Confessions

Comfort and warmth, both can be found in the things most unlikely. Soft music, playing in the radio on a rainy, Sunday afternoon was a fine example. Be it acoustic pop, jazz or even Enka, they all managed to do the trick. Music was the warmth equivalent to the heart and mind, as the fireplace, blankets and hugs were to the body. But in all honesty, it was not just music. Words could have a similar effect as well.

Words. Words brimming with affection. Words doused with vulnerability. All possessing the ability to warm a heart within seconds. At least, that was what Maya Perera always thought.

Placing a filled kettle over the stove, she began to rub her hands over her forearms. Despite the warmth her soft, grey sweater and black tights provided, she swayed back and forth in rhythm.

Maya did not dislike the cold, yet when Autumn showers decide to pour down in Tokyo, a part of her would miss the tropical heat she was spoiled with all the way in Colombo, Sri Lanka. Only then she finally would appreciate the bright rays of sun that daily shone on her brown skin ever since birth.

The mobile phone cried for attention before she could turn up the stove.

It was a voice message, sent through LINE.

“Maya-chan!”

The loving, elderly warm voice of Chiharu Tanaka began to play, “ Tonight I’m giving you a break, okay?” She continued in Japanese, “The family is booking the place tonight, so there are enough nieces and nephews to help me out tonight.” She chuckled before pausing, “Why don’t you rest a bit today? Last night’s Farewell Party was fun, but very very sad, right?”

The lips formed a tight smile, when Maya imagined her part-time boss’ sympathetic gaze, “Can you believe Finn-san came to our Shop 6 months ago? And today…” sighing, she went on, “…he had already left”

Lips pressed tighter when Maya imagined him. When she imagined Finn. She imagined his smiling face whilst raising his pint of beer for a toast last night. Ah, his sunshine of a smile, to be exact. A smile that she would miss dearly.

Before a weight could leak in to the heart, Maya scoffed and shook her head, “Anyways, Do you want to meet at a cafe somewhere? Oh-What cafe? Silly me! It’s raining like mad today, right?”

Tanaka-san was right. And Maya nodded in agreement. The rain was continuous and consistent.

“Here! Maya-chan, Are you okay?”

The voice message ended, leaving Maya confused than comforted.

Are you okay? Why on earth Tanaka-san ask her that? She thought to herself.

All seems fine until the moment when someone actually bothers to check if one really is fine. A sense of melancholia seeped in as Maya walked around the apartment, with her focus on the photos she swiped through her phone. The number of flashing smiles were enough to light up the entirety of the Izakaya* itself. Raising of toasts, peace signs and spirits. Group photos were aplenty. Of course, it was a Farewell party. Yet, in the midst of the crowd, Maya’s eyes focused only on person in every photo: Finn.

His tall frame. Those thick, dark curls that framed his face. That smile, oh goodness! That smile. And those eyes that sparkled. All the sudden her heart felt heavier than ever before. Reopening LINE, she pressed the record button to respond:

“Tanaka-san! Thank you so much for checking up on me! And please, don’t worry”

A slight pause later, she cleared her throat, “You know, people come and go.That’s life-” a heavy sigh followed when she found herself collapsing on to the nearest chair, “Honestly, honestly, I feel so lifeless, Tanaka-san. I’m glad you gave me a break today, cause for some reason I don’t feel up to it. Ugh! What is this?” Another sigh followed, “I know why. I’m actually really sad. I don’t feel like doing anything right now.” The memory of Finn waving his last goodbye to them last night, it was crystal clear. The manner in which she hid her overwhelmed emotions so well, it was clear as well. Maya groaned back to reality, “Ugh! I wish I could get rid of this feeling soon. Having feel-Caring for someone is very hard on the heart, right?”

Until, all the sudden, she sat upright. Embarrassment came over her. She felt so foolish having said all that. Having opened up her heart that way. Why did I need to tell her that? She thought to herself. Only goes to prove her point. Deleting the message, she cleared her throat before recording another:

“Tanaka-san! Ahahaha Oh! You’re so kind. So so kind” she cried out in a jovial manner in Japanese, chuckles following “But please, don’t worry about me. I am going to rest today. I promise. Maybe with some tea and a little nap. Thank you for worrying about me”

And finally, SEND.

As much as there was relief, emptiness was present as well. The last time Maya felt lost and lonely was when first arriving into this country. That moment when she missed her family, and her home. Ever since her Masters began, she did not feels this horrid feeling. Until now. Only after he had left.

Suddenly she began to wonder. Should she have done it? Should she have told him? Even if it felt to be most ridiculous?

Doesn’t matter, she thought, “Too late now” sighing to herself, she focused on the kettle that beckoned to be heated.

Until she jumped by the ring and vibration of the phone. LINE let out a continuous cry with a call. Was it Tanaka-san? Not possible.

And she was right. For upon seeing the caller ID, her eyes widened and she froze: 
Finn.

Fast. Her heart began to pace fast. She answered in an instant:

“F-Finn?”

That gentle chuckle filled her ears, “Hey! How are you?” He inquired in his British accent.

“I’m good-I’m good” replying, she paced around excited, “I-I-Wait a minute! Did you land already? Or did you get wifi in the plane? Where are you?”

A loud knock on the door intruded her call, following the loud ring of the doorbell. Annoyed was all she could feel. How dare anyone intrude this call? Maya glanced at the time. 4 pm on a Sunday. Who could possibly be there outside her door? She clearly remembered not ordering anything nor anything making plans to meet.

Finn however, chuckled over the phone:

“Well, it’s a little bit complicated”

Eyebrows raised, she walked towards the door, “What do you mean, complicated? Wait! Did you get arrested?” She inquired, opening the door.

Only to gasp. Out loud.

For there he was.

Finn.

Standing outside her door in his wet raincoat, despite the heavy weather in the backdrop, Finn Anderson wore a sunny smile bright enough to dry out all the rain that late afternoon. Even his eyes were eager participants. Maya swore she was dreaming:

“What the-?”

“Surprise!” Finn cried out soft, making a silly gesture.

“But-” grabbing his small luggage, “…weren’t you supposed to fly this morning?” Maya questioned, motioning him inside.

“Flight got delayed” He replied.

“WHAT? Really?”

“Not really, no”

Shocked and with utter confusion, she turned towards his chuckling self. With her expression quite evident, the 6 foot man in his early thirties became aware of the depth of his words. With a shy chuckle, he closed the door behind him:

“I just…” he began, “ I guess I had one those moments” shrugging his shoulders, “I just-” he chuckled once again, “I LOVE doing the photography gig here-I KNOW!” He agreed, as Maya was about to interject, “It’s crazy to say all that- after all the goodbyes-but I thought…Fuck it!” he said, as she helped him with his raincoat, “You know? Sod this for a game of soldiers! So- I called Company HR and…Maya, I’m getting an extension”

“But-” Maya was full of questions, “What about your apartment?”

“More than happy to have me back!”

“And your visa?” She inquired tip toed, involuntarily checking him for wet hair as he bent down.

“Thankfully still got 6 months more left. I-” he paused,“I hope you don’t mind me being here. Is this okay?”

“WHAT?” Her eyes widened, “Oh! Of course! Mochiron Mochiron!* ” she added with exaggeration before dashing to her room. Of Course Of Course!

Right then, Finn could not help but chuckle, again. Strong enough for Maya’s head to pop out of the room, “What?”

“You just sound so…Japanese”

“Ahahaha…it’s weird, isn’t it?” She replied, standing by the door.

“NO!” Dismissing with a wave, Finn added, “No…it’s- its nice” he said, “I- actually I missed that. Even for a few minutes” he could only expand with softness.

Though soft, those kind words pierced through the distance over to her ears. They were also something she had missed of his, even for a few minutes. Or hours, in fact.

“Well, in that case…” suppressing laughter, Maya extended her arms in a rather adorable manner, “Yokoso!* Finn-san!! Nya!”

Welcome! Finn-san! Meow!

Her amateur cute poses of a J-pop Idol were embarrassing enough to force laughter out of both of them. Because, in all honesty, no one could pull off those poses the way the Idols could. “Anyways, Tea, Finn?” As Maya finally recovered her breath.

“Oh yes, Please”

Nodding, she resumed her search in her room. All the while Finn took a few steps towards the kitchen.

“By the way…” he heard her cry out, “if you’re going to be here longer, you might as well brush up on your Nihongo a bit more, Hai?”

“HAI!, Wakatta!*” Yes, Understood.

To which she heard him reply.

“Ey! There you go!” Maya cried out most impressed, arriving to the kitchen with a small towel which she tossed over to him.

This, was indeed a pleasant surprise. Maya had to admit. For a few minutes ago, there she was, feeling under the weather. And now, warmth of immeasurable level was present in the apartment. Due to several factors: The boiling kettle, the soft music, and Finn.

Whilst she watched the kettle reach its boiling point, she felt his own gaze linger on her. Even throughout the comfortable silence.

This was nothing unfamiliar, sharing the silence with comfort. One of the many reasons she enjoyed his company above all other fellow expatriates. Never making it strange, or never attempting to find a solution out of it. He simply remained. Comfortable in the silence. And his gaze, so gentle and respectful as always. Yet, this time, she could only wish if that gaze conveyed anything more. More than just genuine camaraderie.

“So, who else you gonna surprise next?” Maya inquired, proceeding to make tea, “Is it Tanaka-san? Oh! Is it Ando-san?”

“Oh, definitely Tanaka-san!” Finn replied excited, “You might have to be there though, just in case she faints”

“Ahaha! I think you rather have to be ready if she JUMPS in to your arms with joy instead” she said, as they laughed. The mere thought of the 70 year old spritely woman, jumping into his arms with no hesitation was not only endearing, but also hilarious “Awww! She’s going to be so happy to see you” Maya added with softness, whilst pouring the tea to two small cups.

Except, there was silence from Finn. Which urged her to look up.

“Errr…” Finn began, “…are you sure about that?”

Maya’s eyebrows were raised:

“What do you mean?”

Shy, his shoulders shrugged. This hesitation from him drove her to further point of curiosity,“What? What is it?” She asked, giving him his cup.

“Last night… at the party” he said, “Whenever I saw her with you, she would say something to you, while pointing at ME. I mean-” he paused, “Should-should I be worried?” A nervous chuckle left his lips, “Does she not like me, Maya?”

“WHAT? NOT LIKE YOU?”

Maya cried out, “Oh no no no” she said, waving her hand in continuous motion, “No no no no-I. She-Oh! dear…” taking her own cup and a deep breath, she guided him to the small living room, “I don’t think I ever told you this but, If you must know, out of all your expat group of guys that came in to the shop 6 months ago for drinks, YOU were possibly the one we all liked the most” she said, “You were so likable, in an instant” snapping her fingers.

“Ohhh” with a dropped jaw of realization, Finn could only chuckle once again, “God! this is embarrassing” he took a sip, averting his eyes.

“Oh! No, Don’t be! I’m serious. Your polite energy matched so well that- I didn’t feel like you were gonna be an annoying foreigner leeching for help. Trust me…” as she pat him on the back, “All of us at the shop, are your fans now” she joked.

Looking out the window nearby, Finn’s concern seemed to fade. Until, another query hit him:

“So then, what about last night? What did she-?”

“Oh gosh…” Maya hesitated, rubbing her free hand over her thigh, “You’re trying to get me to snitch now, aren’t you?”

“What? NO! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just…dying of curiosity”

“No-no I get it”

“It’s just that, if I’m going to stick around here longer, I might as well know if I’m rubbing her off the wrong way”

“Finn! You could never-She…” pausing, Maya chuckled. It never was the fact that she had no recollection of the incident. In fact, it had never been more clear. Just the risk of revealing held her back. Yet, Finn’s genuine curiosity guilted her, “You know how she is. Like a typical Aunty, playing matchmaker” Maya said, shifting, “She-she kept telling me how sad she was that you’re leaving cause-Oh god!” Covering her eyes first, Maya looked at the window instead, “She thought …you and I’d be a great fit together…” she said, before sipping her tea so quick, it almost burnt her tongue.

Silence, with just soft music and the rain filled their ears instead. Drenched with embarrassment, Maya did not dare look his way.

“Wow…”

Was all Finn could say, with a chuckle. Shaking her head, Maya looked at him:

“I know. Poor Tanaka-san. She’s always trying to set me up. Don’t mind her, by the way. She means well”

Finn nodded quickly. And there it was again, silence.

Embarrassment kept coursing through her body as her view refocused on the window. Her eyes were in desperate attempt to look for more new detail of the neighborhood. Distract, distract, distract.

Was it a mistake? Was it something he had to know?

But why did she also feel a sense of relief afterwards? Guess letting things out does help.

“Did you ever wonder why we get goop in the eyes?”

Rubbing her eyes, a random phrase left Maya’s lips.

“Sorry?”

She turned to Finn’s confused face, nodding, “You know, the stuff we get under the eyes when we wake up from sleep”

“Oh, you mean the eye gunk?”

“Yeah…"

“Hmmm….” Finn replied, still confused “…never thought of it” He said, taking another sip.

The two figures looked back at the window. Silence was loud once again for a few seconds more.

“So I looked it up one day” Maya said.

“Yeah?”

Maya nodded, eyes still focused ahead “So apparently, it’s basically Mucus…that builds up in your eyes. Heheh, yeah, who knew, right?” She said, joining his amused chuckle as she gave him a look, “So since we don’t exactly blink at night cause we’re…fast asleep, the mucus just keeps building up and eventually, dries up to form those bad boys. But then again, apparently sometimes change in the eye boogers or rheum as they call them, can show problems in-”

“Maya-”

“Oh…”

Maya laughed, covering her mouth, “I’m so sorry. I just went on and on and on… about eye gunk too. That was very boring-”

“No, No!” Finn said, objecting “I’M SORRY- I just…”

“What is it? Oh dear, is the tea bad?”

“No! it’s lovely. I just…”

With a deep breath, Finn shifted. As if a sense of nervousness came over him, “There… was more than one reason for me to stay here. In Tokyo”

“Yeah?” Curious, Maya fully turned to him, “What is it?”

“…it’s actually…Who is it…”

Pressing his lips together, Finn displayed a shy smile. All the while he looked only, at her. Maya gasped:

“Wait-what? M-Me?” She inquired, her cup almost slipping off. To which his smile grew bigger.

“Yeah”

Her jaw dropped. The speeding of her heartbeat was not helpful.

“You’re joking!” Maya said, rubbing her eyes with disbelief.

“If I am, then would I be here in the middle of this awful rain?” Finn said. With every word he spoke, liberation was quite evident, “Maya, I couldn’t wait. I just had to tell you”

“If it’s any consolation, You did look adorable in that raincoat”

Her response brought in some laughter, “Sorry, that was so random” she said, shaking her head,“I don’t know why I even…said that”

How to behave in a situation like this? Maya never knew. She relied on silence, catching a few glances of the floor, and Finn’s curious face from time to time. And unlike the floor, his face only made her blush, “What made you realize?” She inquired.

“When I was waiting in line at immigration” he began, “I chatted up with this local flying out-Nice bloke. Spoke a bit of english. And when I told him I was leaving, he asked me what I will miss the most here” he said, chuckling “And… that’s when it hit me. It was you”

Maya’s grip on the cup tightened, “Was that a confession?”

“Maybe” he said, standing straight “Yes”

For certain, this was a dream. All this. His words, his realization, his actions. Yet, his presence, his eyes seemed to prove this was far from amusing. Finn Anderson was always the easiest fellow expatriate she could converse with during her stay in Japan. He understood the people here, just like her. As in he did his best always to adapt. He knew his place as a foreigner and had nothing but respect for the country and the people who accommodated him. He was one of her tribe.

If it were anyone else, Maya would have been calmer, cooler and consoling. Sitting them down, she would have been in a silent frantic mission to explain the reality, concluding how all would be better if they “Stayed friends”.

But not with Finn. And she was far from calm, nor cool, nor consoling.

“I-” Maya cleared her throat, “I have to admit, I may have looked very busy last night at the party but-” she paused, looking at him, “I really was sad by the thought of you leaving. When I told you I would miss you, I really meant it” Maya was in disbelief as she said those words, “More than anyone else, I-I knew I would miss you…very, very, very, very much”

For someone who felt at home being expressive, she found it most difficult to unveil all the sudden, “I knew for sure, I would NEVER meet anyone like you here ever again”

This, was all she could say, for now. With no regrets.

The happiness that was eager to leap out of Finn, waited with a shy smile in preparation:

“Was…was that a confession?”

Breathing deep, Maya nodded:

“Yes”

Watching him look down on the floor, somehow forced Maya to question her nerves.

“Does it make me smug that I liked hearing that?” He said, chuckling. Which only lightened her up.

“Not at all. It honestly must really feel good. Bet its quite the ego stroker, aye?”

“Oh! Sorry-” Finn said, growing flustered, “That’s not what I meant-”

“I’m joking, I’m joking! ” Maya said, giggling, “But Finn…” until her giggles disappeared, “As your friend, first and foremost” she said, taking his empty cup before heading to the pantry, “I hope that you looked at this situation…practically” she said, aware of his gaze on her while she placed the cups in the sink, “I mean, think about it. You are… in a foreign country-”

“That I love…”

“Granted” Maya said, “You’re a Photographer working on a contract” walking back to him with arms folded, “and NOW…” Maya said, maintaining a short pause as she took the towel off his shoulder, offering to dry his hair that was yet wet, “Now you’re considering to extend that contract because of-”

“You”

He answered, his eyes never leaving her side.

Shivers, Maya felt shivers. Not just the fact she was a mere few inches away from him. But also that certainty, it seemed too good to be true. She cleared her throat:

“That’s quite a dramatic move people normally regret making, I’m just saying” she said, lifting her hands up and wiping his head in a circular motion, “I’ve heard stories-”

“Maya, the more you talk about this , the more I want this”

“Why?”

“Cause it’s worth it” Finn said, his eyes still on her, “Unless- it’s not something you want-”

“No, I want it”

Maya found herself say, as her movements halted all the sudden. Even with strands of hair over his eyes, Finn’s gaze remained:

“Then?”

Even when she searched for reasons for this to falter, there he stood unaffected and certain. And even overjoyed but concealing it well. This was torturous.

“Oh, Finn…” Eyes down, she let out a shy chuckle, “You cruel man” she said, before looking back at him, “You’re getting me all hopeful now”

“And?” He inquired, feeling her hands pulling the towel down, “…is that all bad?”

“No…Not at all”

The more she spoke, the closer she was to this sense of liberation. Pretend was what she needed not be anymore. No longer she needed be calm and collected regarding every little thing he did. Every little thing that in truth made her smile, fawn and let her heart skip countless beats for 6 long months. No longer she needed to deny the genuine heartbreak she suffered in silence when he announced his departure.

For there he was, right there before her, with his heart on his sleeve. All the sudden, no task seemed impossible. No task seemed dreadful. All the sudden, levitation seemed probable.

Euphoric was apt. And so was her bright, big smile which appeared on her face little by little. Until she could not contain herself any longer. Until she began to laugh.

“What?” Finn said, laughing back.

“I just-Gosh! Finn…”dropping the towel, “I still can’t believe this is happening” Maya said, jumping for an embrace. Which Finn welcomed with open arms, finding himself taking a quick spin before putting her down.

“It’s happening” his muffled voice replied, with his face pressed against her shoulder.

Shrieks, giggles and laughter eventually began to die down when they found themselves breathing in one another.

Shivers trickled. Grips tightened.

For Maya, his scent was sweet torture. Comprising of his cologne, his laundry and his own musk. His embraces were nothing unfamiliar. Yet never was she blessed to receive one this long before. Enough for their bodies to find the right corners to fit themselves in. Drunk in pleasure, she did not bother counting the seconds. He seemed relaxed, just as she was. Synchronized in breath, chests rose and fell, all together. It was meditative itself. Yet at simultaneously stimulating.Their grips did not loosen. Long enough for the heartbeat to increase speed. With a possible thousand butterflies fluttering within, Maya could feel urges whisper.

“Gosh” she said in hushed breath.

“What is it?”

“Why am I so nervous to kiss you right now?” chuckling, never did she imagine those words exiting her lips. So bold, so direct.

“Well, have I ever made you nervous before?”

Finn’s unaffected query, offered clarity.

“No…you haven’t. Never”

“Then…” His low hum sent tremors down, with their bodies still glued on together, “Why now?”

“Huh…Good point”

Tingling sensation traveled through Maya as she allowed herself to be intoxicated in this feeling. Even more so when her nose brushed against his cheek. With his forehead on hers, his skin this close, it was a new territory of intimacy. Tingles was all she could feel while his warm breath landed on her neck.

His lips were the first that her fluttering eyes could see. Until his eyes stole her away. Those eyes that did not object when she leaned forward towards him.

Two sets of heartbeat fused in a rhythmic frenzy when her quivering lips finally pressed against his.

For a kiss. For the kiss.

“Fuck…”

That was all Maya could breath out. Especially when it was sweet but so short.

Until she felt Finn tugging her back in, “Come here”

For that regret was mutual.

Thus, from that moment onwards, regret would not be the only thing mutual.

From that moment on, mutual were two people casting aside all else, to rejoice one strong feeling ignored for too long. Mutual were their kisses becoming the translators of those long smothered feelings. Sweet at first, then passionate and even starving. Heavy breaths and the surprising loudness of their kisses overpowered the radio sounds playing soft in the background. Mutual were two individuals who appeared polite and proper, deciding to shed it all off, giving in to pure, uncontrollable desire. Especially when Maya’s moans were a quick addition as Finn’s eager hand dug inside her sweater. His touch ignited her. In every way imaginable. Mutual was two newfound, hot blooded lovers stumbling across the apartment to fall in to the bed, finding the best excuse to unleash the lust held back in their deepest fantasies. Pants pulled down, sweaters pushed up, all halfway and rushed when bodies finally united and moved in rhythm. Finn’s shy lips were nowhere in sight, guzzling on every inch of her soft, naked skin they could reach. From her jawline, her neck, to the curves of her breasts and all descending further. All the while Maya’s fingers tangled in his dark curls with frustrated tightness. He was the fire to her gasoline. Mutual was their lovemaking continuing on with fervor till they reached a great finish.

The rain went on, still. Exhausted yet syncopated panting were substituted as Maya and Finn lay next to one another. Their clothes were at a total disarray. Yet their emotions were not. When Finn ended up at the foot of the door earlier, who knew it would end up here?

But it did not mean it was not what they hoped. In fact, this was beyond their wildest dreams.

“I’m sorry…”

Finn’s soft voice confused Maya. Looking at him, her heart broke to find his eyes filled with concern, and embarrassment, “If this wasn’t the way you-”

Instead, Maya shook her head with a smile.

“I’m really sor-”


“Don’t say anything…” she said in a whisper, as she stroked his cheek, “This was…just perfect”. It was all she could say, before snuggling close to him. His lips rested on her head, planting a gentle kiss.

Comfort and warmth, both can be found in the things most unlikely. The shared silence between two newfound lovers whilst they weaved euphoric futures together in secret. That was also a fine example.