Diary

6.17.2027

I think. Not really sure at this point. It’s hard to keep track of the days now. I don’t know why I’m writing to you. It’s not like you can read this. Just makes me feel better--old coping mechanisms die hard, I guess. Maybe it’s the locket. I’ve been looking at it a lot recently. Either way, I’ve been thinking about you all the time recently. I can’t wait to see you again.

Been out of food now for three days. Three. That’s easy enough to remember.

They say you can live for eight to twenty-one days without food so long as you have water. I have a little water, probably enough to get me to Morrisville but I’m not sure with this weather. I wish I hadn’t had to ditch the jeep. Kept overheating and gas was getting harder to find. I spent the last few stops mostly looking for gas and didn’t make a lot of progress once I crossed the Delaware but with weather the way it’s been it was almost worth it.

Either way, I just want to make it back to our spot in the park. Be with you and Bear and River again...

I hate this silence. I miss your voice. I miss Bear and his barking. I miss River and those stupidly adorable noises she used to make. AND MUSIC! Fuck, I miss music. Hell, I miss the sounds of cars. I’d even take the sound of those roving bands of assholes…

It’s all dead. Even the Carolinas are barren now. I kept hoping I’d hear an engine or a shout or even a fucking crow but nothing. Don’t know how I’ve made it this long if no one else has.

I found shelter just in time tonight. A cramped apartment above some hair salon. Reminded me of when you dyed our hair because I was hopeless at it and wanted some weird combination that Sam hated and you had a sudden urge to be mint or cyan or whatever. Either way, I’ve got enough cover to hopefully keep from getting too cold and I managed to steal a few blankets left behind by whoever lived here. At least I won’t die tonight.

Here’s hoping I find some water.

6.18.2027

I dreamt about you last night, first time in a while I remember dreaming. Wasn’t anything to write home about beyond the fact that you were there. We were curled up on the couch, watching something. I wasn’t paying attention to it but staring at you like I hadn’t seen you in a lifetime.

It feels like a lifetime.

You turned and looked at me. I could drown in your eyes. But you giggled, said, “What?” and I just kissed you. Bear groaned from his part of the couch and River jumped on our laps out of nowhere. Guess she was hungry or something but it snapped me out of the dream and I was alone on the floor of that apartment. Always alone these days. Not that it would matter without you here. It’s been almost six months now. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, or you, or Bear, or River. I hate this…

Didn’t find any water today but I’m making decent progress. Just wish it wasn’t so hot for most of the day. I can only really walk during the morning and evening and even then it’s almost unbearable. But hey, finally got that tan you wanted. Bet you’d love the freckles too.

No apartment or house this time. Made it into a gas station though. Just before the frost started to hit. It comes on a lot faster than it used to, didn’t even think this was possible. Thankfully those blankets are helping and with the tile floor I can even make a little fire in this cramped cubicle. Came a long way from the comfort of our apartment to here. Who fucking knew those would be the good days?

All that struggling and stress and bullshit, I’d trade everything to go back to then. Not that there’s much left to trade. Almost out of water now, think I have enough for tomorrow but there are a couple of stores and a big warehouse a couple miles up the road, if I remember correctly. One of those Amazon Delivers places. Maybe there’s some food and water there.

6.19.2027

I dreamt of you again. You were dancing in the park. It’s still just trying to figure out if it’s summer or not and I think it just rained. But you’re smiling and dancing and I can’t help but sneak in a video on my phone. You were giggling and spinning almost like you didn’t have a care in the world. I miss that. Those walks in the park, those days when we’d go hiking into the forest and just forget about all the bullshit waiting for us back home. But like every time, it fades until all that’s left is the locket I gave you. You know the one. The heart-shaped locket with a picture of us. I think we went to the beach that day. It’s hard to remember anymore.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss everything. Still haven’t found food and I’m down to the last few drops of water. But, there’s got to be something, right? I wish I could tell you all of this. Tell you how scared I am. How hungry. How the nights have gotten so cold and the days so hot.

The fire’s getting low and I’m not sure I have enough fuel left to light it again. I hope I can keep warm or these last few drops of water won’t even matter. At least I’d see you again. I hope.

6.20.2027

It’s hot today. It’s hot every day but it’s especially hot today. I made it from the warehouse to Morrisville. Every house along the way had either been torched or looted a long time ago but at least they provided enough shade during midday to keep me from burning up. I hate this. I should just give up. I should just give in and…

No. I know what you’d say. You’d say, “You can do it, babe.”

I don’t know how much longer that will be true. I haven’t seen another person in what feels like months. Fuck, haven’t seen anything living in months...

I just wish you were with me...

I can’t…

I try not to think about that day. It’s hard enough knowing I had to leave you and the animals there. I’d rather think of happier times.

I should have stayed with you. I know, I swore I’d try. But this is too much. I can’t live with this. The solitude, the memories, all of it. When I’m not walking or scavenging, I’m crying and staring at that picture of you and me. I hate that I don’t have any of anyone else but at least I have something to remember you by. But Bear… River… I’m forgetting what they looked like, what they smelled like…

I’m going to try and make it to Yardley today, but it’s getting hard to walk and harder to focus. Hell, I’ve been writing this for the last two hours and sometimes I just forget what word I’m looking for or I just can’t make out the page through all the tears. I miss you. I keep looking at the locket, the picture’s faded but I can still see your smile and it’s almost enough to hold me over until I get back to you. I’m going to check a few more houses and maybe a convenience store a few minutes away and see if there’s anything at all. Fuck, I’d kill for a coke.

6.20.2027

I didn’t make it to Yardley. Got too hot. Had to take shelter in the convenience store. I couldn’t find any food but at least there was a gallon of water that looked like it had seen better days.. But water’s water, and as long as I boil it, it should be fine, right? If I can find a lighter it should hopefully give me a few days.

Remember that time we went through Tyler State Park and I proposed at the top of the waterfall? I was so nervous that I lost my footing and fell into the stream and you were laughing so hard. You came to help me but I grabbed you and pulled you in. I can still hear your scream. I can also remember your face when I pulled the ring out, soaking wet, and asked you to marry me. That was the last time they even had water in Tyler State.

We shouldn’t have stopped there for so long...

I wish we’d had time to get married. You know, for real. I know you said it didn’t matter, that we WERE married but I also know how much the ceremony mattered to you. We would have killed it in those dresses and I’m sure at that point you could have taken anyone who said otherwise.

6.21.2027

Jesus, I’d hate to be back in the desert if it’s this fucking hot up here. I made it about a mile, probably, before the sun came up and almost immediately it jumped like twenty degrees. I was thinking about Bear and River today. I know the heat probably would have been too much for them but I can dream, can’t I? I wish we’d gotten out of that fucking apartment and at least gotten Bear a yard. I’m sure River would have wanted to love it but who let’s a cat out?

Remember when we thought she escaped? Funny the shit you remember sometimes, right?

I’m going to set out again around sunset and try to push through as long as I can. I need to make it to you soon. Can’t stand being alone anymore.

6.21.2027

Made it to Yardley and broke into that one house we saw a long time ago. The stone and wood one with the bay window. Somehow, completely untouched. Most of the houses around here are still in decent shape. Too bad their fridges are filled with what can only affectionately be called a slurry of things that would have got our store shut down. The pantries are empty too. At least there should be a bed to sleep in...

They were holding hands… Still. Don’t even know how...

6.22.2027

I dreamt of you again. But we were just in bed, holding hands, binging some show when a bomb or something went off. The power went out, some men broke into the apartment…

They killed…

I know it was just a dream, but I still woke up in tears, shaking, sweating. I wish you were here to tell me it’s going to be okay. Hold me one last time before we get up...

I slept on the couch. Wasn’t too bad considering where I’ve been sleeping. Drank what was left of the water already. Fuck, it’s hot.

6.23.2027

Made it to the 532. Stomach is killing me. Thirsty. Just a little further.

Can’t stop thinking about them. They were holding hands.

Just like that dream.

I can still see your eyes.

Was holding you.

Too late.

Just like at the park.

Why did you save all the water for me?

6.24.2027

In Newtown.

Dreamt of you again.

We were on the road.

Bear was in the back.

River was angry.

We were on vacation.

Or something.

Hard to remember.

You were all so blurry.

I can still hear his whimpers. Her last breath.

Yours.

6.25.2027

Made it.

Just like I left you.

Hung the locket up on the cross I made for you.

Everything hurts.

Just want to hold you one last time.

I love you.