Eros, PhD

Humans changed. They no longer prayed. The Parthenon was reduced to a shell.

Zeus cycled through a thousand unsuccessful ploys to restore the trust between gods and men.

The ruler of the gods gave orders to revamp the old monuments to be more “modern” to hopefully take back the followers they once had. But alas, the humans only saw new and took a chance to do what they always do: cause chaos. After the vandals, louts, and ne’er-do-wells were taken care of, Zeus declared there would be no more use of the places where they were once revered and adulated.

The 20th century was when gods and goddesses nearly faded out of all thought and memory. The world was at war. They were sure the humans would destroy themselves, though Apollo assured them all the darkness was only temporary.

Sure enough, the turn of the century brought about the humans’ hunger for a peace that would last and answers for what the future would hold. They craved someone, anyone to tell them what to do. Though Zeus had sworn he would never allow man to have another chance to desecrate Athens, a rocky arrangement was made. Where the holy ground once stood, there was now an anomalously tall skyscraper.

Gods and Goddesses Galore. “Can’t make sense out of nonsense? We’ll catch the omens before they catch you! Call or download our app today!”

Eros thought the prayers of unlucky lovers were bad before. Open access to the God of Love brought an onslaught of absurdly petty squabbles. Once the humans heard the word “free,” Eros knew he would never know peace. That plus an easy to download app meant Eros’ schedule would be packed to The End.

Arguably the god that boasted the greatest demand, Eros had the envy of everyone: the largest room. Lovers’ quarrels could get out of hand. Why not make them comfortable?

But regardless of the large cushy sofas and the overall peaceful aura of the space, the tempers of Eros’ patrons would nevertheless flare up.

Eyes shut, he prayed to Pax for peace on a Tuesday afternoon.

“…and then he choked out of nowhere-”

“Only because you whacked me!”

“Close your mouth when you chew, and maybe-”

“Okay!” The outburst shocked everyone. The man and woman both stopped and stared. “Excuse me.” Eros awkwardly laughed. “Can you calmly tell me what happened?”

Andrew gestured to Jess.

“We were at the park for lunch. The chomps and smacks were just too much, and he was already on my last nerve-”

Andrew cut her off. “She smacked me on the back and made me choke, and then she wouldn’t even help!”

“Everyone stared,” Jess groaned, hands on her face.

“Love that that’s what you were so concerned about, and not me. You know, your husband?”

Before they could start at each other once more, Eros cut them off. “Thank you for that story. Thankfully, there’s a remedy: a powder. You put a spoonful on your food, and then the Mrs. won’t be able to hear you. Don’t worry, there’s no taste.” Eros scrawled a note: double-rush order.

Though he was clearly confused, Andrew mumbled, “Um, okay. Thanks, doc.”

“Not a doctor,” Eros mumbled back as he made a few more notes.

Andrew chuckled to cover the momentary hush of the room. “You sure you can’t just use your bow and arrow? You know, make us all happy and lovey dovey forever?”

Eros recaps the pen and shuts the notebook. “Ah, good to know you humans haven’t changed. That’s a common myth. There are no bows or arrows here. Here’s a sample of the powder you can use for now.” The god went to wave a hand to reveal the powder when he remembered Zeus wanted to reduce the use of charms and enchantments to “be more modern.” Rather than do what he was used to, Eros pulled a small pouch out of the top desk drawer. The label read, “Mute Powder.” “Remember, just a small spoonful.”

Jess grabbed the pouch, eyes narrowed as she surveyed the supposed cure.

Eros stood and opened the door for the couple. “You may check out at the front desk before you leave. You can choose to get a phone call or a message on the app to let you know when you can come back to get the full dose.”

Jess and Andrew shuffled out. “Well, thank you so much. Pleasure to meet you…?” Andrew paused.

Eros waved a hand. “Just Eros.”

They left, and Eros dropped the “fake face” as he walked down the hallway to the small breakroom area. He stopped by the coffee pot to grab another cup.

“Someone looks worn out.” Hera leaned an arm on the counter.

Eros plastered the fake face back on. “Always am.”

A pat on the back, and Eros fought not to groan. She was too buddy-buddy. “Take a break. A retreat. Or just empty your calendar for the rest of the year and go AWOL.” Hera laughed. “Really though, forget about all those wannabe lovers. Go see Olympus. We all know you haven’t been there for an age.” As Hera walked away, Eros let out a breath.

“No breaks for gods,” he mumbled. Before he could take one step, Hermes zoomed toward Eros.

“You have a 3 o’clock. Just so you know, these two have been at each other’s throats for the hour they’ve been here. Oh, here.” Hermes thrusted a brown box at Eros who fought not to drop the cup of coffee he just poured. “Your bonus. From the boss man.” Hermes was there and gone seconds later, always here, there, and everywhere.

Eros stared at the box for a few seconds before he strode back down the hall to prepare for more of the endless cycle of lovers’ spats. He drank the coffee as he used a foot to shut the door. The box wasn’t heavy at all. Eros opened the “bonus” one-handed to reveal a note.

“To clear your calendar. -Z”

Eros wasn’t sure how long he stood there before he removed the note from the box to reveal the present.

An eraser.