Don't Sleep on Love

Darcy’s eyes struggled to stay open under the weight of their heaviness. Her belly was filled to the brim with a ribeye steak dinner complete with white-cheddar mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts, two glasses of wine, and a diet Coke. If the waiter ever returned, she was holding out for a piece of five-layer chocolate cake.

Just wait! She coaxed her brain as she struggled not to fall asleep. Brad the finance bro across from her barely even noticed her head starting to nod forward.

As the waiter approached and Brad sent him away for the bill without even asking Darcy if she wanted dessert, her patience had worn thin. She decided to abruptly end this miserable date by giving him her typical end-of-date spiel.

“Okay, so here’s the deal. No, you can’t come back to my house because I don’t have a house. I am a dog sitter who lives at my clients’ homes and at my Tinder dates’ homes on the other nights. I have a place to stay. So, no…I will not be going home with you. Thank you for the dinner, but we will not be seeing each other anymore. And with that, good day to you, Sir.” Brad tried to mumble something, but Darcy didn’t care to hear what he had to say. She walked to her 2015 Ford Fiesta and headed back to the mansion that awaited her.

The next morning was met with a dog walk and a trip to the salon where her best friend, Lizzie, was studying to be a cosmetologist. Darcy let her practice on her face, hair, and nails in return for free services. Now, sometimes this backfired on her like when she ended up with brassy, orange hair instead of an ashy blonde or even worse with a Karen-pixie cut instead of a chic-badass chop. But, for the most part, Liz did well. Today, she was hoping to get a new set of nails for a date she had coming up.

“Hey girl, Hey!” Darcy called to her favorite companion. Liz whipped her chair around and slapped it yelling, “Get over here, Bitch!”

Darcy ran over and plopped in the chair open to whatever skill her friend needed to practice. Liz grabbed her manicure kit and went to town. “Finish telling me about your date last weekend. That sounded wild!”

“Girl, first of all, there were so many signs indicating he was a member of some Armenian illegal bird trade, which was alarming. But secondly, it all just went wildly awry as it always does.” Darcy began her tale while Liz chipped, polished, and painted away at her nails mystified by the start of this tale. “Anyway, it started with dinner, which is where all of the intrigue brewed. He kept flashing his jewelry and telling stories that should have concerned me; but, instead, I was mildly interested in him. We ended the night in the parking lot quietly walking toward the car. He interprets that as a passionate moment to lick my teeth in front of all of the families leaving the restaurant, and as I try to pull away, he also interprets that as me being coy, which seems to be a huge turn-on. I explain to him that no, I am not being coy, but I am embarrassed to have some man groping me in front of a bunch of children whose eyes are burning holes through me and their parents shaking their heads, clutching their kids close to them as they run by.”

Liz squinted, pulling Darcy’s hand closer to her eyes, and nodding in approval, “And then what happened?”

“Well, I needed a place to stay, so I went home with him only to find out that he still lived with his parents, his sisters, and his children. Most of these humans spoke Armenian, but they were very lovely and made me breakfast in the morning. His youngest child even drew a picture of all of us holding hands. There were about thirty humans in this picture, but he pointed to me and then mouthed mama. Breakfast, 10 out of 10. Having to walk out of there awkwardly while they tried to continue stuffing my guts with amazing food that never stopped coming and flashing so many family pictures in my face, a moment I could have lived without.”

“God, I don’t understand how you can have so many dates like this. Seriously, how does this continually happen to you? Also, thank God you haven’t been killed. Aren’t you afraid you’ll end up with a serial killer one night or something?”

Darcy simply shrugged slightly annoyed at the mom-talk.

“Listen, whatever date you have coming up, cancel it. My cousin Davie is in some big cook-off this weekend, and I have an extra ticket. You’re coming with me.”

Darcy was actually a little relieved to cancel her date and agreed to show up to enjoy some free food.

Darcy arrived to meet Liz and was stunned by the production of this cook-off.

“You didn’t tell me it was for a television show!” Darcy felt wildly underdressed as other members of the audience walked by her. She drew her jacket shut to hide her “Hello Bitches” shirt with three Alaskan huskies on it that her mother had bought her on a cruise to Alaska.

At that moment, Darcy turned to find Davie quietly standing behind her. She jumped, letting go of her jacket.

“Shit!” She cried.

“Nice shirt,” Davie chuckled pointing at the dogs, “It’s not quite the upscale casual of everyone else…It’s different.”

“Yeah, I didn’t realize what the dress code was.” Davie hugged his cousin and then extended his hand to Darcy.

“Listen, I am in a bit of a jam. My assistant for the show has COVID and cannot participate with me today. I was hoping one of you could assist me on the show?” Darcy’s heart dropped because she knew Liz wasn’t able to. As dramatic as it sounded, Liz couldn’t appear on television because she was in hiding. Liz stared at her with desperation dripping from her eyes, and Darcy agreed.

“I need you to know that I am not only clumsy and a bit of a humongous disaster, but I don’t cook. This is why I mooch off others for meals. You cannot blame me when you lose.”

Davie laughed, “I mean, one, it can’t be that bad. And two, I think you underestimate my skills.” The group began bantering back and forth talking about everything from what Davie planned on cooking for the show to asking if anyone remembered making shrinky-dinks in the oven as a kid.

Suddenly, the shrill cry of a bird echoing from the parking lot could be heard, and Davie interjected, “Whoa! That bird made me remember something very strange that happened. I think I witnessed some weird underground bird trade in the parking lot earlier. It was one of the strangest things…” Liz stared at Darcy as he continued. Her eyes seemed to say: It can’t be? Can it? Darcy gulped finding a huge pit of stones taking space in her stomach. She hadn’t finished the story of what happened with the Armenian bird dealer because Liz was in worried mom mode.

With the chime of a bell and the producer coming over the intercom yelling for people to get in their places, Darcy was suddenly filled with a new form of terror. How was she going to survive this show? But also, in the back of her mind, she couldn’t help praying that the bird dealer wasn’t actually here at this show. They took their places while the producers explained what would be happening throughout the show. Darcy’s hands began to sweat, and an extreme flood of nerves rushed through her brain causing her to experience a bout of cataplexy, which caused her knees to buckle. She fell into Davie who caught her to keep her from toppling to the ground.

He smiled coyly and replied, “Falling for me, eh? I haven’t even cooked for you!” Darcy couldn’t help but let out the most horrendously nervous guffaw that embarrassed her so badly that it became a core memory stored away which she would unfortunately never forget.

“Sorry, I umm, have this thing called cataplexy that when I experience extreme emotions, I lose control of different muscles…hence the clumsiness.” Davie continued to hold her hand as she steadied herself and then slipped his hand onto her back gently rubbing her to calm her nerves. He remembered during their childhood conversations Darcy had mentioned her favorite thing was having her mom rub her back. Darcy took in some long, deep breaths, almost steadied when the lights came up. As they counted down from 5, Davie continued to rub her back and hold her hand, which was drenched in sweat. Upon the two-count, Davie gave her hand a big squeeze and then assumed position smiling and waving at the camera.

From behind a blinding light came a shrill cry, “Darcy!” It seemed to shock everyone but Darcy who wrapped her arms around Davie and clenched him closely to her.

“Pretend to be my boyfriend!”

“What?” Davie could barely make out her muffled, force of a whisper.

This time Darcy’s cataplexy affected her neck muscles causing her face to droop into his chest. She tried with much effort to pick her head up, but she stayed burrowed into his chest, which only worsened as the bird dealer came running up on the stage.

“This is the man you chose over me?” Darcy had never explained that the bird dealer was a large, towering man with a thick beard and muscles upon muscles. She had also not explained that his temper was an uncontrollable storm of rage.

Davie couldn’t quite tell what was fully going on, but his instincts did kick in to protect this strange girl with the weird behaviors. He put himself between Darcy and the bird dealer while the producers yelled for someone to get security.

“My son still cries for you! He asks, ‘Where is the pretty lady who could be our mama?’” Darcy grimaced as her fists clenched Davie. She could suddenly feel why Liz was always so concerned for her.

The security guards consisted of one portly, older gentleman and a young teenage-looking boy with stubble that just couldn’t quite grow. As they bumbled onto the stage, even they knew their chances of taking down this goliath giant were slim to none. They attempted to grab his beefy arms but he just ripped out of their grip. Davie turned to face Darcy and with his arms wrapped around her began walking her off the stage.

With a swift bear paw to the shoulder, Davie felt himself ripped around so forcefully, it almost knocked him off his feet, but he wasn’t prepared for the actual blow that sent him spiraling to the ground.

After Davie hit the ground, unconscious, the tasers came out. While it took both to take down the behemoth, the rag-tag security team got the bird dealer under control, feeling extremely pleased with themselves. Darcy shook Davie repeatedly asking if he was okay. One eye flitted open. The other was swollen shut; his face looked like a pounded-up piece of beef. Darcy agreed to drive him to the hospital since Liz had no room in her car. The production team helped ease Davie into the small car while Darcy climbed in, she stared at Davie who sat holding an ice pack to his face.

“I did warn you that I was a bit of a humongous disaster…”

“Don’t make me laugh,” Davie tried to stifle his chuckles and tried to keep from smiling. He sobered up a little by stating, “I’ve never been disqualified before.”

Before Darcy could jump to apologize he interjected, “But you did warn me, and I didn’t heed your disclaimer.”

Darcy took this opportunity to jump on the joke, “You may be good, but you underestimate my ability to ruin a situation.”

Davie grabbed her hand, “Hey, I don’t blame you. Honestly, cooking shows and competitions I do all the time. Saving a girl from a crazy bird dealer, now that’s something that I can add to my dating profile.”

Darcy laughed at this one, “If I saw that on your profile, I’d message you. I’d probably say something like: Hey.”

Davie chimed in, “I’d probably raise your hey with a sup.”

“Then I’d respond with a: You up?”

“I’d say: Yeah.”

The two bantered back and forth about their horribly real experiences with awful tinder dates and even worse conversations that when they got to the hospital, both felt a little let down.

Darcy gripped the steering wheel as she watched Liz in the rearview mirror approach with a wheelchair, “Hey, for what it’s worth, I’m so sorry.”

Davie gently turned her face towards his beaten-up pulp of a face and replied, “If it turns out my nose miraculously isn’t broken, can I show you how good of a cook I am sometime?”

Darcy smiled and stared down into her lap, “Are you sure you want to invite me into your house? For all you know, I could have burned your mailman on a date and he might try to burn your house down if he sees me in there!”

“Actually, that does remind me of a question that’s been lingering,” Darcy looked at him in his one open eye as he asked, “What did you do to that bird dealer to piss him off so much?”

Darcy skipped the details of the horrific date and explained to him that she had ghosted him. Then when he wouldn’t stop calling and texting, she said she already had a boyfriend and she never wanted to speak to him again. That’s when he proposed to her and sent pictures of his children with sad, pleading faces, so she blocked his number.

Liz, fuming with anger, whipped open the door and helped her cousin into the chair, urging Darcy to stay in the car. But Davie motioned her to come closer to him so he could tell her something. Darcy, like a dog with its tail between its legs, knelt down beside Davie while Liz stared daggers into her.

“Yes?”

Davie grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her close to him so he could painstakingly plant a kiss on her lips, “Darcy, you’re wild and a little weird, but I’m going to cook dinner for you. Broken nose or not, I’ll give you a call.” Liz whipped him around nearly knocking him out of the chair and Darcy couldn’t help but smile as she climbed into her car ready for a nap.