Instructions for Remaining Serious in a Courtroom

Below is a practical guide for when you absolutely should not find something funny:

You do not plan to laugh. You are not trying to be disrespectful; you are not cruel. Still, there are moments when something is funny in the worst possible way, and your body reacts before your brain can stop it. This guide exists because laughing at the wrong time can cost you more than embarrassment. It can turn you into the problem instead of the situation.

Step 1: Identify the room.

Some rooms do not allow mistakes. Courtrooms are one of them. The ceiling is high. The silence feels enforced. Everything reminds you that you are not in control. You sit where you are told. You wait. You keep your reactions small. This is not a place for personality.

Step 2: Sit like you know what you are doing.

You place your hands in your lap. You keep your feet still. You face forward. Everyone else looks calm or trained. You tell yourself to act normal. Normal means invisible.

Step 3: Accept that laughter is not always about intent.

People like to pretend laughter is a choice. It is not always. Sometimes it comes from surprise, from contrast, from pressure. Sometimes something is just funny. The problem is not the humor. The problem is where you are when you notice it.

Step 4: Listen carefully, but not too carefully.

The judge speaks. The voice is steady and practiced. Then someone else answers. The answer is ordinary. Nothing inappropriate is said. No rule is broken. But the delivery catches you off guard. The timing feels wrong. The rhythm lands differently than expected. The seriousness of the room sharpens the contrast. You feel it immediately. It is funny.

Step 5: Panic internally.

Your chest tightens. Your lips press together. You think no. This is not happening. You look around. No one else reacts. Everyone else looks composed or uninterested. You are alone in this reaction. That makes it worse.

Step 6: Stop evaluating yourself.

This is not the time for guilt. You are not laughing because you are cruel. You are laughing because your body responds faster than your values. Understanding this does not stop the reaction, but it keeps it from turning into shame.

Step 7: Control the face.

Your face will betray you if you let it. You flatten it. You relax your eyebrows. You tighten your jaw. You become very still. You focus on looking empty rather than polite. Politeness can look suspicious.

Step 8: Anchor yourself in the body.

Press your feet into the floor. Curl your toes inside your shoes. Dig your nails into your palm. Focus on sensation. Thoughts are unreliable right now. Pain is useful. It keeps you present.

Step 9: Do not replay the moment.

Your brain will try to repeat the sound. It will offer the image again, louder this time. Do not take it. Each replay feeds the laugh. You let the thought pass without responding to it.

Step 10: Avoid eye contact.

Eye contact turns private failure into public one. If you meet someone’s eyes and they sense anything, you will lose control. Look straight ahead. Look down. Look at nothing.

Step 11: Swallow when it reaches your throat.

The laugh will rise. Your eyes may burn. Your breath may stutter. Swallow. Again. Press your lips together harder. Remind yourself that if you laugh, you will be remembered for it. This is usually enough.

Step 12: Think in consequences, not morals.

Do not think about what kind of person you are. Think about what will happen next. Think about silence breaking. Heads turning. The room changing shape around you. Fear works better than shame.

Step 13: Endure.

The moment passes because time moves forward whether you are ready or not. The questions continue. The room remains intact. No one notices what you almost did.

Step 14: Carry it with you.

Later, when you are alone, the laughter may come freely. It will be followed by embarrassment. You will promise yourself you will do better next time. You probably will not. You will just get better at holding it in.

If you follow these instructions correctly, no one will remember you.

In very serious moments, that is success.