Echoes of the Lost

The silence in the room began to play tricks on me. I swear I just heard AJ’s voice. I quickly sat up and waited to see if I would hear it again, but I did not. Still convinced I did, I waited around in the room all day, hoping he would walk through the door alive and as well as he could be.

It was Monday night, around 7 p.m., and I had left my room once to give my presence at the front desk. I scored some crack, so I smoked a little hit to calm the nerves. I’ve switched to smoking more instead of shooting up, since my arms and toes were brimming with scabs. I was not good at it, so I would have to attempt it three to four times before getting it in my veins, which left me with many scars and bruises.

For the last week, I’ve been hearing AJ’s voice in the hallway, but every time I go out to look for him, he is already gone. I’ve asked the staff if he’s moved into another room, and they say he hasn’t, but I know they are lying. Even if that were the case, legally, they could not disclose any information without his permission. I know he is hiding from me; I hear his voice in the hallway almost every night.

I began to write on my wall until I heard a faint voice call out my name from my door. Unsure I had heard correctly, I stayed still, waiting to hear it again. This time I knew; I had heard right.

“Hello?” I said out loud.

“Skye, baby, it's me. I want to talk to you, but only like this, through the door,” I heard him say softly on the other side.

I ran to the door and lay my head on it so I could hear him better.

“My love, I want to see you,” I pleaded.

“I’m sorry, but I cannot face you yet. Not until I fix everything,” he responded.

“Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick; I’ve barely been sleeping,” I shuddered, replaying some of the harder moments I had experienced during his time away.

“I got myself into some trouble, and I don’t want to involve you. But I had to come to tell you that I still love you and that I did not leave you, Skye Baby,” he assured.

The warmth of my tears felt different this time; they were comforting. He did not leave me, I thought to myself.

“I miss you so much,” I said, trying to hide the crack in my voice. I did not want him to feel bad anymore. I did not want to push him away again. I wanted him here with me. I longed for his smell, his touch, and his breath. I needed him with me more than ever.

“When can I see you?” I quivered, fearing the answer.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to make you an empty promise again, Skye Baby. But please remember that I love you, always,” he replied with sadness.

It took everything in me not to swing open the door and throw myself in his arms, but I knew I had to respect his wishes. I now understand the real meaning of if you love someone, let them go. I took some deep breaths to calm my heartbeat, which felt like it was about to jump right out of my chest. After a minute or so, I realized I had heard nothing more from him.

“AJ?” I cautioned, afraid of the silence. Nothing.

“AJ!” I yelled, standing up and violently swinging the door open. He was gone.

I shut the door and broke down in tears. There were tears of joy and pain, flowing together like a beautiful yet sad symphony. Every day after, I woke up with a little more hope that I would see him again, and now, hearing his voice in the hallway brought a smile to my face. Knowing that his presence was near me brought peace and a little light to my heart, even though I could not see or feel him just yet.

I felt betrayed by Zoe for not telling me about AJ being here, knowing how worried I had been. She had seen me go through all the emotions, yet she figured not telling me was the better decision. I felt let down and concluded that I could no longer trust her. Therefore, I kept my distance from her. She questioned it at the beginning, but she eventually got the message and respected my space, sending me smiles and waves at times when she crossed my path. I ignored them, looking away and continuing with my day. I knew it hurt her, but she hurt me, which I could not accept. She was my confidant, my rock, and she had now betrayed my trust.

I was sitting on my bed this morning, feeling my body ache from falling asleep in a horrible position. I heard a knock on my door, but I ignored it. I heard a second knock on my door, so I yelled, “Go away!”. That’s when I heard Zoe’s voice on the other side.

“Hey, Skye, can I bother you for a sec?” she asked. I could hear the hesitance in her voice.

I got up and opened the door.

“Yes?” I began while looking at her with a blank expression.

“How have you been?” She followed. She looked tired.

“Fine,” I responded coldly. I was still upset with her for betraying me.

“Skye, did I do something to upset you?” She inquired, longing for answers to my sudden change toward her.

“I think you know,” I replied instantly in a passive-aggressive tone.

“Well, that’s the thing. I’ve been searching for any wrongdoing or something bad that I have done to you lately, but I cannot come up with anything, as we have always had a good rapport,” she explained. I paused for about 15 seconds, undecided if I wanted to confront her or not.

“Maybe it’s because you lied to me about AJ, knowing you are the only person I trusted here,” I finally blurted out.

“What? AJ? I have not seen him since he went missing. Why would I lie to you about that?” She responded, looking confused.

“I know he is living here in another room. I hear his voice every night in the hallways, and he spoke to me through the door the other week,” I cried out, angry that she was still lying right to my face. She stood there looking at me, but this time, her look was different. I had never seen this one before.

“May I step in so we can talk more in private?” She requested. I accepted and let her in.

She took a seat in the chair. I sat on my bed with my feet and my knees up to my chin. I did not want to look at her. I did not want her to see me cry.

“Skye, I am only asking this because I care for you and worry about you. Have you been using more drugs lately? I notice that you look more tired and skinny and have become very irritable. Not the same Skye I first met,” she exclaimed with worry in her voice.

“Yeah, I have; so what? Isn’t that what we are meant to do here? You give us clean gear to get high with and a “safe space” for us to get high in? And if we happen to OD, you Narcan us and then call 911. So really, what is the issue?” I exhaled, annoyed by it all. She stayed quiet after my comment and kept her eyes locked on her hands.

“Skye, would you be willing to go to the hospital with me today? Just to make sure you’re healthy and doing okay, mentally and physically,” she offered. I instantly refused.

“I understand that hospitals aren’t fun. I hate them too. But I am worried about your mental state. You mentioned you spoke with AJ the other week?” She interrogated.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Did you physically see him?” She followed.

“No, he says he cannot face me until he fixes everything,” I disclosed, offended by her doubtful tone.

“And you haven’t spoken to him since that last interaction?” She asked another question.

“No, but as I said already, I hear his voice in the hallway every night,” I testified, annoyingly.

“All right, Skye, I’m going to tell you something, and it might be hard for you to hear,” she whispered with fright. I stayed silent, waiting for her next words.

“AJ has not been here at all since his disappearance. After the day you got upset with the staff, accusing them of lying about AJ, I did my due diligence and did some investigating. Zach helped me look through the cameras, and there has never been any sign of AJ since his missing date,” she carefully reported.

“That’s impossible. You’re lying again!” I yelled as I stood up. How could she play with my head like that? Why had Zoe also turned against me? I know I spoke to him; we had a 4-minute conversation. I know for a fact that I heard his voice! What was she trying to do here? What game was she trying to play with me?

“Skye, please take a breath; I beg of you,” Zoe pleaded as she stood up in fright at my outburst. She pulled out some sheets of paper and cautiously handed them over to me.

“What the fuck is this?” I questioned her with annoyance as I ripped them out of her hand.

“Those are the names of all our residents here since the date you guys moved in. I have highlighted in blue the rooms where different residents have passed through, and in green are the empty, vacant rooms. If AJ were staying with us, by law, we must have his information, including the room he is living in, which is your room if you look here. Do you see his name anywhere else, Skye?” she followed, her eyes filled with concern. I started to doubt myself a little, but I still needed more proof.

I scanned every paper, looking for his name next to a different room than ours, and I found nothing.

“This can’t be true,” I repeated to myself while looking through the list a second time with trembling hands.

“What about the vacant rooms? He’s hiding in one of those, right?” My voice trembled, still refusing to believe her. Nothing made sense anymore. How could this be true if I had been hearing his voice every night? I knew the rasp and tone of his voice, like a song you had listened to a million times.

“We can go look in them if you’d like,” she offered. I looked at the list, and we began with the closest vacant room. Each time we opened a door, I felt myself break a little more as each room was, in fact, empty. We arrived at the last one on the list with little hope left in me; she opened the door, and I stood there in silence for a moment. I was trying to process it all, but everything felt so mixed up in my mind. I felt like I no longer knew what my reality was. I had a conversation with him, and he told me he did not leave me. This can't all be made up, can it?

“Holy shit, I have officially lost my mind,” I whispered in disbelief. I had now become just like my neighbour, hearing voices, and creating stories that I truly believed were real.

I broke down in tears, and Zoe held me while I drowned her shirt with my sobs. The only thing keeping me going for the last few weeks was thinking that AJ was back, and I would see him again soon.

I returned to my room, still trying to understand it all. How could this be? This question simmered in my head nonstop. I decided to take a nap to rest my heavy heart. I woke up to hear voices in the hallway, and it was him. I ran to my door and swung it open. No AJ.

I hated feeling this way. I felt so lost and confused. I did not know how to make it stop, and I no longer wanted these voices to take over. It had to stop, and there was only one way I knew how to do it. I had scored some new stuff earlier from Spaz and found a decent vein I could poke. I prepped my fix and numbed my thoughts with my sweet poison, and this was my daily routine. I no longer heard his voice in the hallway at night, which successfully set my mind at ease... for now.

At times, I stopped getting high to see if his voice was still there, but then others joined, and all the voices became a clutter in my mind. Zoe says there is another way for this to go away besides getting high. She claims she could help me if I accepted her help.

The truth is, I know now that nobody can save me. I’m way past gone. My only remedy is getting high to block everything and everyone out, including myself. There was nothing left for me to lose, so might as well lose the last little bit of myself... and my mind.