderson?"

"I bet it would be easy to accidentally trigger the mic on one of them in the heat of some activity or other. Sir."

"Now, wait just a friggin' minute, mister. Are you saying that I was the voice on the radio, and that...that...Standish..was the friggin' 'man wh*re'?? Where do you frickin' get off accusing that, you little prick?"

"You said it, not me, Captain."

"Riiight, but you suggested it, Sgt. Ashhole."

"Well, if that's not what was going on, then what did Standish have to say for himself?"

"Why should I tell you? You're insubordinate trash on his way to the curb after what you just pulled."

"I've got a big mouth, Howard, and more people like me than like you. You may not be the Moaner, but perception is nine-tenths of reality. You know that."

"Fine, Sgt. Ashhole. Standish simply asked, 'What if it wasn't what it sounded like?' That's as far as I got when I had to leave and come down here."

"Wasn't what it sounded like? Ha ha ha ha ha! That's hilarious. We all heard it. Dayum. One guy gettin' drained or plugged by another. Or whatever it was. Two employees or one and an inmate. Either way, fireable and prison time, man. Ha ha ha ha ha. Not what it sounded like. What a hoot."

"Yeah, well, I'm going to go find out what the hell he was talking about. Keep this under wraps, Sergeant, or you'll regret it, popularity or no popularity."

"Howard to Central, do you copy?"

"Go for Central, Captain."

"I need a little more time with my inquiries. When I'm done, we'll switch radios back, but for now, I'll be on Channel 4. Everyone else stays on 3. When I reach my office, I'll have a spare radio on 3. Copy?"

"Copy that, Captain. All units, keep radios on Channel 3 until further notice. Captain Howard will be on 4 for a few minutes, but all others stay on 3."

"Howard to Standish, do you copy?"

"Standish here."

"I'm returning. Are you ready to continue?"

"Yes, sir. I can't wait."

"Good. We have unfinished business to attend to."

"Captain, are we meeting out here or in your office?"

"In my office, Standish. I don't want us to be interrupted. Come in, and shut the door behind you."

"Yes, sir."

"All right. First, please check the radio in the chair and make sure the mic isn't pushed. We don't need everyone to hear our business. And is it on Channel 3 or 4?"

"It's on 3, sir."

"Good. I told the rest of the facility I'd keep a spare on their channel while you and I finish up in here, and I'd be on 4. Naturally, I didn't tell them you were on 4, too. I just didn't want anyone knowing that you and I were communicating."

"Oh? Why not, sir?"

"Because of the rumors flying around the facility, Standish. I gave the officers the chance to write down who they thought was involved with the open mic issue, and the results were, well, disturbing, to say the least."

"Really? Who did they suspect?"

"You."

"Me? But that's crazy! What? How in the world? Wait, wait, wait. They suspected someone else, too, didn't they? Oh, my god. Who?"

"Me."

"What. the. f*ck?? You and me?? That's just sick! How did they even..? Oh.my.gosh. Why?"

"It was suggested that you were in my office, that we were getting hot 'n' heavy, and that we accidentally triggered a spare radio. And since it took you less than a minute to reach my office when I called for the lockdown, it was insinuated that you were conveniently close because I'd been railing you, or you'd been draining me, or some other vile behavior."

"Our coworkers are sick f*cks. Sir."

"I can't disagree. However, I've set straight the officer who made the open accusation, and his job is hanging by a thread. Now, you suggested you knew who was involved, Standish. Now's the time to say."

"I asked you if you would believe that it wasn't what you thought it was, Captain. Are you willing to consider that?"

"Standish, what are you driving at? This afternoon is getting on my nerves."

"Sir, I, uh, I think I know what it was, and it definitely wasn't what it sounded like it was."

"Officer Standish, you'd better start speaking plainly before I toss your ass to the curb."

"Yessir. I'm sorry, sir. What I mean is this: What everyone heard was, erm, a recording--"

"A recording? What the--"

"A recording being made of a novel that I wrote, Sir."

"What the everlasting frick are you talking about, Standish?"

"Sir. Captain Howard, sir, I wrote a novel, and I've wanted to make an audiobook of it, but I haven't had time to work or a place to work on it. So, I created a sound studio on the back of my pickup truck, and during my breaks, I go outside and record parts of the book. Unfortunately, I had my headphones on and didn't realize I'd hit my radio mic while replaying one of the chapters today. By the time I knew what was happening, one of my friends had opened the door to my truck studio and hauled me out to stop me. That's how I happened to be so close to your office when you called for the lockdown."

"Seriously? Why couldn't we recognize your voice?"

"I change it for the characters."

"Okay, I guess I can accept that. But Standish, is that a story of male-female, you know..?"

"You'll have to read it for yourself, Captain. Anyway, I'm very sorry for what happened. I understand that I may be fired for this. It was extremely unprofessional."

"Yes, it was, but I'm not the one who makes that decision, Standish. I'm relieved it wasn't live action involving staff and inmates or staff and staff, but the warden will have more to say, I'm sure. Just a moment, please. Hand me the radio that's tuned to channel 3. Thanks. Howard to Central?"

"Go for Central."

"This incident is cleared. Return to channel 4. Resume normal operations."

"Warden Smith to Captain Howard?"

"Go for Howard."

"Come to my office immediately, please."

"On my way."

"Standish, clear out your personal gear, leave your badge and keys, and go home. We'll call you."

"Warden, Officer Standish was behind the incident today. I've sent him home and told him we'll call him."

"Good. What happened?"

"He was recording his novel in his studio--the one he built on his truck--and accidentally opened his radio mic. There were no staff or inmates involved in inappropriate contact."

"His novel? My goodness. It must be a compelling read. Ha ha ha. Well, he'll have plenty of time to finish recording it. Suspension with pay for six months, for now. It may become more, or he may be terminated, but we'll start with that. Oh, and Captain? If he needs a new title, suggest he call it, 'The Open Mic.'"