Cottage Weekend

My roommate Esme turns the key in the lock of her parents’ cottage. I thought the outside was nice, but the interior is like something out of a magazine. High ceilings, tall glass windows overlooking the lake, and a brick fireplace in the center of the living room.

“Whoa. This is – ,” Jade doesn’t finish her sentence. She just stares off into space.

“When you said your family had a cottage, I didn’t think you meant one straight out of Log Home Living,” Devya spurts out.

Esme blushes. Her family is wealthy, yes. But it’s not something she likes to show off.

As her college graduation gift, she was given the keys and told to invite a handful of friends. There will be six of us this weekend. Out of everyone in the group, there’s only one I haven’t met yet; the new guy Esme’s been seeing.

Esme can be very secretive about the people she dates. She doesn’t like introducing them to friends right away, in case things don’t work out. But it’s been three months now and she is finally introducing him to the group, so she must really like this one.

“Alright, alright. Everyone, choose your rooms and unpack your things,” Esme brushes off the unwanted commentary. “We’ve got a fire to build.”

I don’t have many things to unpack. I change into a sweater, grab my flip flops, and make my way into the kitchen. Esme has laid out an array of marshmallows, chocolate bars, and graham crackers on the counter. The sky has darkened considerably since we’ve arrived, which couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes ago.

“Are you sure your boyfriend’s finding his way OK?” I ask Esme. “It’s getting pretty dark…”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Esme interjects. “I mean, maybe he will be someday. I don’t know. It’s undecided.”

“Hey, no judgment here,” I say with my hands up. “We’re just excited to finally meet someone you like. But that doesn’t mean we have any expectations about it, OK?”

Esme lets out a deep breath. “OK. I’m just a little nervous, you know? I’ve had so many bad experiences in the past where I would introduce someone new to all my friends… only for everything to blow up weeks or days later, making me look like a complete idiot.”

I know exactly what she’s referring to. Not only have we been roommates for the past two years, but she’s been my best friend all throughout college. I place my hand on her shoulder. “Esme, listen. You’re not an idiot for liking someone, or for giving them a chance. And you’re definitely not an idiot for wanting to see if they jive with your friends. No one is a future teller here. Besides, you could dump this guy tomorrow and I still won’t judge you for it.”

“And what if he dumps me tomorrow?”

“Then I’ll hunt him down myself and make him pay for ruining our lakeside cottage weekend.” I pop a marshmallow into my mouth.

Esme laughs and picks up a handful of chocolate bars, “Bring the rest out, will you?”

I pick up the rest of our supplies and follow her to the backyard where Devya and her boyfriend, Shawn, have already started the fire. The cottage’s backyard faces a wide-open view of the moon shining onto the lake, revealing its glistening ripples and waves. The crackling sounds of fire remind me of childhood summers spent camping with my family. I sit down and close my eyes to take it all in; the sweet smell of forest air, the roar of friends’ laughter, the soft whispers of crickets and campfire in the background. I feel transported back in time, to when I didn’t have a care in the world and all that mattered was the here and now.

“Hey, you.” The change of tone in Esme’s voice snaps me back to reality. What was once a deep, raspy tune has shifted to a softer inflection, marking the arrival of someone new.

I open my eyes, ready to meet Esme’s mystery man once and for all. But beyond the glow of the campfire lies pure darkness. All I see is the faint outline of a tall, willowy silhouette.

“Guys! This is Lucas,” Esme motions to the silhouette. “Lucas, these are my friends…”, she continues introducing the group one by one, but I can’t hear a word she says. All sound has been muted from my ears. The face of the silhouette emerges from a cloud of smoke and it’s him. Lucas. The same Lucas I worked with at summer camp when I was seventeen. The same Lucas I spent all summer crying over because he dumped me for Gia; a cooler, older counselor who was in college and had long, red mermaid-like hair. I haven’t thought about Gia in years. Or even Lucas for that matter. But seeing his face again brings back all sorts of teenage insecurities. Insecurities I thought I had dropped a long time ago.

“And this is Cora!” Esme finally lands on me with the biggest smile on her face. It makes me feel guilty, knowing a part of my past is standing right beside her without her knowledge. Knowing she’s been dating a part of my past for the last three months now without a clue.

Lucas’ eyes widen at the sight of me as his face contorts from that of eager optimism to pure terror. No one but me notices, however, as he quickly pulls himself together and takes on a blank expression.

“Nice to meet everyone,” Lucas stammers, shifting his eyes away from me, presumably because we’ve already met so the greeting doesn’t apply. It’s only been a couple of years, but his voice has noticeably deepened since then. If it weren’t for the glow of the campfire, I don’t think I would recognize this guy at all.

“You can sit here!” Esme motions towards the empty seat beside me. Well, on the bright side, at least I don’t have to look directly at him.

A million questions race through my mind. How did Esme meet Lucas again? Has she told him about me? Did he not find it odd that her best friend’s name was Cora? I know it’s not the most original name in the world, but it’s not exactly common, either.

We carry on the campfire like normal, with me and Lucas awkwardly roasting our marshmallows side by side. Thankfully, Devya has enough questions for Lucas to keep him occupied the entire evening. But I know I can’t avoid him all weekend. My friends will notice and wonder why I suddenly have zero interest in getting to know Esme’s… whatever he is.

The only other person in the group that’s being relatively quiet is Jade. I decide to text her.

Meet me inside? Will be in my room. Make an excuse to follow.

Once I’ve made sure Jade has read my text, I excuse myself from the group. Two seconds later, she tells everyone she has a phone call to make.

“What’s up?” Jade asks, entering the bedroom behind me. “I notice you went silent as soon as Esme’s boyfriend arrived. Something wrong?”

“He’s not her boyfriend,” I blurt out. “Well, it’s… undecided, apparently.”

Jade gives me a look that says I know there’s more to this story.

“OK. Remember the time I told you guys about my first heartbreak? The guy at summer camp who I was irrationally obsessed with, who told me he loved me and I said it back, thinking it meant we were going to be together forever?”

“Then left you for some hot mermaid chick? Yeah, I remember.” Jade looks confused, as if she has no idea where this story is going.

“Jade. That’s him. That’s the same Lucas.”

Jade gasps. “No.”

I explain to her that I can’t do it, I can’t put on a façade all weekend and pretend to not know who he is. But I have conflicting feelings about telling Esme the truth, or that she can’t date the guy, because he’s the first romantic interest she’s introduced us to in years. Her last breakup was so bad, she publicly – and rather dramatically, might I add – declared she would remain single for the rest of her life.

The logical part of me believes Lucas has changed, that he can be good for her. But the ego-driven part of me can't stand the thought of the two of them together. Despite having moved on from what happened at summer camp a long time ago, seeing Lucas with Esme makes my stomach churn. It’s as though he has come back from my past just to haunt me, to rub it in my face; You weren’t good enough for me back then, and you still aren’t now. Everyone but you is good enough.

Despite my mixed feelings, I decide I have to tell Esme. Who am I kidding? She’s going to find out sooner or later. If not from me or Jade, then from Lucas himself. And that is not an option.

“I have to tell her before Lucas gets the chance to. And I have a feeling he’ll do it tonight if I don’t first.”

I text Esme to meet me and Jade inside. Esme walks into my room with a suspicious look on her face. I sit her down on the bed.

“What’s going on? You guys are freaking me out,” Esme fixes her gaze at me. “And you. Why have you been so cold towards Lucas all night?”

My heart is racing a mile a minute. “Listen. I have no idea how to go about this because I’ve never been in this predicament before, but… I know Lucas. I used to date him.”

Esme’s face drops. Not in shock or disappointment, but she actually looks… calm? A little too calm. As if she’s been waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I knew this was too good to be true. Honestly, I should’ve introduced him to you guys a lot sooner. This is all my fault.”

I’m beginning to realize Esme interprets everything as her fault; when she introduces someone to us too soon, when she doesn’t introduce them soon enough…

“This is no one’s fault, Esme. And if you really like this guy, I don’t want to stand in the way of that,” I don’t know where this is coming from. Two minutes ago, the thought of Esme and Lucas together made me sick. But seeing Esme disarm herself like this into a puddle of gloom is overtaking my need to feel good enough for some boy that rejected me at seventeen.

“That’s the sad part, Cora. I really do.”

This is the first time I’m hearing Esme express this out loud. I’m realizing now that these old, childish feelings are no longer serving me. Do I really want to rip Esme and Lucas apart because I still feel bitter over something I haven’t thought about in years? For how much longer can I resent Lucas? And do I want Esme resenting me for the rest of her life, because I selfishly cut her time short with someone who made her happy?

I look down at my graduation ring, home of the bulls. From afar, all three of our rings look the same. Like we are a part of something larger than us. Forever imprinted here on our hands. The bull on my ring stares back, reminding me of our school’s motto: tough like a bull, strong enough to power through anything. College is behind me now, and so are my teenage days of allowing boys to determine how I feel about other women. How I feel about myself.

I tell Esme it’s OK. That all I want is for her to be happy. And as the words leave my lips, I feel a weight has been lifted. One I didn’t even know I was carrying.