Deja Vu

When he held your hands, you could not help but fidget. Your hands kept on shaking, he thought it was because you have finally developed feelings for him. He thought your being shy around him was a sign, a sign that finally, you've come to love him. You knew that wasn't the reason. Your hands were shaking because that scenario felt strangely familiar, like a deja vu.

It was a school hall with so many wooden chairs, like the one you're in right now. You had one part of his earpiece in your left ear, the other part in his right. You were listening to his favorite music, watching him sing along. You had just learnt of his favorite music artist. Just like right now.

Your hands kept shaking and you heard him ask why, you had denied and then accepted and your reason was because you weren't yet used to him being around you. Just like right now.

He had held your hands tightly, hoping it would stop shaking, hoping that soon enough, you'd get used to him. He held your hands tightly and placed the union of hands on your thighs. You had pretended to not notice, to be so into the music. Just like right now.

Finally, you had the courage to bring yourself back to reality. You stared at his face and that was the end of the deja vu. Although they had a striking resemblance - skin like the color of brown coffee and beautiful eyes that became brighter whenever they are fixed to yours- which was probably the reason you agreed to meet with him again. Although they had a striking resemblance, he wasn't him. Although you wished so badly that he would become him, he couldn't. He wasn't Chukwudi and will never be Chukwudi. So, you detangled the union of hands. Slightly removing your hands from his, you picked up your bag and left the hall without saying a word.

Chu, as you fondly called him, was not as replaceable as you thought he'd be. It was like he had purchased a permanent residence in your heart and even when he had gone, it was hard to put out that residence up for sale. It was hard, extremely hard, to demolish the building.

Your phone beeped, it was a message from him. He had apologized. He was scared that he had made you uncomfortable, so he apologized. Your phone beeped multiple times. Just like Chu, he'd always apologize uncountable times for the smallest things and you'd always tell him to stop, because, honestly, not everything needs an apology, and he'd always apologize for apologizing too much. Your phone beeped again, the message read, “I'm sorry, my bad “. My bad? Exactly what Chu would say. “I'm sorry I apologize too much, I'm just scared of losing you over a silly mistake. My bad”. Messages like that, when they came from Chu, would always make you smile, but from this other guy, it made you scared. You couldn't tell if you were re-living life, just in another location and with another person, or was this person just Chu in disguise?

You went with the second option, because although it sounded weird, it somehow made you feel comfortable. So, you decided to see him as Chu in disguise. That way, it would be easy to love him, probably.

The first time Chu visited you. You had prepared Ofada stew. You smiled while watching him eat. He didn't complain of the excess pepper. He grew up in lagos too so he was probably used to peppery delicacies. After the food, you watched a movie with him. A movie about a Teddy bear with human abilities and you both laughed at how the Teddy in the movie looked exactly like the one laying lifeless on your bed. You watched with your side eye, how he tried to lay his head on your shoulder, you wished he would but he was nervous.

Now, just like that day, you watched this new guy walk into your house. You neither offered him food nor played a movie cause you feared that history would repeat itself so you sat some feet away from him. In no time, you found him trying to lay his head on your shoulder, you couldn't remember how it happened, so you thought to yourself, could this be fate? You concluded that it was fate, even though you had no idea exactly what fate means. You decided, from that day, to not try to stop anything. Qui sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. So, you let him. You watched him smile sheepishly as you slowly adjusted your shoulder to make him comfortable. You wondered how long this will last. For how long will you see him as Chu in disguise?

You couldn't forget how Chu would keep staring into your eyes. He didn't need to say anything, his eyes already spoke of how much he loved you, of how lucky he was to have you, and when he finally spoke, he’d say, “I can't believe we are this close. I can't believe you're my girlfriend. After how many years of asking you out. You were like that goal I thought I could never achieve. Ah! I’d never trade this for anything” You’d smile after he said that and the both of you would keep staring at each other till you’d playfully turn it to a staring contest. A staring contest that will end with your lips glued to his.

*

This other guy had sat on the bed, beside you. It was snowing heavily outside so even though you didn’t plan to stay for long, you just had too. Your eyes was fixed to the screen, you loved watching him play video games, not because you admired his gaming skills, because Chu was a lover of video games. A badass. Chu would have done it better. You’d always say in your mind at the end of every game. This very day, you watched from the window how the snow fell, so beautiful. The moment you turned your neck to face the screen again, his face was directly in front of us. His eyes was closed and he was reaching out to kiss you, you did the same. It wasn’t the first kiss you’ve had with him, but it was the best. It was different. It was very familiar. You stopped for a while and asked him why his mouth tastes sweeter than it used to. It was a very weird question to ask, but you asked anyways.

“The apples you got me yesterday, I just had them some minutes before you came” he said, looking into your eyes, smiling.

Apples? You remembered that day when you had gone to Chu’s place few minutes before a heavy rain started. You had stopped at a shop to get him fruits, you got apples. The moment you got to his house, the rain started. It felt cozy and you were happy because the rain was an excuse for you to stay longer. You watched him eat the apples. You combed your hands through his hair as you asked him how his day went. That day, he kissed you and it tasted like apples, you loved it even though you didn’t mention .

You made him wrap himself around you, using the cold as an excuse, you ordered him not to move an inch. He didn’t. He just patted your back as you fell asleep.

The moment you came back to face reality and looked into the eyes of this other guy, he was already holding your hands. “I love you, Achalugo” he said. “I love you, too”. You couldn’t say his name. You couldn’t say a name, cause if you had said one, it wouldn’t have been his. At this point, you looked deep into his eyes and you fully accepted that you didn’t love him for who he was but for who you wished he was, who he could never be. So you picked your bag, unlocked the doors quietly and walked home under the heavy snow.