Don't That Beat All?

Last thing I remember, I was celebrating my 20th birthday at The Hole, my favorite saloon. Somebody done said, "1890 is gonna be the best ever."

I don't rightly know how much whiskey I done had, but fellers kept buyin' and I keeped drinkin'.

Now, I waked up in some right strange places, but this one beats them all to hell. I's layin' on the darndest, softest bed I ever done felt. Beats the hell outta my straw mattress. The walls ain't even wood. I don't know what this here place is made of. But the durndest of all is this here room ain't got no winders, so as I can't see where I done got to. Ain't noboday here neither.

I start a-hollerin', "Hey there, ya'll got an outhouse nearby? I gotta go something terrible."

A voice done come from nowheres, "I am opening the door to the water closet. Be seated and all will be taken care of."

I's about to ask who was talkin', but I didn't want to whiz my drawers. Then, this door just opens, magic-like. I ain't never seen an indoor water closet, but this done smelled like flowers - God's honest truth. I sit down and done my business. I kid you not, there was warm water a-washin' my private parts. It done felt nice-like. Then, warm air was dryin' my backside. I ain't never felt nothin' like that a'fore.

I git out the water closet, and the door closes magic-like, and it looks like it ain't even there. I's inspecting when that voice comes again, "No doubt you are questioning your whereabouts. You are currently in outer space, hundreds of miles above your planet."

He musta seen my jaw drop, 'cause he done went on, "You have no need for concern. You will not be harmed, and you will be returned when our business is concluded."

"Where you come from?" I asks.

He says, "We are from a planet called, 'Sharlex,' in another galaxy."

"What you want with ME?" I asks.

He says, "Our species is dying. We are in need of your seed to propagate so that we may live on."

"Come again?"

"We will pay you handsomely for your time and effort. Are you willing to continue?"

"I don't rightly get it, but being paid handsomely sounds right nice. Tell me what I have to do."

"We have simulators. You would have sexual congress with someone who appears to be human but is in actuality a machine. When you have filled the quota we seek, you will be returned home with gold, which is what we understand to be valuable to humans."

"Is this for real? Y'all want me to have sexual congress and then give me gold? That sounds right nice."

"Very well. We wish you to be sanitary, so I will ask you to disrobe and step back into the water closet. Stay standing this time, and everything will be taken care of for you."

I never been too shy, so I strip down, smart-like. That door opens magic-like again, but this time, there ain't no hole for to do business. This warm water starts sprayin' on me. Then some kinda soap sprays. It smells right nice. I help a bit by spreadin' that soap where the sprayers can't reach. When I'm good and soaped up, there be warm water again, rinsin' as nice as you please.

When I step of the water closet again, I seen a drop-dead gorgeous woman - God's honest truth. I can't believe she a-willin' to do the deed with the likes of me. I don't waste no time. She feels as soft as she done looks. She don't say nothin', but I don't rightly care. My pecker don't take long to be ready. My load shoots right up in her, fast-like. I done catch my breath.

Then, the voice comes on again, "Great! Three more times should do it."

I says, "You sure you ain't needin' more? I could stay on."

"If you are willing, we will keep you as long as it takes to give us five times that amount."

By then, I's curious-like. I asks, "What y'all look like anyhow?"

He says, "We do not wish to divulge our appearance. Suffice it to say that we are different. Please inform us as to when you are recharged."

"I'm ready when ya'll are."

I have to tell ya'll, that 1890 WAS the best! When I took my hunka gold to the bank, that there banker's eyes nearly popped outta his face. I don't told nobody wheres I gets it from. They all woulda think I's outta my mind. Now, I's the richest guy in town.

Next, I'm-a gonna look for a real girl as purty and soft as that there machine on that there spaceship. I 'spect I'll find one.