Crave the Worship

Her essence spins me out

Keep focus

Keep focus

Center yourself

Center yourself

Dive the root chakra deep into the earth below

Ground yourself

Ground yourself

Keep your eye focused to one center part

So you don't fall

Fall deep into the essence of her

It was the way she moved; an energetic burst, an intoxicating feeling that you just couldn’t help but to be around. The gravity and despair felt in her absence was oh-so revolting.

They met one fall night.

Jade wasn’t expecting to meet Nola that chilly evening. She was still talking about her ex; the one that you just can’t quite kick, the one that her friends would roll their eyes over every time she brought her up. Jade didn’t even want to fathom giving her soul to another. But then in the quiet chatter of the evening, between the flames of the bonfire, Nola walked in. They locked eyes. And her whole life shifted.

Jade was no stranger to energetic shifts. As a child, she could read people before they even spoke. Her gifts were far from crafted, and her friends would call her a little bit of chaos with a heart that would lay down and bear it all for love. She translated her gifts through her art as a talented painter. Blending colors you could only dream of, Jade would allow all of her energy to flow through the brush, creating the most beautiful paintings worthy of a place in palaces among kings and queens.

Nola was an artist herself, she had the gift of spoken word. They would later lie there together and Nola would speak of the world's existence. Some nights would never end and they would speak until the sun came up.

Their love is something people would make movies about. Magnetic and alluring, they could hardly keep their eyes (and hands) off of each other. Jade had a habit of blending into others, and would do anything to keep her love happy, mostly to her own demise. Nola was strong, a different breed, she looked at their existence objectively and needed every little thing to line up. She had goals, she had a plan. Nola wasn't going to let anything get in the way of that, even if that meant losing Jade. Those who knew Nola knew she was different with Jade in her life. She made her softer, cracked her open and made her question if she was making a mistake while standing in her rigidity. Nola was leaving for the military in three months. So time was ticking ever so quietly in the background. They tried to hush it, distract it. But the ticking got louder and they stopped talking about the world's existence and started talking about their existence together and more heavily apart.

Let us not get confused

Love does not leave

It doesn't get lost

It doesn't get broken

Love at its capacity

Which is always the highest

Transforms

Grows

Deepens

But just sometimes it is just within yourself

The day Nola left was the day everything changed for Jade. Longing got louder and she’d do just about anything to quit feeling Nola in her bones. As much as she wanted to say the word “stay” she knew she could not. The only thing that Jade believed in stronger than love were Nola’s dreams and desires, and she wasn’t going to be the one standing in her way. So she focused on her spiraled out mind. Fixed it to one spot, and spun out into her art. Her friends would begin to get worried for her. Weeks went by with no call or text. Weeks went by with just Jade, her brush and her broken, shattered heart. Days would look the same for Jade. She’d wake up only to the sound of her overwhelming thoughts. Throw on a pot of coffee, smell her shirt to see if she needed to actually shower that day, and then go into her studio. Her sadness poured out on every canvas. They were beautiful works of art but you could feel the shift of mood by looking at them.

Her days never-ending, repeating the same monotonous day until one day about six months after her love's departure she woke up. She woke up, looked at her sunken eyes and lifeless skin and something in her head told her to stop. It was time. Time to heal, time to love herself again without having to have another. So, her days changed. She called her friends that she hadn’t seen in months, responded to calls and texts and refocused her life. She decided from then on that she wanted her art to make people feel but not feel that sadness that she felt. She couldn't bear the thought of having another feel how she felt. So, she regrouped. Threw out everything that brought her pain and sorrow. Cleaned her apartment from head to toe. And took her first step out of the fog that she had put herself in. She had a plan. Every morning she was going to wake up and control her thoughts to what she wanted most in life. To inspire others through her paintings. She decided she was going to wake up at 5:00 a.m., meditate for an hour, drink lemon water and go for a walk outside. She committed to herself like she had never done before. She was excited for these new ideas but part of herself was worried she’d slip back into the pain.

You were slipping finally

Out of focus

Out of frame

A quiet peace

A hushed longing

But one day there you were

Snapped back

In frame

Back in focus

Longing got louder

And the peace disappeared

Three years later, Jade was getting ready for the moment she had been waiting for her whole life, her gallery opening. It felt to her that she hadn't even worked that hard to get here. Art always came so easy, it poured out of her veins. It was the only way she knew how to comprehend the world. How to tame her emotions. The hard part was the event. Sharing her soul with so many new faces and especially the old ones. She invited all her friends and was hopeful everyone would show up and just as hopeful no one would show up at all. Jade already set up everything the night before and it was all ready for everyone to enter. Every last painting was perfectly placed. The paintings told a story of love, loss and connection. They were hard to even look away from. The event started at 6:00, and Jade expected to get there at 6:30, not wanting to arrive on time. She wanted to make sure she didn’t have to see any disappointment in people’s faces. Let them see the art for a bit, absorb it, and then lie to her about how great it was.

As she opened the gallery door, Jade instantaneously knew Nola was there. Racing thoughts followed shortly thereafter. When did she get back? Why didn’t anyone tell me she was coming? Is she alone? Does she feel me too? Does she miss me?

Stop this ridiculousness, she told herself silently.

Breathing and grounding her thoughts, Jade walked into the room. It was 6:40. Nola stood as beautiful as ever, though in the middle of a conversation. From a distance, she looked different and worn, but not particularly aged. Glancing quickly over, mid-breath, Nola saw Jade, too. The world spun around, and there they were - snapped back in focus.

See the problem is my love

I'll let you burrow deep inside me

I'll let you find your home

I’ll let you worship me between the sheets

I’ll let you pray for one more day

But the day you decide you don’t believe in me anymore

I will shatter

Crave the worship again

Crave another day

Crave you seeing the home in me

But those shattered pieces will glimmer

And another one will find a way

To worship me another day