Courage

The second first time? A concept I had never thought of. Until now.

It had been a little over five years since his passing. Someone who impacted my life in a way I had never expected. To say it was the best relationship in my life would be a misconception of what actually was. It was, however a time of growth and awareness. He was someone I knew from my childhood and as faith would have it, our paths had crossed again. It was beautiful at moments but tumultuous on many counts. His passing was unexpected and transformatively impactful.

To say it took me a while to find me again would be an understatement. There are still moments in time when I still ask myself, who am I? But then again, don't we all?

But, then that is a story for another time.

It is an evening I shall never forget. He asked me to dance. Ok, it was just another dance with another new person. But. I quickly realized that it was not just another dance. Upon the ending of the song, I walked away. Why did it feel different as I walked away? I quickly cast aside any of the thoughts that were trying to harbor residence within my head.

I did not think about him again, until the following evening. We crossed paths, quite unexpected for me. He spoke to me, but for a brief moment. However, long enough for me to ask, who was this man? Why did it feel as if I knew him?

They say it takes courage to begin again. Caught between creating new beginnings, a renewal of faith and believing that there is always a reason why two people come together when they do, but a second first time?

That following evening, there was still a fight within me to fight off the curiosity that enveloped my thoughts and fought to reside within my mind. But to no avail. I looked forward to seeing him again.

We crossed one another quite often after that evening for we both took classes at the same dance studio. Funny thing is, to this day, I often wonder where did he come from? He had been there all along but as fate would have it, I did not become aware of this gentleman until the universe felt I was ready. He made me feel unusually comfortable. It felt as if I knew him from another time. My question always was, who was this man? Why did I feel so comfortable around him.

We did not really speak until about a month after that dance, although we always greeted one another when we saw one another, we had never had a real conversation.

Courage, some how, I mustered up the courage to say 'hello' as I sat next to him and inquire about a video he had recorded of me dancing with a fellow student.

We spoke that day for quite a bit and then after class. I was afraid, but yet, it felt right. It felt comfortable. That was the beginning of what I never saw coming.

We began to see one another and speak to one another frequently. It was scary how quickly things manifested. I felt as if he knew me, he saw me, he heard me, and I saw him. Without warning, walls that I had worked so hard to put up, came crashing down.

Becoming a vulnerable being was not in my nature! I fought it, but before I knew it my heart was his. He held it. He held it in a way, I had never experienced or thought possible. With every step I took, fear was a battle. He quickly showed me, that he was here not to fight me, but express and share something I did not see as possible from another human.

It wasn't until him, that I realized what I had been missing. Throughout my entire life, I felt that I needed to always hold back. I wasn't supposed to express my emotions. I was to accept things as they were for life was just life. He showed me otherwise.

It is through him, who I discovered a me that had been hiding all along. I finally saw me. I became me in a way that I did not deem possible.

The second first time? With a courage of a thousand lions, I embarked on a journey that has not only taken me to a second first time but to a place of many first times.

Oh is it perfect? Shall we ask, is anything ever perfect? No. But together...

We are perfectly imperfect and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So is there a Second first time for all of us who find ourselves as skeptics? For I too was a skeptic...

Believe, close your eyes and allow that courage within you to surpass that skepticism, for yes!

Maybe there is a second first dance in all of us, a second chance for romance. Maybe there is such a thing as a Second first time.