Broken

Image Credit-Thumbnail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixi6LK-c3AM

Hi, my name is Charlie, sorry if I’m a little morbid in this, but, well you’ll find out when you start reading. Recently my best friend died, he was a great friend. It was only recently I found out how, and the way I found out was by the news, not even my parents could tell me how he died! He… He committed suicide. I just hope his family’s doing at least okay after what happened. School starts up again next week but I have been having lots of sleepless nights for the past 4 weeks, that’s when he… You know. Sorry, it’s just a very emotional topic for me at the moment, I don’t know how to feel; sad that he’s gone, happy that he found his way out of all the problems and issues he was having or angry because he left me, all alone no one here. I’m alone there’s no one here… Because of me. I just can’t help thinking that this is all my fault if I could’ve just, urg, done something… Anything! Then maybe he’d still be with me, making me happy, making me laugh, he was the best, no, he is the best. Even though he’s gone no one will ever replace him, he may be gone from the world but he will never be gone from my heart, I loved that guy, like, like he was a brother to me. Well, he was more of a brother than Lucas at least. But lately, Lucas has been acting a bit more brotherly to me, just because of him but at least he’s acknowledging my feelings. I used to have three brothers, 2 biological and 1 non-biological but they’re all the best. These past weeks have been tough, I’ve been an emotional wreck. Usually, I would go to his house and he would help me out of my slump but this time my attitude is because of him. Now and forever on I will be alone. For as long as this goes I will be alone.

It’s the day every child had been dreading well except that one kid, uh I think his name is Wayne, he’s the typical nerd in school, always looking forward to learning and blah blah blah. I usually am okay with going to school but this time I just wanted to leave, so that’s what I did. I didn’t go to class, Mum and Dad were at work so they wouldn’t pick up the phone if the school called. But I’d just have to find a way out of this mess when they came home and saw the missed call. Instead of going to class I hung around behind the stairs, the hall monitor Chris would come by every now and then but I just hid and, he must need glasses because he actually didn’t see me, that stupid kid. I was just on my phone and somehow ended up on my gallery, I was scrolling through my photos, and once I saw a photo of me and him at the fall festival all I did was stand and stare until one lonely tear escaped my right eye. I then heard footsteps coming. It didn’t sound like a child so it couldn’t have been Chris, once I realized who it was my eyes widened and I ran as fast as I could out the front of the school. If you’re wondering who the person was it was the principal, I mean I’m a bit surprised I didn’t hear her heels clicking on the ground but I guess I was too focused on him to think or hear straight.

When I got home I had some explaining to do. Mum and Dad were waiting on the front porch for me to get home, Mum had a worried look on her face but Dad? No Dad had a stern look and I just wore an emotionless look on my face. I walked up to them and Mum hugged me to the point where I almost couldn’t breathe. Almost, as the hug was going on I still wore my emotionless look. Dad looked at me and when he saw my face he softened his gaze. Mum let me go and then it was Dad’s turn he didn’t hug me with as much force as Mum used but eh it’s Dad. When I got ready to pull out of the hug which I was not actually in, Dad whispered in my ear. The words he said made me break down and cry into his shoulder “It’ll be okay” Mum didn’t know what was happening but she knew it was our moment so she stayed back, for that I thank her. Everything suddenly hit me all at once like a scooter colliding with a wall, I had skipped school, the whole day, he was gone, never coming back.

That night I couldn’t get to sleep, believe me, I tried but my mind kept circling back to him, he had the kindest heart but that kind heart had felt a pain that no one ever should. His problems were bigger than just the bullying, I would always ask what the problems were but he never answered, he would always either shift the conversation to me or just make the most ridiculous face that always made me laugh. The next day at school nothing happened, I didn’t skip class this time. Although my heart told me to do whatever to make this feeling go away, my head knew staying in class was the right thing to do. I tried to stay on task in class but nothing was working, even in my favourite part of school, lunch, I was miserable. At lunch, I was sitting by myself when Blake, the school bully, came over. I didn’t want to deal with his b.s today but I just sat there, frozen. I remember when he got bullied by Blake, he was horrible at handling anything like that, he told me he would cry himself to sleep nearly every night. As those thoughts went through my mind he was still talking, I didn’t hear him. But as all those memories flooded back to me, I got angry, I clenched my fist and before I know what I’m doing he’s on the floor with me towering over him. Once I realize what happened I just ran and ran and ran. I ran all the way home. I got home, slammed the front door and went to my room. As I recalled all of what happened I flipped over and cried silently into my pillow. Mum didn’t know I was home, she was just cleaning the house while Dad was at work. She came into my room and suddenly I was engulfed in a hug, she had asked what had happened and I just sat there hyperventilating from the lack of air my lungs were getting. She knew I wasn’t going to talk anytime soon so she left my room. A couple of minutes later she came back with a hot chocolate and a biscuit in her hands. She gave them to me and I accepted gratefully. Mum had sat on my bed and I started telling her what had happened, warm tears pricked the corners of my eyes but I didn’t cry, I could tell by her facial expressions that she wasn’t pleased that I had punched a kid but at the same time she conveyed emotion through her actions, the emotion sadness. She gave me the advice to remember happier memories instead of everything else, I took her advice. And the rest of the night was spent remembering all the happy moments with him just smiling, every now and then a tear would try and fall but I wouldn’t let it.

I haven’t felt like this in a month now, I feel a little bit happy. All the memories I have of him are memories I will hold as treasure. It’s the next week and I’m still down and out of it, which is a little expected since he was my best friend, but I think I’m getting a little better and so does my family. I’ve barely seen Lucas, he’s always either at his girlfriend’s house or ‘studying’ at a friend’s house. But when Lucas does come home he’s actually nice and kind-hearted but I’m sure it’s just an act. But, I can’t think like that, I’m actually happy. I don’t think. What? Who are you? You don’t need to know that right now, just know that you know me a lot better than you let on. Okay? Anyway, it’s the weekend and I don’t know what to do, I can’t help it, weekdays I have school to keep me preoccupied but weekends? Nothing at least, now that he’s gone I have nothing to do. When he was still here he’d be with me well except when Mum and Dad gave me chores, that’s when my weekend went down the drain. But this time it would be a big help to get chores, even though I don’t like chores it would help me get my mind off of everything that has happened. Yeah, that’s exactly what you need, more distractions. Who-Am I? Well, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again-Yeah yeah, I don’t need to know but I know you more than I let on. Clever boy, I didn’t think you’d remember, then again you have been trying to get your mind off of the death of your friend… All I want to know is why you’re tormenting me with all the memories. In time the truth will come but for now, go on with your life but be careful you don’t want to end up like your friend. I’ll find out sooner rather than later. The only thing I need right now is to be-Preoccupied? What’s it to you? Only trying to help. Like help is what I need especially from you. Oh? What’s wrong with me? I... I don’t know just yet but I feel something evil every time you appear and not to mention you just show up whenever you want and I can’t even see you. Yes, but you can hear me that’s all that matters, although the thing is-What was that? I slowly start walking to the slightly open door, I open it fully and see Mum in horror at, well I don’t know. “Mum? Uh, what’s wrong?” “W-Who were you talking to?” She said barely above a whisper. What? I thought I was talking in my head, at that sentence her eyes widened, indicating to me that I had just spoken aloud yet again. “Uh, I uh was just um-” “S-Save your breath dear” I slowly nodded my head, I don’t know what she is thinking but I know that it’s not good. Mum kissed my forehead and tucked me in bed, I’m just waiting for Dad until I hear these voices, not yelling, not even normal volume. They’re whispers, I slowly get out of bed and find out the voices are coming from Mum and Dad’s room. I peer around the corner and see Mum almost in tears and Dad wide-eyed in shock. I hear them talking about someone? Of course, they’re talking about someone, and that someone is you Idiot to think I called you clever tsk. Hey! I am smart I just didn’t think they’d talk about me with such emotion. Ugh. What? Your mum told your dad. What? This kid man. Okay, you heard me I said, “Your mum told your dad.” About what? You really are stupid, aren’t you? In any case about the whole talking to ‘yourself’ thing. Hang on if you’re talking to me now that means-! I turned my head to see both Mum and Dad looking at me, wide-eyed. “Um hi?” I said awkwardly to my parents. Dad then turned to Mum and they started whispering I couldn’t hear them though. “Uh, son? Since when do your eyes go fully black?” My eyes widened, what did he mean by fully black? I could help explain that. Okay then explain! Sheesh, needy much? My mum and dad are in front of me and scared out of their mind! Of course, I’m needy at the moment. Okay sheesh, now whenever I talk to you your eyes go black. So? You’re the reason my parents are scared of me? Eh. If you are the reason don’t talk to me ever again! Ah ah ah temper my child. I’m not your child I’m theirs! And because of you, there’s going to be police and everything coming to my house to take me and test me for I don’t even know what! Kid! Granted, your temper is quite funny to watch you need to calm your butt. Why I otta! WATCH IT!... Calm down now… Once again, I turn back to Mum and Dad and they have completely gone I look down and they’re both there. I run downstairs and grab a bucket. Lucas comes into the room then asks what I’m doing but I don’t answer, I grab the bucket, now full of water, and cautiously hurry upstairs but I’m stopped in my tracks as Lucas blocks the door “What happened?” He asks in a very stern voice I apologise to him, but he looks very confused as he should be because I haven’t done anything to him. Yet. I push him into the doorframe and continue my quest to wake Mum and Dad up. I round the door of their room and tip the water on their heads. They both wake up in shock which is understandable. They both gasp for air as they had just woken up from passing out. Then Lucas comes up the stairs holding his arm and is angry he looks at me then takes one look at Mum and Dad and is confused. I give him a look that says “you don’t want to know” Oh come on. I told you NOT to talk to me. Lucas then looks at me like I’m crazy and to be honest, I think I am. I look him straight in the eye and run to my room lock the door and slide my back down it thinking what I’ve done to everyone, my parents. Tears start to slowly trickle down my face as I sit there in silence. Once I’ve calmed myself I hop into bed and drift off into, what feels like, an endless slumber.

Wakey, wakey Charlie. Ugh, what time is it? Who cares? I car- Wait what are you doing back here? Oh, dear child I never left. You were watching me sleep?! WHAT? No, jeez I may be a creepy voice but I’m not that much of a creep. Huh? You’re just a voice? Well looks like I said too much, I’ll leave now and let you think. Wait I thought you said you couldn’t- ugh never mind. Well today is Sunday and I thought it would be nice to console his parents even though it’s been at least a month since he died, I’ve only just gotten over it. I’m still sitting on my bed not wanting to get up but I have to so I force myself up and walk over to the bathroom. As I turn on the water and hop in I feel the warm water flow down my body relaxing every muscle but at the same time waking me up from my, still, groggy state of mind. I turn the water off and grab my towel from the towel rack and exit the bathroom into my bedroom. As I’m air-drying I make my way over to my wardrobe. I get out a plain white T-shirt and blue skinny jeans. I get dressed and walk down the stairs. I see both Mum and Lucas sitting at the table eating breakfast, scrambled eggs and bacon, I walk over and sit with them. As soon as I sit down the air immediately tenses up. Mum has already set the table with everyone’s plate, so I grabbed the tongs and put two slices of bacon on my plate, then I grab the serving spoon and fill a quarter of my plate with eggs. As I finish breakfast I go up to the sink with my plate to wash it. Once washed I put the plate in the drying rack then head out to his house. I knock on his door and no answer, I knock again still no answer. I’ll knock one last time to see if they’re home. Um, do you like, not see the note? What note? Right on the fly screen (Maybe Chris isn’t the only one who needs glasses). Hey, I heard that, wait you were there when I skipped school? Yeah? Why were you-never mind. I step up closer to the fly screen and grab the note, it read:

‘To whoever may be reading this we are on a holiday to celebrate mourn the death of our son. We will be back soon and if you’re the postman, slide everything under the door and we’ll pick it up as soon as we get back. If anyone else is reading this, just call us like seriously we have iPhones.

-The Johnsons’

Well, I guess I should be heading back then Mum would probably be wondering where I am. Oh please, you really do need glasses, you see the scribble before ‘mourn’? Yeah? Look closer at it, what does it say? Well if I’m reading it correctly it says ‘cele…brate’ You see the problem? His problems were more than the bullying… Were his parents-? Only one way to find out, go on you know you want to. I, I don’t about this. Look kid, it’s simple, it really is, ask yourself this one question, do you want to know what happened to him or don’t you? I do want to know, I really do he was my best friend and- Okay enough with the emotional sappy stuff, you want to know, go in, take a look. But how? Smash a window, check the back door just do something to get in the goddam house. Alright. I go around the back and I remember that me and him would crawl into the house through his bedroom window. So, I did that again, I made my way over the fence and to the back of the house to his window and tried to open it, unfortunately, the window’s locked. What do I do now? Smash. The. Window. But wouldn’t that be breaking and entering? I mean yeah but you’re already trespassing. True but I don’t want to go to jail. Okay, I’ve had enough of this. All of a sudden, it’s like the world, I don’t even know, fast-forwarded? I’m standing inside his room a brick on the floor and the window, smashed. What happened?! Eh, little magic trick. What. Happened? Fine, all I did was take control for a little bit, and to feel that power, control it felt good. Well, don’t! I like being in my body and, not to mention when you control me I can’t see anything! Well then, let's make sure you can’t see anymore. Goodbye Charlie. Everything suddenly started to fade away. I can’t see, my vision is all black. I am in control. I turn around inthe direction of the voice and see a silhouette and you’re probably wondering how can I see a silhouette in a fully black vision, but I can’t explain it. Yes, my vision is full black but I can also see a black silhouette. The voice had taken a physical form, the physical form being me, I am trapped in this, what seems like, an endless void, a black abyss. You are nothing, I am here to stay, you were asking me what I am but to be honest, I don’t know what I am but I know one thing, you are under my control now. Why are you doing this to me? What have I done that’s so bad? What have I done to you? Simple, nothing. Then answer my first question, why are you doing this to me? Unfortunately, I cannot reveal that but you’re trapped here so I’ll tell you, I am a spirit that’s all I know of me. I might have been a human, a werewolf even but I’ll never know. The only thing I know is that power feels good to have and control, all I want is to have that. But, why to me? Out of all the people in the world? Because, you’ve been through so much already and I just thought you’d be sick of life, am I right? … Thought so. Leave me alone. What? Leave me alone! Oh, you poor kid, you want me to leave, well too bad you let me have power. I didn’t you stole it! You stole my life! Watch your temper or I will steal your life. You basically already have! You stole control so I can’t be in my own body! Which means I can’t-! Watch. Your. Temper. Why should I?! I’m trapped here and can’t get out, what else can you do to get me angrier?! Oh, I can do lots of things like- The voice clicks my fingers and my mind is filled with voices saying hurtful things. Mum, yelling at me, Dad, ignoring me, Lucas, hitting me and Manny blaming me. I then hear Blake come in, his voice is hurtful, I hear everything he said to both me and him. This is torture, I can’t take it. I put both hands on my head and pull at my hair, bringing my knees to the floor, slowly starting to cry. The voice just stands there smirking at my suffering, starting to laugh. I scream and yell nothing happens except a painful sting in my chest. My eyes roll into the back of my head and then nothing I can’t see I can’t move I feel like… Am I dead? Oh, you’re very much alive just in a different place. Where am I? Somewhere where your temper has definitely gone down. Clearly, you didn’t hear me the first time, I’ll say it again “Where am I?” Oh, Charlie, you should’ve really learnt by now, haven’t you ever heard the saying, curiosity killed the cat? I’m now even more scared than I was before, what did he mean by that? Is he going to kill me? I can’t take this, but what if when I say something and he does the exact same thing? I just stayed quiet. He seemed pleased. I guess this is my life now, or rather his life but I’ll try to stay on the positive side and… I don’t know anymore why can’t I just have a normal life? The reason being, you are not a normal kid. I wasn’t talking to you. On the contrary, I am you. I have nothing to say to that. Course you don’t. Shut it. Excuse me? Shut it! Okay, we’re right back to the start remember what happens if you disobey me? I remember back at the words, I shudder at just the thought alone. He turns away from me and leaves through, what seems like, a door? Well, of some sort at least. So, I’m here all alone in a pitch-black abyss with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I see a light appear in my provisional vision. It's apparently some sort of screen I can see his house, his room, but how? It’s like I’m watching my life continue without me. Having fun in there? Huh? Where is that coming from? I look around but because of the situation I’m in, aka the abyss, I can’t see a thing. The only light in here is the one coming from that screen like thing. Don’t worry your pretty little head about that, are you enjoying the show? What sho-? It finally clicks and I turn my head to the screen. I see a mirror… And me. My reflection to be exact. I’m smiling. Like everything is okay. I look closer and at my eyes, they say the eyes are a window into the soul and I never really believed it but as I stare into my own eyes through the screen I see something. It’s staring right back at me, it’s surrounded by sorrow. As I step back from the screen I just now realize it’s only a reflection. It’s me. me, I mean me as in me. Not my reflection, not my body but me. Inside my eyes I see me, not smiling, not happy but sad, depressed. I guess the saying is true, the eyes really are windows to the soul, and at the moment your soul looks very depressed, is that how you feel? I look at the floor reflecting on my life. I am depressed, I have been for a while ever since he died. I’ve had a smile on my face for the past month. “Smile.” They’d say I did and what do you know I was still depressed and still am now. I can’t be happy. I can’t be sad. I feel emptiness. I feel nothing. I am broken. Still looking down ignoring everything and everyone. Nothing. Silence is all I hear. Hello?! I’m speaking to you, twat! Snapping out of my thoughts, I turn my head back to the screen slowly. He’s smiling but I can tell he is angry. He yells, screams and curses at me yet I still feel nothing. Get ready we’re about to leave. I nod my head slightly, a little curious where we are going. I’m sitting in my own thoughts, listening to my family and friends, everything they’ve said to me, good or bad, sometimes neutral. I sit on the floor and rock back and forth hugging my knees as a lonely tear makes its way down my face just to meet its end on the floor. Even though I’m sitting here with tear-stained cheeks, I still feel empty.

Suddenly I start to feel the ground shake, I don’t know where we’re going, how long this is going to take or how long we’ll stay there. The shaking continues, I hear the outside world, birds chirping, dogs barking, people talking and laughing. I sit here hearing the things I’ll never be able to do and see again, I envy these people and their normal lives. People all around the world have things, not just inanimate objects but family, friends… lives. These people complain and complain, but about what? Things that matter to them and only them no one else just them. These people are dirty and selfish, only thinking about things that include them, things that they want. They already have the one thing others don’t, a life, a family, friends, pets, love, emotions. DO THEY REALLY NEED ANYTHING ELSE!? Even though I’m yelling I’m not mad, just thinking. Seeing all of this just makes you appreciate everything you have, or in my case, had. The shaking stops. We’re here. Where exactly is here? Just the market my dear Charlie. I slightly hum in response. I get up slowly to look at the screen and indeed we are at the market, people, stalls and the people running them, and here I am alone, miserable and depressed and no one knows that that isn’t me, I did hear Mum’s voice but I couldn’t listen. Well Charlie, where do you want to go? … Come on~ we’ll go wherever you want. How about the park? I say, the volume of my voice barely even a whisper. Course we can go to the park. The shaking starts up again, I’m now guessing that the shaking is when he walks. Well, there’s nothing I can do now. Except explore, there has to be at least something here, darkness is too empty and suspicious. I start to walk to the edge of the darkness, I put my hands out to try and balance myself in the darkness. I continue to walk until my hand touches something, but nothing’s there? I push a little. Nothing. I push harder. And then a creaking noise. I start walking again and get on my hands and knees, feeling around it feels like stairs. I get up and dust myself off. I carefully step down and then do it again, just when I think I'm getting the hang of going downstairs in the dark I trip and roll down the stairs. Unfortunately for me, it’s a long staircase, and I’m talking a looooooooooooong staircase. I don’t know what happened but about a quarter way down the staircase I blacked out.

As I regain consciousness, my head’s throbbing, I open my eyes to a squint to see a blinding light. Am I dead? No, far from it actually, unfortunately. Oh… You again. Oh, dear Charlie I don’t need the applause. Where am I? God, I thought you’d at least recognize this place, for you’ve been here for so so long. And I thought you’d leave by now because I told you to. That made no sense whatsoever. Whatever. Ok then, now, where was I? OH yes, I was starting to talk about your behaviour. My behaviour? Yes, you see no matter what you do you’ll always end up back here so why don’t you save us both the hassle and behave a little better, hmm? And what if my behaviour stays the same? Well, we’ll just have to find out. Okay, time to be silent again. Now, Charlie, I think someone needs to say sorry, hm? Ok, I know what I said but, ME!? APOLOGISE?! FOR WHAT HE DID?! SORRY?! Thank you for the apology. Ok, that tears it. I go to the screen and start bashing it trying to do something, anything to get out of here, I start hitting it weaker and weaker sliding down the screen until I fall on the floor hugging my knees to my chest silently crying, giving up on life. This is it, I start sobbing harder, it’s getting harder to breathe and I’m so close to just ending it all. I start to yell, with angry tears streaming down my face standing up and punching the screen. W-What are you doing?!... Stop that!... I SAID STOP!!! The ground shakes and my vision turns red. STOP!! The starts to crack, it’s like glass, my fist goes right through it. STOP RIGHT NO-. The-The voice, it’s gone! My head throbs like someone’s hit me in the head with a hammer, I touch my head and look at my hand. It’s red. I get up and look in the mirror. Wait, I’ve got my body back! My head starts to throb faster and harder than before, I look in the mirror and blood is dripping down the side of my face and dripping from my eye. I fall to the floor and blackout, the last thing I hear is echoing screams around me.

I wake up in a hospital, my family crying and hugging me, “It should have been me!” Mum screams, she looks like she hasn’t slept in weeks. I look around at my family everyone’s crying and looking guilty. I talk to them, “Hi guys, what happened?” I question, Mum looks up to me and prays, “Please God let my son be ok.” “But Mum, I’m right, here?” She puts her head but down on my arm. I try to hug her, but I just hug myself. What’s going on? I swing my legs off the bed and walk to my dad, “Son, I wish I had paid more attention to you, maybe then you would be here with us.” “Huh? Dad, what are you talking about?” A nervous laugh escapes my mouth. As I walk to my older brother I see a tear run down his cheek as he looks at the floor. I turn around to look on the bed and I’m staring at the thing I’d never want to see. Me... Laying in the bed, eyes closed. All of a sudden, I hear a straight beep and my family is rushed out of the room while a bunch of doctors and nurses come rushing in, I follow my family out, Mum is bawling her eyes out while Dad’s trying to comfort her, struggling to hold back his own tears. What is happening? I ask myself. I walk to the door, as I’m in the doorway it closes, I put my hands up to cover my face on instinct. The door passes through me. With eyes wide shaking hands and heavy breathes, I go to the bed as I see the doctors give up and sigh deeply. The head doctor walks out to my family, as do I, Mum looks up at him hopeful, he shakes his head and sadly says, “I’m sorry…” and leaves. Mum falls to her knees and struggles to breathe, crying on the cold hard floor of the hospital. I go back to the room and see myself; eyes shut, skin pale and not breathing. I go over to myself and hold his hand in mine. “How did this happen? Why did this happen? What did I do wrong?” I let him go, leave the hospital and go home. I go to my room and see all of the things I have. We have a lot in life, a lot that we take for granted, for example, school uniform, my school uniform hanging in my closet, the uniform I’ll never get to wear again, friends, the people who’re always there for you, picking you up when you’re down and life itself, the way we get to walk around streets seeing smiles and bright eyes everywhere, the way we breathe, the way we live, our lives are precious and most of us just throw it away just for a little fun. Out of nowhere my bedroom door slowly creaked open, in comes Dad with tear-stained cheeks and a bunch of empty boxes. He starts packing up my things, first going to my bed to strip it clean of the sheets, pillows and blankets. He picks up my stuffed bunny, Bobo. He holds it in his hands and looks down smiling sadly. “Where did we go wrong, son?” “What happened to you? Why were you so distant?” He lowers his head onto the bunny and cries softly. “Dad, you did nothing wrong. It was my fault… All my fault.” I stood there, tears slowly dripping down my face. Suddenly a bright light appeared in front of me. I look up and a strong force pushes me up. I grab the bedpost. “Son, I’m so so sorry. I wish I could see you one last time.” “I’m right here Dad!” I say struggling to stay down on the ground. “I love you, Charlie…” I’m pushed up and I land on a cold hard ground in a very dark place. I fall to my knees. “I love you too Dad…”