Don't Look Down

A violent crack shattered the quiet, crisp afternoon. The young girl’s legs trembled as she struggled to keep herself upright. “Big brother!” She desperately reached out for the boy in front of her. He turned immediately, eyes widened as the crystalline surface of the frozen pond splintered just below his sister’s feet. “Yuliana!” He took a step, but the fissure in the ice spread, fingers streaking like lightning. “Don’t move. Stay perfectly still. I’m coming to get you.”

“I’m scared!”

Her brother reassured her with a smile. “It will be okay. Trust me.” His heart hammered in his chest with each cautious step. He pushed forward, but another loud crack thundered from further across the pond.

“Brother, hurry!” Tremors wracked her tiny frame as she stared down at her quaking knees.

“Look at me, Yuliana. Don’t look down.” He coached as he slowly made his way toward her, testing each patch of ice with the blade of his skate before putting any weight into his foot. He kept his gaze locked on his sister’s doe-eyed expression. “I’ve got you.”

Yuliana screamed as the ice below her gave way. Before plummeting into the inky depths, a hand reached out, pulled her arm, then forcefully tossed her onto the bank. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, masking the pain in her ankle from her landing on the hard packed earth. She frantically searched the pond. “Brother! Big Brother, where are you?” Silence was the only response. She crawled to the edge of the frigid water and desperately shouted again. “Aleksei!”

The sound of her cries transmute into a din of cheers as the nightmarish memory fades. “Yuliana…Yuliana? Hey, are you even listening?” Her friend’s bony finger prods at her shoulder, snapping her back to reality. Disoriented, she scans her surroundings, her vision slowly coming back into focus. She’s no longer on that frozen pond on the outskirts of St. Petersburg, but at the community ice rink in central Moscow, sitting with Mila, waiting for the hockey game to start.

“Huh?” She turns to meet the petite girl’s feisty glare. Mila huffs. “I was telling you about my date with Ivan last night. What’s with you today?” Perfectly manicured red brows knit together. “You look exhausted.”

“I’m sorry Mila, I was spacing out.”

“Well, could you come back to Earth for just a second, so you can give me some advice?” She twists a ruby strand around her finger.

A weak smile pulls at the corner of Yuliana’s mouth. “Sure. But first, I need to run to the bathroom.”

“Don’t take too long. The boys are about to come out onto the ice. You don’t want to miss Lev’s big entrance, do you?” Mila elbows Yuliana teasingly in the ribs.

Yuliana playfully pushes her back. “Stop. It’s not like that with us. Lev is just a friend.”

“Whatever, you say.” Mila rolls her eyes, waving her off.

Yuliana clicks her tongue. “I’ll be right back.”

She enters a vacant stall and sits, pulling her knees up to her chest. Attempting to quell her anxiety, she inhales deeply through her nose then exhales through her mouth, following her therapist’s instructions. A gentle throb in her right ankle reminds her of which day is approaching. She rubs it unconsciously as she thinks, (I can’t believe it’s been almost six years. You would think by now, I wouldn’t have this reaction to the anniversary of his death, but every year it’s the same. Why did I agree to come here? I can’t breathe.) She pulls at her scarf to loosen the hold it has around her neck then wipes the back of her hand across her forehead displacing small beads of sweat.

Untangling her limbs, she opens the door. Leaning forward onto the sink, she stares into the mirror. A furrowed brow and blue eyes, dulled and hollowed by too many years of guilt, glare back at her. She turns away then looks up, nervously fiddling with her silver braid. Speaking to the void beyond the ceiling, she closes her eyes. “Aleksei, I wish you here.” Her throat is raw, she attempts to swallow “I-” She chokes on the words. “I’m still just that scared little kid.” A stray tear runs down her cheek. “It’s all my fault. I never should have asked you to go skating that day.”

Suddenly a vibration from her pocket interrupts her apology. It’s a text from Mila. [Can you get me a soda while you’re out?] She quickly replies. [Sure thing. Be back soon.]

[Thanks!]

Yuliana takes one final calming breath then turns back to the mirror. “It’s just one afternoon. You can make it another few hours.” She peps herself up then plasters a fake grin on her face.

“Two Cokes please.” She says brightly to the man at the concession stand.

“Make that three. I’ve got these.” A deep voice startles her, making her jump slightly. She turns to address the stranger. “Thank you, but that’s not necessary.” She meets viridian eyes half hidden behind a curtain of blonde hair. “Lev? Why are you here?”

He chuckles, tucking the unruly locks behind his ear, revealing his chiseled jaw. “I’m sorry, were you expecting someone else? Did I disappoint you Yuli?”

A pink flush dusts across her nose as her eyes dart to the side. “You know I hate it when you call me that.” Returning his look, she crosses her arms. “You didn’t answer my question. Aren’t you supposed to be playing today?” Her eyes follow Lev’s piano player-like fingers as he nervously touches the back of his slender neck. (He’s quite lithe, more like a figure skater, than a hockey player.) She studies his handsome features.

“Uh, yeah well, about that…” He lifts the hem of his track pants, revealing a brace around his left ankle. Yuliana sheepishly tucks her right ankle behind her left as her attention is drawn to her own injury. “Is it bad?”

“Nah, some guy took a cheap shot and hacked me last week, messed it up, but it’s not broken, just sprained. Doctor told me I can’t play for a few weeks. So, I’m just here as a cheerleader today.” A wide toothy grin spreads across his face. “Are you here with Mila?”

“Yeah, she’s waiting for me on the south side.” She motions over her shoulder.

“Care if I walk you back?” Lev’s grin fades as Yuliana hesitates. “Unless it would make you uncomfortable-”

“No, it’s not that.” Her gaze falls away again as she bites her lip. “Sorry, Lev, I’m not having the best day today. I should probably just go home.”

Seeking to meet her eye, he cocks his head. “I’m sorry you’re having it rough. Need to vent? I’m a good listener.” The twinkle returns to his emerald eyes as he looks down at Yuliana. Her heart thumps for just a moment before she shakes her head, extinguishing the feeling. “It’s alright. Thank you though.”

“Hey! Other people would like to order. Move it already!” A burley woman shouts and shakes her fist at Yuliana and Lev from the back of the line. Yuliana blushes again and Lev whirls around in place. “Calm down, hag.”

“What’d you say to me?” A gap-toothed snarl adorns her face as she takes a step forward.

“C’mon Lev, let’s go.” Yuliana pulls on his arm, de-escalating the impending fight and leads him away from the brazen lady. They continue to walk toward the south end of the rink. “I need to sit these down for just a second, I can’t feel my hands.” She pauses and sets the drinks on a bench nearby, then rubs her palms together.

“Here, let me.” Lev takes her delicate fingers in his strong gloved hands and warms them gently. A pleasant electric current thrums through Yuliana’s body. Abruptly, she comes back to herself and yanks her hands from his grasp. “Th-thanks.” She leans down to pick up the drinks, avoiding Lev’s viridescent stare.

“Look at me, Yuliana.” She fumbles, nearly dropping the sodas on the floor; her brother’s voice floods her mind. “Careful.” Lev stabilizes her precarious hold. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t. I just had a strange sense of déjà vu.” She lifts her hand to her temple, “For a second…you…no. It’s silly. Let’s go. Mila will send out a search party for me soon.”

“Wait.” Lev reaches out to touch Yuliana’s arm. “Please, tell me what’s on your mind. Nothing you say could ever be silly.”

Yuliana sighs and shakes her head. “It’s nothing really. I promise. I’m fine.”

Disappointment mars his voice as he releases his hold on her arm. “If you say so. We’re at your entrance.” A small smirk appears on his lips. “I’ll see ya later, Yuli.” He waves, not allowing her the time to protest the use of the nickname.

Days turn into weeks and Yuliana’s routine remains unchanging: school, visit the ice rink, watch the happy skaters, go home, repeat. Since that day at the game, Lev and Yuliana had only shared occasional small talk, but the conversations never went beyond more than exchanging opinions about the weather. Yuliana started to feel a weight in her chest she couldn’t shake. She was afraid that she might have really offended Lev, when all he was trying to do was show her kindness.

Much to her relief, Lev strikes up a conversation during one of her habitual visits to the ice rink. “You stalking me?” A low chuckle rises from his chest as he skids to a halt in front of Yuliana, ice spraying from his blades.

“What? No!” She shoots straight up from her seat at his accusation.

“Uh huh, so why are you always here? You never skate.”

“I wasn’t aware that was a crime.”

“It’s not. It’s just…kind of sad.”

Heat instantly flashes through Yuliana’s cheeks, her fists tremble slightly at her sides. “I don’t want your pity.”

“It’s not like that. I’m not...look, I didn’t mean to upset you...I just...nevermind. Sorry I bothered you.” His shoulders slump as he dejectedly skates toward his teammates.

She huffs and plops back down then crosses her arms. (Stupid Lev.) She peeks in his direction, catching his eye, then swiftly turns her head away again. Endeavoring to unravel her web of emotions, she stays until practice ends. Just as she is about to leave the main arena, Lev catches her, face ruddy and sweat streaked from running. “Yuliana, hold up.”

“Here to insult me some more?” She raises an eyebrow at him. Ignoring her attitude, he extends his hand. “Come skate with me.”

“You said it yourself, I don’t skate. Remember?” Hitching her bag up onto her shoulder she mutters, “I haven’t since I was ten years old. Bye Lev.”

"I heard about what happened to your brother.” Yuliana freezes in place. “It’s today isn’t it...the anniversary...?”

She turns slowly. “I don’t know how you found out, but-.”

“Is that why you stopped skating?” He coaxes. “I heard you were aiming to be a junior champion-”

“Let it go Lev.” Her eyes glint with warning. She doesn’t need to be reminded of the consequences her actions caused that winter; the looks, the hushed whispers. Your fault. They shriek.

“Do you really think your brother would be happy seeing you constantly sitting on the sidelines, harboring this guilt? Not living?”

A gasp escapes past her lips. She lowers her head and tightly clenches the fabric of her shirt just over her heart, straining to hold back the flow of tears threatening to break. “You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand.” He lifts her chin, bringing her crystal blue eyes to meet his. “Please, skate again. If not for yourself, then for him.”

Yuliana stands on shaking legs as she focuses on the ice beneath her blades. “Don’t look down, I’ve got you.” In that brief instance, she’s on that frozen pond in St. Petersburg, laughing and skating with Alexei once more.