Dick Winchester in... The Fairy Tale

Book 1, Chapter 8

Little Red Riding Hood skips gaily through the forest, reveling in the sunshine.

Unbeknownst to this innocent child, another figure shadows her in the undergrowth. As he slinks through the brush, a thorn bush catches the edge of his cloak, momentarily exposing a rounded off-green square with the tops of the letters “Öb” showing on his chest.

As Riding Hood approaches a cabin nestled within a copse of pine trees, a dark shadow darts through the foreground toward the back of the house.

Removing the hood covering her auburn hair, Riding Hood calls out, “Grandma, I’m here to visit!”

A few moments of silence pass, then the sounds of a muted scuffle come through the door. Another beat passes before the door slides open, revealing a wolf shrouded in women’s clothes.

“Hello, dearie,” the Wolf croons, still perfecting his imitation.

Riding Hood takes no notice. “I’ve come to visit you,” she says, stepping into the cabin.

“Why, you shouldn’t have!” the Wolf exclaims, shuffling to close the door and planting himself between her and the exit. He then glances down to the basket in Riding Hood’s hands. “Say, what do you have there?”

“Oh, this? It’s a basket full of disposable income.”

The Wolf’s green eyes gleam. “I thought it might have been food.”

Riding Hood taps her chin. “You know, I am a bit hungry after that trek through the forest.”

“Not to worry, dearie, I have just the thing.” The Wolf reaches back and reveals an iPhone in his massive paw. “A new app I’ve just launched.”

Riding Hood takes the phone. “Why, Grandma, what a sleek app you have!”

“Yes, child, a true marvel of modern convenience and user friendliness.”

“Why, Grandma, what options there are to choose from!”

His eyes bore into Riding Hood. “All delivered right to your front door.”

Riding Hood’s brow furrows. “Why, Grandma... what high service fees you have.”

Jagged canines reveal themselves as the Wolf’s lips slide back. “All the better to drain away your hard-earned dollars!” he roars, shedding his clothes to reveal a massive Öber Eats logo across his chest.

Riding Hood screams and scrambles backward as the Wolf stalks toward her on his hind legs.

“Come on, dearie,” he calls to her. “It’s the price of doing business in this modern economy. Shouldn’t you have to pay for the convenience of using my app?” He licks his fangs. “And we haven’t even discussed gratuity yet.”

“No,” Riding Hood gasps. Realizing she’s now cornered, she places her torso between the predator and the basket. “You can’t have it, you monster!”

The Wolf advances, his massive paws widening with anticipation.

Then a knock, confident and just, from the front door.

The Wolf freezes in his tracks and turns his head. “Who is it?” he growls, not bothering to disguise his lupine dialect.

“Winchester Delivery Services,” the voice booms through the door.

“We didn’t order any,” the Wolf shouts back, turning back to his latest victim.

But the door flies off its hinges before the Wolf can advance any farther. The Deliveryman lowers his boot and draws a Beretta 92FS.

“Not to worry.” He smiles beneath his standard-issue Winchester Delivery Services cap. “This one’s on the house.”

He shoots twice, shattering the Wolf’s right femur.

The wolf cries out as his leg buckles, struggling to keep upright with his uninjured limb. Riding Hood runs past him and throws her arms around the Deliveryman.

“Thank you,” she gasps. “You don’t know what he was about to—”

“Just doing my job, Miss,” the Deliveryman cuts in, gently extricating himself from her embrace. He gestures to the Wolf, who is now crawling across the floor toward them. “Don’t want to leave it unfinished.”

Riding Hood tilts her head. “Then why don’t you shoot him?”

The Deliveryman chuckles. “Not I, Miss.” He holds the Beretta out to her. “We’re all about empowerment at Winchester Delivery Services.”

Riding Hood stares at the handgun for a moment before taking it and holding the weapon up to her eye to get a proper sight picture.

The Wolf glances up and finds himself looking down the barrel of the gun. “Wait, wait—”

Riding Hood puts two more rounds in the Wolf’s center mass.

“Excellent grouping, Miss,” the Deliveryman says, beaming as he reclaims the Beretta. “If you ever feel like switching occupations, we always have openings.”

“I’m only twelve years old.”

“Never too young to get a headstart in our industry!”

Riding Hood opens her mouth to respond, then pauses. “Do you hear that?”

The Deliveryman pivots just as the armoire in the background bursts open and an old woman stumbles out, spouting curses and invectives.

“Where is that furry bastard? I don’t care what kind of oversized rat he is, he’s dead after I get through with ‘im!”

Riding Hood runs to the woman. “Grandma!”

“I’m so glad to see you’re okay, sweetheart.” She then catches sight of the Wolf on the floor and the Deliveryman standing beside him. “Looks like your new boyfriend took care of the problem, all right.”

“Again, twelve years old,” Riding Hood says.

The Deliveryman holds up his hand. “Just a friendly neighborhood food delivery driver.”

“Whoa, wait a minute,” Riding Hood says, pointing. “He’s still moving!”

The Wolf is now dragging himself toward the front door. “Let me die... in the light...” he groans.

“That’s one tough sonuvabitch.” Grandma nods with a glimmer of respect before looking at the Deliveryman’s Beretta. “Got any more rounds in there, sonny?”

“Of course.” The Deliveryman smiles with pride. “All Winchester Delivery Services personnel carry the finest high-capacity magazines in our firearms.”

Riding Hood blinks. “Wait, all your delivery drivers are armed?”

The knowing smile remains. “It’s the old proverb: the only way to stop a bad Deliveryman with a gun...”

Grandma has finished her inspection of the handgun. “Nine millimeter. Very nice.” She disengages the safety and chambers a round. “These hollow point?”

The Deliveryman nods. “Made right here in the good old US of A.”

The Wolf is almost to the front door, where he finds Grandma’s legs blocking his view. “Going somewhere, doggy?”

“No, please...”

She delivers a final bullet between his eyes.

“Well, now that that excitement is all over with,” Grandma says, engaging the safety and handing the Beretta back to the Deliveryman, “what’s in that basket, Red? Nothing builds up an appetite like fighting off a home invasion.”

Riding Hood shakes her head. “All I have is this basket full of U.S. dollars.”

“What coincidence,” the Deliveryman says as he holsters his legally carried and permitted handgun. “I happen to have a delivery order that got canceled. Customer got impatient and ate a poison apple, apparently.”

Riding Hood looks up. “But will the app let us take someone else’s order?”

The Deliveryman chuckles. “We don't believe in paper trails at Winchester Delivery Services.”

Riding Hood smiles. “Then I guess I know what we’re doing for dinner.”

The Deliveryman puts his arms around Grandma and Riding Hood. “Tell you what, how about 50% off for our newest customers? You can grab your order out of the Camry out front.”

Grandma and Riding Hood walk out the front door while the Deliveryman turns to face the camera, stepping over the Wolf’s limp body as he closes the gap. “Don’t let the flashy apps fool you. Online delivery services are sucking America’s hard-working families dry with their service fees and sales taxes.”

He points to the camera and smiles. “But at Winchester Delivery Services, we say: ‘this is our country, and the free market is what makes this nation strong.’ So give us a call, and start reclaiming your hard-earned dollars. Start reclaiming your country.”

***

I paused the playback as our phone number slid across the bottom of the screen and a massive American flag unfurled behind the Deliveryman.

“So,” I said, spinning in my chair to face the rest of the board room, “what do you think?”

Several moments passed as their eyes met mine.

Norm was the first to break the silence. “I feel like I need to watch it again.”

I put both elbows on the table. “Interesting. We could certainly stand to have people rewatch our ad. So why do you feel that way?”

“Feels a bit broad.”

I felt my lips pursing involuntarily. “Broad?”

“You know, open to interpretation.”

Murmurs of “a bit abstract” and “a lot of layers” came from other board members.

“Abstract? Layers?” I replied, pointing to the frozen image of the Deliveryman standing in front of Old Glory. “I think he made it very clear what was going on.”

“Well, what about the Wolf?” Norm ventured. “I really wasn’t sure what he was supposed to represent.”

“Repr— there’s a goddamn Öber Eats logo tattooed across his chest!”

Keisha broke in. “I did like the part where they shot him.”

“Of course you did, you’re former FloorDash,” Lenny replied, a 7.62 NATO round permanently clenched between his teeth.

Keisha snorted at Lenny’s comment, ready to fire back when Norm spoke again. “I’m just not sure I get the wolf.”

“What is there to get? He’s the Big Bad Wolf. He’s the villain.”

“But what made him turn bad?”

“This ad is already six minutes long, and you want a backstory for the stereotypical bad guy? He’s just bad. Period.”

Keisha shook her head. “It’s 2025, Dick. The whole black and white, good versus evil gimmick doesn’t play anymore.”

“No, it’s a fairy tale. There’s no nuance here. It’s supposed to be cut and dry. Beat the kid over the head with the lesson, and everyone lives happily ever after. The villain doesn’t get an origin story.”

“Maleficent got one,” Lenny muttered.

“Yeah,” Norm said, picking up the torch. “Maleficent got one!”

“Great, good for her. We are not Disney, people. I’m using Red Riding Hood as a plot device to help drive the metaphor home. Nothing else.”

Keisha broke into a grin. “Ah, now I get it. That’s why you’re being so defensive.”

“What?”

“You wrote this ad!”

“Well, yes, but that doesn’t have—”

“Oh, I think it has everything to do with it. You can’t accept that someone might not grasp your literary genius.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know I took—”

“—four years of literature studies,” everyone else finished. “We know.”

Unbidden, I felt my arms crossing. “Well, if it’s so easy, why don’t you go out and write your own treatment, huh?”

Keisha shook her head. “Nah, I actually like what you’ve done here.”

I sat up a bit. “You do?”

“Yeah, I do.” Keisha leaned back in her chair. “I just think it just needs a tweak.”

“Okay.” I unfolded my arms and placed my hands on the table. “Like what?”

“That whole empowerment bit. It feels a bit forced.”

“If the Deliveryman came in and resolved the whole issue himself, it could be seen as a Prince Charming complex.”

Keisha cocked an eyebrow. “Prince Charming complex?”

“You know, cisgender heterosexual white male rides in to save the day?”

Keisha tapped the table. “Still, wouldn’t the best message have been if Riding Hood was carrying the whole time and put that furry freak down right at the start?”

“Probably, but then how does the Deliveryman arrive to pitch the service?”

“He hears the gunshots?”

“He rushes through the door, sees that Red has everything handled, and says ‘Have a nice day?’ Oh, yes, great ad.”

Keisha shrugged. “We could workshop it.”

I bit back another sigh. “What’s the second issue?”

“Does it have to be animated?”

“I figured animation jived well with the picture books folks would remember the original story from. Besides, I already paid this chick twenty-five grand to animate the sequence.”

“Twenty-five grand,” the table exclaimed in unison.

“Listen, everyone. This is an investment in the business. In all of us. The more deliveries we make, the more money we make. It’s a legitimate expense.”

Despite my rock-solid logic, I could feel their dissent simmering in the air.

I breathed in and exhaled. “Tell you what. We’ve all been working very hard. Once this ad is finalized, we’ll increase profit sharing to thirty percent for each delivery. That means the more jobs you pick up, the more money we all make. How’s that sound?”

As everyone else voiced their approval, Barry raised his hand.

“Except unpaid interns. Your payment is valuable industry experience.”

Barry lowered his hand.

“All right, with that sorted, any last thoughts on the ad?”

Norm opened his mouth, and I braced myself.

“What about Snow White?”

“What about her? She’s not in this.”

“Yeah, but you referenced her, didn’t you? That got me thinking; we could do a follow up in the same style, but this time it’s FloorDash offering Snow White the poison apple.”

Damn, why didn’t I think of that? Screw Red Riding Hood.

I pointed to him, picking up the idea. “Then the apple explodes as the Deliveryman shoots it out of her hand and saves her from FloorDash’s poison.”

Keisha grinned. “Let me guess, he then gives the gun to Snow White to finish the Evil Queen?”

“Hey, he can’t ride in and solve all her problems. He’s just a friendly neighbor, a concerned citizen exercising his 2nd Amendment rights. Certainly won’t be kissing her while she’s in a drugged out state, I can tell you that much.”

I turned to the assembled board members. “All right, let’s get back to work. I know the phones are going to be ringing off the hook once the final cut of this ad goes live.”

Keisha stuck around as the others dispersed. “So, where is this ad going, exactly?”

“Oh, I’m still figuring that piece out.” I swiveled my chair in a lazy arc. Looking through the window in the warehouse loft, I could just make out the southwest wall of the Pentagon. I pressed my hands together under my chin, allowing myself a slight smirk. “But I have a few ideas.”

I could hear the knowing grin in Keisha’s voice despite having my back to her. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with that $3,000 projector you bought, would it?”

I whipped around. “What, who told you about that?”

Keisha shrugged. “Norm’s and the other drivers use it to watch adult movies in the break room together.”

“Norm, I’m referring you to HR,” I shouted, then added, “And next time send me an invite!”

###

Dick Winchester will return in... The Mystery of the Masked IP Address

More Dick Winchester in...

The Opening Salvo (Book 1)

1. The Box with No Name
2. The Last Word
3. The Cliffhanger
4. The Screenplay
5. The Hat Trick
6. The Hijacking — print exclusive*
7. The Cliffhanger, The Prequel
8. The Fairy Tale — you are here
9. The Cop Out — print exclusive*
10. The Employee Training Video — print exclusive*
11. The Cliffhanger, The Finale

*Access these exclusive chapters when you pick up The Opening Salvo: Dick Winchester Book 1