Caroline

He sat there looking at the pond wishing he was not alone. His heart was heavy, and his thoughts were jumbled. He could have asked his daughter, June, to cone along, but she would want to talk, and he simply wished to be alone in his head since what he truly desired was not available. Caroline was dead and there was not any amount of talking or pretending to “properly” cope that would bring her back. Caroline was far from a perfect woman and was frequently self-absorbed, but he loved and missed her any way. He wanted Caroline sitting with him looking at the pond.

Caroline had passed a little more than four years ago and almost every morning he woke up to the pain of her absence. The few mornings Caroline was not his first thought, she was his second. Even knowing Caroline would die and preparing for the inevitability did not seem to lessen the heartache once she was actually gone. He tried to think about Caroline’s bad qualities in an attempt to dull the ache of losing her; it did not work. He loved Caroline warts and all.

Caroline had been strong willed, and he and their children had given in to most of her demands during her final years. Caroline was quite frugal during her last years regarding purchases for herself which was not too surprising because she had been very budget conscious even before she received her terminal diagnosis. However, when Caroline decided she wanted to spend money, she rarely considered price an obstacle. Caroline wanted to leave money to her family, but not at the expense of her final comforts.

Caroline was quite adamant regarding her final wishes. “Please do not post news of my passing on social media. I deserve more than emojis on Facebook. If a ‘friend’ does not know me well enough to learn about my passing through my approved methods, they will not likely ever wonder if I am alive or dead in the future.” Caroline also did not want anyone talking about an afterlife at her life celebration. “When I am dead my soul will cease to exist, and I am okay with that though. I am not conceited enough to think I am so special I must be rewarded with another life. I spent my time creating a life I enjoyed and do not need more to be content.”

He and their children cremated Caroline after donating her body to science so the scientist might figure out how she managed to live so long when she was struck with medical catastrophe after medical catastrophe. Caroline definitely had a resiliency gene even if the scientists did not find it after her death. Caroline wanted their children to go on four bonding trips to scatter part of her ashes in four locations she might have traveled to if she did not want to be inconvenienced. Caroline knew her children would not likely take the trips, but she died happier thinking they might visit at least one of the four locations together even if they simply talked about how demanding she was when they were there.

A couple of weeks after Caroline died, he and their children planted a tree in the backyard with some of her ashes to be a living remembrance to her. Caroline would have hated the tree. Caroline would have appreciated the idea of her family having a place to come speak to her, if they felt the need, which did not involve a cemetery, but she would have been appalled to know a tree had been planted in the yard she had coerced him into clearing free of trees during her last years. Caroline enjoyed looking at trees and plants in yards, as long as they were not in her yard. Caroline only wanted concrete and grass in her yard.

He spent his days mostly alone, but his evenings were usually filled with family. Their children visited him frequently to lift his spirits and keep the grandchildren Caroline never met in his life. Caroline loved her children fiercely and most likely would have spoiled her grandchildren even though she never pressured their children to step into parenthood before they were ready. He frequently felt left out of the family because Caroline made plans with the children without him. Caroline did not mean to leave him out, she simply thought she was “not bothering” him with activities that might bore him.

He left the park and returned home to a special event. Today was finally the first day the pear tree started to bloom and there might actually be fruit this year. Their three children were there to celebrate Caroline and he was ready to tell their foster and adopted grandchildren stories about their loving and stubborn grandmother. He still missed Carolina every day, but he knew she would want him to fill his days doing activities that would keep his mind off her. “When I die it is not your time to go. Be happy I am no longer arounds to burden you.”

He started speaking to their grandchildren, “Your Grandmother Caroline is part of this tree…”