Can We Talk?

“Do you keep tampons in your wallet?”

“Wh- what?”

“Do you keep tampons inside your wallet?”

“What, with my cash and credit cards? No, that’d be weird, they’d get all bent out of shape and then when I needed to use them, I’d have to go through the trouble of fishing it out of the coins and it’d smell like money, plus I’d be the one that ends up dropping the whole thing to the floor and get toilet germs on it, or someone would reach under the stalls to steal it - you know what people are like-”

“Good to know.”

“Wait! Why- why did you want to know that? No 'Hi, how are you?' Like, that’s a really weird thing to start saying over the phone, why are you asking? Do you keep tampons there? I just have a pouch in my shoulder bag that I take out with me in case someone needs one. Hey, wait a second - you don’t even use tampons, do you? Not since that incident in ninth grade!”

“Huh. I didn’t think you’d remember that.”

“Oh my gosh, how could any of us forget? Sorry girl, but you’re never gonna live that one down. We’ll be talking about it at your wedding: I’ve already added it to my speech.”

“You’ve written a speech? Oh Penn, it’s not for a long while yet! He only asked me last month!”

“Duh, I’ve had a speech prepared for your wedding pretty since the day you said “Hi, I’m Allie, I’m lonely and my mum told me to bring my new friend to meet her after school. Can you do it?” I’ve obviously changed it over the years - could you imagine the things 6-year-old me would have written? Plus, you've been dating for almost a decade - there's no way on this planet I'm not standing at the front and telling everyone every single embarassing story about you that I know.”

“Penn, I can’t believe you remember the first day we met. I’m glad you were the one I walked up to, and not stuck-up Barbie Corzo. Can you imagine being friends with her?”

“Allie…”

“Wh- Ok, I know you two are technically friends, but seeing as she’s a ‘friend’ you hook up with every once in a while, I’m still gonna go with ‘stuck-up’, ‘prissy’, and ‘your problem’.”

“Allie! Shut up! I didn’t say anything about you sleeping around with the baseball guys, did I, even when you ended up in my bed because they were confused about why there was a giant moth-eaten polar bear floating over yours.”

“Ah, Mr. Snuggles. It’s a shame my mom’s dog ended up tearing his head off, he was my favourite stuffed animal for so long. Thanks for letting him hang out with us at uni, Penn. He was my best friend before you came along.”

“You know I loved him too - he scared away most of the people we didn’t want staying over for long - and do you remember that guy’s face when he came to check the rooms for a stolen microwave and saw him instead?”

“HA, that was brilliant - especially as he didn’t see we had the microwave anyway! Such dumb luck, that was. Did you hear he’s going out with a Marine now?”

“What? I thought he was married? Wasn’t he with Kathy since freshman year?”

“Nope, not anymore. My brother told me he got divorced because - and you’re gonna love this - he’s ran out of space to put his lego collection, and tried to reason why their son should give up his bedroom and sleep on the couch. Kathy owned the house before he even moved in, and has also kept half of his stuff!”

“NO! What? When did this happen?”

“Eh, a couple of months ago. Danny still hears things through the grapevine, and for some reason he and the other ‘football guys’ still talk a lot in that group chat, especially juicy stuff like that.”

“At least it’s not as bad as Angel, is it? Boy, I’m glad it wasn’t one of the good ones who ended up in her situation. Still, ten months probation isn’t awful.”

“Is that all she got? Damn, here I was thinking we wouldn’t be hearing about her for- Hey, knock it off! Lettie, let go of him-”

“Allie, what was that noise? Did you drop me? Al? Hello?”

“Hey, sorry about that, Kennedy and Lettie, you know what they’re like. Dropped my phone to wrestle them away from each other.”

“Aw, how are the babies? When was the last time I saw them?”

“Babies? Ken’s almost nine now, you know. Weren’t you down here for Lettie’s birthday in June?”

“Oh yeah, hey- does she still play with that dollhouse?”

“Which one? She got about six of them. We made them all into a village for her to play with, and she took one look at it and said, ‘no’, and went full-on Godzilla on the place. Man, that’s why I wanted to keep the baby monitors out for longer, then I might have been able to record the whole thing and send it over.”

“How on earth… she’s not even as tall as the one I bought, it must have almost a head on her!”

“Oh yeah, you should hear the conversations we’ve had with her Kindergarten teacher these past few weeks - the girl's tiny, but she’s got a lot of muscle under those rainbow dresses. Thanks for the package, by the way - they adore that bear. Ken took one look at it and dragged it to his bed, Lettie had to practically claw it away from him just to get a look in.”

“Oh no, they haven’t torn it open yet have they? The carrot didn’t last more than an hour.”

“No, no, it’s going well - they seem to have worked out some sort of agreement over who gets it and when - Lettie gets it for bedtime and playtime, and Ken gets to sleep with it while Lettie’s at school. Seven uninterrupted hours with his new favourite toy, he’s like a puppy with it - licks it all over, holds it between his paws, honestly he’s so gentle. Can you send more of these over?”

“Ha, yeah sure. They had them on sale in a new pop-up store next to mine, I’ll check what else they’ve got when I’m in later. Oh shoot, I’ve just seen the time - I was supposed to head out early to pick up the keys off Kirsty - can I call you back?”

“Lettie, leave him alone- Yeah, of course, I’ve gotta sort these two out anyway. They’re like actual siblings, they way they argue. Talk tomorrow?”

“Definitely. Oh, don't forget to send that recipe over. My mom's been asking for it since you sent her the care package - now she's on her feet again, literally all she's doing is filling the house with food."

"Sure, Whatsapp ok? Sending it over... now. Goddamn, this phone's slow. Can't wait to upgrade in the new year. You got it yet?"

"Awesome, thanks for that. Gotta go, Kirsty's spamming me- talk later. Love you!"