Chapter 6: The Covert

I'm finally at the end of a cycle in my life journey and lord knows I'm ready to begin a new one but I'm pretty sure I'm still healing or still need to heal from my last life lesson, although I struggle with what the lesson really is along with trying to find that hidden blessing in it because it was extremely painful and I'm still gob smacked when I think about it. Trying not to think about it is usually my go-to and I keep telling myself that it's all good, all is forgiven, but I think I might be fibbing to myself a little. I've been told I would probably benefit from seeing a therapist (that or write a screenplay) but the way I see it is if I can't heal myself then I can't heal anybody else. My angel brigade is my panel of counselors, actually my mom is all I need and I know she's here and she guides me all the time with her invisible awesomeness.

While I have nothing to gain from gossip I feel if I don't tell my side of the story then it's as if he gets away with his behavior and I'm so far from okay with that. When I think back over the past year and half and everything I've lost resulting from a life lesson learned, it's a lot. I've slowly but steadily been stripped of everything material-wise and while I know it's where I'm supposed to be, it's hard no to feel like I've hit an all time low.

Everybody's rock bottom is different and I, fortunate or unfortunate depending on how you look at it, have already had one so this makes two. Yay me. The first one was alcohol related and more your typical rock bottom as I had been living on the streets at one point, experienced countless detoxes both medical and otherwise. This rock bottom is different though and has left me bankrupt on a completely different level, a more painful level. Feeling the loss of so much more than just a friend, an alter ego I called "Vodlissa" level.

I'm 46 years old and I'm homeless, I'm parentless and jobless with not a clue what exactly my future holds because I think leaps of blind faith are fun. Not really fun though ha. I currently live in a tent in Huntington Beach, California. I'm unemployed at the moment, I chose to quit because my intuition was telling me to. My car decided to poop out on me and needs a new radiator which wouldn't be an issue if I was still working. Luckily my brother gifted me a beach cruiser and thankfully I'm in a city where it's still cool to ride your bike. While it may not seem ideal to most I'm okay with it because I heal in nature and know in my heart everything happens for a reason whether it be good or bad. I'm still figuring out my big picture and realize this is just another stepping stone, and/or challenge that is happening for purpose. Some day I will understand it, just not today and that's okay.

A few months ago I was living with my dad in Chino Hills working full time and sleeping in a very comfortable queen size bed. Now I'm not, it's like the Universe pushed me out of that situation just like I was pushed out of Colorado a year ago. I'm also not on speaking terms with my dad and the way I see it probably never will speak to him again unless I absolutely have to which is sad because he's my dad and I love him and I trusted him. It all changed over a matter of about a week and things will never be the same leaving me now parentless after losing my mom suddenly a day before the pandemic hit. I wasn't able to take some of her ashes so I take that back, I will have to speak to him one more time whether I like it or not. But I don't know, I also consider this to be an ultimate betrayal, a blow to the gut, a punch to the throat, whatever you want to call it. I call it devastating. And the shittiest part is that nobody even knows, and when they do find out, I have concerns as to whether or not they'll believe me.

Growing up my dad was strict with rules he governed by religiously and I did my best to follow 'em but I was born a free spirit so things were great until I didn't like the rules. Now I'm an adult and I still don't like being told what to do but who does? My free spirit is nothing to take lightly, freedom is one of the things I value most. I was kicked out at nineteen for not following the rules and damn it to hell if I wasn't kicked out again. But this time it was for knowing too much, and not following some of the rules like no food in your bedroom I'm sure. Not only did I know too much, I also had the balls to call him out on it. I'm a little nervous writing this for the world to see but by writing it and putting it in my blog I will be one step closer to healing and that's what matters most. However I will say in his defense (and his words), nobody reads my blog anyway.

After my mom passed everything changed. I was furloughed, I failed my semester at Regis University, left my man, sold everything I could and went to Costa Rica to start over. When my time was up in Costa Rica I asked my dad if I could come home to catch my barring's and figure some shit out and to my surprise he said yes. I knew it wasn't going to be easy as we don't always agree on how things should be done. I was optimistic though because I finally had grown up quite a bit and have no problem being respectful.

In all fairness I stayed longer than intended but is a couple months really that long in the grand scheme of things? There were little red flags from the moment I arrived, the first being my bank account. When I was in Costa Rica I had him on it because well I'm in another country, he suggested it and um he's my dad so I trusted him and was nothing less than appreciative. When I came home though he was still checking it regularly and I thought that to be a little excessive and finally had to take him off. I didn't say anything, I just did it, and now that I think about it, I think that was the beginning of the end cause I'm sure he didn't like that one bit. But he didn't say anything either but that's probably because he couldn't.

He portioned my food for me a couple times which I didn't think twice about till after the fact and he must've caught himself cause it only happened a couple times. I left my car in Colorado because I planned on continuing to travel after Costa Rica but Covid fucked that up for the time being so he was acting as chauffeur and taking me to and from work. I wasn't allowed, or he rather I didn't, do any cooking or wash any dishes which was whatever cause he's always been pretty anal but it's his house and I certainly wasn't complaining. He sat perched in his chair which is positioned perfectly to see any activity upstairs like anytime I left my room and which one I was headed to. Again it's his house and I tried very hard to be respectful of his rules. All these things didn't seem that big of a deal until one day everything came to a head and they all turned into little red flags.

He returned home one morning after going to the gym to take me to work when he realized the caterpillars were gone. He had enclosed like seven caterpillars with the hopes to watch them chrysalis and transform into butterflies and one morning they were all gone. You'd think I had killed all of 'em one by one and on purpose cause the next thing to happen caught me completely off guard. "When are you going to get your fucking life together?" he asked almost at the top of his lungs. Those may or may not have been the first thing out of his mouth but it's what I remember most. From then and the whole ride to work it was a heated argument about this that and the other leaving me with a tissue on my way in for a 10 hour shift and asking him why he couldn't just be a cool dad. Mind you, a job I got because that's what I thought he wanted me to do. Although he suggested I get a job at Amazon and when I told him I applied at Stater Bros he told me I should try Target. It was slowly becoming completely obvious that my dad might have a little bit of a control problem.

Those red flags were starting to add up and things were starting to make more sense. I had a feeling he was recoding me because shit, he did it when we were kids so why wouldn't he do it now? Especially when he left me in the house, alone, two days out of the week for three hours. How would he know what I was up to? Why was that even an issue? Granted I liked to snoop back in the day but I was a fucking kid and that's what kids do. I'm an adult now with zero desire to sift through his belongings. Zero. I was up to journaling and arts-n-crafts cause that's just what I do now but there was one incident that solidified it for me. I was crafting in my moms sewing room and he had left to go tutor when not even two minutes later he returned, came upstairs, went straight to his office and turned right back around and left again with not so much as a peep. I guess somebody forgot to hit record. I knew it at that moment and just remember thinking damn, he's recording me. Nothing I didn't already suspect though, I'm far from stupid and had already made my own "Silent Bob" rule when I entered the house cause the walls were thin always listening. Seriously, I stopped making phone calls because I knew he was listening and felt uncomfortable.

One of his favorite punishments is the silent treatment, he went MONTHS (were talking like eight months) without talking to me in high school and I'm sure now was going to be no different. When I returned home from work, had to Uber it cause of course he relieved himself of driver duties (another form of punishment I'm sure) I tried talking to him but the only thing that was resolved was that he didn't know if the relationship was repairable. Wow I remember thinking, over what, caterpillars? Really? Guess he was mad that he couldn't control them too, damn. Already knowing his M.O. I whipped up some tears to let him think I was bothered by it and walked away with my tail between my legs. That night I packed a bag and the next morning I flew to Colorado and road tripped back with my car. Two can play at this game and I'm not gonna take his bullshit petty punishments like I did as a teenager. Hell no! I don't think he liked that too much either though.

I returned early morning three days later a half hour exactly before I had to be at work. I was actually pretty impressed with my driving and timing skills leaving me the just right amount of time to grab my uniform and report to work at 8am. But of course upon my return the door was now locked from the inside, essentially locking me out. Again, I'm no dummy so I had brought an extra pair of pants and black shoes from my storage unit in Colorado and went to work. I have to admit it was a wee but embarrassing telling my manager I needed to borrow a shirt and apron cause my daddy locked me out but so be it. We briefly went back and forth through texting and long story short I had a week to be out. Fine. Radical. Whatever.

The next night I was in my room when something popped up in my YouTube feed that was out of the norm and became alarming when after watching it my dad was three outta five.

"Five Signs NOT To Ignore That You're Living With Someone Sent By The Devil."

I thought WTF, I thought that before I watched it and then I thought WT-actual-F after finishing it. I know it seems a little extreme and it is cause it was, but one of the signs literally happened the last night we had dinner together which was the night before the argument. This all went down in like ten days start to finish, from the argument to my road trip to leaving for good. We were eating dinner and he put on a show (he always picked what we'd watch and most of the time I was cool with it, what could I say really besides nada) about Jesus Christ and basically how he was just one out of three hundred, a run of the mill prophet and was basically a nobody. I thought it odd at the time but didn't think twice until one of the signs in the YouTube video was how "they will lead you astray from Jesus Christ" and those were the exact words and that's exactly what he tried to do. That was a butt puckering moment that sent chills down my spine that I will never forget. It even scared me a little, yes it did. I mean WTF was really goin on? I know we're in the midst of a spiritual warfare and all when it comes to our society today, but WT-actual-F is really going on? That's when it got real and that's when I knew I had to go sooner than later.

I think it was like three days before eviction day, which fell on a Sunday, when I came home from work and couldn't help but notice there was a lock on my moms closet which basically was a room. She had a beautiful custom closet which would be no surprise to anyone who knew her because my mom was always dressed to impress, to the nine, from matching shoes to coinciding jewelry (some that she made of course), she always looked perfect. She looked like a trophy wife, if you will. He put a lock so I couldn't have anything. This was a game changer but I didn't say a word, acted like I didn't even see it. Living with my dad, even in such a short period f time, had put me on a crash course of learning to master my emotions and I said nothing till moments leading up to my final departure. I couldn't say anything anyway, or I know I wouldn't get a response cause the silent treatment was in full effect. I pretended like none of it bothered me, the Oscar went to me that week that's for sure. That night something else popped up in my feed that was out of the ordinary. You've gotta understand my angels communicate through YouTube. I know that sounds crazy and I don't give two shits if you so much as slightly scoff at that because I know it to be true and that's all that matters.

"Signs They Are a Covert Narcissist."

Holy fucking shit balls was about all I could say after watching it and I'm pretty sure I said it out loud too cause DAMN that's exactly what he was. How did I not catch all this? So many emotions, realizations, memories, conformations, all flooded my head and I'm sure I didn't sleep much that night.

A little side note about narcissism and me. I didn't even know what that was up until a year prior when I was introduced to not one, but three different narcissists. All three of them different but the same. Needless to say I had done my homework, I was well versed in their language and behaviors.Hell I even did an "internship" with one for months and considered myself pretty good at sniffing 'em out. It wasn't long before I realized my experiences with all of them were yet another crash course in a life lesson to be learned. It was to prepare me for the grand daddy (no pun intended) of 'em all, the Covert Narcissist. It all made sense now, the gas lighting, the silent treatment, the need for attention, the victim, the control issues. All of it.

This was another game changer though and now I really did know what I was dealing with, this wasn't even my dad anymore and it actually made me sad. I'm sure I did shed some tears but it wasn't for me and my situation but rather for my mom and the forty years she spent as his trophy wife. The forty years she kept it all to herself, never telling a soul, she was definitely loyal and I know she loved him. And don't get me wrong, my mother didn't go without. She had the best of everything. The better homes and garden, the home, so clean you could eat off the floor. We used to joke about that. The garden, so whimsical you'd get lost in it. She'd spend hours, all day working in her garden. The closet, full of name brand everything. Not just a craft room but a separate sewing room too. Not to mention all the traveling. You name it, she had it. From the outside looking in she had everything, EXCEPT she didn't have the one thing I'm sure she wanted most and it was now crystal clear to me she never had it. And that was true love. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces because my mom was beautiful inside and out and if anyone deserved it, it was her. It also became clear that everything in and around that house was a form of escape and it was that realization that made me sickened with sadness, not to mention angry.

Before I knew it, it was Sunday and time to get the fuck out and I did, peacefully but not quietly. I like to think I got my revenge so to speak because first of all I don't believe in revenge and second of all this wasn't about revenge, this was about taking my power back. He has everybody fooled, and I mean everybody. My dad's good, oh is he good! He's charming, funning, handsome and smart as hell with his PhD you betcha. But he's also an emotionally bankrupt child who either couldn't hang with some sort of trauma or was pissed off at the world cause he had what I call "The Third Child Syndrome" and didn't get enough attention growing up. Either way it categorized him as a narcissist which makes him incapable of love, incapable of empathy and incapable of telling the truth. And I called his ass out on all of it. I told him I'm the only person in his entire life who has the balls to stand up to him. He couldn't control me and it drove him bat-fucking crazy! You see, control is my dads drug of choice and like any addict he gets very agitated when he can't have it so I had to go. Plain and simple.

I took my power back that day and not just mine but my moms too. I loaded as much of her craft stuff as I could in my little 2007 Subaru and I left. I took a lot of pride in how I handled it, I actually put him in HIS place for once, something I'm sure many thought about but didn't have the guts to do it. And it felt GOOD! I'm sure I took a lot of peoples power back that morning. He put a lock on her things so I couldn't get to 'em. "You can have 'em when I say you can have 'em" he said that morning. His response to me saying I was gonna make a lot of money was, "you aren't gonna make shit!" I think that was all after he made funny of me too. He actually made fun of me like a bully does on the playground. It's sad really, and it hurt but I'll be alright, I'll bounce back like I always do. It might take a little longer and I'd rather have my dad but it is what it is. And for anyone who doesn't want to believe that he's a covert narcissist with a serious control problem, I've got it all on all audio. Wait, what? Did I flip the script and really record HIM that morning? You bet your sweet ass I did!