Dear Ouija Enthusiasts

Dear Ouija Enthusiasts (humans),

Halloween season is upon us, and as usual, many of you fools will venture upon Ouija encounters. While my comrades and I have no objections, due to last season's hike in spirit board related fatalities, we decided to put our thirst for naive souls aside momentarily and issue a one-time set of guidelines, outlining specific dos and don'ts, followed by a non-exhaustive list of repercussions for adamant opposers.

Listen, if you like, or not, but rest assured, if you choose the latter, we will hawk you down, one way or another, making you wish you never laid hands on the planchette.

Before proceeding, the first and foremost knowledge one needs to bear in mind is that OUIJA IS NOT A GAME! And we detest the money-making schemes of popular companies; Parker Brothers, we see you! Nonetheless, humans always have and will continue doing foolish things, but play with us, and you will not win. Born in sin, come on in!

Rules

• Do not touch the planchette before cleansing your space.
• Do not use Ouija alone.
• Always ask to whom you are speaking.
• Choose your questions wisely, asking permission after each inquiry.
• Don't ask stupid fucking questions.
• Be careful when asking for proof or validation of spirit.
• Do not taunt, argue, threaten, or challenge Ouija.
• Always close with appreciation and ground your being.

Now, for all the dumb asses out there who insist on not adhering to our rules.

Play with us and you won't win. Born in sin, come on in

Possible repercussions for not abiding by the rules

• Don't want to clear your space, light candles, burn incense, and say prayers- cool! We can use this opportunity to suck your soul slowly through a straw, not quite swallowing, spitting it back out. Think: a cat playing with a mouse before pouncing for the final kill.
• Go ahead, use Ouija alone, if you want to end up in a white jacket in a padded room, drooling over yourself.
• Don't respect us and ask who you are speaking to, and we will haunt your dreams with blood-curdling screams.
• Foolish questions lacking permission might result in a lifetime of misdirection, where you relive your greatest fear over and over.
• Ask stupid fucking questions, and we will narrate your existence moot. No one will ever take you seriously again.
• Word the need for proof of spirit carefully. Want movement, ask for a breeze. Explosive requests might result in us reducing your home to rubble.
• Taunt, argue, threaten, or challenge us, and we torture you and your loved ones from the inside out.
• No closing prayer or grounding? Great, now we are bound to you for life. Expect payment of dues at our discretion.

Best of luck to you all! I predict half will listen, and half will falter. Trust me, my comrades and I count on the latter. We aim to break last year's record and hope you toy with us.

Born in sin, come on in!

-unidentified entity

....

Author's note:

I borrowed the line "Born in sin, come on in," from Stephen King's Storm of the Century. Somehow, it popped into my mind while writing my letter.

Thanks for reading, and please remember, Ouija is not a game! I have experience with this, both good and bad, but those are stories for another day.