Dodge and the Elemental Water Ale

All feeling in Dodge’s legs vanished as he, with a full body shiver, stepped forth into the suddenly shockingly frigid waters of the Serpent's Teeth, sinking up to his knee before he whimpered in a manly fashion as his teeth tried to escape his jaws and chatter their way to shore. Cold? Arctic? Glacial? He'd been warned that the water temperatures here were unusually cold. And he'd prepared accordingly, or so he thought. But even after having downed a potion of Warmth, the freezing waters still leached his bodyheat in a fraction of a second.

“Why In All The Gods' Names Am I Here?!” , he muttered to himself as he strode deeper with a squeak, into the waters. "Ok. A quick dip. In and out before anything knows I was here. Grab a bottle and Go! The Old Dodge dip and zip!"

But as Dodge stood there, shivering violently and trying to build himself up to take the plunge, waist-deep in water, watching the current shift and ripple where no breeze stirred, currents that were suddenly behind him between him and the shore, he realized, with bone-chilling certainty, he was not alone.

And then he saw them.

Wotters. Half Giant Otter. Half Water Elemental. All Teeth!

At first glance, they looked innocent and playful. Graceful darting creatures, half-submerged, swirling through the water in hypnotic spirals. Their lithe, otter-like forms cut effortlessly through the waters, circling and darting, sleek translucent fur shimmering in the dim light.

And then one surfaced fully, staring directly at him, as he immediately realized he was the prey in these waters, not the predator.

Its liquid body, constantly in motion, shifted unnaturally—the water dripping upward, forming jagged, curling limbs tipped in cruel claws. Its eyes, glowing sapphires of condensed magic, locked onto Dodge.

And it grinned, showing its ice covered teeth. And more teeth, And more teeth. Until it seemed to be more tooth than creature!

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me,” Dodge whispered, taking a slow step back. "How do I keep doing this to myself? This never happens from my couch!" The Wotter giggled, tilting its head as if making a decision about him. A decision he really wished he got a vote on!

Then it tittered, and lunged.

Dodge barely had time to react. One second, it was thirty feet away, the next, right there in his face. A snap of frosty water & razor-sharp claws raking through the air where screaming and backpedaling Dodge’s throat had been but a blink before.

With reflexes honed by far too many unwanted near death experiences, Dodge whipped out his rapier, slashing a neat arc across the creature’s midsection. nearly bisecting it and putting it out of the fight!

For half a heartbeat, it seemed like it worked.

Then, before Dodge’s horrified eyes, the Wotter dipped into the waves as its wound sealed effortlessly, the water knitting back together, the Wotter looking mildly amused.

“Oh that’s just cheating! And that's one too many cheaters in this SNAFU!” Dodge muttered, snapping his buckler forward as another one lunged from the side. It struck the creature with a resounding thunk!, sending it splashing backward, but it's laughter, watery and eerily melodic, never stopped as the wound also knitted back together.

Dodge glanced around. Three. Five. Seven. The Wotters encircled him, frisky and dancing through the waves, their playful giggles turning from teasing to sinister. The waters around his waist, turning to slush and then ice, and slowing him even more as the Wotters used the environment, their environment, against him.

“Welp... Shit.” Dodge said, shaking freezing clumps from his sleeves, and cracking the ice off his boots. HE checked his quickly dwindling options.

Flight? ...Impossible.

Charm? ...Unlikely.

Survival? …Debatable.

Still, Dodge Tanner was nothing if not a world class talent at self preservation.

Time for good old Dodge to do what Dodge does best.

An hour later, after far too much screaming, FAR too much shrinkage, a particularly narrow underwater escape, and an elaborate set of distractions involving artful application of fish, Dodge crawled onto shore from the freezing depths, breathless, victorious, and covered in ice frozen leathers.

And, despite all odds, clutched in his trembling ice coated hands, perfectly intact, was a glowing sapphire bottle labeled:

“Grand Brewmaster Gurglok’s Elemental Water Ale.”

And that, dear readers, is the story of how Dodge Tanner, through sheer determination, fast-swimming, and one highly experimental fish toss, became the only Halfling ever to steal from the Wotters, and live to brag about it.

Two Elemental Bottles down, just two more to go!

- Excerpt from "Why Go BIG, When You Can Just Stay Home?!", The Autobiography and "Do Not Travel" Memoirs of Derrek 'Dodge' Tanner.