Chapter Fourteen: The One With Her Goodbye and Drops of Blood

To the ones who cared about me,

I'm sorry to say this is it, but the good news is that I never planned that a day like this would come. This will shock you as much as it shocks me, so if you see this, it means even if I'm gone, I'm still the same person you knew. God can for once back me up on that. This time came unexpectedly. I've never been the type to count down to the end. Things change, you know? The one thing that I do hope is the forever that I was given was used well, for other people, and not for me, but whatever it is, I sincerely do think this is for the better. This is for you all. I owed it to you, for your own good. Don't feel guilty though. I did this to myself.

Mama, Papa, and Crishia, don't mourn me for too long. Wherever I'm believed to be going, I promise I'll be okay. In my head, I think I'll finally be able to rest for a long time, a deep sleep with a clear mind. There's nothing for you to worry about. I've made plenty of mistakes, but if I made you proud then I'll be contented. I won't mess up from now on. Thank you for the guidance I was thankful and unthankful for. I was a fortunate girl to have a family so imperfect, but still the dream of what anyone wanted.

Rachel, I'm pretty disappointed we weren't able to make ends meet. Not in you, but in me. I'm leaving you on bad terms, but in some ways, I keep telling myself, can't it be for the better? You've been a good friend to me all my life and I haven't been able to live rightly to your expectations. I tried to protect you and I made things worse, but I've missed you and I've missed us during the chaos I've caused. Continue on strong, baby girl. That's always what you've been known for.

Kade, you've truly been a light to me in this dark world, and if the world ever did shed me some light, you knew how to make it brighter. Being happy in pitch black wasn't impossible anymore after our lives collided. It was better since I've met you and at every time I got the chance to spend time with you. You have that dumb habit though of blaming yourself for everything that happens to me, but this time, spare me this last wish, please? If you really do love me, (or by time you get this would it be did?) don't do that. This was a decision that I made on my own. I love you, Gamoza.

This was none of your faults. It's the way that it has to be. Goodbye to all of you; the ones who made my life the life it is.

- Camille/Mew

--

It might the first time all three of us shared a common emotion all night, and when I say "might" I mean that it's extremely likely. We were going through every stage of grief in a matter of seconds, only for it to be repeated and started once again from the top. From the denial, the guilt, the anger, this sort of deflation, reconstruction and then finally acceptance, it would fall back down to the starting point when it's beginning to get better, and it was entirely circled around one piece of paper that we were each kneeling beside. I would've never guessed that this night would come to a share of tears.

"There's no way this is actually her handwriting. She's the most annoying perfectionist I've ever known to exist in all of history. Was she in that big of a hurry to die that she wouldn't keep up her number one trait? If she'd ever do such a thing, she'd take every piece of time that she could to make it nice. She doesn't rush goodbyes. Why would she rush a permanent one? Only a person could pressure her so much that she'd make this so messy." I was back to the stage of denial again, wiping my face of tears as they'd continue coming to replace the one I tried to erase. The other two simply nodded, not able to choke out any words.

"Miss Crish? Are you coming out?" Samuel called from out front. He was growing more and more impatient, and the gate he was behind was clanging harder that I wouldn't be all that surprised if the lock completely busted and fell off. It wasn't very strong to begin with these days, but it's never broke on us. I couldn't blame the kid either. I was making him wait for a hella long time, and he's a child, so I didn't expect a patience that most adults didn't have themselves.

"Coming!" I yelled out to him. I didn't worry about what I looked like because however brutally honest kids tend to be, in the end they are a child, and I didn't feel shy, necessarily. On top of it, the sun was long gone and it was dark by now. If he couldn't see me that clearly, he didn't have anything to be brutally honest about in the first place.

I picked my key back up by it's ring, searching for the key to unlock the gate. Gianni and Rachel didn't ask for anything, and by the look on their faces and movement, I was assuming they were about to show themselves out. I left them behind, leaving everything opened on my way and in other pathways to other exits to welcome them to take their leave if it's what they wanted. I would've wanted to too, and I would've a long time ago if I was either one of them. Samuel, oblivious to the entire thing that's went down - which thank God - had a big smile on his face when I went out to meet him.

"Sorry for the wait. What did you need again, love?" I asked him, trying to clear my head out to regain proper focus and posture. I was fully aware that he's told me what he needed a moment ago, but everything was slipping from my mind, and when I was getting closer to get ahold of it, it'd disappear once again. Anything besides Mew, was like this slippery object between my fingers. "Are you supposed to be out? It's already late at night. Do your parents know you're here, Samuel?"

"Actually no, Miss. My mom doesn't know. I snuck out of the house to talk to you. She doesn't like me coming here. I don't need soda. I was lying." He said, but it came out so blunt and out there that he didn't seem he was sneaking around or anything. He blurted it out like he wasn't doing anything wrong or like he wouldn't face any consequences if he got caught or not. "She hates this store."

I chuckled. If it was anyone else who would've told me that news, I might be offended, but I couldn't get angry with a child. All he could possibly do was get on my nerves, but that's very different than anger. "I shouldn't let you be here then, Sammy, you know. Maybe I should just walk you home and you should call it a night. We can talk in the morning. You know where I am and I know where you are. It'll be nicer when the sun is out."

"Miss, please. I need to talk to you. How about we go for a walk? Then I'm not at the store, so everybody is happy." He insisted. He held onto my hand, his eyes glowing in the dark, and as I looked into his innocence I didn't know how to say no. I wanted to say that that's not exactly how it works, and how someone out there is still going to be disappointed, but as always, this child has a charm and he's impossible to say something against.

"Okay," I agreed, gripping his hand as well. I followed his lead under the tropical trees; a beauty of living in the province, until we settled under one of them. The stars were especially bright this night. They always were, but something about them was different, and though I would never tell anyone or admit it out loud, I needed this after what I learned today.

"Nights like this remind me of Miss Mew," Samuel said out of nowhere. I stared at him. For a kid his age, it was weird that he'd know how to stall, because one like him would usually get to whatever the point they had to say. I didn't expect that they'd have important things to talk about, but at this minute, I had this feeling that that's not all he had to say and that there was something he didn't know how to express. I decided not to push him on it quite yet.

"Why?" I asked, staying on topic.

"Because my mommy always says that the night time is a good time to unwind for her. She's working in the day and when evening comes she can rest. That's what Mew compared her life to, so that I could understand why she told me she needs to 'escape'. When she told me like that, I can understand her well, and now the night reminds me of her, 'specially when there's so many stars."

I gulped, but put up a smile on my face for him, in case he could see me. After the news I was finding out so late about her, it was hard to talk to her, even a little bit. The thought of her was painful, and here Samuel was knowing all along of her need to escape her life. "Did she tell you her life was hard?"

"She never used that word, 'hard'. She said her life was heavy. The longer she carried it, the heavier it was, like a rock." He said, again, so innocently that it almost contradicted with what he was saying. "You know that Miss, that Mew was always known to be a good child here in our neighborhood, but she told me that everyone believed too much in her because she wasn't perfect. That's why she liked to go to the city by us and she'd act different there. To unwind like what night is for."

"She'd act different?" I had a feeling I knew where this was heading. It would do with Gianni, but I wanted to hear it for myself.

"Yeah. She'd show the part of herself she thought no one would like here. A lot of people didn't know her so they didn't pay that much attention to her there, but when she made a friend it helped her a lot. She felt free, she said, and it calmed her nerves from the pressure she got here."

I rustled through his hair, nodding to show I understood him, but it took me a while to figure out what to say to him. Mew always seemed happy here, but I couldn't disregard that being the ideal child of the neighborhood and the entire village would get difficult. Everyone's parents wanted their children to be more like her, that it made some people dislike her - but she was always on top and she was proud of that image she worked hard to make for herself. "You're pretty intelligent to remember all this." I finally decided on, because I couldn't think of anything else, "is that all you had to tell me, boy?"

"Oh, no that's not what it is. I was gonna say something else." He answered, shaking his head in disagreement. Up the hill, there were two voices fighting with each other, but it wasn't bright enough in the area that I could make out their faces. I know almost everyone here, so it wouldn't be hard to know once I could, but I was missing the most important part of the information. A bit afraid to be in charge of a little boy, I gripped his hand tighter and I sat down on the other side of the tree, where they wouldn't be able to see us. He didn't hesitate for a second to follow me, and he didn't question it either. "You know, Miss Crish, I know how you feel."

"What do you mean you know how I feel, Sammy?"

"I mean that my younger brother died too. I little bit before Miss Mew did. I heard it was a stomach issue but I don't really know. I'm little so nobody really likes to tell me anything." He went on this rant, but it was still happy and giddy I wondered if the kid ever cried, or if he was some invincible, immortal, being in the world of emotions. I knew somewhere in me it was a coping mechanism of his, and that in some ways we reacted to things the same, but in most ways we were very different in processing pain. "He was only four years old. I was six. He'd be six now if he was alive."

"I'm sorry, honey. I had no idea. It's hard, I know it is." I tried to comfort him, but the yelling and screaming of the fight was getting louder. It was closer to us, and getting louder and more aggressive but I still couldn't make out the words of what they were fighting about. I held him by supporting the back of his head with the palms of my hands, messing a bit with his hair again. His small body grasping onto mine made my heart ache. It was getting to me that there was more pain in this world than mine, and that actually hurt more. That made everything worse. "Let's get home." I told him, as he hugged me tighter. "Darkness might be a time to unwind, but it has to be done safely and I don't think that can happen here."

"I didn't really tell you what I needed to tell you yet though Miss." He stated, and I tried to look at him sweetly to drag it out of him faster, while at the same time, trying to calm myself down for a danger I was probably only creating in my own mind. The fight I was overhearing was starting to fade into whispers, and I wanted to believe that that was a good sign. "Do you know where my mom's gun is, Miss? She said she left it by your-."

I thought hard about what he was saying, confused as to who his mother even is, when a loud firework sound took off through the air, and with my hand still placed to comfort him at the back of his head, I prayed that the liquid dripping in between my fingers wasn't what I thought it was, but when his body went limp and heavy, weighing completely into my support, I couldn't bet that was great.

"By what, Sammy? What?" I exclaimed, a cars headlights passing by enough to shine on the red that had fell into my nails, when I just got the words out. I had to vomit in the grass behind me because of the sight of it, knowing exactly what it was, but denying it at every cost.

I can't lie though. He needs help. He needs medical attention. How? How do I help him?

His voice was croaky and barely came out of his mouth, and somewhere in the woods I could hear loud, but muffled sobs as background noise when Samuel was talking. "Miss Crish. Condolence on your loss for Mew."