Cycle

As soon as I ring the doorbell, all I hear is, “Aunt June-Aunt June!”

I don’t know how my niece, May, always knows who’s at the door, but I love it. I expect to be greeted by a warm bundle of joy, one I’ll squeeze with my cold sleeves until they beg me to stop. However, when the door opens…

“Happy Thanksgiving, June.”

It’s below thirty; the smile I had for May is frozen to my face, prompting the unexpected guest to respond in kind. Little do they know, there’s a grimace behind this mask.

“Mom—”

It’s a miracle I even get that much out with how May corrals me; I’m barely able to kick off my wet boots before I’m taken to the living room. Aunt Sarah’s, our host’s, precious wool carpet is littered with toys and coloring books.

My mother sits down Indian style beside May, not something she did when my brother and I were kids. She’s in an awfully joyous mood, one I hope she doesn’t expect me to match because of our miscommunication earlier.

May pouts when I sit on the couch, frostbitten coat and all.

“Here Auntie,” she insists, patting a space she cleared for me on the carpet, right next to my mother.

“Oh, I’m alright sweetie, you two have your fun,” I say, the whole time avoiding eye contact with my mother.

“Good to see you, June,” she says.

I nod.

The awkward silence’s cut by my shriek as Aunt Sarah, wide hipped and vice gripped, bends my ear.

“You come in my house, fresh out the snow, and sit on my couch in that wet coat? Hang it up and come help me in the kitchen.”

May cracks up and I obey.

“So, you too grown to sit on my carpet now, June?”

“Sarah come on,” I suck my teeth, “it isn’t like that.”

“What’s it like then?”

“Look, I don’t know what you expected when you invited us all here, but you know how your sister and I are.”

“I know I won’t tolerate any drama from my sister,” she stirred a pot, “or her kids. Especially from the one who wet up my couch.”

“That was—” Sarah’s glare stops my excuse in its tracks. “I hear you.”

I get started on the potatoes while I watch the spectacle in the other room. “They’ve got May’s toys all over the place,” I scoff, Sarah rolling her eyes.

“And you’ve got a problem with that? She’s a kid.”

“I don’t, but you know why I can’t help but notice? Your sister would lose it if she found one toy outside our rooms growing up, and God help us if she ever tripped over one.”

Sarah checks on the turkey before she scoots so I can put the potatoes in the pot of boiling water. She reclines against the sink, arms folded, staring at the ceiling. My aunt’s a beautiful woman, but for a moment I saw her age.

“Sue and I, we—It wasn’t easy growing up in Mama’s house back then. We were broke; if it didn’t make money, it didn’t make sense to her, not after Daddy died.

“I was a little older than May is now when Mama had us help make and sell dinners. Years later, when all the high school kids picked their fun jobs, Mama had us at her restaurant. She still expected us to get straight As, mind you. Mama worked us to the bone and herself half to death.

“We haven’t gathered like this in forever because I’ve hated cooking, and June I’m damn good at it. Whenever I picked up a knife, I don’t know, I just remembered the little girl that said she wouldn’t slave over a kitchen when she got older.”

Neither Sarah nor my mother ever spoke candidly about their upbringing. Sarah’s youthful glow returns as she laughs at the shock on my face.

“That’s crazy Sarah, I know times were rough, but Grandma was so sweet and patient whenever we spent the summer with her.”

“Sweet and patient,” she chuckles. “To y’all, maybe. Something about grandkids takes the bite out of a person. It seems to have done that for Sue, and hey I’m cooking dinner, so I guess she's rubbed off on me.”

Sarah rubs my back. “Listen here, I’m telling you this because you’re a lot like me. I used to hold onto a lot of pain because I carried a lot of love. Took me a while to figure out you can have one without the other.

“We both know this isn’t about toys on the floor. Don’t wait until little May gets some kids of her own before you start moving on.”

Sarah seals those words into me with a kiss on the forehead, then she hits me on my behind.

“Now get back to those potatoes, I’m tired.”

Dinner is practically finished when everyone starts showing up. Sarah’s new boyfriend, Bryan, is the first to arrive. Not only is this our first time meeting him, but I think he’s nervous with everyone else being so much more tan than he is; we’re taking good care of him.

A short while after, we’re joined by our great uncle Robbie. Despite being well into his seventies, Robbie’s as spry as they come. He’s accompanied by two of his great grandsons: a pair of twins. Sarah and my mother were overjoyed when those boys were born, up until then everyone always mistook the sisters for the family twins.

Everyone gravitates to May and she takes it upon herself to introduce them to Bryan. While no one complains about the toys, they do their damnedest to avoid stepping on one.

May kicks up a storm when my younger brother, Aiden, arrives with his wife. I go back in the kitchen to finish cooking and I feel his eyes burning holes into my back.

I hear him sniff and rub his hands as he comes into the kitchen.

“I don’t know what I love more, Aunt Sarah or her damn food,” he says.

“Act like you don’t see me stirring this pot.”

“Act like you don’t see me stirring this pot,” he mocks.

I threaten him with a ladle of hot gravy and he opens the fridge, using the door as a barricade.

“You seem alright,” he says. “Being back here all by yourself I thought I’d catch you in one of your moods.”

“I’m fine, just feels like there’s a stranger in the living room, that’s all.”

“Right? He’s kind of big, if he starts acting out of line I don’t know if I can take him.”

“What?”

“Huh?”

“Boy, what the hell are you talking about?

“I’m talking about ol' boy out there, what are you talking about?”

“Mom, you nitwit.”

“Oh. Oh…”

It gets quiet for a minute. The twins come in and out the kitchen for wine and hors d'oeuvres before Aiden speaks again.

“I get it; seeing Mom with May was a shock for me too, like night and day. Funny thing is, when I pointed that out to her, she was just as surprised as me.

“Honestly, she cooled off a lot after you left. I don’t know June, growing up wasn’t sugar and rainbows, but Mom’s got her own demons too, you know?”

“After I left,” I laugh.

“You know what I meant.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“That.”

“I’m not doing anything; you’re just not calling it for what it was. As usual.”

“June… I’m not doing this with you. You and I agreed we’d break the cycle, yet here you go again. You got issues with Mom? Y’all sort it out. The two of us were just fine a minute ago, so can we please not do this?

May whirls into the kitchen before I can respond.

“Auntie, I’m hungry.”

“Well excuse us little one, grown folks were talking,” I respond.

“That’s what Uncle Robbie told me to say,” May shrugs.

Aiden and I laugh.

“Well let’s not keep anyone waiting,” I tell her.

May runs back into the living room and I slug my brother right in his shoulder.

“Whoa, what was that for?”

“Who told you to go and get so mature, huh?”

“Kid, wife, college, didn’t have much of a choice,” he sighs.

The head chef for the evening insists everyone help set the table, except herself, of course. There’s a shared excitement to dig in, the food smells delicious, Sarah beams with pride and satisfaction before anyone takes a bite.

May demands I sit next to her, so I end up between my niece and my mother. We used to eat around a table when I was young, but I don’t think I ever sat right next to her. Everyone holds hands to say grace, my mother just grabs mine.

“Hey June,” she said sweetly.

“Hey Ma.”

I can’t return her smile, I look away and catch Aiden staring at us from across the table before I bow my head.

I don’t know who’s praying, and with my eyes closed, my mother’s hand might as well be a stranger’s. Her skin soft, no trace of the iron grip that raised me, I try to ease out of it. May's, literally on the other hand, is so tiny and warm, I have to caress it.

As I push to May I’m pulled faintly by my mother, the hold's broken with a roll of the shoulder just before the prayer ended, before I could make a scene.

Dinner’s going well; the food is great and everyone’s getting along, including Bryan. However, my neck's stiff from facing one side of the table for so long. To the other side of me is my mother, hovering like a bird, watching me eat, listening to me talk. I’ve never had so much attention, not even on dates.

Robbie starts to reminisce. Mama, my grandmother, was everyone’s mother, even to her siblings, so we all relate. They’re all interesting, both the stories I’ve heard and the ones I haven’t before.

My mother's focus on me suddenly breaks when Sarah starts talking about Mama; she withdraws into herself. She puts on her masks; a smile for onlookers, a laugh for jokes, eyes for somber moments. I remember them all, back when I was picked up from school, at the dinner table, etc.

“Auntie? Is Grandma okay?” May whispers.

What the hell am I supposed to do here? Lie and mock my niece’s intuition or explain to her how someone can be present yet not here at all?

“I need a minute honey, I’ll be back,” I tell her.

I go through the kitchen and out on the back porch. I want to smoke, but I'm worried about May following or Sarah strangling me. Instead, I just watch my breath take shape while I hug myself.

“Just needed some air,” I say when the screen door opens.

“I had the same idea, you beat me to the punch,” my mother says, my coat in hand.

“You’re just full of surprises today, huh Ma?”

The wind howls, it slices through my sweater, but not this tension. Eventually, I turn to go inside and she speaks.

“I’m sorry June. I know I haven’t been the best mother.”

Her next words fall on deaf ears.

“Here we go again,” I say to myself.

Whenever I think I’m over the past, I'm reminded of how much I never get off my chest…

“Just stop. You’ve been unapologetic thus far, no need to change now. Save that for Aiden, I’m good.”

“June,” she touches my back and I shrug her off.

“No, hell no. This damn boy gets a girl pregnant, and you supported him. He wanted to go college, and you supported him. But for some strange reason, when I had a pregnancy SCARE a couple of years before that, I ended up on the street. I get he’s your favorite, but damn…

“Do you know how embarrassing it is to ask your friend if you can spend the night, then show up on their doorstep with a suitcase? Unless you’re going to explain that to me, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”

“June, I wasn’t ready to be a mom when I had you. Your father and I, we were basically kids ourselves and—

“I said save it!”

I didn’t want to yell, let alone put our business out on Front St. for the family. My head starts pounding, then I realize I’ve pricked my hands with my own nails.

I can’t waltz back inside now, and I can’t bare the sight of her. I take a seat and finally light myself that cigarette. My mother sits beside me, my coat wrapped in her arms; I don’t ask for it, and I’m too cold to ease away from her.

“I never wanted to be a mother or a wife. But I was the oldest, and Mama was big on us settling down early, so I always felt the pressure.

“Your father and I had just starting seeing each other when I got pregnant. We were still figuring each other out, heck, figuring ourselves out. He did the responsible thing at the time and stuck with me.

“Back then, in the south, it was a stain to have children out of wedlock, at least for the woman. Mama wouldn’t allow me to stay in her house after that. Your father and I got hitched; we moved away before you were born.

“A few years later, Aiden came along. Your father had dreams; for sticking around, I let him pursue them without a fuss. Your father was great, but he was busy trying to make something of himself. Then he died, he died so early Aiden barely remembers him…

“The only way I knew how to raise kids was the way Mama did it. I’m not blaming her, or your father, I’m just…”

She pauses to wipe her eyes.

“Before I knew it, y’all were older, and there I was, not knowing much about either of you. Not Mama, though; she got more involved when your father passed. She only had y’all during the Summer, but she knew you both through and through.

“She’d nitpick how I took care of you two, but had no issue with whatever y’all did at her house. That’s just how it is, we get it wrong the first time around and try to make it right with our grands. Mama did it, my grandma did it, and now I’m doing it.”

She takes a deep breath.

“When you told me you thought you were pregnant… I was disappointed. Not in you, in me. Mama grew up too fast, I grew up too fast, and while I never wanted that for you… felt like I was letting it happen all over again. So, I pushed you away.

“Not a day went by that I didn’t regret it, and I still do. I prayed for a chance to go back and handle things differently, so when your brother came to me and said he and his girlfriend were with child… I took it as an answer to my prayers.

“I know you don’t want an apology, Lord knows I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but—”

I think I was crying the entire time, but it’s only after the apology that I start sobbing. My head in my hands, I feel my mom envelop me; I let her.

We sit on the porch for a while, feet in the snow, my head in my mother’s lap. There are still things I want to get off my chest, things I might say later, but I just want one night to end where I’m not angry.

I hear footsteps, the screen door creaks opens and two shadows are cast over us.

“Daddy, is Auntie okay?”

“Yeah, she’s alright,” Aiden says, stepping back inside and closing the door.