Cig For Your Thoughts?

"How are you feeling?" Jade asked me. She had offered to take me as she knew I couldn't ask just anyone, least of all my mother. "Oh, I'm okay. It's the right choice." I reassured her as I turned back to look out the window, lighting my 3rd cigarette since we started the drive to the clinic. I'm lying of course. On the inside I'm devastated and feel so sick to my stomach, it's like someone is punching me in the gut over and over again. But I knew the second I expressed how I was really feeling, that's when I'd completely lose it, and start second-guessing the decision I was positive was the only one I should be making.

I'll admit it was a decision being made entirely out of fear. Not for myself. No, I had never been very mindful of my own well-being. One of the reasons I had so much to fear now. The first time I was in this situation, years ago, I was a young kid, who had just found out she had been cheated on and was 3 months post-diagnosis. My body hadn't fully recovered, not enough to do what it needed. Not to mention I was living on a family friend's couch and still wasn't allowed to work. Thank you stupid random illness dropping onto me out of the damn blue. Oh, and of course the whole cheating thing. The timing then was definitely not ideal. But the news I received after it happened, what the doctor had to say. That part gutted me. And has stuck in my head ever since. 5 long years of thinking I could never have a family of my own. Thinking I'd never get to mother a healthy child. That the procreation process wasn't something I'd have an issue with but rather the being able to carry to full term part of it. "Very high chance of having a child who would more than likely be very sick and lead a short life. If one or both of us even made it to the end." Is what my doctor had said.

This time around, was different. More severe really. The father wasn't in the picture at all. And it had only been 8 months since I had gotten out of the hospital after nearly dying. 2 instances of cardiac arrest and a coma. No way my body was healthy enough this time around either.

Trying to keep my mind preoccupied from what I was about to go do, Jade was keeping up the small talk. I couldn't really recall much of what she had been saying at first, but then it switched from small talk to real talk and that caught my attention. "So does the father know what's going on?" She asked tentatively. I couldn't help but chuckle. "Nah, I don't even know how to get ahold of him." It wasn't a laughing matter obviously but it was just so typical for me. I have always been a 'need commitment, no casual relations,' type of broad, and the one time I decide to be spontaneous and say to hell with my restraint, morals and inhibitions, and this is what happens. Cue cigarette number 4...or 5, I've actually lost count.

I was still puffing away as we pulled up, which was perfect. Jade would think I was just finishing my smoke before going in. When in reality, I just needed a few extra minutes to gather myself. "I have to go grab the kids from daycare and do some running around, are you good from here?" She asked me. "Yeah of course you go ahead, I'll call you later." I thanked her for the ride as she wished me luck. As if luck was what I needed in this instance.

I checked in and took a seat in the waiting room. The life of a sick person has had me in more doctor's offices than most, but this one. I can't even explain the feeling of foreboding and dread that surrounded me. Looking around at all the other women sitting there, I couldn't help notice how different their behavior was. All of them looked so relaxed, and ready for this process to just be over and done with. Like it wasn't affecting them in the slightest. Just another Wednesday. There was even some laughter amongst a couple of women who had come in with friends. Even the younger girls who had their moms with them, at a young age this was a serious matter, but still, complete indifference.

Meanwhile, I was dying inside. Trying my best not to shatter into a million pieces.

Just then I got a text message from my little sister. Besides Jade, she was the only one who had known what was going on.

"Anna, you need to tell mom what's going on. She has a feeling you're hiding something and thinks it's something super shady. Her and grandma are talking pretty hatefully about you right now. I know you think she'll disown you, but she might understand."

I had wanted to tell my mom the second I found out. Wanted to talk to her about all of this. My fears, how sad it was all making me. Especially seeing all those other girls with their moms there with them. I'm a grown-ass woman, but that didn't mean I didn't need my mom there with me, to lean on, to hold my hand while I went through the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. But I knew where she stood when it came to this. How against it she was. I couldn't handle how she'd react on top of everything else that was going on.

But something told me my sister was right, I knew what she would most likely say, knew whatever it might be would hurt like hell. But something in my gut said to do it anyway. I opted for a text. A cowardly move I know, but I didn't want to hear the harsh words over the phone. I couldn't.

Writing out everything I needed to say. My reasoning, my explanation, my in-depth detailing of how much I was already hurting over this. And after re-reading it probably a dozen times, and counting down from 10 even more times than that. I finally hit send. Within minutes I got a call. Ignoring it out of sheer panic and trepidation, 2 more ignored calls after that. I got a text.

"If you go through with this, I will not only never forgive you, but I will hate you. This decision is the most selfish one you could ever make, and your reasonings are bullshit."

A couple more texts back and forth. Me begging for her to understand, and her expressing her disgust and disappointment. It was still all I could do not to break down right then and there. And then I got one more text. "Call me now please."

She had said please, so either she had maybe realized how harsh she had been being with me in this difficult time, or she was trying to lull me into a false sense of security so I'd call her and she could yell at me properly. Either way, it felt like I had been there for hours and I was dying for a smoke, so why not get the call over with. As I stepped outside I realized I had been holding my breath, I don't know for how long, but breathing in the fresh air had felt pretty foreign so I'm guessing it had been a while.

I lit cig number 6 and called my mother. The second she picked up, it happened. All that built-up pain came flooding out of me, I couldn't stop the tears, couldn't catch my breath. All I could say was that I didn't want to go through with this, but I didn't want to bring a child into the world just for it to be sick and have to suffer every day. Repeating that I was scared, and felt sick and couldn't do this but what choice did I have was all I could do at that point. When I was finally able to calm down long enough to hear what she had to say, my mom was saying everything I needed her to.

"I know you can do this, you're so unbelievably strong. I will be here for you the entire way. It won't be easy, but you were meant to be a mother, you've always wanted it and now it's happening. Everything happens how it's meant to, I know it will all work out."

After some more tears shed and shared between both of us, she told me to have a smoke and she'd be right there to pick me up.

She was right. Everything does happen how it's meant to. That entire day, though so many years have passed since, still stands out in my mind as if it just happened yesterday. The series of events, that no matter which path they took me down would change my life forever. Luckily I ended up down the path that changed me for the better. Happier, healthier, and cigarette-free. After all, I have something so important to live for now. I had my happy, healthy child. Not only did I defy odds that were stacked against me but I became the best possible version of myself. I almost made a decision out of fear. Fear of an outcome that I didn't really know for sure and instead took a chance. I will have to forever carry around the guilt of the choice I almost made. But will always rejoice in the choice that I did make.

My family, the family I've always wanted has been started. Now here's to baby number 2.