Deceitful Above All Things

“Mama, tell me about our father,” Emma begged.

“Again?” she asked, smiling.

Mama pulled Emma into her lap, and held up her heart-shaped locket, opening it to reveal the tiny picture nestled inside. Her voice softened as she settled back to retell the story that had lulled Emma to sleep many a night.

“We met at a protest. I was there working as a medic, and he stumbled up to me for help. At first, all I could see was blood leaking from a gash on his forehead, but as I cleaned his face, I couldn’t help but notice his beautiful blue eyes. He couldn’t have been more than 5’7” and 130 pounds, but he had jumped in between a teenager and the three officers beating him with batons. I asked him why he would do something so dangerous, and he said he could live with the scars, but he couldn’t live with himself if he watched an innocent kid being beaten and did nothing. Between those eyes and his bravery, I was smitten. When he asked me if I wanted to get coffee sometime, I couldn’t say yes fast enough. Two months later, we moved in together.”

“That was fast,” Emma chimed in.

“Well, when you know, you know.” Mama replied. “We were meant to be together, so what’s the point in waiting around?”

“But how did you know?” asked Emma.

“Well, for one thing, we had so much in common. We both wanted the same thing - to do everything we could to make the world a better place. He believed that everyone deserved the same rights, the same opportunity to lead happy, fulfilling lives, and he didn’t just talk the talk, like so many other people I knew; he worked for it. I really admired him. For another thing, he was always so fun to be around. No matter what happened, he had a positive attitude. To put it simply, I was happy with him.”

“If he was so great, if you were so perfect for each other, then why are we here alone?” I demanded.

Mama looked at me, shocked. I had never spoken that way about him. In fact, I had never spoken to her that way at all. I was just so tired of hearing how wonderful he was while we had struggled to survive on our own for years. Emma was young enough to accept Mama’s glowing stories without question, but I had always been skeptical. If he was so perfect, why wasn’t he here? What kind of man would let his pregnant wife and daughter take off alone, especially in the world we live in now?

“Dani, honey, I told you - it’s complicated. I know it’s hard to understand, but I promise, it isn’t because he didn’t love us.”

I could feel my frustration threatening to boil over, so I stalked across the room and grabbed my coat off the hook by the door. “I need some air,” I said, as I stepped out onto the porch of our tiny cabin.

We were deep in the woods under a canopy so full the night was pitch black. Mama always seemed a little scared to be outside at night, but I found it peaceful. I had no memories of living among people. I was only a toddler when Mama moved us out to this tiny hunting cabin one of her uncles had owned. I found the solitude peaceful. I couldn’t imagine trying to think surrounded by the noise of people.

After a while, I heard Mama open the door.

“Emma is asleep,” she murmured. “Are you okay?”

I sighed. “Don’t you think I’m getting too old for ‘it’s complicated?’ I deserve to know why my own father didn’t care enough about me to come with us.”

“Oh, Dani, your father did care about you. He loved you more than anything, but you’re right, you deserve to know more. It’s just --”

“Please don’t say ‘complicated’ again!”

Nodding, she took a moment to compose herself.

“You know about the virus,” she said, “and how it killed almost 6 billion people, but what you don’t know is that it wasn’t the first. Two years before the pandemic that caused all this, there was another. It caused symptoms similar to the flu - headaches, body aches, a bad cough. The difference was, this virus had a higher mortality rate. At that time, it was the worst virus we had seen in generations. It killed hundreds of thousands in the US alone. Officials tried their best to slow the spread while scientists worked on a vaccine. They closed businesses and people were asked to leave their homes only when necessary. Anyone who did go out had to wear a mask. It changed life as we knew it. To make things worse, a huge percentage of the population didn’t believe the virus was as dangerous as the experts said. They refused to cooperate with the simplest recommendations. By the time a vaccine became available and the restrictions were finally loosened, people were tired - tired of wearing masks everywhere, tired of missing their families and friends, tired of all the sacrifices. “Pandemic fatigue” they called it. So when the news began reporting about a new virus, mere months after life had started getting back to normal, the pushback was unbelievable. As soon as officials hinted that the restrictions would be reinstated, there were protests - violent ones. By the time we realized how much deadlier this virus was, it was too late. It was devastating - more so because we had the knowledge of how to slow the spread. If nothing else, the past two years had prepared us for this very scenario, but so many people refused to do what was necessary. Millions died within the first few months - young, old, weak, healthy, it didn’t discriminate. Money and power didn’t help, and it wasn’t long before the government was wiped out.

All over the country there were groups dedicated to helping as many survivors as possible, and we got together in Atlanta with the goal of creating some sort of leadership structure. Your father was right there on the front lines. We were all traumatized by watching so many die, and we were angry knowing it could have been prevented, so it was understandable when the decision was made to force people to comply with safety measures. We had seen how much death was caused simply by people’s unwillingness to sacrifice their comfort. It would have been irresponsible to allow them to continue spreading a deadly illness just because they didn’t like being told what to do. I didn’t enjoy seeing people dragged into a cell for refusing to stay inside or wear a mask, but I understood. The problem was, that was just the beginning.”

“But if they were only punishing people who didn’t want to keep everyone safe, why did we have to leave? You weren’t like those people!”

“I wasn’t,“ Mama agreed, “but I was terrified by how quickly things had escalated. For some people power is intoxicating. I knew it wouldn’t be long until the rules became less about keeping everyone safe and more about people liking the way it felt to have control. I became suspicious when some of the people who had been most vocal about refusing to follow the safety protocols all of a sudden changed their tune and applied to become enforcers. It may have started reasonably, and for the greater good, but when I saw a man shot dead on the sidewalk in front of his children, I knew we had to get out.”

“Then why did my father stay behind?” I asked again. “Wasn’t he scared of the same thing?”.

“He was, and that’s why he had to stay. He felt responsible for the way things were turning out - he was the one who chose some of the new leadership. He couldn’t leave everyone else to suffer while he saved himself, even if it meant losing us. Just like when I first met him, he was willing to endure any pain if it meant sparing someone else. He couldn’t live with himself if he ran to save the four of us, but it meant 400 or even 4,000 might die. You see? It wasn’t that he didn’t love us. He loved us enough to stay and try to create a better world for everyone. Do you understand?”

“I guess so,” I replied, “but it’s been ten years. Why hasn’t he ever tried to find us?”

I could see pain like a shadow cross her face. “That, I can’t answer. I had hoped that things in Atlanta would improve and eventually he would find us, but I would never risk the safety we have here trying to find him. I have to accept that we may never know what happened to him.”

TWO MONTHS LATER:

“I hate when you leave,” Emma cried.

“I know, baby, but we are so low on supplies I can’t put it off any longer” Mama soothed.

Kissing us both goodbye, she stepped outside and waited until she heard me turn the deadbolts before heading off through the trees.

Just as I opened my mouth to ask Emma if she wanted to play a game, we heard a piercing shriek from the direction Mama had gone. Like we had practiced a hundred times, I grabbed Emma on my way to the trap door. Pulling back the rug, I lifted the section of floor and gestured for Emma to start down the ladder. I climbed in after her, letting the door fall shut and yanking the fishing line that would pull the rug back into place. I followed Emma down into the dark, straining to hear any noise from above. It wasn’t long before we heard shouts and pounding at the cabin door. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but the sound of the door crashing to the floor was unmistakable. I knew we didn't have long before someone found the trapdoor. Sure enough, I heard one of the men yell excitedly and the cellar was flooded with light from above. I watched as a pair of brown boots descended the ladder, and in seconds I was face to face with a bearded man.

“Well, look at this!” He said to someone above. “The boss sure is gonna be happy.”

I knew fighting would be pointless, so when he looked back at me and said “let’s go,” I started climbing.

“Where’s Mama?” Emma cried as we stepped back up into sunlight.

Gently shushing her, I grabbed her hand as beard-guy roughly shoved us toward the door.

“What are you going to do to us?” I asked.

“Same thing we do with every traitor we find - take you to Atlanta and put you to work. From the looks of this place, you girls have been living a pretty cozy life. Not very patriotic of you when all your sisters are doing hard labor for the good of this great country. But don’t worry - the boss’ll find the perfect jobs to toughen up those soft little hands of yours.”

“Hey, Boss! Look what we found!” Beard-guy shouted as he pushed us across the yard in the direction of a tall man. He was standing with his back to us staring down at something on the ground. It took a moment for me to register what he was looking at, but Mama’s long green coat came into focus, and I could see her blonde hair was streaked with red. Screaming, I ran towards them and fell at her side.

“Mama! No!” I cried, turning her bloodied face towards me. There was no life in her eyes. Sobbing, I laid my head on her chest.

“That’s enough,” a cold voice said from above. “Get yourself together.”

I wiped my eyes and looked up … straight into a face I had seen a hundred times, in Mama’s heart-shaped locket.