Decay of Time

Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. Seems a contingent supposition into the depths of my soul. I've got some territory to roam before I get to this place, I call my home. In space, in a vacuum, empty of thought, when you surrender to the unknowing. When you realize that all of that space is full of information, all that was known and will ever be known and when the vacuum pulls everything down out of you, right through your feet, be completely empty of it with nothing left to hold, and nothing to weigh you down, you can roll across the information of all time. As I let go of my own will and desires so I can be free of its perspective and see the real beauty of my own divinity. For how can I turn down its eternal love and not except the gift it wills for me.

As I gaze up through these trees, I also gaze back down from the heavens above, all reflecting back through my own personal perspective. This union is a collaborative dance between all the parts of my being. I feel that universe inside me that I'm gazing out into, and I wonder then where I must look that I might catch my own eyes looking at me from opposite infinities. Except! I'm not really there... I'm very confused to be honest. I'm pretty sure though, that I'm aboard a space vessel, not in a forest, but voyaging into a prestigious new era to colonize the galaxy. Me and the rest of my crew are frozen in cryogenics, for how long? I have no clue.

Growing old in that life before the mission in a time when people were learning the importance of looking within. I felt it was never foolish to gaze and wonder, up and out, far into the heavens. It's still one of my favorite memories. The cosmos above is equally important. It's wonder with the inner work combined, is binocularly exhilarating. I like to practice multitasking so that I can perceive them simultaneously. Wandering off into the cosmos at the same time that I gaze intensely into my personal depths. I can't remember much of what that life was before. I remember training for this mission, some, and I don't recall being briefed on any possible problems while in the hibernation cycles that involved consciousness while my whole body was frozen.

Often, I try to remember specifics about my life. Where had I lived? Who were my friends and loved ones? My mind felt sluggish. How long have I been like this? I could remember the interior of this ship well though, that was for certain. It was a comfortable place in my imagination. A perfect replica I could walk through checking stations and running diagnostics just as I was trained. My consciousness snapped abruptly. Seemingly to drifting slowly back from the most distant recesses of the universe, coalescing subtly, discreet and quiet. So much that I would be full on ranting on some totally obscure subject before thinking, where did I come from? What's going on here? Then I'd have to rediscover my situation all over again. I often imagined checking on my own cryo unit. did I imagine it? Maybe I was a ghost? Or just plain and insane.

While I drift way out here in the middle of nothingness, I wonder many things as it's my nature to over think in a universe of thought that has so much to be philosophized. So, I wonder about these things that we say and the possibility that the universe could indeed evaporate out of existence. Slowly dissipate away forever and ever. Does that mean I can die like this? It seems so far away and distant. Like when I was a young child becoming aware of old age and the impertinent unstoppable decay of time. Knowing that one day I would most certainly die. I have never felt fear for the death of my body. I was dead once before. I'm surprising even to myself. I wasn't at all scared. In fact, it was a place I was very accustomed to as my life so far had been quite brief. I don't believe I had yet become fully aware and conscious of my own existence. The place I came from before I was born was still fresh in my mind. I knew my way around, and that there were souls there that could help me. It's a place teaming with angels, but I'd have to convince them to help me. I kind of had to outsmart them to get an audience with God. Angels are great but so structured and used to routine they kept telling me things like, "that's not standard procedure" and "gods busy. Besides everybody dies, you learn to except it." They found out I wasn't one to just accept Anything.

It seems sometimes perhaps I am indeed laying there in a forest. Where the dim shade's blushing out of the night. It seems so real to me as though I could just stand up, walk off into the thought with no memory of all the other weird, wonderful, and bizarre experiences I've had. Ever since so long ago I can't remember a beginning. In these moments, empty of awareness, there's something. I can feel it, in my heart, that's so important, so precious to me. It's the only thing constant in what seems like some kind of hallucination. Was I trippin? no. I was on a trip, to find what was behind That most beautiful feeling that couldn't let me go.

In this realm where angels and ancestors abound, I knew many things. Then I realized I felt them deeply. There were others, so many amazing souls lost and suffering out there in the universe. I wanted to help them. I knew there was a way. I just didn't know how. I decided I would try my best. As soon as I did so the ancestors showed me much love and support. It was as if I spent many lifetimes there practicing and training with them learning and absorbing it all. God granted me a second chance. For I had died before I even got to meet my Lover! He cried when i told him my story. It was her I felt out there. A vision from the future, or a distant memory, another life, or even in another world. The most amazing thing I've ever felt. I deduced from this experience perhaps her soul inhabited my heart. It's like we were one, or our souls were connected like smoke and fire. Together our heat could raise us up outa anything as we spiral and the intense heat sears us together into an immaculate pair of wings that beat the air, soaring together forever.

Everything seems to be going haywire on the ship. Routine diagnostics underway, there seems to be a problem with the system. Maybe we have been going off course for a very long time and where we have ended up isn't clear to me because I can't trust the data. The hibernation readout says I am suspended on ice still. Nothing else seems to be working and jokingly I say. "Well might as well wake myself up!" Punching in the sequence. My rebellious tantrum against the hopelessness and confusion of my situation thought the whole thing just need a good kick in the reboot. I raised my hand about to slam the command and shout obscenities.

Looking into that glowing blue indicator on the panel instantly alchemized my spirit into that of compassion. That deep blue light reminded me of the sky over the ocean at a beach somewhere. I was young then and my mission for the day was to collect as many seashells as I could, so that I would never forget my girl. This thought froze my hand from hitting the unfreeze me command. I couldn't remember her, and I kept forgetting other stuff as well. In that frozen moment in the space of my empty mind I noticed the constant beeping alert going off which has been going off since I can't remember. I just hadn't noticed as it was constant, and I had gone deaf to it. It was the long-range sensors at another station. I went to attend to it forgetting the view of that horizon which I scanned and studied looking for something coming. I felt it out there swimming the impossible, just to help me, and I hoped that I'd make it.

I wasn't alone. I was part of something greater than myself. I felt a deep love from another that pushed me on. We reflected each other perfectly beating the ether, forever climbing. This feeling carried me while I was in the afterlife. I absorbed lifetime after lifetime of knowledge, because when I come back to life I wanted to be prepared for anything. It was such a sweet love and so impressive. Like a tiny silver thread that passes directly through my hearts dimension into another's. I absorbed every last bit of information I could use. Until I reached the edge of the universe. There I tugged hard on that lifeline. From that distance, gaining that much speed, the nothingness that is my soul was able to gain enough force, on impact, to bring me back to life for a chance to feel her sunshine again.

I wonder about the things we say. like prepare for the worst expect the best and be happy and grateful throughout. I wore all that I could know as my armor. All that I gathered and was given me, I carried for my weaponry. All that had been gifted enveloped me wherever the trail mark tufted. Imbibing a constant source of magic I lit the path ahead. I was prepared and I pressed on into the night. prepared for my journey of overcoming. It's going to be a fight.

The first challenge before me was crossing the dessert. Upon reaching the other side, my resources tapped, I crested the mountain ridge, tasted the pungent flavor of salt water in the air. A vista of vastness from horizon to horizon of the ocean that dominated it. I journeyed straight for it, till the waves crashed in the surf about me. There I dropped to my knees weary from my travels. Feeling so much loss and defeat from the realization of "how am I going to swim with this armor?" Then, With great trepidation, I lay down my sword and all of my weaponry. I'm forced to discard it all. Every burden, If it pulls me down to a suffocating death, it's no good to me. Might as well leave it right here in the sand.

My consciousness snapped. I was all of nothingness every piece of it. So far away from myself I had no thoughts, but slowly there was coalescing. it fizzled my awareness did, and it popped, and I was back in another unfamiliar episode of whatever crazy space travel loop phenomenon I was stuck in. This consciousness was neither in a forest nor frozen in ice. Upon walking through the back door into my house. I feel the spider web on my body and walk right through it.

"What a great place to build your web Mr. spider. If insects could use doorknobs." I chuckle.

"You look tasty." I imagine it's reply.

"I'm not and insect. You can't eat me. Your tiny and your web won't hold me." I retort.

"I can feast on your blood." I imagined it proclaimed.

"Don't you dare bite me. I will squash you just like [slap hands together] that. Whatever now go on how about you build your web somewhere else preferably outside."

No wait this isn't right I had important stuff to do, there was a beautiful woman. I'm arguing with a spider, and I have a journey to complete. They say you only get one life to live, they are clearly mistaken I think. Ok where was I? Something I have to remember? A very important journey! Oh right I was checking the alarm at station seven. The display shows that there was a habitable planet within range. Doubtful, I spend a considerable amount of time checking the system, rebooting, and running the scan thrice to be sure. I was so excited! I couldn't wait to tell the crew. Then it hit me. I'm not even real. This must be some kind of matrix. No! Me and the rest of the crew are in suspended animation. Quickly, I moved to the appropriate station. Seeing the code to reanimate my own body already punched in I slammed that button as I remembered what it took to come back to life once before. My mind fizzled and my thoughts shrunk till they were to small to grasp.

All my tools, my armor, my weaponry, all that I forged and built with my own hands, and I just laid it down, buried it under a sarsaparilla tree. I built it once I can build it again. Perhaps I can call it all back to me, or maybe learn how to return here in one giant stride. But do I have to die for that? I leave it knowing that if I needed a way, I would find one.

So, I wadded off into the waves where I began swimming out into the ocean of my life. Year after year, doing the best I could, while naked in the cold vastness of that abysmally unfathomable depth. The sun blistered me, and the wind brought storms that crashed their waves. Threatening and terrible all around me, but even they couldn't drown me. Time passed and constant challenges pressed down on me. I forgot many things. I forgot even the desert that had tried to singe the marrow right outa my bones. I forgot my armor and everything that I had no choice but to leave behind. I even forgot about all the ancestors and friends who helped me prepare so that I could make this journey.

But there's one thing you can never forget, the feeling in your heart, the purity of true love. I didn't know what that meant. I forgot something else as well, but I knew I had to keep swimming. To this day I swim on, exhausted and hungry. I may have accomplished great things as I paddled but if I don't get to see my girls smiling face again, I don't know if I'll feel that it's all worth it. Maybe lots of gurus would say you can't live for somebody else. I would fight them. Because I never could have made it this far if it hadn't been for that someone else's love constantly calling my soul back home.